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Original poster

To be surprised she told her husband my secret....

770 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2014 07:35

A few months ago I confided something to my best friend and asked her not to tell anyone.

A comment made to me this this morning by her DH indicated to me that she had repeated to him what I'd said.

I just got off the phone to her and she openly said that yes she had told her DH but didn't think that would be a problem as her DH wasn't just 'anyone' in her eyes and they tell each other everything. She said had I specified that I didn't want her to tell anyone, including her husband, then obviously she would never have said anything to him. She told me she thought it was normal for married couples to share and that it was strange that I was surprised they had been discussing me.

It wasn't a major secret or anything horrific so I'm not overly annoyed at her, I do know her husband quite well and this won't affect any of our friendships or any thing, but I still feel a bit confused.

Would you share with your husband something you'd been asked to keep quiet about just because he's your husband and "that's what married couples do"?

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 12/05/2014 15:17

This is what I like to call other people's secrets. As I see it there are three types of secrets - surprises, other people's secrets and bad secrets. Keeping someone else's secrets, as long as it's not a bad secret, is not the same as keeping secrets from your partner.

A friend couple of ours is having some problems and whilst we talk about things that are happening we are both aware that we've not repeated secrets to each other.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 15:35

"I tell DH most things."

Yes, I tell my Dp most things too. Just not other people's confidences.

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 15:40

So do people divulge friends personal be ducal details told in confidence too?

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 15:40

Medical details

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 15:42

Ah but Giles, that would be interpreted as a burden that should be shared for fear the heavy weight would overwhelm the fragile confidante Confused.

Or, as we put it round here, a bit of gossip just too hot to keep to oneself Angry.

NotNewButNameChanged · 12/05/2014 15:44

Sorry, I don't get so many people saying they would tell their OH unless the OP had specified by saying "please don't tell anyone INCLUDING your OH".

Um, surely the clue is in the original request. "Please don't tell ANYONE"

Anyone means anyone and everyone and therefore should automatically include the OH.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 15:45

Obviously,Giles- otherwise you haven't got a strong, loving,trusting relationship..........

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/05/2014 15:45

Yes
Not sure how I'd cope keeping a viagrA prescription to myself Confused

I

AdoraBell · 12/05/2014 15:50

If someone asks me not to tell anyone I take that as not to tell anyone, at all, ever, unless they then tell me it's for public knowledge.

Obvs if it were "I'm going to kill my DP, but don't tell anyone" then I would tell people, but so far I've never had that oneGrin

Martorana · 12/05/2014 16:00

"Tequila I've been with Dh 19 years. I know the man inside out. I trust that he won't divulge what I might tell him.

Sometimes people tell you stuff that's heavy/upsetting and needs offloading."

I've been with my partner over 30 years but we're not married. Does that mean I have to tell him everything or is that just for married people?

edamsavestheday · 12/05/2014 16:00

I've managed to solve this one. By rarely talking to dh at all. Grin

I have told him stuff that wasn't for public consumption - in one case it didn't occur to me the friend concerned would rather dh didn't know. She'd been quite open with me and a mutual friend. Later on she was astonished to discover me and my friend had both told our dhs about it. We were surprised she was surprised...

On the other hand real embarrassing or sensitive secrets I do keep. There are things about other people I have never told dh because I take them seriously and I know full well no-one else is supposed to know.

So I guess the thing with the surprised friend is neither I nor our mutual friend had realised she thought it was that kind of secret rather than a 'don't tell the world about this' issue. She never said 'don't tell dh' but it seems from this thread many people would make assumptions either way.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/05/2014 16:11

I think case by case. If it was something very serious and/or personal, or it would put DH in a difficult position (if he was a friend of their DH for example), then no, unless it was an ethical dilemma such as reporting to SS or police. Same applies to jury service, confidential work matters etc, they stay with me alone. However run of the mill day to day stuff we do share and I trust him with that information. IME it is rare for anyone to actually say "don't tell anyone"; within my circle of friends we all share fairly openly and I trust their discretion to the wider world but assume that they would share with their DHs in the same way as I do. There have never been any negative consequences of oversharing so far.

motherinferior · 12/05/2014 16:16

Edam, if someone doesn't say it's private, one can assume it's not.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/05/2014 16:19

Do those who can't keep their mouths shut pre warn friends that anything they say goes straight to their DH?

fadingfast · 12/05/2014 16:23

I was recently told a REALLY confidential secret by a colleague/friend, and whilst I don't normally keep anything from DH, I haven't told him this because he knows the people involved and I didn't want him to be put in a difficult position. I think my friend was quite surprised that I hadn't told him tbh.

I ended up having to divulge it to another friend though, who doesn't know anyone involved (on a no-names basis) as I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer without self-imploding Grin.

edamsavestheday · 12/05/2014 16:24

MI, don't worry, all your secrets are safe with me. Grin

That's the thing, no-one knows how good I am at keeping secrets because they don't know about all the ones I've kept for decades. My family tease me for being no good at secrets because I've let minor stuff like what present someone's buying slip but they have no idea about the major stuff. I want some credit next time my sister teases me about having a big gob!

Martorana · 12/05/2014 16:56

Please will someone explain to me why anyone would think it was OK to break somebody else's confidence because they were only telling their Dp? Because it's another of those things where I feel as if I'm living on a different planet..........a planet where "please don't tell anyone" means "please don't tell anyone".....

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 16:58

"Do those who can't keep their mouths shut.."

It's not that I can't keep my mouth shut- I choose to tell my DH. Lots of posters have said they do tell their DH's and assume that friends tell their DH's things.

It's happens- a lot.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 17:00

"
It's not that I can't keep my mouth shut- I choose to tell my DH."

But what gives you the right to decide who your friend confides in? Because that's what you are doing by making a unilateral decision to share your friend's confidence. I just don't understand how you can make this OK.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 17:01

Martorana- I've been with my DH 25 years, we live and work together, he's my best friend, we tell each other almost everything.

I feel the same as you as in "am I living on another planet". I can't understand why you wouldn't tell your DH.

ExcuseTypos · 12/05/2014 17:02

As I've said, my friends assume I'd tell my DH, as I assume they'd tell there's.

squoosh · 12/05/2014 17:06

I think people are using these can't conceive of keeping (other people's) secrets/best friends/soul mates/two halves of the same bun excuses as a way to make common or garden gossiping look less like ummm, gossiping.

Martorana · 12/05/2014 17:06

ExcuseTypos- I've been with mine over 30, he's my best friend etc.

But it wouldn't be my secret to tell That's why I wouldn't break a confidence.

I have a female best friend as well- I've known her for 40 years- she is discretion impersonated. Would you think it all right for me to tell her too?

TillyTellTale · 12/05/2014 17:07

So, basically, when I say, 'Don't tell anyone', you hear 'Only tell people you really really trust'?

Thurlow · 12/05/2014 17:11

As Martorana says - why is your DH/DP exempt from everyone else? Why is anyone's partner exempt from everyone else? I genuinely, truly don't understand how people can believe that telling the person they live with isn't breaking the confidence that a friend placed in them in the first place Confused

If I found out a friend had told their DH something very confidential and private I had told them in confidence because "well, he's my husband, I tell him everything" I would be enormously upset. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that they would share it.

It doesn't matter if you are married to someone or share a mortgage with them, it is still telling someone else.