To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

Not really a case of you and the baby come first. As a pp said, you may just spend the day watching tv bored to death.

You have no idea how you will feel. Why do you think you will not be up to it.

To be honest I'd rather not have the stress of either taking my pfb newborn to a wedding when I could be at home having snuggles, and don't relish the idea of dressing up and hauling myself there if overdue. And DP feels the same. He can think for himself some people on here are insinuating I've banned him from going!
I may feel differently when the time comes, or I may not. Hence the uncertainty and not wanting to commit now, at potential cost to the couple.

Yes I know he accepted before she was pregnant. I'm sure men have accepted the role of best man and then been knocked over by a bus. Circumstances change I understand that. But you don't just say 'no' - 'I'm saying no to save you money', 'I'm saying no because we have a baby', 'I'm saying no because we haven't got a baby but the wife might go into labour', 'I'm saying no because she pregnant'. Etc... It's 45 minutes away.

You say 'we will do our best but it might just be dh on his own', 'dh will come for as much of it as he can'. You definitely do not 'pop in' to someone's wedding if you 'feel' up to it. You're pregnant, I get it, I've been pregnant myself, but your dh isn't. This isn't an overseas wedding. He's accepted to play an important role in someone's very important day, he should do his absolute best to be there.

Anyway that's all I have to say.

I think the key is flexibility. So that you can do whatever you feel like at the time. Which is what you seem to be saying.

Definitely agree with stepping down from BB duties from the start.

When you are near a due date or actually have a baby in your life, in those first few days you surely, do not want to be have to give mental space to someone else's wedding. Which is a huge thing too.

I would try and ring the Groom.

You know what? I wouldn't want to go either, I really wouldn't but I think your DH should go. He committed to being best man, this is his good friend. I think you're probably quite relieved he doesn't want to go and not nudging him to do the right thing. I would be really hurt if I was G.

That's fine, but I am with thomyorke. You have over explained this with 'reasons' that seem to the couple to be easy to resolve.

Also, would recommend your DH thinks carefully about how he would feel if he misses it and the baby isn't born for another fortnight. If he would still rather be home, fine. But he'll be going to work and generally living as normal if you go over, so it is something to think about.

Tricky one, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I appreciate what you say re:wanting to save them money, but that is their decision, knowing the risk. It is very possible you will go overdue. My first was induced and 17 days over. I would have been upset to miss my best friend's wedding, even though I was wheelchair-bound with SPD. It is beginning to sound more like you just don't want to go, which isn't really what you said to begin with. Why not accept and decide last-minute, which they seem to generously accept as a possibility. They clearly value you very much as friends, which is lovely.

I thought that too let your DH go was one that stood out. Others that said he could go and rush back - like he wouldn't want to be with you for as much of the time as possible, checking in at the last minute would be fine!

Yes, you could end up watching day time telly. Cuddled up with a newborn, or in a hospital ward. So what! You are having a baby

I'd leave the thread now, if I were you. You know you aren't BU, but the continued debate seems to be annoying you, now!

Bye

Wedding zilla vs pregnant with pfb

It sounds like the groom believes the friendship is stronger than your DH who doesnt seem to care a jot. Its 45 minutes away, he could go, do his duties and leave if anything happens (extremely unlikely).

Unless you have serious complications, then theres no reason you cant actually go. Never entered my head to stop attending things or seeing my friends as I was pregnant. There are usually two kinds of pregnant women thugh, those that just get on with life as usual and those that believe they cease to be able to do anything and need to be the centre of the universe for the nine months.

YANBU, the only alternative you could have realistically given them was to play it by ear and see how you feel at the time and then if you both were unable to attend they'd be rushing around looking for a new best man and given their behaviour now, would probably hold that against you.

AliceIn wow, she showed her true colours there! A real friend would have been happy you were there to share her day.

I think YABU too. Still pregnant- DP goes at least, you stay home if you don't want to (might be a nice distraction though). Baby here- DP goes for a short while only alone. Sorted :)
(Obviously if in labour/hospital B+G should understand you won't be there)

missknows summed it up perfectly :)

happymummy. The Op doesn't sound at all like she wants to be the centre of the universe. If she did, she'd be asking the B&G to reschedule!

Anyway, how on earth would she know if she'll have complications or not? It's impossible to predict what'll happen in advance.

"Personally I think Yabvu!!!"

How is she being unreasonable. They don't have a crystal ball, they don't know what is going to happen. The baby might be born on the day of the wedding. If the OP's husband had to cancel at the last minute that is being unreasonable.

When I had DD I was kept in hospital for 5 days because she wouldn't feed. What if the OP ends up with a section? She won't want to be going to a wedding then.

I also assume that those of you who went to weddings/occasions with babies that were a few days old had either managed to successfully breastfeed straight away or just FF their baby.

Our nephew got married when DD was a week old, but I was really struggling with breastfeeding and the wedding was three hours away. So we couldn't even contemplate the journey let alone the wedding.

Actually I'm quite shocked anyone thinks that anyone should have to prove anything in this scenario.

Your dh has clearly explained your position as a couple and the b&g have completely ignored it and are now taking the hump.

Other peoples experiences have no bearing on whether or not you have made the right decisions, your making choices that are right for you.

The fact the g isn't letting it drop or respecting where you're coming from (doesn't have to agree or understand, but just respect it) smacks of issuing ultimatums and emotional blackmail. 'If you were a real friend you'd move heaven and earth to do what I want'.

Bollocks, a real friend doesn't back you into a corner your unhappy being in.

Perhaps if they'd respected your position when you first told them the flexibility of your attendance wouldn't have turned into a massive drama and you'd all be keeping your fingers crossed that you'd both be there for some of the day without this pressure of 'proving' anything and having to constantly defend your position.

Your DH says he cares for the groom but that you and the baby come first. However the baby will probably not be born by that point and you will probably be perfectly capable of being at home alone as most of us are at that stage as our partners go to work.

So your DH is saying that he cares for the groom, but his actions are speaking loudly that he isn't willing to make any effort to attend. And that must hurt.

I can understand you not wanting to go... but I can understand them being upset.
You are not being unreasonable to decline, but I think you need to be honest and say you are not comfortable committing to it when you don't know how you will feel at the time. Giving excuses about not wanting them to waste their money just makes them think they can be flexible to ensure you can come. Which I actually think is lovely of them, they are not being bride/groom-zillas.
Given your DH must be a very close friend of the groom (as he is best man) it would be unreasonable if you didn't have an honest conversation with them about how you feel. If they fell out with you after that, then that it is definitely their problem.

haven't read every page but...the OP's husband told the groom many times that he needed to step down as best man. The groom doesn't want to hear and isn't listening. (he's probably a manager in some office, they behave like that)

tough, really. The best man cannot commit to this central role and so has stepped down. The wife may be in labour as the vows are being said.

He (and she) may be able to attend as 'ordinary' guests but that's all. Where is the issue?

a wedding is only a party. It's not that important.

people need to grow up and learn that they may sometimes get told things they don't like.

I think that if it is really guilt over them wasting money on a meal then you could easily offer to pay for your own meals and you take the risk, money wise, of not being there.

They probably don't have the hump so much as a wedding to organise and other people being difficult as well. Perhaps they just need a break from talking about it or are upset at having received lots of declined invites. I doubt it is all about you.

Stupid, stubborn reason to lose a friendship. No compromise on your side and badly handled by text. I think YABU

YANBU to be leery about going but by saying 'don't put us down food' it sounds like your mind is already made up. If they want to put out food in the hope you would come then it's their money to do that. A better response would have been 'are you sure? I'd just feel bad if we couldn't make it' as opposed to 'no don't set out plates, we'll try to pop by.' The latter makes their wedding sound unimportant and like you're popping in for a cup of tea to someone's house!

While their wedding is obviously not as important to you, if your DH really did like the groom as much as he says then he wouldn't be cancelling the whole wedding. He'd be backing out of being groom, or accepting a backup but he'd be saying he would try to attend.

I have friends due at my wedding, I know they may not be able to make it and I've told them not to even try if they feel unwell or not up for it. I'd rather waste money putting out two places then miss the chance of having my friends there if they can make it. If they insisted on me not bothering that would say to me loud and clear that they'd already decided what to do. And I'd rather they be honest and say 'i love you but my priority is my wife and child, I don't want to attend the wedding'. It's a rejection whatever way you look at it but at least it's honest.

I think it's great you wanted to save them stress but it was their stress and their choice and by arguring against it, well it comes across as your DH actually not wanting to do it anyway and just looking for an excuse. Especially if you said you would try to pop by, that sounds like you really class them as the lowest priority and aren't bothered.

Your DH needs to actually speak to the groom, go out for coffee and talk about this. In you attempt to be reasonable to them you look inflexible and not bothered. In their attempt to show how valued you are as friends they come across pushy and demanding. Texting is shit, don't do it. DH and groom need to go out, clear the air and sort this out. IT's not good for any of you to be stressed right now.

Tbh, I think DH should step down from best man or accept the back up (f groom still wants him now). Groom should accept that DH has other priorities may not go to the stag do (you mentioned tight money now?) and may not be able to be as involved as another friend could. If they want to put out plates, let them. If you cn't go on the day or don't want to then send DH and get him to drive.

You really can 'play by ear' if you are very close to the bride and groom because they really want you there. So long as they accept that, reasonability ensures.

But DH and groom need to talk together in person and stop getting humpy and sulky with each other.

Not read whole thread, but it sounds like they really want you there and would prefer to potentially waste money on meals and suit hire than you not to go. They might be able to come to an arrangement with the suit hire people anyway if they explain it might not be needed. I was invited to a wedding 6 days before my due date. I was huge but i had a nice time. I'd explained i might not be able to make it. Just took my hospital bag with me. Ended up giving birth a week late. If you were in labour he couldn't go, but might be able to for a bit once you'd had the baby.

Because they are making a big deal out of something that really isn't!!! The b&g have said leave any decision to nearer the time which is both sensible and gracious of them.

I can see where you're coming from but I can also see it from the bride and groom's perspective. I have been invited to a wedding very close to my due date. I didn't tell the bride how close it is and have told her that I will be there if I can (it is slightly before date and my first so fingers crossed it will be fine).

If my husband was best man I know that we would do our very best to go (but try and make sure there was a back up best man) because he would want to share his good friend's day- but labour/ brand new baby would trump that. In my eyes, heavily pregnant wife sitting at home waiting for baby does not trump that.

I think Missknows has it perfectly. Anything else is over-thinking the problem.