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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that pregnant women don't trump everybody else for a seat on the tube?

992 replies

dancersdad · 09/05/2014 19:34

I possibly need some perspective. DW and I were in London today, and unavoidably had to travel on the tube this evening in commuter rush hour. DW has a number of health issues that aren't physically visible, but definitely do impact upon her ability to stand on a crowded tube. When we got on at the start of our journey back the tube was packed with no free seats, so we both stood and I held onto DW as I was worried she was going to fall. The carriage was made up almost entirely of commuters. Two stops into our journey an elderly man got off leaving one of the priority seats free- the only free seat in the carriage. DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant woman who tried to slide into the seat alongside DW and beat her to it, as it was DW was already in the seat and the other woman stood up. She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them. DW told her that she had a reason for needing the priority seat too and refused to move when asked again. Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc. I stepped in at this point and explained that DW really did need the seat, and loudly suggested to the rest of the carriage that I was sure someone else would be willing to give up a seat for her. Suddenly everyone else was deeply engrossed in their ipads, kindles etc, except for an elderly lady in the other priority seat who clearly needed it too, and offered her seat. The pregnant woman announced loudly that she couldn't possibly ask someone else who needed the seat to give it up, and it was a shame that some people (glaring at DW) had no respect for the priority system, which is in place to ensure those who really need a seat can get one. I pointed out again that DW had a genuine need for the seat too. Cue huffing, eye rolling, and lurching over DW whenever the train changed speed for the rest of her journey.

AIBU to think that although some pregnant women do need a seat on a tube, they shouldn't assume automatic priority over others also in need? There's no priority seat ranking system I don't know about? Confused

OP posts:
AntoinetteCosway · 10/05/2014 17:32

I am always amazed by how rude some commuters can be. On one tube in a very hot summer I saw a heavily pregnant woman (who no one had moved for) faint. I was about 16 at the time and the only people who went to help her were me and an old lady (who had also been standing, as had I). There were dozens of men in suits sitting down reading papers and pretending they couldn't see what was happening. Thankfully she wasn't out for long and we were able to give her a drink and get her off at the next stop. I am still angry that not a single bloody businessman so much as raised a finger!

AntoinetteCosway · 10/05/2014 17:33

Despite us asking for help, I should say. Literally, it was as though everyone went deaf and blind.

summersoft · 10/05/2014 17:49

Wow, what a wonderful world we all live in.

whatever5 · 10/05/2014 18:10

I agree it's the middle aged men in suits who are often the worst. I've noticed that if I fall over, women and younger men (twenties) rush over to see if I'm okay whereas the middle aged men just pretend they haven't noticed.

ithaka · 10/05/2014 18:34

You sound very precious about your DW (understandably) but the poor pregnant lady had no one with her to fight her corner. How do you know she didn't have a hidden disability she did not want to share with the train carriage?

Two against one is ganging up - especially when one of you is an able bodied man against a vulnerable, tired, heavily pregnant woman. If I were you, OP, I would feel pretty ashamed of my behaviour, not defending it on a forum.

Why didn't you come on here to castigate the other commuters for not giving up a seat? Obviously you get more of a sanctimonious glow from picking on those more vulnerable than you - what a prince among men you are.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 18:37

Erm because none of the other passengers gave his wife a mouthful when actually what she said should have been enough.

The pregnant woman was rude.

FaFoutis · 10/05/2014 18:42

I made a point I didn't quite mean earlier, what I readlly meant was what ithaka said.

ithaka · 10/05/2014 18:47

The pregnant woman was rude and tired and vulnerable and in need of a seat. But yeah, have a go at her why don't you? You wouldn't want to upset any important men going about their daily business when there is a pregnant woman to bitch about.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 18:50

I don't think being tired gives you a right to be rude though. I must remember when my pregnant colleague is being outrageously rude that I mustn't take offence because she's tired.

Also, highly doubt there were no other women on that carriage other than the op's wife (vulnerable), pregnant woman (vulnerable) and the old lady (vulnerable) so not sure about the fixation on "important men" Confused

WooWooOwl · 10/05/2014 18:52

Two against one is ganging up! Seriously?

I thought we were talking about a train full of adult passengers, not eight year olds in a playground.

The OP wouldn't have needed to say anything if rude woman hadn't been so rude to his wife! He was sticking up for his vulnerable wife, not ganging up on someone.

FFS.

Maybe OP isn't having a go at the seated commuters because although they were selfish and inconsiderate, they weren't openly abusive to his sick wife!

ithaka · 10/05/2014 18:54

Well, I don't know what the OP's fixation is on the pregnant lady who needed a seat. Why not be annoyed by all the people who did not give up a seat, who didn't need one? That is my point.

WooWooOwl · 10/05/2014 18:55

They weren't having a go at his wife.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 18:56

Because nobody else was abusive to his wife? That is glaringly obvious.

Other passengers - passively rude

Pregnant woman - actively rude

ithaka · 10/05/2014 18:56

Two against one is ganging up! Seriously? Seriously, yes it is. He was there to support his wife, which he plainly took great delight in doing. It never even seems to have crossed his tiny brain that the pregnant lady may have additional needs - maybe she had an ED too, for all he knew?

sarinka · 10/05/2014 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 10/05/2014 19:00

Yes, I'm sure he took great pleasure in watching someone have a go at his sick wife when they'd spent the day at hospital. Of course, that makes perfect sense. Hmm

And maybe the pregnant woman did have an ED. For all we know, she did. But for all we know, she was perfectly fine to stand despite being pregnant, just like I was in my first pregnancy.

FrontForward · 10/05/2014 19:01

How grim that we have competitive suffering instead of focusing on the real issue of how people who needs seats can be assured of one.

Your wife sounds like she needed a seat

Pregnancy makes women in need of a seat

Your wife got there first so she should keep the seat and the pregnant woman should accept it in the same way that she would if your wife had an obvious physical disability.

It's not acceptable that she went for your wife in that way. It's not acceptable that no one else gave their seat up.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/05/2014 19:03

I'm still struggling with this one tbh.
What was this "string of abuse"?
I'm really not defending rudeness here. But it seems that (yes I'll say it again) the pregnant woman did NOT consider her pregnancy trumped everyone else's right to a seat. She just didn't get that the op's DW was unwell.
I dont believe ppl should have to reveal their diagnoses of course, but simply saying that you have a need for a seat is a bit obtuse. I think it would have been more sensible given the circumstances just to say she was unwell.
obviously, if she was very rude then that's not acceptable. But she did need a seat.

JadedAngel · 10/05/2014 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondRepair · 10/05/2014 19:14

I think it would have been more sensible given the circumstances just to say she was unwell

Yes diplomatic and explains the issue...

allisgood1 · 10/05/2014 19:17

This is a reflection on people in general, not just the pregnant woman. If the OP's DW really did say "I need to sit", then the pregnant woman should have accepted that and asked someone else to move. On the same token, someone else NOT in a priority seat should have offered to move. People are fucking rude.

I am visibly pregnant and yesterday outside a busy central London station, slipped and fell with a coffee, two bags, and a suitcase. At least 20 people observed this, some right next to me and not a single person asked if I was ok or helped me. Wtf has happened to people to make them so bloody selfish?

squoosh · 10/05/2014 19:23

That's shitty allis. Hope you and bump are okay.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 19:33

I think there is a different attitude in London to other places in the UK.

I go to London often but live in Cardiff. Last time I was there I helped a woman carry her pushchair (toddler sat in it obviously) up some stairs to the platform at Westfield, she looked genuinely stunned. Whereas in Cardiff, that kind of thing is pretty routine.

I'm quite sure that if I keeled over at the entrance to a tube station at rush hour,people would kick me down the stairs in their haste rather than stop and help.

So whilst I can understand that the pregnant woman was frustrated and presumably fed up to the back teeth of dealing with it daily, she was rude and directed it at the wrong person.

BeyondRepair · 10/05/2014 19:36

I don't think its London centric at all...I think rush hour is a particularly horrid time anyway and a sort of witching hour....

However I have been in London and elsewhere and been helped equally and ignored equally.

BeyondRepair · 10/05/2014 19:37

Why didn't you come on here to castigate the other commuters for not giving up a seat? Obviously you get more of a sanctimonious glow from picking on those more vulnerable than you - what a prince among men you are

^ yes.