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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that pregnant women don't trump everybody else for a seat on the tube?

992 replies

dancersdad · 09/05/2014 19:34

I possibly need some perspective. DW and I were in London today, and unavoidably had to travel on the tube this evening in commuter rush hour. DW has a number of health issues that aren't physically visible, but definitely do impact upon her ability to stand on a crowded tube. When we got on at the start of our journey back the tube was packed with no free seats, so we both stood and I held onto DW as I was worried she was going to fall. The carriage was made up almost entirely of commuters. Two stops into our journey an elderly man got off leaving one of the priority seats free- the only free seat in the carriage. DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant woman who tried to slide into the seat alongside DW and beat her to it, as it was DW was already in the seat and the other woman stood up. She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them. DW told her that she had a reason for needing the priority seat too and refused to move when asked again. Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc. I stepped in at this point and explained that DW really did need the seat, and loudly suggested to the rest of the carriage that I was sure someone else would be willing to give up a seat for her. Suddenly everyone else was deeply engrossed in their ipads, kindles etc, except for an elderly lady in the other priority seat who clearly needed it too, and offered her seat. The pregnant woman announced loudly that she couldn't possibly ask someone else who needed the seat to give it up, and it was a shame that some people (glaring at DW) had no respect for the priority system, which is in place to ensure those who really need a seat can get one. I pointed out again that DW had a genuine need for the seat too. Cue huffing, eye rolling, and lurching over DW whenever the train changed speed for the rest of her journey.

AIBU to think that although some pregnant women do need a seat on a tube, they shouldn't assume automatic priority over others also in need? There's no priority seat ranking system I don't know about?

OP posts:

TequilaMockingbirdy · 11/05/2014 22:14

If someone tried to knock me out of my seat they'd be very lucky I spoke civily to them at all, never mind make her privy to why I needed the fecking seat.

I might get pregnant, seems it's an excuse to act like an entitled arse hole.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/05/2014 22:15

lying I would have felt the same if a woman had started the thread. I've developed a significant allergy to the unpleasantness directed at pregnant women/ new mothers that I see on here on sometimes.
I don't know that it would have turned out the same because of course, tragically I am not the only person stating my POV.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/05/2014 22:16

That last post by tequilla is ^exactly* the kind of derisory comment Im referring to.

rootypig · 11/05/2014 22:17

If you do experience pregnancy, Tequila, it may be that you have an experience that changes your point of view.

slithytove · 11/05/2014 22:18

Oh and OT, but it's not a miscarriage after 24 weeks. Stillbirth or iud.

BumpNGrind · 11/05/2014 22:18

Tequila, I agree with you there. I wouldn't be very nice at all if someone nearly knocked me onto the floor, but sorry to bring this up again.....I still can't see how this is the case. Particularly if dancersdadwife was already sat in a seat with arm rests to both sides. The only way I can imagine being knocked to the floor when already seated is being picked up.

If this was indeed the case, I wouldn't have been quite so convivial as the OP depicts themself as.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 11/05/2014 22:18

Actually my comment isn't aimed at pregnant women, it's aimed at the women on here who are of the opinion being pregnant gives a person to rant and rave at another person, and be rude. Because people have tried to excuse her behaviour on the basis of being pregnant numerous times.

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:18

Do we really want to live in a society where people are questioned over their need to sit for a tube journey?

Do we live in a society where people are selfish, yes, esp on the tube.

Do we live in a society where people sit in priority seats even when someone who needs it wants it. Yes.

Does this happen on the tube, Yes its been a huge thing, badges are issued and given out to pregnant ladies - big signs put on seats to try and help them.

Are people super man, do they have x ray eyes to determine which people are lying and need the seat or not. NO>

Is it human kindness to just explain a tiny bit, that you feel ill, or faint, or have had an operation...so the person with the badge and the bump...knows you are not being horrible like I imagine all the selfish people who created a need in the fist place for badges and big signs on priority seats.

*do we really need to live in a society where pregnant ladies and very heavily pregnant ladies need to wear BADGES, AND HAVE BIG SIGNS ON SEATS because people are so un courteous they will not offer up seats?"

NO.

Blame society don't blame her.

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:19

do we really want to live in a society where pregnant ladies and very heavily pregnant ladies need to wear BADGES, AND HAVE BIG SIGNS ON SEATS because people are so un courteous they will not offer up seats?"

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:20

TequilaMockingbirdy · 11/05/2014 22:21

rootypig I have experienced pregnancy when I was 17, unfortunately I miscarried. These days though it would seem things have changed and I can do as a please and not think about anyone else. People in this thread have loved telling the OP and DW what to do, think feel, oh and to have compassion for this woman but no-one things the pregnant woman should have done the same. Funny that.

LittleBearPad · 11/05/2014 22:23

But why not say 'I'm ill' dancersdadwife. Why just say you need it.

You say it was the seat or the floor for you. Well it may well have been the same for the pg woman. So a little compassion might not go amiss rather than you and you'd husband moaning about her here.

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:23

tequila

its what happens on the tube. people dash for seats. its what people do.

this wasnt the orient express.

you have to look at this in context.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/05/2014 22:23

FFS.
She thought you were taking the piss.
You chose not to disabuse her of that belief.
She got upset and hysterical.

You are not responsible for her. But I think it's a shame you seem to have no compassion for her situation.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 11/05/2014 22:24

Beyond which of that posts is that replying to?

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:26

I just feel even more sorry for this pregnant lady as the thread goes on, she told op that she was the cherry on an already shit day, the poor woman is wearing a BADGE!!!

And thinks that she is being cheated out of a seat by someone who couldn't for some bizarre reason tell her other wise.

Its so sad. I bet she felt so awful, the poor poor lady.

Mitchell2 · 11/05/2014 22:28

OP's wife... As an actual real life at the moment heavily pregnant woman who catches the tube in rush hour I'd like to reassure you that there is at least one of us who isn't an entitled so and so.

As Jaded said, it's the pregnant woman's behaviour that sucked, not the fact she was pregnant or that she needed to sit as that is def a real need for some pregnant women, and is occasionally, but not often a need for me.

If I really felt that I needed to sit, I would have asked you. But if I had been told by the you that you needed it, would have respected that and sucked it up and asked someone else myself for another seat.

rootypig · 11/05/2014 22:28

Because people have tried to excuse her behaviour on the basis of being pregnant numerous times.

Well I haven't, I've just been trying to answer the OP's question, which is what should they have done in the situation they were faced with. And as you can only ever be responsible for your choices, and as noone else gave up their seat, then I thought DW should have given it up and I would have done the same. I had a relatively easy pregnancy (even with arthritis) and often stood. Actually like a pp I had various pains that were exacerbated by sitting, and often had to tell people this to assuage their guilt about seeing me stand! Equally when my arthritis is bad I have given up my seat for a pregnant woman (or elderly person, or person on crutches). In this situation people accept the seat because my disability is hidden, so it's this AIBU in reverse in a way.

This is just what my values are. Interestingly they were obviously shared by the elderly person on the train, who offered her seat. Interestingly the pregnant woman refused this seat - on the basis of the elderly person's need, however, so we can perhaps infer that she didn't realise the OP's wife needed a seat. But again, all we can talk about here is what choices OP and DW could have made.

OP made a mocking reference to the pregnant woman lurching over DW for journey - I definitely see both sides here but that didn't endear him to me. I find it odd that someone seeing an upset pregnant woman lurching wouldn't be concerned.

Based on DW's responses I am also starting to have sympathy with other posters who felt that perhaps her total unwillingness to explain herself contributed to the problem. And no, I don't mean she should have given her medical history. "I am not well" would have sufficed. I go for "I am in a lot of pain" if called upon to stand when I need to sit eg at work. To each their own.

rootypig · 11/05/2014 22:29

Tequila I am directing my opinion at OP and DW since they are the ones, here asking.

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:30

If someone tried to knock me out of my seat they'd be very lucky I spoke civily to them at all, never mind make her privy to why I needed the fecking seat

I might get pregnant, seems it's an excuse to act like an entitled arse hole

Tequila,

she was entitled to that seat.

She has probably had to ask people to move out of it many times. On this occasion, the ops wife, had a need to sit down.

NO one disputes this, no one has disputed her need to sit.

But she didn't make that clear to the woman who was also entitled to that seat, a seat that is specially and specifically marked out for pregnant women, and so on.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/05/2014 22:32

I agree beyond
I really feel sad for the pregnant woman. I hope it was just a crappy work day that will be ok tomorrow.

Obviously reaching across the seat and shoving you with her arms to try to make you fall from the seat was awful though.

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:34

Lurching, hissy fit and so on, all very un pleasant.

They have mocked her, they have started a monumental thread about her, got total strangers being vile and nasty about her, they have not moved on their opinions an inch, have shown no compassion to her...no understanding of the circumstances they were in, how horrid it was for them generally and how maybe this woman has a shit time twice a day...

On this occasion pregnant lady made the error of not realising it was Dancers Wife in the priority seat ( maybe she missed the announcement) and got upset at someone in a seat marked out for people in her condition.

BeyondRepair · 11/05/2014 22:36

FWIW I feel sorry for both of you, and your DH.

I was shocked by the packed trains and tubes the last time I went to London, I had forgotten too.

At least you have your DH to comfort you I just pray the pregnant lady was going home to someone and did go home alone after such a horrendous awful journey and day.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/05/2014 22:36

Again. I agree with beyond
In fact, I am shattered and need to sleep. So I might leave you to it because I've concurred with each of your posts so far.Thanks.

Mitchell2 · 11/05/2014 22:37

beyond I don't feel sorry for the pregnant woman at all.... Maybe I'm naive but I'd be thinking that if someone refused to give me the priority seat because they 'needed it' they actually needed it. I think it would take a special type of person to lie out and out about that, especially to a pregnant woman with a badge and I just don't think most of the population would. But again, I would be wrong and actually 99.99% of the population would be such assholes.... Oh well I like that fact I have a little faith in people, makes life so much more pleasant.

Oh and a little tip for everyone.... Tfl give out BOB badges to any women. They don't actually check or confirm if your pregnant so if the masses are correct and pregnancy DOES become the holy grail of pregnancy top trumps then you all can jump on board

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