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AIBU?

I know I'm being petty, but AIBU also to not do this person a favour?

137 replies

SumBex · 04/05/2014 19:15

This concerns a woman whom I met through baby groups several years ago along with several other women. We had a bit of a run in at one point where she basically screamed in my DD's face after she pushed her DS over. I've never really forgiven her for this but remained civil for the sake of the wider friendship circle.

Fast forward a couple of years and our DC are in the same class at school. The friendship circle splintered a little while ago and I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she has said some things about me that aren't true to another ex-friend from the same group. All sounds pretty childish right?

Anyway, she's asked me for the details of a children's entertainer I used for DD'sbirthday party last year, but truthfully, I don't want to do her any favours. Plus we might use him again as DD has asked for the same party.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this is super petty but AIBU to not give her the details? I just don't feel like doing her any favours given our history. If IANBU how do I politely say no to her request?

OP posts:

Report

TheSlagOfSnacks · 04/05/2014 22:16

And to those who are saying her DS will 'miss out' on the entertainer; maybe he wouldn't miss out if his mum wasn't so nasty to people rather than because OP doesn't want to feel taken advantage of.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/05/2014 22:16

tell her (if you want to respect yourself for being a good person this is the path
lie and say you don't know or you can't quite remember (and then be a liar and petty and risk people that matter to you being told that and that it will be true)
tell her that based on your history and how she has treated you that you don't want to help her (probably be called a bitch, but you were honest and upfront)
ignore her text, walk away if she asks in person, shrug your shoulders, be chill.

The last thing I would do is #2. I think that is the ugliest one and makes you a worse person while being mildly irritating to her.

I have an 18 year old and despite going to three different schools he and I are still running into the same kids and parents. We met a bunch of them at a social event for my 13 yr old on friday. One in particular I couldn't stand either the child or mother in primary school but the child has turned into a lovely person who was very happy to see my son and they had a long conversation. You never know what is going to happen in the future and when your paths are going to cross and how it might affect your child.

AlpacaYourThings · 04/05/2014 22:22

TheSlag honestly, think about it. He is a child why should he miss out because his mum has been unpleasant to the OP?

SumBex · 04/05/2014 22:25

Random, that is genius! Possibly a bit too confrontational fir the situation though.

Everything, thank you. Unless you're a people pleaser, it's really hard to explain the agonising that goes into every situation where someone asks something of you. My default answer is always 'yes' and on the few occasions I've said no, I dwell on how much I've let the person down and think that they won't like me any more or even stop being friends. My DM is like this and after a lifetime of people pleasing, can't bear to have friends as she inevitably feels used by them. But I've started to realise that she sets up that expectation. I'm very slowly starting to realise that I need to start saying no to people and that actually they will respect me more. Despite this realisation, actually saying no is still really hard. I really hope you're managing ok with stopping this too.

Snacks, yes! You've totally hit the nail on the head. It is the principle of it. If I do this then I'm basically saying to both of us that what she did is ok. It might be just a number but actually I put some effort into finding him. I'm sure she is just as capable of researching this kind of thing too and finding a good children's entertainer. It's not like she doesn't have internet access .

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 04/05/2014 22:29

Fuck her. She can look it up.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 22:31

I don't consider that he will be missing out though Alpaca just by my not giving the number. It's not like this is the only children's entertainer in our area. I highly doubt he's desperate for this particular one (considering at what short notice she is requesting this), I think the mother thought he'd be good to have so is short cutting any effort on her part and asking me. The guy had his business cards at the party. She should have taken one if he was that good. It was almost a year ago. The more I think about it, the more I think she's just being lazy and not wanting to research herself. I doubt the kid especially wanted this exact entertainer especially considering that there are many others that do his type of entertainment.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 04/05/2014 22:32

given the circumstances, I would ignore, and delete. I would not lie. if she sends another text I would consider whether I would send her the info if I came across it, but probably not go out of my way to give it to her.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 22:33

Thanks Coco . I think we've both posted before on grudge threads, maybe I was using a different NN then though.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/05/2014 22:34

I've always had a lot of time for a good grudge thread.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 22:37

Good advice Susan, I think I will ignore her text and worry about what to say if she actually asks me at school.

I realise it's probably not good of me to lie and say I can't remember who it was but ultimately, I just want to remain civil with her so don't want to stir things up unnecessarily by acknowledging that I don't like her not enough to give her the number though .

OP posts:

SumBex · 04/05/2014 22:40

Line, I totally realise I'm making myself look even worse by saying this, but I've posted a fair few grudge threads on here under various NNs . Surprisingly, I'm not always told iabu though. I like those ones best.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/05/2014 22:42

Is it therapeutic? I'm harbouring grudges from when I was five years old.

Dubjackeen · 04/05/2014 22:43

Fuck her. She can look it up.
**

Totally agree.
I'm sure with a bit of effort she can find it, if she wants it that badly.

AlpacaYourThings · 04/05/2014 22:43

Fair enough, SumBex it's your choice.

I'm very stubbornand if it was any other request I would not respond, however, as its for a child I would give her the details. But I would send a passive aggressive message with the details telling her what I thought of her

SumBex · 04/05/2014 22:48

Liney, only if everyone agrees with you . My DIs is the same. We've both got the mental 'black book'. Once you are in the black book you can never get off. We even rank our grudges. I have some low ranking ones from primary school too .

Alpaca, I might have felt differently if I thought this would impact her DC significantly but I just can't see that being the case here.

OP posts:

Janethegirl · 04/05/2014 22:50

As I said earlier, let her google the info. Op you do not need to give her the contact details. It sounds like you've got good reason for your grudge against her. I know others will think you should be magnanimous re the other mum......life's really too short to care, you take the line that suits you.

SaucyJack · 04/05/2014 23:03

Just ignore the text if you quite reasonably don't want to speak to her. It's the number for a party entertainer, not life-saving cancer treatment. You're under no moral obligation to engage with her.

sykadelic · 04/05/2014 23:03

OP - just do what she did to you, ignore her text (or delete it).

If she can't reply to you about something as important as her verbally attacking your 2y/o, there's no need for you to reply to her text asking about a child's entertaininer.

Some of these responses are just bizarre. You aren't punishing anyone any more than you punish someone by not opening a door. You COULD do it, but you don't have to. She's not harmed by you not finding it. She's perfectly able to look for something herself.

Sorry but no. I wouldn't reply and I'd delete the text from my phone (and because I'm extra petty, block her number).

Cocolepew · 04/05/2014 23:07

See I would think she's doing as sone sort of "dance to my tune you bitch " clicking her fingers to make you do her bidding .
I do admit to overthinking things though

Caitlin17 · 04/05/2014 23:11

I don't understand why you said you might be using him again - what has that got to do with it? You can't book him again because she has? I think you're being very petty. It's really not a big deal and it's a job for the entertainer. For all you know he might need it.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 23:17

Caitlin, I mentioned it because she's really competitive and if we're having the 'same' party (entertainer is themed) then she will get competitive over it which I don't particularly enjoy.

Thanks everyone, this has really put it into perspective for me. As others have said and it's 'only' a number then it's no big deal if I don't google his name to find it for her.

On the other friend: do I want to go and do makeup for a photo shoot? I am not a makeup professional btw. I have my DC tomorrow so will have to find child care. They've said it's fine if I don't. But I will feel bad for saying no .

OP posts:

BigBoobiedBertha · 04/05/2014 23:25

Seriously, the child is not going to suffer because the OP doesn't give his mother a phone number for an entertainer. Either she will pull her finger out and find the number for herself or she simply won't bother and do something else. The child is not going to be irreparably damaged and nor is the OP to blame because his mother is an unpleasant person. Some people need to get a grip and stop trying to make the OP feel bad. It isn't her that caused this situation.

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AlwaysLookOnBrightsideOfLife · 04/05/2014 23:42

First person - ignore text. If they ask again then consider response in regards to how you feel/what you want to say.

Second person - do you want to do it? If yes or even maybe then go for it. If you CBA/don't want to then just say sorry no can do as have the dcs.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 23:49

Always, thank you.

Re the second person, I wouldn't mind doing it but actually I don't think I have the necessary skills anyway. I struggle to put my own makeup on, let alone for a shoot, plus the issue of finding child care, so I think I will decline on that basis.

OP posts:

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 05/05/2014 00:05

her dc would benefit mainly from you doing this favour so yabu.

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