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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that pregnant women don't trump everybody else for a seat on the tube?

992 replies

dancersdad · 09/05/2014 19:34

I possibly need some perspective. DW and I were in London today, and unavoidably had to travel on the tube this evening in commuter rush hour. DW has a number of health issues that aren't physically visible, but definitely do impact upon her ability to stand on a crowded tube. When we got on at the start of our journey back the tube was packed with no free seats, so we both stood and I held onto DW as I was worried she was going to fall. The carriage was made up almost entirely of commuters. Two stops into our journey an elderly man got off leaving one of the priority seats free- the only free seat in the carriage. DW went to take the seat and was almost knocked onto the floor by a heavily pregnant woman who tried to slide into the seat alongside DW and beat her to it, as it was DW was already in the seat and the other woman stood up. She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them. DW told her that she had a reason for needing the priority seat too and refused to move when asked again. Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc. I stepped in at this point and explained that DW really did need the seat, and loudly suggested to the rest of the carriage that I was sure someone else would be willing to give up a seat for her. Suddenly everyone else was deeply engrossed in their ipads, kindles etc, except for an elderly lady in the other priority seat who clearly needed it too, and offered her seat. The pregnant woman announced loudly that she couldn't possibly ask someone else who needed the seat to give it up, and it was a shame that some people (glaring at DW) had no respect for the priority system, which is in place to ensure those who really need a seat can get one. I pointed out again that DW had a genuine need for the seat too. Cue huffing, eye rolling, and lurching over DW whenever the train changed speed for the rest of her journey.

AIBU to think that although some pregnant women do need a seat on a tube, they shouldn't assume automatic priority over others also in need? There's no priority seat ranking system I don't know about? Confused

OP posts:
squoosh · 09/05/2014 22:28

'pity the child who has to have her as a mum'

A tad OTT perhaps?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/05/2014 22:28

Hold on, neither the Pregnant Woman nor the OPS wife were being unreasonable. The other commuters were. Shame on them.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/05/2014 22:29

Baby on Board is useful if you are at the 3-4 month "is she fat or is she PG?" Stage Grin

hazeyjane · 09/05/2014 22:30

Yes someone should have given up their seat, but the pregnant woman should not have harangued the op's wife.

hazeyjane · 09/05/2014 22:31

Cue a whole string of abuse about how no one has any manners nowadays, that she had asked DW to give up her seat for her because as a woman she would expect DW to understand that pregnancy can be hell, the least she could do would be to let her have the seat etc

rootypig · 09/05/2014 22:33

OP I mean that I don't think it was appropriate for someone in your wife's condition to be on the tube at all. Unless I am misunderstanding how you describe her now, she sounds quite unwell (and I'm sorry for that). More broadly I am talking about the complex emotional relationship a person has with their body and their disability, which I can only imagine is terribly complicated when an ED is at play, that prevents a person from making good choices and protecting themselves.

Doctrine I meant dashed less in a physical sense, more the act of claiming it. When a seat comes free on the tube I always check with people around me if they want it before taking it myself.

gobbin · 09/05/2014 22:33

Oh for a touch of Greece. No priority seats but superb sense of social awareness. Every time people get on the trams those seated have an awareness of who's got on.
Not one elderly, frail or pregnant person failed to have a seat offered to them. I suspect if someone asked for a seat because they had an unobvious problem then they would have had it straight away.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/05/2014 22:35

Ikea

Because she was already seated. He did ask for a seat for the pregnant woman and was ignored. Not his fault.

Smo2 · 09/05/2014 22:35

My daughter has CErebral Palsy, epilepsy and movement disorder. She finds it really hard to remain standing on the tube she has poor balance...but it is not immediately obvious when you look at her. Standing and hanging on simply is very hard for her, unless I support her. Getting a seat ona train is really vital. It is very hard when you have a disability that isn't so obvious, you have to be more forthright, and are often treated with suspicion or like you are taking the piss. At the moment, I speak for my daughter and ask, as she's only 11. But FFS, if the DW says...I need the seat...she shouldn't then have to elaborate on her condition, my daughter would hate that. Pregnant woman really should have directed her anger elsewhere.

Perhaps they need a similar scheme like the baby on board badges....but you can't say a pregnant woman needs the seat any more, or any less without really understanding the full extent of someone's disability. Really she should have backed off. IMO
Why we are discussing whether they should or shouldn't be on a tube, should have waited for an empty train or paid lots to take a taxi is irrelevant....we all make choices...and this was the one that they thought would be best at the time.

JonesRipley · 09/05/2014 22:36

OP

I am also surprised you opted for the tube in these circumstances You DW sounds really fragile and you sounds understandably protective of her

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/05/2014 22:39

But DW was presumably nearer the seat than someone who'd just got on.

Sorry if I missed it, but do you need a priority seat, rooty? If DW had asked people next to her if they wanted the seat, I'm sure someone would have said yes on the basis that DW wouldn't be offering unless she had no priority and was checking if others did.

Mybellyisaneasteregg · 09/05/2014 22:47

Yab a bit unreasonable

Maybe the pregnant women needed the seat just as much as your wife. How do you know she didn't Confused

I think given the situation you should have given the seat to her and continued to support/hold onto your wife, whilst waiting and asking others politely for a seat.

BumpNGrind · 09/05/2014 22:51

I've just read the thread and I'm still not quite sure how all of this happened. In my experience when people get up at rush hour, the seat is taken pretty quickly, people usually get up a couple of seconds before their stop. So the pregnant woman must have been standing on the train already. Also it says in your original post that your dw was almost knocked to the floor by the pregnant woman-I'm surprised that your dw actually 'won' the seat when she sounds so vulnerable and fragile.

You also say that the pregnant woman apologised and explained that it was a priority seat, but it seems that actually you were the one who started shouting to the carriage about people giving up their seats. I can imagine that the commuters were burying their heads in their books when they heard a man shouting at a pregnant woman. No wonder she needed to loudly huff and puff. I also think you are being very melodramatically say that the pregnant woman 'lurched' over your dw when the tube stopped.

Tbh it sounds like you could have handled this a lot better yourself. There clearly wasn't a winner in this situation, disability doesn't trump pregnancy necessarily or vice versa, so yabu to ask the question at all, or to pose it as if your dw was 'entitled' to sit down over the pregnant woman.

scottishmummy · 09/05/2014 22:51

No.the pg lady had a legitimate need as did op wife,none trumped other
Seat should have been vacated by other commuters
These two were not the only commuters or seat occupiers

GobbolinoCat · 09/05/2014 22:53

I think given the situation you should have given the seat to her and continued to support/hold onto your wife, whilst waiting and asking others politely for a seat

This is an interesting point, Our vicious horrid pregnant Lady didn't take the offer of a seat from the elderly person

I wonder had the op and his wife done this, whether she wouldn't have re offered the seat back....seeing the wife needed support...

Rabbitcar · 09/05/2014 22:54

When I was pregnant, I wouldn't have dreamt of being so demanding. YADNBU. I think too many pregnant women think their needs trump everyone else's.

Eg a young lady at work is always complaining about her commute and no one giving her a seat, but she then goes to the gym for a full workout (and jogs at weekends). So she is clearly not suffering as much physically as some disabled people are. If someone gave me a seat on the tube, I would be grateful, but I would certainly not have expected it.

Retropear · 09/05/2014 22:55

But nobody knows the full details of a woman's pregnancy either.With my second I could just about have managed lurching about and standing up but with my first twin pregnancy after 3 months HG,low iron levels,breathlessness,carpel tunnel,knackered knees...... I would have needed a seat end of.

You can go round and round as much as you like but life experience means people will have different views which aren't going to change so the op is kind of pointless.

GobbolinoCat · 09/05/2014 22:56

Good points Bumpngrind

Its getting Forsensic now, I wonder if we could obtain the carriage video footage...Grin

rootypig · 09/05/2014 22:56
Grin
GobbolinoCat · 09/05/2014 22:57

When I was pregnant, I wouldn't have dreamt of being so demanding

So if you felt like you were in hell which is how the lady described how she felt....you wouldn't have batted an eye lid....

Retropear · 09/05/2014 22:59

And as a poster said further down,some people with an ingrowing toenail toe nail would insist they needed a seat.People and ailments vary.

My mum is in her 70s,has a cracked spine and is in a lot of pain(for which she refuses pain killers). She would have insisted the pg lady had the seat.Others are different.

How is anybody to know the details or the details of said pregnancy?

Pointless thread.

SoonToBeSix · 09/05/2014 22:59

Yabu if the pregnant lady had fallen her baby could have been more seriously hurt than the broken bone you wife may have suffered. Also like someone pointed out already you were there to catch her.

Rabbitcar · 09/05/2014 23:00

There were times when I was in hell, and once or twice politely asked for a seat, and was given one. Yes I had back ache and other problematic symptoms, but others may have had worse. I was not a martyr, but also had a lot of respect for others' needs.

BumpNGrind · 09/05/2014 23:01

I just feel that the OP doesn't sound true to life, I can imagine how annoying it would be if you were a visibly pregnant woman weaving through the carriage, finally reaching the seat, the train stops and then a woman who doesn't have an obvious disability, sits down. I know that hidden disabilities can be every bit as painful as those which are visible, but in a moment of frustration I can also see that it might be easy to lies sight of that.

rootypig · 09/05/2014 23:02

How is anybody to know the details or the details of said pregnancy?

Pretty sure the woman told them herself:

"She then told DW she was so sorry to ask her to move, but she was in a priority seat and as she was sure she knew, priority seats are reserved for those who really need them."

People aren't applying the logic to the pregnant woman that they are to the OP's DW. And the pregnant woman is two people.