To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

We have been invited to a wedding 3hrs drive from us, 3 days after my due date. I've already said to dh that whatever happens I won't go - either I'll be overdue or have a newborn, but he will still go I think, and just not drink (I hope!) I will get my mum to come and stay with me anyway!

45m away is nothing, I think your dp should definitely go, but the groom will just have to accept that if you go in to labour (assuming you've not had the baby by then) then your dp will have to leave. Equally if you literally give birth the morning of the wedding or something then clearly your dp wouldn't be able to go, but you've already mentioned that the groom said he'd get a stand in best man so he obviously appreciates that.

If you don't feel comfortable going then don't,but the groom must be a very close friend of dp's and it would be a shame for him not to go and for them to fall out about it.

Stop groveling to the groom for a start. You've already explained the situation and given then plenty of notice.

The groom tried to ignore your dh and then made that awful remark about bad timing! Very, very bad form especially given that you've had a miscarriage.

He is being a total Groomzilla. A new human life trumps a wedding. If Groomzilla can't/won't accept that what can you do.

It is BEAR with me- why do so many people struggle with that one?

If I were B and G tbh I think I'd be quite hurt by the fact that you won't even consider it. I was due a baby on 15th October and went to my mums 60th birthday bash when DD was 3 days old in the 18th,granted that was a different event but I still made an effort. They obviously don't care about the potential waste of money if you're in labour I think all your DHs mate wants is for him to be there, and chances are you will be overdue anyway so your DH could probably still go even if you don't feel up to it.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy!
You and DH sound like lovely, considerate people who have done everything to let this guy know your baby comes first in planning and don't want to let him down with a last minute cancellation.
I don't see what else you could have done in the situation, but he doesn't want to hear what you are saying because he thinks his wedding trumps everything else. Hopefully he'll be able to put things into perspective when his wife is pregnant, but at the moment he sounds rather obsessed with the wedding and isn't thinking clearly.
Glad you and DH are united on this.

I don't think YABU for feeling the way you do, but if the baby is born, then you could do without DP for a day. If the baby isn't born, or you need DP to be there then they can use the backup.

They should listen to your wishes though.

Of course you're not BU. It's your due date ffs. People on here usually freak out if someobe posts that there DH is planning a night out in the weeks leading up to birth

You told them face to face, they are refusing to listen . Send back a regret card and leave them to it .

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Talk to them. On the phone. Tell them you thought you were thinking of them and not wanting to waste their money in case you couldn't go but it's their big day and you'll go along with whatever they'd prefer.

If they say they want to go on the assumption that you'll feel up to going then say "lovely! As long as you're sure you won't mind if I'm too exhausted, either by late pregnancy or with a newborn? If I feel up to it it'll be great, I'm just not sure what to expect."

Then the balls in their court.

If you go over your due date you may well be desperate for something fun to take your mind off things!!

I actually thought that I would have more agreement than this (thanks to those who do agree with me!) I obviously don't post on aibu very often!

I do see the point of those who say iabu, and believe me, we would love to go if we could. Accepting on the caveat we may not make it would be the ideal. But I actually thought we'd be doing them a favour by declining so they didn't pay for meals and a suit.

I am definitely going to get DP to call G today.

I'm fairly surprised that posters are saying you could go if you hadn't had the baby or that your husband could go attend a wedding if the baby was very newly arrived?

Most people I know are not up to galavanting about right before their due date. I cannot imagine anything worse when very heavily pregnant than having to put on a nice dress (which you'd no doubt have to buy specially) and sit on hard church pews and uncomfortable reception chairs.

It would rather steal thunder from the bride if everyone was looking at you because either your waters might break at any moment or you have a newborn with you.

You are also quite right that if you have a newborn neither you nor your husband are going to want him to go off for the day when you might just be newly out if hospital.

Obviously they are good friends and would like you there and that's lovely but they do need to grow up about this a bit. I think you are quite right.

But surely in most scenarios your dp could go (at least for a little bit) even if you don't?

Oh and all our friends will be at the wedding and my family live a plane ride away so if DP goes I will be literally all by myself (with the exception of mil but the doesn't bare (bear?) thinking about!)

I think it's up to the b and g if they want to pay for your meal on the understanding you may not make it. One of my friends was due a couple of days before our wedding and that's what we did, I wanted her there if at all possible so was very happy to pay but understood she may not make it. In the grand scheme of wedding costs, 2 extra meals are not a big deal. Of course you've got the best man complication but it sounds like the groom has been very accommodating about that. My friend made it to ours, still pregnant, and danced the night away! And then went into labour later that night.

And I think by getting a stand in best man they ARE accepting you might not be able to be there, and are therefore just hurt at the blanket no?

I'd be pretty hurt if I were them tbh. They've made it very clear that they don't mind making back up plans in case you can't make it and that they'd just like you to be there if you can make it. You on the other hand are insisting you won't go whether it seems practical at the time or not.
Can you imagine how your dh will feel also if on the wedding day you guys are sitting there, no baby, twiddling your thumbs and he's lost a long standing friendship over refusing to go to his best friends wedding for no actual reason?
Why on earth wouldn't you say 'we will both come if we can, dh will come alone if I'm not up to it and don't need him with him, but if baby is born by then and we both need to be hands on then we won't make it in that situation'
That's all the groom is asking, surely?

We have said DP could pop in for a bit if possible.

So is it out of the question for your Dh to just do the 'dutiful' stuff and just tell them you are not going?

I can certainly see your point but also theirs if its his best friend.

Yanbu.

All you're trying to do is make sure that their wedding isn't impacted by you.

I can see what people are saying about attending - best possible circumstances and both or your dh can and will make the effort, that's what you've said. But it's their money and time you don't want to waste by agreeing to pivotal roles and definitely being around for their dry chicken dinner just in case.

They're been knobs. The correct response is to be dissapointed that your dh can't be best man, to hope they do see you on the day and to be excited for you. People who aren't self obsessed would be looking at dates a month or so after so you can all meet up with the baby and have a little joint celebration for both.

I don't necessarily think you ABU but I think the fact that the Groom hasn't really accepted that your DH won't be his best man shows how much he wants him to do it. Perhaps in his head when he thought about getting married he always had your dh as best man, a bit like how many brides always have their heart set on certain things. Yes they have to accept that the due date of a baby trumps this but maybe he is just very upset because this was so important to him. Yes he is an adult blah blah but I'm sure we've all been in situations where something we want to happen can't and we find that hard to accept. I kind of feel a bit sorry for him as well as pleased for you at your happy news.

I also think until you have had a baby you have no concept of what that actually means in practical terms. I got married about 6 weeks after my cousin had her dd. She was my bridesmaid and did at one point suggest maybe she shouldn't be but we have always been like sisters and I wanted her to do it do much I said no you have to be it will be fine. It wasn't until I had my own ds that I realised how I would have hated to be a bridesmaid six weeks after giving birth.

I totally understand why you wouldn't make it, but TBH I don't understand why your DH couldn't give the couple some options.

If you are still pregnant, he could go, even if not for the full day. Surely he will be going to work, etc anyway. It's not like he will be with you 24/7. If the couple were happy, he could have a 'deputy' who stepped in at the last minute if necessary, or maybe did the speech if you felt you needed him back. Honestly, unless you are unwell, being overdue is really just sitting around and waiting. It doesn't need constant supervision. And you are very unlikely to get less than an hour's warning of delivery for your first.

If the baby has arrived, I can see you'd be more likely to both need to cancel, depending on how you are feeling. However if, for example, you are still in hospital, the service might well fall in the window when you aren't allowed visitors at lunchtime anyway (check your local hospital for their rules).

Obviously, if they prefer not to have uncertainty, they may want to just change the best man now, but it sounds like they really don't want to do that.

I think you are being a bit blanket dismissive about things. Yes, the bride and groom seem to have no understanding about late pregnancy, but I think you may be over thinking how difficult it will be for your husband to be close by for short periods.

I don't think they're been accepting/accommodating. I think they're refusing to accept what they've been told and are been pushy. Now sulking because they're not getting their own way.

I personally think you are being very unreasonable. You can't predict when the baby will be born or what will happen so I think you need to be a bit more flexible, it's only 1 day at the end of the day. Are you going to stop your husband going to work in case you might go into labour?!

For me actually I think YABU. It's very nice you wanting to save them money and all that but they are happy to take the risk and moreover are being flexible so your DH can still play a part in being best man.

First babies are often late; I think if you accepted and just warned them that you would not come if circumstances conspired against you, then that would be reasonable.

I think the 'bad timing' comments were ill-judged but not awful; they were probably just trying to passively convey their disappointment. If you haven't had one I don't think you fully appreciate the trauma a MMC can cause and so can be guilty of things like that.

You have done all the right things. I am surprised they have not been more understanding.

Let's imagine that you haven't given birth and you both go. We could have lots of fun in the run up googling wedding outfits to cover your vastness btw, so it would be selfish of you to deprive us of that

At some point in the day you feel a bit tired and want to go home or even go into labour. You could just keep your legs crossed until DH finishes his speech, couldn't you? It would give him another amusing anecdote.

Just be careful that you don't do anything to detract from their big day. Because if they're sulking over this, they're certainly going to kick off about someone stealing their thunder by her waters breaking in church.

Of course yanbu.