To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

Sounds like your dp doesn't want to be best man or attend anyway.

Ds1 was due on the day of a friends wedding, and dh was best man. Wedding was about 3 hrs away. Dh left very early in morning and came home late at night. My dd had been born on her due date, several years before.

Ds1 was a week late.

What happened to the Mumsnet mantra of 'politely decline' and 'you don't have to accept an invitation'.

The OP and DH have politely declined, with good reason and in plenty of time. She's said that herDH will pop in to service/evening reception if possible but doesn't want to unfairly take on the responsibility if being BM if he most likely won't be able to fulfil it.

How on earth people can read that and come up with 'YABU' is beyond me!

I'm in the YANBU camp.

I think they are being very zillaish too.

I loved it when someone said - jokingly - if you go into labour during the speech keep your legs crossed!
I've been to weddings whilst up the duff, not very pleasant at all. Some folk thought I was trying to upstage the bride and groom, waving my fertility in their faces. Whatever.

Congratulations with your pregnancy, I hope it all goes swimmingly for you - just not at the wedding.

Yanbu.
I think this is your first? You have no idea how you will feel and no amount of people telling you "you'll probably be fine" is going to change your worries about going into labour/birth.
Yes, it could be fine, you could be a week or two away from having your baby, and yes, you could have a chilled newborn, yes, you might appreciate a change of scene. But it might not be that way.
I think you have been perfectly reasonable and tried to give yourself one less thing to worry about/plan for.

I'd agree that a more direct approach (a call or a letter) to once and for all explain what you think you can do and then leave it.

Op - it sounds like your dh just doesn't want to be best man.

Oh well. His choice. But I can certainly understand why his mate is upset with you/him.

Your dp could go - if it's your first you'll quite possibly go over anyway. I can understand not wanting to schlep off to a wedding at 40 weeks pregnant but it's close enough for your dp to get home quickly if needed.

My friend was due on our wedding day (5 hours away). She replied to say yes but had to back out as she was taken into hospital the day before. Another friend had some friends visiting from japan so we invited them along instead :)

I'm as baffled as you Daffodils.

The ops DH has prioritised the birth over the wedding . Of course the baby could be late but he doesn't want to go to the weddng/do best man duties. So he declined . The groom should accept this, instead of acting like a petulant child.

It's not point saying how you felt when you were pregnant, everyone is different .

We had this situation. Well DP wasn't best man but close friends were getting married 5 days before my due date. We asked the lovely B and G if we could let them know last minute and they were fine with this. In the end we pulled out the day before as it was a four hour journey by train and trains were making me nauseous for some reason! Best decision we ever made as I went into labour that evening and DD was born at the exact time the B and G were saying their vows the next day! Her artival was announced in the speeches :-). I think with a 45 minute journey you should definitely plan to go as long as they don't mind last minute non show. I know they are not being as reasonable as our lovely friends but weddings make people a bit mental and it would be a shame to miss it and then go 10 days overdue!

It's not unreasonable to decline but you badly mishandled telling them by the sounds of things. As soon as you realised there should have been a full and frank explanation, not by text, that left them clear on your intentions.

My thoughts exactly bowlersarm.

You obviously don't value their friendship as much as they value yours.

I was 10 days late with my first and would have loved the distraction of a wedding.

One of my friends was due 3 weeks before my wedding- she intended to bring the baby even though she lived 3 hours away ( yes it was her first!)

In the end she phoned me the week of our wedding to say she had totally underestimated it and could not come. Of course I was sad not to see her but it caused no angst whatsoever. So we had paid for two meals that were not eaten. Not a big deal

YABU. The Groom is trying to be very accommodating because he clearly wants you and your Dh to be there and for your Dh to be best man. He is trying to tell you that he doesn't mind the extra cost for two meals and a suit that might not be eaten, and is also prepared to organise another best man in a hurry if your Dh can't be there.

But no, you are not going and THAT IS THAT.

It is you and your DH who aren't listening to the very reasonable offer of the groom, and you are both likely to lose them as friends over it. You're crazy.

5 days after my due date with my first I was still bored out of my mind and shopping in John Lewis for something to do. Just say you'll go for gods sake. The groom is aware you may not make if and is making allowances. It is not up to you to dictate how they spend their money when they so clearly care very much about you.

We took DD to a wedding when she was 3 days old, it was fine, I just bought a dress that worked with a huge bump or a needing to be hidden immediately post partum belly. It's sad you feel you can't go but I think it's a shame your DH has to miss out entirely unless you are in labour.

We did think about it and the solutions, but honestly thought we were doing the right thing by declining.

It is dp's choice by the way, I have never told him he can't go.

I don't go with the MN mantra of "politely decline", I do my best to go to weddings unless is is absolutely impossible.

The groom clearly regards your DH as his best friend, it is more important to him to have your DH there than pretty well anyone else. He has accepted that there might be last minute changes of plan, he has bent over backwards and made it clear he doesn't mind paying for meals and suits that may not be used, arranged a stand in best man and yet you are not even willing to say that you might attend if circumstances allow? I agree that they think far more of you than you of them.

I think the B&G must be really hurt. All this 'we are trying to save them money' crap...if they wanted to save the money they'd have accepted your offer. As it is you've forced the issue so the inevitable conclusion is you didn't want to go rather than it's about the B& G finances.

It sounds like they value you more than you value them...so they will be hurt.

A wedding a few days before or after a birth is not impossible. If you've given the couple the opportunity to accept a genuinely meant offer of pulling out and they don't want to you have to come clean and say I don't want to come.... Then examine why you don't want to go!

People work right up to the baby being born. 45mins away by car is perfectly doable (many people where I live do that just to get to the GP) So you are either over anxious (understandable) or have made a decision to hibernate for the last weeks of your pregnancy. I find that last stance inexplicable but if you'd told me this and I was the bride I'd feel less hurt

Your DP needs to sort this out with the groom

You need to stop waffling on about money (especially to them) because they are adults and can spend what they like on their own wedding.

They are perhaps thinking that DH can attend - if you run very early for example - and want him to be part of the wedding party (visually, at least).

Unless you are in labour or very newly delivered, then DH may well be able to go. You say he doesn't want to, but does he have form for telling people what they want to hear? That would account for you and his BF having opposing views in the current agreement.

If there is a way to leave this flexible, then I'd go for that.

Is it genuinely because uou don't want them to waste mo ey (which they obviously don't care about) or because secretly you boyh don't actually want to go?

Put yourself in Gs shoes... if it was your best friend how would you feel about a blanket refusal to go to one of the most important days of your life?

My post sounds like I think you're daft for not wanting to go...I don't. I think your lack of responsibility for the decision has caused the issue.

Just say I'm sorry I can't face it. It's my first, I'm scared, whatever.... But don't pretend you are doing it for them, to save them money

I am surprised at the response on here too. I'm sure on another day you would have only got YANBU's

I was up and about before and after my births. I went to the supermarket with a 2 day, I took my driving test (overseas) on the day I was due to give birth I passed and had the baby the next day and I went to a party an hour away with a 5 day old.......However, l don't think I would have wanted to plan a wedding where the bride and groom will have had to pay for my meal and I would have to hang around for hours. I wouldn't like feeling that I had to go. I was surprised at how well I felt. It's only luck though isn't it? You can't plan to feel well. It's not about having the right attitude it's about actually whether or not you and the baby are physically or mentally up to it.

Funnily enough I felt worse at other stages of my pregnancy, I had horrible morning afternoon, evening and nighttime sickness with one pregnancy and that hip thing that lots of people get. that bloody hurt

Hopefully, you can just talk to them and clear the air. YANBU in the least but maybe you could be a bit more flexible as others have suggested.

Maybe you DH could offer to try and do the best mans speech. ??? I also agree that you need to all stop with the texting. Texts often come across wrongly.

The G is being a precious twit though.

Congrats on the pregnancy, I hope you don't let this worry you.

And as for the "politely decline" post up thread I'd like to think two best friends are on more than polite terms.

Look if your dh felt this way about the groom perhaps he shouldn't have accepted the role of best man in the first place. You said you thought you were doing them a favour and saving them money be changing your mind as a result of your pregnancy, have you stopped to consider they may really want you there, value your friendship, love you and don't give a toss about the money. You are saying 'no' full stop. No questions. You accepted and now you're saying 'no'. I still think you're being unreasonable. But it's your life you must do what you like. They're obviously good friend because men don't normally get just anyone to be their best man. If you're happy to lose that friendship fine.

YANBU, and I speak as someone who got married a year ago and has just had my first baby (4 wks early - not all babies go over!) As well as this we had to miss the wedding of very close friends due to pregnancy complications a few weeks before I have birth. We have them a weeks notice so they didn't pay for two uneaten meals ( we had people cancel on us for our wedding the day before and it see rely pissed me off as I had just confirmed numbers and paid for all the food and booze, at 80 quid a head! I did not want to do the same to our friends).

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I felt like shit, looked like shit, and would not wanted to have waddled to a wedding. Others are different but you know how you are likely to feel so go with your gut. With a two wk old baby I feel the same, knackered! Real friends would understand and get over themselves. Weddings are wonderful, amazing things but babies are a whole new ball game and much more important. If they don't understand now they will when the bride gets pregnant/has babies.

Try your best to clear the air. I hope they come round. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy OP x