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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that pregnant women don't trump everybody else for a seat on the tube?

992 replies

dancersdad · 09/05/2014 19:34

I possibly need some perspective. DW and I were in London today, and unavoidably had to travel on the tube this evening in commuter rush hour. DW has a number of health issues that aren't physically visible, but definitely do impact upon her ability to stand on a crowded tube. When we got on at the start of our journey back the tube was packed with no free seats, so we both stood and I held onto DW as I was worried she was going to fall. The carriage was made up almost entirely of commuters. Two stops into our journey an elderly man got off leaving one of the priority seats free- the only free seat in the carriage. DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant woman who tried to slide into the seat alongside DW and beat her to it, as it was DW was already in the seat and the other woman stood up. She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them. DW told her that she had a reason for needing the priority seat too and refused to move when asked again. Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc. I stepped in at this point and explained that DW really did need the seat, and loudly suggested to the rest of the carriage that I was sure someone else would be willing to give up a seat for her. Suddenly everyone else was deeply engrossed in their ipads, kindles etc, except for an elderly lady in the other priority seat who clearly needed it too, and offered her seat. The pregnant woman announced loudly that she couldn't possibly ask someone else who needed the seat to give it up, and it was a shame that some people (glaring at DW) had no respect for the priority system, which is in place to ensure those who really need a seat can get one. I pointed out again that DW had a genuine need for the seat too. Cue huffing, eye rolling, and lurching over DW whenever the train changed speed for the rest of her journey.

AIBU to think that although some pregnant women do need a seat on a tube, they shouldn't assume automatic priority over others also in need? There's no priority seat ranking system I don't know about? Confused

OP posts:
BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 00:05

I agree squoosh, and if the dw was in such need of a seat I don't get why she travelled for a few stops instead of asking for a seat herself. Similarly why the OP couldn't have asked for a priority seat for his DW if he was so concerned for her.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 00:06

Tequila, Well apparently the PG woman had only just got on, so went and found a priority seat and asked to sit down. The DW and OP had been travelling for a few stops and asked nobody

And as the OP said, his wife wouldn't have lasted much longer and would have had to ask had the seat not been made available.

God forbid someone tries to keep standing but has to admit defeat.

BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 00:11

So let's get this right...the pregnant woman gets on a tube, see's a free priority seat, goes to take it but then finds that another woman rushes towards it. This woman did not just get on the tube herself, but from the pg perspective has just decided to take a seat because it's free.

I can very well see how the gp woman would have questioned this and got frustrated.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 00:13

Yes, the woman who was on the brink of having to ask for a seat sat down when one became available - oh the travesty. Hmm

BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 00:15

How would the pg woman know that this woman was on the brink of asking for a seat? She only saw the dw rush towards the priority seat when she had previously been standing up, and questioned it.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 00:18

No-one has said she knew. She didn't just question it though did she, she gave the OP's wife the 3rd degree and was incredibly rude.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 00:20

The pregnant woman was rude. Very.

The op has said his DW has recently had an operation related to her eating disorder relapse. I would wager his DW doesn't look well.

BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 00:22

Alis how does a person who's had an operation look?

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 00:31

Bump

Might I suggest that it would be the eating disorder that would be providing visual clues all was not well.

Someone in the full throes of one is quite clearly, visibly unwell.

HTH

BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 00:37

You may of course suggest it but unfortunately it isn't always the case that someone with an eating disorder looks visibly unwell. In fact there are many people who have been encouraged whilst losing dramatic amounts of weight by the fact that people say how much better they look.

Clearly the OP is concerned about his DW but from the pg woman's perspective, she wasn't expected to know.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 00:39

As people have said, no she wasn't expected to know but should have backed down once the OP's wife said she needed the seat instead of making a song and dance on the train she'd only just stepped on.

KatieKaye · 10/05/2014 00:42

If it's abdominal surgery like OP said then she probably looks wiped out, pale and peaky, generally unwell. I know I looked terrible for several weeks.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 00:51

True.

But does she really get a free pass on being rude just because she's pregnant? Is that a thing now?

BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 01:03

I don't see that she was more rude than someone who's rushed into a seat, not given a reason which classes her as priority (however genuine that may be), refuses to get up when a visibly pregnant woman asks her politely (at first), and then lets her husband shout at the pregnant woman.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 01:08

I didn't think there was a rule that people with disabilities had to justify themselves. I must be mistaken hmm]

I do hope MN does pick up the Invisible Disabilities Campaign which has been discussed.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 01:11
  • how did she rush? DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant and anyway, it's not rude to take a seat that's empty.
  • she doesn't have to give a reason, it is no-one else's business what is wrong with her. I recently had an embarrassing problem that meant i had to sit. If anyone had questioned me I would have simply said I needed the seat too, not gone into details about my medical history. It's protected data for a reason
  • again, why should she get up for the pregnant woman? she needed the seat too. You really are insistent on the pregnant woman trumping the DW aren't you?
  • did the OP shout? He defended his wife because someone was being extremely rude questioning her. I would hope any DH/DP would do the same. Pregnant woman was still fine with glaring, huffing and puffing and eye rolling wasn't she?
TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 01:13

Ah yes Alisvolatpropiis perhaps people should have to wear labels just in case some idiot on a train feels they don't look disabled enough.

squoosh · 10/05/2014 01:15

Well they're both fast asleep now.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/05/2014 01:16

That has actually been discussed as legitimate option Tequila, which I found quite disturbing.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 01:20

Oh dear. :(

I think if you're a seasoned commuter with an invisible disability, it would be good to have an option you can have on your tickets that state you need a priority seat. Or some sort of card. Keep it in your purse, whip it out when someone questions you and watch their faces fall. Yes fuckface I am entitled to this seat so bore off.

BumpNGrind · 10/05/2014 01:21

It's not about 'looking disabled' whatever that means, but when questioned why she needed a priority seat, (which is for pregnant women, disabled people and those less able to stand), DW didn't make it clear that she was less able to stand than the pregnant woman or that she had a disability. Just that she did really need the seat. The pregnant woman also did really need the seat but wasn't made aware of why DW needed it.

slithytove · 10/05/2014 01:22

Im not classed as disabled but I do have an invisible reason for needing to sit. I would love for there to be a generic "priority seat" badge rather than just a baby on board badge.

This would help me and apparently others. Yet I'm somehow being offensive? Sorry that this small thing which would help me, but which others could choose not to use is so disturbing.

slithytove · 10/05/2014 01:23

How that is classed as a label I have no idea, one doesn't have to wear the damned badge, again it's a case of well some people might not want it so don't offer it to anyone.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 01:26

Yes Bump we get that, but why should the DW have to tell her anything other than that? Surely 'I need this seat' means 'I need to sit down' and thus 'I'm less able to stand'. Anyone with a logical thought process would come to this conclusion without having to be given more details. The pregnant woman doesn't have to be made aware of anything, except the DW has a 'need' which she expressed.

slithy I think it's a bit horrible if we have to make folk wear labels just so people don't question them. And I don't think for one second it'll make people give up their seats if they see the person wearing the label, I bet they'll think 'well she/he looks fine', thus completely missing the point of the label in the first place.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 10/05/2014 01:27

one doesn't have to wear the damned badge, again it's a case of well some people might not want it so don't offer it to anyone

And then those who don't wear one because they don't want to be labelled are in a worse position than they were in the beginning. 'well why arent you wearing a label' etc.