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AIBU?

I know I'm being petty, but AIBU also to not do this person a favour?

137 replies

SumBex · 04/05/2014 19:15

This concerns a woman whom I met through baby groups several years ago along with several other women. We had a bit of a run in at one point where she basically screamed in my DD's face after she pushed her DS over. I've never really forgiven her for this but remained civil for the sake of the wider friendship circle.

Fast forward a couple of years and our DC are in the same class at school. The friendship circle splintered a little while ago and I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she has said some things about me that aren't true to another ex-friend from the same group. All sounds pretty childish right?

Anyway, she's asked me for the details of a children's entertainer I used for DD'sbirthday party last year, but truthfully, I don't want to do her any favours. Plus we might use him again as DD has asked for the same party.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this is super petty but AIBU to not give her the details? I just don't feel like doing her any favours given our history. If IANBU how do I politely say no to her request?

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ilovesooty · 04/05/2014 20:01

As you say, you bear grudges. Sounds petty to me. After all, the child hasn't done you any harm and it's for his party.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:03

I don't know if I do want to escalate anything with her - personally I think she's got a nerve asking anything from me given the history. I wouldn't ask her for anything no matter how much I wanted it. She's probably unaware that I know about the lies thing though so might not fully realise just how much I dislike her.

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CrotchMaven · 04/05/2014 20:06

This is yet another one of those MN situations where someone does something shitty, but no-one says anything. If you have decided not to talk to her about your problems with her, then making the choice to be all passive aggressive is rubbish. And not much better than her in attitude.

The kid will still get an entertainer if you don't give the details, but the entertainer won't get the gig. Is your grudge worth that, if you rated the entertainer?

slartybartfast · 04/05/2014 20:06

perhaps you can rise above it on this occasion op. You know then you have done a good thing, and been a better person.

Janethegirl · 04/05/2014 20:08

I'd just say I couldn't find the details and suggest she googles it and give an approximation of the name. If she's really keen to use him, she'll find the contact details but she'll have to put some effort in.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/05/2014 20:10

"Why are you asking me for a favour when you have been telling people XX about me?"

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:14

Crotch, I am very non confrontational usually and it took me all my courage to send her a message after she screamed at my DD to say that whilst I understood her annoyance with my DD for pushing her DS over, that I did not appreciate the way she handled the situation and I was very upset about it and I told her she wasn't to do that again but I would work on my DD's behaviour, blah blah. I worded the text very very carefully because I didn't want to cause ill feeling. She ignored it.

I felt unable to tell her about the lies thing because it would implicate someone who had told me with the understanding I didn't repeat it. I'm petty and hold a grudge, but I'm also very loyal.

I'm getting better at calling people on their behaviour but I really feel I did my best in this situation. There was something else too but I'd be drip feeding to include it now but that as pretty bad too and could have had serious consequences professionally for my H. This was over a favour he did them actually.

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CrotchMaven · 04/05/2014 20:15

Do you think she'll be chuckling at you being so helpful if you give her the details? Or do you think you're taking some power back by withholding?

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2014 20:16

And yet at no time has her child whose party it is, ever done anything wrong to you...

Sorry but this sounds like a petty power trip to me.

jeee · 04/05/2014 20:17

Look, just send her a very brief text, with name and number of entertainer, and possibly a 'best wishes' at the end.

You can then forget about the issue. How much time have you spent thinking about her this weekend?

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:18

Hmm, good question. I don't think she'll be laughing at me or anything, but I don't think it would make her think any better of me. I think she'll probably just feel pleased that she has the number and won't think about it beyond that. Yes, I guess I do feel like I'm taking back a bit of power from her by not doing her another favour. Like I mentioned, we were stung quite badly the last time we did that and again, it involved false rumours on her part.

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TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/05/2014 20:19

"I would prefer not to do you any favours because I don't consider us friends after you screamed at my DD"

Honestly, OP, I think the least emotionally taxing thing is to send her the name and phone number, no surrounding message, and forget it. Any other option like not remembering it, ignoring her text etc won't close this down. Or you have to text back something that makes it clear you aren't friends and aren't going to help.

booitsme · 04/05/2014 20:19

My sister is 10 years older and her children have left primary school. She gave me excellent advice; "you are not there to make friends, but your children are." She speaks from bitter experience. She became very close to a lady who repeated some very private information that genuinely caused a great deal of heartache to all our family. My sister fell out with her (huge understatement). This made a close friend with both feel very uncomfortable. Whilst she agreed my sister was morally right, in time she remained friends with the other woman who remained silent on the issue and slowly cut my sister off. She resented the awkward situation my sister had created, despite being in the right.

My niece has been excluded from social events the two mums organised and been very hurt by the situation.

Be bright and breezy and remember you are stuck with her for years. The likely result of not giving the entertainers details is your daughter being excluded from the party. Is it worth the small victory?

JeggingsHateMe · 04/05/2014 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

4littleones · 04/05/2014 20:21

I don't think it's exactly even big enough to call it a favour. You are being as childish as she is.

You can't moan about her being childish saying things about you when you are refusing to give her the details of a blooming children's entertainer ffs. The entertainer isn't yours and I am sure she can find it another way if your really that petty.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:22

Maybe you're right Worra.

She sent the text today and I've been out all day with my DC. It was only when we got back that I thought, 'should I send the number? I don't really want to. I know! I'll ask MN' . So I've been thinking about it since I started the thread.

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Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 04/05/2014 20:23

Yes, you should absolutely facilitate the every whim of someone who has told malicious lies about you behind your back .

This woman has tried to bully you. If your own DC were being bullied, would you advise them to give the bully everything they wanted in the hope of gaining a sense of moral superiority over them by 'being a better person?' Of course you wouldn't.

You don't owe her anything.

JeggingsHateMe · 04/05/2014 20:24

Maybe she'll go on to find an even better entertainer and you can hear all about it 3rd hand and how your child missed out on the party of the year!?

Yep that's how childish your stance is coming across, though she just might .

Pick your battles. This isn't one of them.

CrotchMaven · 04/05/2014 20:26

Great advice about the friend thing. Did your mum have friends from meeting people at your school? I know mine didn't. In fact, she barely knew my friends, let alone their parents. And not in a shit way, just in terms of having her own life.

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:28

Oh gosh, I'm not moaning about her being childish in my op, I'm acknowledging how childish this all looks written down.

I don't think I'm trying to teach her a lesson as such, I suppose I feel like I'm taking back a bit of power by not going out of my way to help her. So this is about me, not her.

boo, that situation sounds very familiar because its already happened but with the baby group friends. Luckily I've managed to maintain friendships with the people I wanted to, partly because in time, they saw her for what she is too. Its all very long and boring and this thread probably isn't the place for it.

Unfortunately, for me she has already gone too far. I will be civil with her but I could never trust her to be a friend.

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jeee · 04/05/2014 20:31

But the fact that you've spent so much time thinking about her means she still has power over you.

Just bite the bullet and send the text. And forget about the whole thing.

Enjoy the bank holiday tomorrow.

Bunnytheeggrobat · 04/05/2014 20:33

Give her the number for the local pest controller and imagine the confused conversation.

No seriously just text her the number.

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JeggingsHateMe · 04/05/2014 20:34

Taking back the power by making her do a few clicks on Google?

Yeah that'll 'learn her'

Honestly Op, I don't mean to come across so horrible but you really are being childish. You didn't say anything to this woman when she genuinely upset you, all you are doing now is taking it out on her child. It's so, so silly. You do not hold the cure for cancer, there is NO power, it's a number ;)

SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:34

Coffee, that's exactly how I see it myself. I'm a great big pushover normally and in times past I would have given her the number already and probably offered my assistance with the party .

Jeggings, maybe I'm not as childish as I first feared as I have given your scenario some thought, and honestly, I wouldn't care one jot.

I'm starting to realise that this is about me feeling the need to stop bowing to arseholes and doing things for them when they don't deserve it. Thank you everyone, it was worth posting. I love MN for its ability to make me understand myself more by challenging my thinking.

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SumBex · 04/05/2014 20:38

Jeggings, again, I'm not trying to teach her a lesson - the power I'm talking about is my own. I want to feel ok about saying to myself that I don't have to help people who don't deserve my help. Maybe it is childish, but I have been burned over and over by helping people who don't deserve it. I'm a people pleaser and it is demoralising to feel so 'used' all the time. If indeed it is 'just' a number then she can find it herself.

LOVE that suggestion bunny!

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