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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that pregnant women don't trump everybody else for a seat on the tube?

992 replies

dancersdad · 09/05/2014 19:34

I possibly need some perspective. DW and I were in London today, and unavoidably had to travel on the tube this evening in commuter rush hour. DW has a number of health issues that aren't physically visible, but definitely do impact upon her ability to stand on a crowded tube. When we got on at the start of our journey back the tube was packed with no free seats, so we both stood and I held onto DW as I was worried she was going to fall. The carriage was made up almost entirely of commuters. Two stops into our journey an elderly man got off leaving one of the priority seats free- the only free seat in the carriage. DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant woman who tried to slide into the seat alongside DW and beat her to it, as it was DW was already in the seat and the other woman stood up. She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them. DW told her that she had a reason for needing the priority seat too and refused to move when asked again. Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc. I stepped in at this point and explained that DW really did need the seat, and loudly suggested to the rest of the carriage that I was sure someone else would be willing to give up a seat for her. Suddenly everyone else was deeply engrossed in their ipads, kindles etc, except for an elderly lady in the other priority seat who clearly needed it too, and offered her seat. The pregnant woman announced loudly that she couldn't possibly ask someone else who needed the seat to give it up, and it was a shame that some people (glaring at DW) had no respect for the priority system, which is in place to ensure those who really need a seat can get one. I pointed out again that DW had a genuine need for the seat too. Cue huffing, eye rolling, and lurching over DW whenever the train changed speed for the rest of her journey.

AIBU to think that although some pregnant women do need a seat on a tube, they shouldn't assume automatic priority over others also in need? There's no priority seat ranking system I don't know about? Confused

OP posts:
BumpNGrind · 09/05/2014 23:02

Lose not lies

GobbolinoCat · 09/05/2014 23:04

Exaclty Bump, I see that too.

I also think its more about OP's bruised ego...than anything else.

Its nice you had respect for others needs more than op and his wife..

I just cannot imagine myself and my DH behaving in this way....I just wouldn't want to upset a pregnant lady, anything could happen, we would have gone about the whole thing in a different way..

GobbolinoCat · 09/05/2014 23:05

Pointless thread

Retro, what is the point of most threads?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/05/2014 23:06

You don't weave through the carriage, the seats are nearest the doors.

Previous occupant got off, PG lady got on, in the intervening period DW sat down as brittle bones mean she has a need for the seat. What's hard to believe or understand here?

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/05/2014 23:06

I am genuinely amazed at how this thread has gone given how much talk there is on this site of considering invisible disabilities.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/05/2014 23:06

Yy Ali

Mitchell2 · 09/05/2014 23:10

Shock I cannot believe some of the views on this thread.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. I catch the tube. I sometimes struggle with SPD so I understand a pregnant woman's need to sit. But if I asked for a seat and was told by someone that they needed to sit down due to health issues I would respect that and then I would ask if someone else could give up their seat for me.

If I didn't get a seat and I really needed it, yes I'd be pissed but I'd get off and get on the next train and try again.

Don't get me wrong, there are assholes on public transport and I've encountered a few of them while I've been pregnant (hello trying to physically shove me and others out if the way to get to a seat when a waiting a minute would do) but OP in my eyes on the face of what you have said you and your wife certainly are not.

BumpNGrind · 09/05/2014 23:11

The thing that's difficult to understand is that the seat remained empty for long enough for the pregnant woman to have just got on. IME by the time the doors have opened, all of the empty seats have been taken. That must mean that the pregnant woman was already on the tube and had clearly been waiting for a priority seat to be available. It sounds like both the DW and pregnant woman slid towards the same seat and somehow the woman carrying probably around 3 stone of extra weight mussed out on the seat by a vulnerable woman with brittle bones who 'slid' into the seat

perfectstorm · 09/05/2014 23:12

I think you're conflating "unpleasant woman with terrible manners was rude to my disabled wife" with "pregnant women shouldn't have priority seating need" tbh. She behaved really badly, and of course your wife shouldn't have given up a needed seat, but at the same time a lot of pregnant women feel awful, some actually do suffer from mobility problems, so yes, they should take priority over the able-bodied, which your thread title seems to question.

I was in London in the rush hour when 6 months pregnant last year. I had people stand for me on every one of 5 tubes that day, and as I had SPD I was so grateful. Standing was extremely painful. I'm sad that carriage were so unhelpful, because as I say, I encountered someone standing to let me sit on every new train. Surprised me, actually.

YANBU in thinking the woman was rude, once told your wife also had priority need. She was absolutely obnoxious. But you are unreasonable in thinking pregnancy shouldn't trump an able, non-pregnant, reasonably young person.

dingalong · 09/05/2014 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/05/2014 23:16

Not at all, if PG woman got on but elderly woman leaving seat was taking time to stand up and get things, then maybe DW and DH were standing aside to let her out, DW squeezed past DH etc etc.

koalaDevon · 09/05/2014 23:22

Yabu. I think the heavily pregnant woman really did need the seat, if your dw was is such a great need of the seat why did you not ask another passenger for one previously, when your dw was standing? Presumably the pregnant woman saw your dw had been travelling whilst standing when she got on the train?

KatieKaye · 09/05/2014 23:22

Maybe other passengers had heard the pregnant woman berating OPs DW and that's why they didn't offer her a seat?
To try to humiliate someone when she'd been told three times had a genuine need for the seat was very unpleasant and not very likely to get a positive response. At this stage, it sounds like she'd decided it was that particular seat or no seat at all.
She needed a seat - so did OPs wife, who not only was on the tube first, but got to the seat first. None of us can say whose medical need was greater, but OP naturally felt protective towards his wife and prioritised her needs while still trying to assist the other woman in getting a seat. I don't see what more he could have done in the circumstances.

PinkSquash · 09/05/2014 23:33

Playing devils advocate with an earlier argument, surely if pregnant lady knew she couldn't stand, she too should have taken a taxi instead of using the tube.

I've fainted on the tube while standing (and 3 months pregnant), it's not fun but there's normally someone on a carriage who will give up a seat when it's needed.

BumpNGrind · 09/05/2014 23:35

It sounds like the dw wasn't clear that she needed the seat because she had a disability (no need to explain what it was), rather she just said she had a reason for wanting to sit down.

Most people on a packed tube have a reason for wanting to sit down, but if you can evidently rush towards a seat and beat someone else (the OP says that the dw was nearly knocked over but somehow still managed to sit down first), then it does warrant an explanation when someone who is pregnant asks politely (which the pregnant woman did at first).

The pregnant woman also refused to take a seat from an elderly woman, which may hint that she would also refuse a seat from a disabled person if she was aware that they were disabled.

dingalong · 09/05/2014 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaye · 09/05/2014 23:43

Exactly, pink squash. I was wondering when all the "if you are so ill you need a seat then you shouldn't use public transport" posters would think about that.

And according to what OP has said, his wife looks ill and frail, so it wouldn't take much for pregnant woman to realise she really did need a seat. In any case, she was told there was a reason but refused to accept this. It almost comes across as bullying on her part and sounds as if OP hadn't been there that his poor wife might have been forced to give up a seat she really needed, after coming to London for a medical appointment - so out of the norm for her. We don't know if the pregnant woman was also a visitor or if this was her normal commute.

squoosh · 09/05/2014 23:44

The description of the pregnant woman's behaviour may not be completely unbiased.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 09/05/2014 23:53

Yabu. I think the heavily pregnant woman really did need the seat, if your dw was is such a great need of the seat why did you not ask another passenger for one previously, when your dw was standing?

Why didn't the pregnant woman do the same?

The OP has already answered that question btw.

Freckletoes · 09/05/2014 23:53

Only read the OP so responding to that. The problem with hidden disabilities is that they are hidden! So realistically anyone could say they have a disability that requires seating/parking/fast tracking etc and no one can really know the truth. The problem here lies in the fact that there are so many people taking the piss that if no disability is evident then people will assume it is another piss take. Also the fact that people don't want to disclose their problem doesn't help-again it looks more like the person is just making it up. There is no way for this to be resolved unfortunately.....

KatieKaye · 09/05/2014 23:55

Really, squoosh?

Better get in touch with the Daily Fail. I can just see tomorrows headline
DH favours DW over random pregnant stranger on tube.

Every other post here is totally objective of course.

A fairly recent abdominal operation is a pretty good reason for needing a seat on a tube. A fall could be very dangerous for DW - stitches ripping open for example.

BumpNGrind · 09/05/2014 23:56

Tequila, Well apparently the PG woman had only just got on, so went and found a priority seat and asked to sit down. The DW and OP had been travelling for a few stops and asked nobody.

squoosh · 10/05/2014 00:00

Clearly I'm not saying every post here is objective just that maybe the pregnant woman wasn't as bullying as he perceived her to be. And that maybe there's no need for people to describe her as 'vile' and to pity her unborn child for having such a mother. That's all.

Everyone got home safe and sound so hey ho!

Cheekybleeder · 10/05/2014 00:02

Amen squoosh!

Playingthelonggame · 10/05/2014 00:04

Oh I lve a good hysterical thread!