To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

I went to a family 60th birthday dinner, 90 mins from home, the day before my due date. All was fine.
Thing is, you might be able to make it, but you might not. Your DH will most likely be fine to attend. I think YABU to give a blanket no but, as others have said, you should leave the ball in their court.

I cannot imagine anything worse when very heavily pregnant than having to put on a nice dress (which you'd no doubt have to buy specially

I went to a wedding at 37 weeks pregnant
I just wore nice trousers & a nice top
Dresses aren't compulsory

I don't see why DH should give them options, obviously in his eyes the birth of his child trumps their wedding . They see it the other way round, but tough .
My best friend couldn't be my witness at my wedding because it was her due date, she didn't come either. In the grand scheme if things it didn't matter a bit.

It's not as if you have just sprung it on them.

I'm with hellokittycat.

I'm surprised you're being so inflexible.

They clearly don't have kid, do they?

They just don't get it and are probably quite wrapped up in their day so not thinking as they normally would.

YANBU but how many ftb arrive on time or early? You'll prob be quite overdue and gutted you missed it. They obv don't mind paying so I'd say go for it and be clear than if u feel too tired, are in labour or have a tiny baby then you won't go

I absolutely despise people saying "you are pregnant not ill". Technically of course it's true, however any illness that involves sickness, mood swings, muscular and joint aching, overwhelming exhaustion and the rapid piling on of a large amount of weight in a small time period would be taken pretty seriously wouldn't it? No, not illness but many of the symptoms of one and often pretty difficult and painful for many women.

That said OP, I think you are being a little unreasonable. It's highly unlikely you will go into labour on your due date and if you do well that's just tough noodles really isn't it, as long as you have been very clear with the B&G that your DH may have to bow out should that happen.

I think you are being a bit pathetic. If the baby hasn't been born then you can go to a wedding 45 minutes away. If it has been born your DH can decline and they have a stand in or have your mum / mil on standby and your DH can go to the ceremony and meal and then come home. You might even find that you have had an easy birth and are happy to come along too with the baby and leave before the dancing.

I would still go! The chances are you'll go over your due date with your first and you'll be bored out your mind waiting for baby to come so it would be a welcome distraction!

I'm sorry but I think YABU. You have no idea how you will feel in August and you may be completely fine to go to a wedding. I had 3 very easy pg's (have had 3 m/c's too so know how you feel on that score) and never got to the stage where I didn't feel up to going out.

I actually went to a wedding when I was 3 days after my due date with DS2 and went into labour the next day. I had a great time, danced and didn't even need to go home early. I also had fairly easy births and could have managed to go to a wedding a few days after birth but maybe only during the day and with a lot of sitting down.

Obviously this might be different with you and you may not be up to going either before or after, but as long as the B&G know the circumstances then you can decide nearer the time.

The only reason why DH couldn't attend is if you are in labour or the first couple of days after dc is born. After that, even if you aren't up to it, DH could go and a friend or family member could come to help you.

I aren't at all in the camp of 'their speshul day' but the G is obviously very close to your DH and as long as they have a stand in best man for the scenario above, I can't see the problem and can understand why they are a little pissed off.

I do think you need to be flexible. You're giving them a blanket 'no' when it's not necessary.

The better thing is to say that you are coming but there's a strong chance that you won't be able to come at the ladt minute and a good chance that your DH may not be able to come to all or some of it. Then it's up to them if they want to pay for meals, a suit etc. and you go with their preferences.

Of course you don't stop your DH from going to work, he's at work ,you phone him he rushes away from work .
I'm sure the B &G would be delighted and accommodating if DH got a phone call to say you are in labour just before the vows or speeches.

If you haven't given birth you might feel absolute fine and enjoy having a nice evening. I wasn't massive with any of mine and went overdue with all 3. I was out for lunch half an hour away, did a full tesco shop and went out for dinner with friends on my due date with #1. With #2 I had a 3 year old, did school runs, went to a shopping centre, had a load of friends and their 3 year olds over for a play date including giving them all dinner and with #3 I was induced but the day before had my 4 year olds birthday party for 30 kids. You may feel just fine. Take it as it comes.

I would leave it open. I would have been fine to go on/after my due date, I got lucky and once I'd finished work was quite lively :). I wouldn't have been able to go afterward because I was doing the Casearean Shuffle, but that just shows we're all different. If they're happy to save a place for you I would let them.

Personally I would still go to the wedding and let your DP be best man. The wedding is local, babies seldom arrive when they are due and if you go into labour they can hardly be upset at you not turning up. However I do think they are being a bit unreasonable getting the hump with you over it as it is your decision if you don't feel comfortable in going.

Lilac at 37 weeks I only had 1 pair of stretch trousers that fit, nothing 'nice' at all and only one pair of shoes. When I said 'dress' I meant 'wedding appropriate clothes '.

I wish I'd had a wedding to take my mind off being overdue (two weeks in the end... Not fun)

I actually think you are being very pfp (pregnancy) about this. I can understand why - you had a miscarriage, first pregnancy, early days and all that. But honestly people can, and do, make it to lots of social occasions just before and after the birth of their babies.

I was pregnant with DS after a miscarriage and whilst I got very tired at the end and walking seemed ridiculously wearying, I still managed to work up to week 38 and was out doing stuff, including an evening party five days past my due date. Yes you feel big and the shoes/dress won't be as fancy but unless you are ill, later pregnancy is just a bit of a bore.

Similarly, I went out with friends for a meal when DS was 7 days old. I'm no superwoman, I'd had a c section, but he is one of my best friends, and it was a milestone birthday. It would have been way cheaper for him if we hadn't gone but he wanted us to be there if we could, same as your dh's best friend perhaps.

And I don't understand how you will be stealing thunder from the bride - will people really be looking at you wondering when your waters might burst? Unless you tell them they won't really care that there is a heavily pregnant lady at a wedding. Again, heavily pregnant ladies and weddings happen. I know you didn't suggest this but it was an odd thing for another poster to say.

They are probably pissed off that you have dismissed the whole best man thing totally. Talk to them again - share your fears and say that if they want to take the chance then that's fine. They have sorted a back up best man - so if anything happens you can not go and feel ok about it. You've offered to save them money, they'd rather they spent the money and take the chance you'd not be there.

I think you've probably come across as a bit 'no no no.' You've gone straight in with your DH having to withdraw as best man, without any exploration of options. They've then come up with some extremely accommodating options, and it's still a no. Then 'don't bother with a suit', progressing quickly to 'don't order us a meal.' It sounds like you're quite firmly intending not to come, while still saying 'oh DH will come if he can.'

It's 45 mins away. They're happy to have a stand-in. The odds of you going into labour while he's there are pretty remote, and there's a back-up plan.

Why can't he just go? If there's any hint of you going into labour, he'll be back within an hour and there's someone to step in.

If you've had the baby, the situation can be reassessed and a decision made nearer the time.

If I'd come up with alternatives, and said I was happy to waste cost of suit/meals and the couple were still saying a flat no, I'd just assume they had no wish to come and be quite hurt by it.

I would be upset if my close friends declined a local wedding on the chance their baby was going to be born that day (when due dates are very approximate). I would have accepted going and added in my rsvp assuming baby cooperates, or some such phrase. I think it correct for your DH to decline best man role, as consequences and costs of him withdrawing are higher -suits etc. Your friends have said it's no problem to pull out if baby arrives early, what more could they say to convince you they want you both there?

Please reconsider going, this is an important celebration for them, and chances are you and DH will spend the afternoon at home watching tv, as baby won't have arrived. I wouldn't travel hours and for a bday I would decline, but a wedding is pretty special time for the couple.

We went to a wedding last year where the best mans wife was past her pfb due date. It was rather lovely to see her make an effort for her friends, and apart from her dh not touching a drop of alcohol and that they left fairly early as she was tired, they were pleased they went. And the baby didn't arrive for another week.

A friend once asked me to be her bridesmaid we were so excited. But I got pregnant she was livid she said I would spoil her photos! I was about 7 months when she got married. The point I'm making is people turn into nutters when they get married.

I'm in two minds now, but just spoken to DP about the reactions on here and he's sticking to his guns. He says I forgot to tell you what a selfish arse G is (in general yeah he can be but not the point here)

We have said already that if we or just DP can pop in for a bit then we will, but just not do the suit and meals. But I guess that's up to them.

I think it's quite insensitive of you to say you're definitely not going tbh. They obv feel your relationship is close one if your dh is/was to be best man and clearly felt it was important. You have pretty much down right rejected them on several occasions. You don't know what will happen. Being your first baby you will likely be overdue and who's to say you won't fancy a wedding? Are these people not your very good friends? Surely you WANT to see them get married?
If you are in labour then they will have provisions for that and clearly are happy to do so.
If you have the baby, you don't have to go if you don't feel up to it but what's stopping your dh?

I think you have been very rude. Having a baby isn't the end of the world...

And it is possible that you won't need any help from DH if you have a small baby and have had a VB. In fact, you may enjoy some time with just you and your new baby. If you have a C section and you have no other family or friends then thats different.

You really can't call it.

The B&G of the wedding I attended were told and were understanding that it was a yes but maybe no, it depends. If they wanted to save money they would have taken you up on it, first mention.

Actually, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable (a bit inflexible really). The wedding is close by so ether DH or both of you could probably go for at least part of the day. It's up to the B&G if they are happy to lose money if you can't make it.

My MIL had planned her 60th big birthday party 8 days after my due date. We had explained to her that I might not make it as we expected to have a newborn by then. DH was always going to go. As it turned out, we both attended, as DD still hadn't made an appearance! I just wore nice trousers and blouse and a nice scarf. I was fecking enormous but tried really hard not to steal her thunder! (DD was born by EMCS at 40+13 so almost another week after the party).

Could you not have a rethink? Is their friendship worth it or do you feel this might be a natural drift point for you?

(Massive congratulations on your pregnancy BTW)

A similar scenario has just happened to us, although wed were just guests not partof the wedding party. I was 39 +1 with dc2. I had dc1 at 39+2 so I had reasonable grounds to assume I might not be able to attend. However as it was a family wedding the B and G wanted us to. I have had to go to hospital every other day for the last two weeks due to gestational hypertension and am being induced on my due date so not what you would call an 'easy' final stage. Oh and we have a toddler! The wedding was 1 hr away.

We went! And I am so glad we did. I wore a dress I bought in the Asos sale for a £10. Everyone was lovely to me, lots of jokes about it being a good job the BM speech was not likely to be funny (it was) I took my hospital notes in the car and by 7 I had contractions so we left (false alarm! But stop start labour is less common first time around I think!)

Just go if you can. No one will expect you to lead a conga! But these are obviously close friends and you will most likely have a great day. It's their decision if they want to risk losing money, they obviously think you are both worth the risk. This baby is understably of utmost importance to you, but their wedding feels similarly important to them and I I think a blanket 'no' it is YABU