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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that pregnant women don't trump everybody else for a seat on the tube?

992 replies

dancersdad · 09/05/2014 19:34

I possibly need some perspective. DW and I were in London today, and unavoidably had to travel on the tube this evening in commuter rush hour. DW has a number of health issues that aren't physically visible, but definitely do impact upon her ability to stand on a crowded tube. When we got on at the start of our journey back the tube was packed with no free seats, so we both stood and I held onto DW as I was worried she was going to fall. The carriage was made up almost entirely of commuters. Two stops into our journey an elderly man got off leaving one of the priority seats free- the only free seat in the carriage. DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant woman who tried to slide into the seat alongside DW and beat her to it, as it was DW was already in the seat and the other woman stood up. She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them. DW told her that she had a reason for needing the priority seat too and refused to move when asked again. Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc. I stepped in at this point and explained that DW really did need the seat, and loudly suggested to the rest of the carriage that I was sure someone else would be willing to give up a seat for her. Suddenly everyone else was deeply engrossed in their ipads, kindles etc, except for an elderly lady in the other priority seat who clearly needed it too, and offered her seat. The pregnant woman announced loudly that she couldn't possibly ask someone else who needed the seat to give it up, and it was a shame that some people (glaring at DW) had no respect for the priority system, which is in place to ensure those who really need a seat can get one. I pointed out again that DW had a genuine need for the seat too. Cue huffing, eye rolling, and lurching over DW whenever the train changed speed for the rest of her journey.

AIBU to think that although some pregnant women do need a seat on a tube, they shouldn't assume automatic priority over others also in need? There's no priority seat ranking system I don't know about? Confused

OP posts:
Cheekybleeder · 09/05/2014 21:23

This reply has been deleted

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candycoatedwaterdrops · 09/05/2014 21:24

rooty lots of physically fragile people work for a living and thus, will need to use public transport. My body is fucked but my brain is fine and I will continue working for as long as I can.

Cheekybleeder · 09/05/2014 21:24

elpha you were being overly conscious about it

ikeaismylocal · 09/05/2014 21:24

A dead baby is a possible consequence of a pregnant woman standing, the consequence of op's wife standing is a possible broken bone. In my opinion the pregnant woman's need ( and the need of her unborn baby) was greater than op's wife.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 21:26

nonsense scottishmummy, miscarriage may absolutely be the consequence of a bad fall. Just because a chance is small, does not mean that the risk is not high. Serious risk is the most serious outcome.

Of course someone else in the carriage should have given up their seat. But noone did, and so OP and his wife had a choice to make.

intheenddotcom · 09/05/2014 21:26

How many babies die because a woman stands up fps! Many women work in physical jobs or jobs that require standing until very close to their due date.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 09/05/2014 21:27

The pregnant lady could have asked for another seat. Her not sitting in the priority seat does not automatically equal disaster. Such a bizarre thread!

scottishmummy · 09/05/2014 21:27

Utter hyperbole
Any other commuters should have stood up,they didn't.thats not the op fault
An adukt with health need legitimately taking seat doesn't = dead baby

candycoatedwaterdrops · 09/05/2014 21:28

Using some if your logic, theolder lady in the other priority seat could have got up off her priority seat.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2014 21:28

No,in a packed train the sole responsibility for allocating seat didn't fall to op wife
And speculating hysterically about dead baby doesn't alter that

slithytove · 09/05/2014 21:30

A priority seating badge makes no mention of health needs. It would be a wider version of the baby on board badge.

Far better than missing out on a seat or being belittled because no one can tell you need one.

whatever5 · 09/05/2014 21:30

I can't stand for that long sometimes and falling can cause relapses of my medical condition but I would give my seat up to a heavily pregnant woman because if the train is very busy and someone knocks her over it could seriously harm her baby.

KatieKaye · 09/05/2014 21:31

Would your "anything" include missing a specialist medical appointment, rooty? Mine doesn't.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 21:32

candy I count myself among them. actually my brain is probably pretty shite too.

I have organised my work and my transport to avoid these situations - I think it's actually easier to do when it's a regular occurrence, like paid employment.

But OP is describing a one off situation - sounds like a trip to London to see a specialist - in which DW is terribly physically and emotionally fragile. Tbh I am almost saying this not as a response to the AIBU. I just think they made an error of judgment and need to adjust the way they manage her illness, though of course I recognise that this is from an enormously limited example. I say this as someone with chronic pain. A huge part of being well is managing things and not pushing too hard. I am just unwilling to accept that it was absolutely, utterly impossible for her not to be on the tube. Rearrange the appointment. Take a cab. Get a coffee and take a later train home. Whatever the possibilities are, you must learn to see them and take them. This is a fact of life with a disability and a huge part of why it's so shit. But you have to learn to do it for your own sake.

That is my view, anyway. And I'm only just starting to understand it myself.

slithytove · 09/05/2014 21:32

I don't recall mentioning the word forced.

Are pregnant women forced to wear the baby on board badge?

What is wrong with having something similar available for all who require priority seating. They can choose to use it or not.

Original poster
dancersdad · 09/05/2014 21:35

DW was not using the only seat in the carriage. I'm not saying the pregnant woman had no right to a seat, I'm just saying that she had no right to single out DW and try and guilt-trip her out of her seat. We had a fairly long journey back after completing the tube part, it really wouldn't have been feasible to have left it any later.

OP posts:
rootypig · 09/05/2014 21:35

It would include rearranging it Katie. Or staying at the clinic or hospital comfortably afterwards until I could travel. Or any one of a myriad of possibilities.

I think saying that it simply was inconceivable that she would not be on the tube in rush hour is pretty ridiculous, tbh Confused

candy she did - the OP said so. I have a right to a priority seat, arthritis as bad as any elderly person, but I always give up my seat for pregnant people. (It is of course an irony that those most in need of a seat are sensitive to others' need for a seat). Of COURSE someone else should have got up. But the OP can only consider what he and DW could have done given the situation they found themselves in. I give up my seat, so I live by the sword, if that makes you feel better.

slithytove · 09/05/2014 21:36

Thread getting a wee bit dramatic now Grin

Incidentally, I am one of those people who have a hidden condition which means I would appreciate a badge so I don't have to defend myself constantly. Thanks for the criticism at the suggestion - it's people who do that thinking they are being PC who stop people like me from getting what they need. Just because everyone wouldn't want one, some would. The baby on board badge seems popular, so replace it with a priority seating badge.

GobbolinoCat · 09/05/2014 21:37

How many babies die because a woman stands up fps! Many women work in physical jobs or jobs that require standing until very close to their due date

But standing on the tube an airless, hot, cramped and crowded moving, moving thing is not the same as just standing is it.

And how many fit and healthy people have stumbled and been jolted and nearly fallen over as the tube jolts to a stop or starts off.

ME.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2014 21:37

What if one isnt solvent enough to afford a cab and transport is cheaper
Not all folks have enough money to get cab to appts,so yes go on transport

ANM07 · 09/05/2014 21:38

YABU

I have commuted in London while heavily pregnant and suffering from hyperemesis. It was pure hell. I would always give my seat to a pregnant woman now and before I was pregnant i would have had the same attitude as you, she knew she had to commute while pregnant etc. until you've been in that situation every day hoping someone will get up for you while you feel like death. I feel sorry for her. If you were a gentleman you would have nicely asked someone else sitting down if they'd get up for the pregnant lady.

fifi669 · 09/05/2014 21:38

I think a priority seating badge is a really good idea....

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 21:39

I'm sure the pregnant woman was fully capable of asking someone else for their seat, instead she chose to try to bully the OP's wife out of hers.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2014 21:42

Utter rot amn,an adult capable of berating a lady is capable of asking for a seat
She instead chose ti single out the adult who couldn't fulfil the request
Not the other adults,she could have requested they accomodate her

aermingers · 09/05/2014 21:43

Elphaba I have a friend like you and every time she gets on the subject I want to punch her in the face.

Just because you had a fantastically easy pregnancy and didn't need a seat doesn't mean other people don't.

I had terrifically bad SPD in my pregnancy and bad Polyhydraminous (excess amniotic fluid). I was only offered a seat once or twice in my pregnancy and went through huge pain commuting as I measured 54 weeks just before I gave birth!

For a lot of women pregnancy is just as painful if not more so than many disabilities.

And I have to say, it sounds like OPs DW can move pretty darn fast when she wants to. I think I might have been sceptical too in the same situation .