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AIBU?

I know I'm being petty, but AIBU also to not do this person a favour?

137 replies

SumBex · 04/05/2014 19:15

This concerns a woman whom I met through baby groups several years ago along with several other women. We had a bit of a run in at one point where she basically screamed in my DD's face after she pushed her DS over. I've never really forgiven her for this but remained civil for the sake of the wider friendship circle.

Fast forward a couple of years and our DC are in the same class at school. The friendship circle splintered a little while ago and I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she has said some things about me that aren't true to another ex-friend from the same group. All sounds pretty childish right?

Anyway, she's asked me for the details of a children's entertainer I used for DD'sbirthday party last year, but truthfully, I don't want to do her any favours. Plus we might use him again as DD has asked for the same party.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this is super petty but AIBU to not give her the details? I just don't feel like doing her any favours given our history. If IANBU how do I politely say no to her request?

OP posts:

Report

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:39

Oops, forgot to add, that I did say something to her after the screaming incident and she never replied. I mentioned it upthread.

OP posts:

revolutionarytoad · 04/05/2014 20:39

Do what suits you the most. In the long run what's best?

Will it make you feel good and safer in the moment, or will that wear off after a while.....will the feelings you have towards her start to wear on you emotionally in a negative way.....if you do her a favour now it might help put a line under what happened before. Who's got the energy to
I'm always getting the wrong idea about people, if I wanted to have any friends I had to give people second chances! Not saying you have but she's probably nice really. We all have ugly, impulsive sides at times don't we? Would be a pity to make it into a thing if actually she's cool.

However I can also see why you wouldn't want to ignore your feelings and that's healthy too......

4littleones · 04/05/2014 20:41

I don't think handing over the details of an entertainer is "going out your way to do her a favour".
If you think this is a big favour then I don't see how you can say your a people pleaser.

You seriously need to get a life

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:43

I think long term I would feel worse if I gave her the number. She will inevitably do something else to crap all over me, and it won't be the last thing she asks from me.

As I mentioned before, we already did her a huge favour before and it cause no end of shit for us. I don't suppose that this is the same because what could she do as a result of me passing on a number? But, having said that, I don't see why I should considering the way she has treated me

OP posts:

JeggingsHateMe · 04/05/2014 20:45

You are taking it out on no one but the entertainer, her DC and possibly your DC. Taking back that 'power' at the expense of others feelings .

You do what you 'need' to do op, but I honestly hope that you find a grip next to your new found 'power' because this is such a non event, I'd be more believing that you really did feel all enlightened, that this non event had caused a life changing cosmic explosion if you actually explained why you didn't wish to take a second to pass on a number, I suspect though that you'll 'forget' or make an excuse. Girl power!

You are looking like the person she said you were.

Sorry op, YABVU.

4littleones · 04/05/2014 20:45

i'm sure she has probably googled it by now anyway. And it will be you who looks ridiculous

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:46

I guess it's not really going out of my way on this occasion - the last favour really was though.

I'm a people pleaser because I will do anything for anyone, no matter what inconvenience it will cause me and have trouble saying 'no' under any circumstances (partly why I had to ask here). I'm trying to stop being that person. It's exhausting and actually doesn't always have the desired effect.

OP posts:

JeggingsHateMe · 04/05/2014 20:46

You are not a people pleaser op, read your thread ;)

Thetallesttower · 04/05/2014 20:47

This seems an odd point in the whole saga to now stand up for yourself, as others have said, it's quite late on and will probably have the effect of continuing it rather than helping put it behind you.

You don't have to let her trample on your boundaries again, but I really think texting the name of an entertainer is trivial, and if she was prepared to invite your children, then the fact you won't hand it over and will not be attending either (I know for good reasons) will make it look like you are the petty one.

I would text it, I don't see it as people pleasing to do this.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:49

I don't care if she's found the number herself . Good for her I say.

jeggings. I never said this was some sort of revelationary understanding or enlightenment - just a simple understanding of why I feel the way I do about one small issue in my life. I don't always understand why I behave the way I do, so when I manage to figure it out, it's quite nice.

I think posters here are assigning more importance to this than I am actually.

OP posts:

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:52

Good that you think I'm not a people pleaser - that means that I am changing this thing which I dislike about myself. Unless I post about every single incident of where I have behaved in a way which demonstrates I am a people pleaser, then I don't think I can really prove it.

OP posts:

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:54

I'll just say I'm ver sorry but I can't remember who it was now. I've moved house since then. I'm crap with names (not a lie). I don't see how this will be 'continuing it' when she's been a cow without any provocation anyway. She doesn't like me, fair enough. The feeling is mutual and I'll just continue being civil as I always have been.

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GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/05/2014 21:00

You have 3 options:

Send her the details
Tell her you no longer have the details
Tell her you have the details but won't share them as you can't stand her

Either 1 or 2 would be fine with no impact on the children. 3 is a bold statement. Only you know if you want to make it...

SumBex · 04/05/2014 21:01

I'm going to go with option 2. Thanks everyone .

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SumBex · 04/05/2014 21:05

On a separate note: a friend (an actual friend who I like ) has just asked if I'm around tomorrow as they need to ask a favour...

Harder to say no when it's someone you like .

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 04/05/2014 21:07

Sorry if you have given the number to other parents in the class then give her the details, otherwise you could create a whole situation.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 21:09

The other parents aren't in the class. They are other friends.

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TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/05/2014 21:17

Ok, don't do the whole "very sorry, crap with names " bit - that's still pleasery "Sorry, I don't have them any more." Is fine.

BigBoobiedBertha · 04/05/2014 21:17

I don't really see how giving the woman the details will help you forget about it. Just don't reply to her text. If you give her the details, rightly or wrongly, you would only stew on it because you didn't want to do it and it will live longer in the memory than simply not bothering with her. She couldn't be bothered to answer your real upset over the way your DD was treated, you don't owe her anything, even without the lies she later told. If she is the kind of person you think she is, I doubt she will give it a second thought. It would never occur to her that she could have upset you and that you are getting your own back. Do yourself a favour and move on without giving her another thought.

It isn't hurting the child either. No child needs an entertainer at their party and if he is that great, I am sure there are plenty of other people she could ask or she could just google it!

JeggingsHateMe · 04/05/2014 21:17

Op you are coming across now as a bit strange, as if trying to convince the virtual world that you are a people pleaser, honest! ;)

You've decided what you are doing, you are going to BVU and petty and be the person she said you were, no need to carry on trying to convince anyone it's the right thing for the right reasons. You knew you were BU and petty given your eon thread title.

I would change my tune completely if you were not using such a non event to 'stand up to her', you're not though, you are instead going to make up some excuse. Lets honest, you just dont want her to have the number and you're weirdly enjoying having this pretend power and you want validation for your bitchiness in this situation.

Unfortunately in the world of school runs, play dates and parties you have to be a great diplomat with thick skin because stuff you say or do sadly does impact on your children's school life amongst their peers, sad but true.

Good luck with it all op.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 21:29

Thanks jeggings, actually I was hoping someone might advise me how to say no to this other person, but I see why you'd think I was trying to prove something.

I haven't actually said here what the lies were so I'm not sure how you can deduce that I'm proving her right . Believe me, despite more people saying IABU (and some other choice deductions), I'm fully conversant with how AIBU works and understand that posters will have a full person in their minds based on one small thread. I wasn't assigning that much importance to this issue when I posted, it was just idle wondering with a view to helping make up my mind. And I've got that so all the better. Maybe ^she6 should have been more diplomatic and been more insightful about us having to rub alongside each other before being a douche. That's her lesson. I'm actually ok about my stance. If I'd not continued to post then people would have carried on in my absence so I've just posted to continue the conversation and answer questions where necessary. I'm aware you will see this as me trying to justify myself .

BBB, that's a really good point actually. I was worried she might bring it up at school if I didn't reply but I'll just say 'oh, I forgot, I don't have the details now and figured you'd probably googled it by now' and leave it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/05/2014 21:40

Well if you want to prove a pont...

"sorry I don't have them to hand"

THat implies you can't be arsed to find them for her

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AlpacaYourThings · 04/05/2014 21:43

I think you know you are being unreasonable, OP.

I understand that you don't want to give her the number because of your history but I agree with Worra it's a bit for her DS.

You could send a message saying that you are surprised that she has asked you for a favour considering her behaviour towards you in the past. Give her the details of the entertainer and make it clear you aren't interested in further contact.

EverythingCounts · 04/05/2014 21:59

OP, I am also a natural people pleaser who is trying to learn not to be and I totally get where you are coming from. I think option 2 is the correct one for you.

TheSlagOfSnacks · 04/05/2014 22:13

She screamed at your DD and spread lies about you after you did her a favour.

And now she wants something from you and expects you to give it to her like she hasn't been trashing you behind your back.

I totally get where you're coming from OP. It's not whether it's just a number or not, it's the principle.

Maybe I'm petty too but I wouldn't give the number either.

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