To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

I think you should accept; if you feel up to it, you go. If not, DH goes to support his best friend. You may have baby early and be recovered enough to go, which would be lovely.
Agree with those who say it is not a txt discussion!

So many self-obsessed posters; how on earth does a pregnant gest 'upstage' the bride??? Even if said guest goes into labour she will be rapidly dispatched to hospital and bride's day continues.

'Look if your dp felt this way about the groom.... he shouldn't have accepted in the first place'

Exactly.

YABU. Telling them you want to save them the cost of a meal is just rude, and 'popping in' is not attending a wedding and when would you 'pop in' anyway? Halfway through the ceremony? Barge in the middle of the speeches? It would be weird and distracting.

I went through hell and high water to get to my brother's wedding three hours away at 39+2. My default answer was always 'yes of course I'm going to be at your wedding, if at all possible'. Your position of 'no, not at all, because it might not be possible, but hey you'll save the cost of dinner' is just a bit of an 'I don't really want to be at your wedding and can't be arsed to make any effort, but it's because I'm soooo considerate about your finances aren't I great for saying no'

I think that if you and your partner don't feel able to go, that's that. It is your pregnancy, your baby, and entirely up to you to manage. You don't have to explain or justify. A sensitively worded apology is more than sufficient and it is up to the B and G to cope with their disappointment.

No amount of "oh pregnancy is no big deal you should still go" refrains from others makes one jot of dofference. They are not you.

Biscuit I believe he accepted before the OP knew she was expecting.

YANBU to decline on your behalf but I do think YABU to blanket ban on your DP going. People up thread have said they won't be happy if your DP has to rush off if you did go into labour but they've arranged a stand-in best man, so I think they have understood this!

I should add that DP loves G dearly, the selfish arse comment was just a bit of flippery.

You won't give birth on your due date, not many people do, so you should go and let DP be best man.

My best friend was my bridesmaid on her due date (had a chair waiting for her at the end if the aisle). I went to another best friends wedding 2 days before a scheduled c-section which was a 2 hour drive away. I just took my maternity notes and my consultant wrote on them and my computer notes that if I went into labour I was to be given a section ASAP by the nearest hospital.

I think you're being a bit precious if you've had a healthy pregnancy. Oh, I was playing pool in a bar with backache the night before my waters broke with my first pregnancy. I wanted to stay home but DH persuaded me to go on his lads night out (he's a non drinker) as he didn't want me to be alone if I went into labour. Apparently the agonising backache which I didn't mention was labour pains.

I cannot believe some of the replies you have had on here op!

neither of you are under, or should feel under, any obligation.

you have tried to be clear with them from the start.

They have chosen not to 'hear' you and now have the hump.
they need to get over themselves, seriously.

yes this is their big day, but this time is yours and you do not need the stress of wondering what if.. or trying to come up with different plans depenring on whst hsppens with you around that time.

I too like you had a mc last year and am now amazingly due in June. This is also the weekend of my brothers wedding. I have been clear from the start that we would not be going and will be sad to mis it.

they have generslly been ok, though my brothet did say a few wreks ago "you never know, it might come a few days early theb you could come".

Cause thats how I want to spend the first few days with our precious new one.....

if I were you I would not contact them, they need to get over themselves and then appologise to you.
they dont need to 'understand' how you both feel, but they need to respect it.

I can see both sides. All they can think about is their wedding (obviously) and all you can think about is your baby (also obviously). I would be inclined to go along the 'we'll come if we can' route as you could easily be sitting at home feeling absolutely fine on the wedding day!

We went to a wedding 40 mins away two days before DD was born. It was fine, plans were in place if I went into labour and we left around 8pm because I was knackered. But it was fine and all was well. I'm certain that if you went into labour they wouldn't expect either of you to be there but it's a shame that you're risking a possibly permanent falling out because of something that may turn out to be fine.

The thing is op, no one is saying that you must both go at all costs, but just that there is a real possibility that either your dp or both of you might well be able to go.

If it was 'just' a wedding that's one thing, but your dp was asked to be best man, therefore the groom considers him an extremely close friend. Is that not how your dp sees the groom?

This is another example of where Mumsnet gives you access to completely different viewpoints.

If our BM had asked to withdraw because his wife was due on the wedding day (especially give previous mc) we would have completely understood, and picked someone else.

If my best friend had said, I don't think I'll make it because I'm due that day, I would have completely understood.

If my sister had said I don't think I'll make it because I'm due that day, I would have completely understood.

Seriously, baby trumps wedding. No harm, no foul.

We genuinely wouldn't have been hurt, wouldn't have though the OP was being precious, wouldn't in fact have given it another though other than to look for a cool baby present on honeymoon.

And to a pp, yes even best friends deserve a polite decline - which the OP & her DH did go in person.

It's all full of "what ifs" though. Accept, let them bear the costs - their choice - and then see what happens. They want you there, you all need to be flexible. You sound a bit princessy. 45 minutes drive is nothing. If DP has to drive back to get you it would be plenty if time. Or you could go and you could bring your bag and notes with you just in case.

If you've had the baby then you'll manage for part of a day on your own.

YANBU.

They are being really childish and blinkered.

Focus on your pregnancy and staying relaxed for the birth. You will need your partner's support.

You've been more than clear with them!

Childbirth is a huge event and women deserve support.

Saying that your partner should bugger off and leave you with your newborn is ridiculous. Totally skewed priorities.

You might be in a state of recovery which requires he stays. Or you might have an easy birth but a need for him to be close regardless.

Childbirth trumps weddings.

The OP is being rude/inconsiderate/a bad friend?! It wasn't all done by text as far as I understood? The op and her DH are being as flexible as they think they can be. Good for you lot that felt marvellous at 40 weeks and had a baby that was chilled. A first baby is an overwhelming time. The op doesn't know how she will feel, whether the baby will be here or not and neither does her DH. They are making plans based on what is right for them and if their friends want to end the friendship based on this, then so be it. The G is not, IMO, being particularly respectful.

As foodylicious said, some of the responses are weird - 'let your DH be best man' - really?

You are having a baby: they are getting married.

Neither event is more or less important than the other and each couple should spend the time as they choose.

A simple, no, we won't make it, should suffice. They should understand that you have made that choice. You need feel no obligation to go, keep them happy, be accommodating in any way at all. Just as they should not change their wedding date, move the venue, arrange things to fit your circumstances - it having been bad timing on their part to choose your due date for a wedding, clairvoyance being a given, obviously

Forget them for now. Nest like a crazy lady and enjoy the bump as it grows. If they are good friends you will all make it up once the 2 life changing events are all done and dusted. If not, hey ho!

Foody you've hit the nail on head with exactly how I feel. This is already stressing me out so I can only imagine what I'll be like at the time!

Last summer my oldest friend got married. Wedding was very close to my due date around 2 weeks after due date.

She wanted my dd aged 3 to be a flower girl, I declined saying I will either of just had a baby or be 2 weeks overdue ( I went +14 with dd) she sort of took the hump and I didn't have the heart to tell her I wanted to decline the wedding invite also.

I ended up attending 1 week after giving birth. Baby stayed with my parents for the day. I looked dreadful I actually ruin the photos you can tell I was a week postnatal.

I feel so sorry for her and the photos. I deliberately stood on the end of group shots so she could crop them ( I know she did this and I don't blame her).

She rarely speaks to me know, it was a rather blingy affair all the female guests had spent a lot of time preening abd then there was me ... My roots needed done my pixie crop was grown out and a mess and I looked frumpy in my dress- dd was starving after going until 4 without food.

I cringe thinking about it.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go

You have done the thing I hate, rather than saying no it is just to close for us to the due date, which is your choice. You instead gave reasons, which the groom then sees as discussion and he offers options. The reality is he is wasting his time as the reasons do not change the fact you both do not want to go. Tell the groom the truth as the one thing he can not do is change the way you both feel, but the talk of suits, meals etc makes the groom look like an idiot who can't do right from wrong.

Say you'll go it will be fun either way. A new baby is always v popular at weddings (close friends of mine have brough babies less than 7 days old to wedding's I have been to) I was heavily pregnant at 2 weddings. It's no distance come home after the service if you have had enough and let OH stay and enjoy himself (sober obvs)

I feel for you op. You have done your very best to be considerate and thoughtful about this. It's not your fault that the wedding and the due date are one and the same! You are trying to.avoid letting your friends down at the last minute. I think they are being really unreasonable not to understand your point of veiw.

I think my next move would be to say to them that your dh will go unless you are in labour but you may not go.....are they willing to accept that level of uncertainty? Personally I felt like a hippo in a boobtube by my due date but I was also very bored so wpuld probably have enjoyed a wedding. Totally appreciate that you might feel differently. Congratulations on your pregnancy anyway!!! Xxxx

Just told DP what some people have said about him not caring for G as much as G cares for him. He says that's not the case, it's just that me and the baby come first. Fair point.

Of course you and your baby come first but he's not having to choose between you. You can easily do both.

What a pair of drama queens. I'm just wondering if you don't really want to go and don't want him to either.....