To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

Precisely expat.

If the b&g had accepted what they were told the first time (eye rolling permitted of course) instead of pushing for suit fittings etc. maybe OP and her DP would have been a lot more receptive to the compromise of leaving a just in case space. Nagging pushes them into an all or nothing corner.

Clearly both parties feel the biggest thing in their lives is the most important thing at the moment and true friends wouldn't require proof of loyalty by making them prioritise.

That in itself would be enough to put my back up. Along with all the 'pfb get over yourself' stuff on here. It applies just as equally to weddings.

I suspect if the g recognised that what's going on in the op's dp's life and agreed that he would choose another best man things wouldn't have esculated to the point it has.

Sorry OP don't mean to talk about you behind your back :)

Erm.. The OP said in her opening post that if she's overdue she'll 'need her husband with her in case she goes into labour'. Hence the rather surprised responses from many of us who didn't expect our DH to actually physically be with us from due date onwards.
Contrary to what eastenders would have you believe, it's rare for a first baby to shoot out within 2 minutes of contractions...

I agree Janey.

Op, if you have not given birth your DH is being a bit crappy towards his Best Friend to be honest. It's very unlikely that you will 'need' him next to you in case you go into labour. He will only be 45 mins away, you can fart for longer then that when in labour (just me? ).

Given that he could go (even just for the ceremony, pics and speeches )if you've not given birth then it comes across as this friendship is very one sided, the Groom is not his best friend as far as your DH is concerned, if he was he would try to work things if he could. The groom may pick up on this and it may affect their future relationship. And if your DH has not wanted to attend all along he should not of given them the slightest hope, he should of had the backbone to be very final in his decline from the start.

Or it may be a case that your DH doesn't feel he can genuinely go without you, you've already expressed to us, a bunch if strangers, that you need him around incase and because you and baby rightly trump anyone else he may think he is doing the right thing given the impression you have given.

If this was some random /friend wedding, I wouldn't give it a second thought, but this isn't no matter how it may be played down. It's nit a summons, it's the groom needing your DH to be there for him for what could be just a small part of the day.

I think your DH's stubbornness to refuse to text (?!?) now is because deep down he is prob feeling a bit shitty about it. This will impact on the future friendship, it'll always be the elephant in the room.

It is hard reading things that do not agree with your stance and this may all be irrelevant as come the stroke of midnight on your due date you may be one of the very few that go straight into labour!

I don't understand OP - if you would like to go but feel you can't then just leave it open until nearer the time. The B&G seem happy enough for that so decide much closer to the time (for both if you).

Surely, that's why he said 'no' back in January and still saying it. Of course, he is just a silly man who doesn't know his own mind, not an adult capable of making decisions for himself.

I didn't go to my oldest friend's wedding because it was a week before my due date. I don't regret it and neither does she.

Do they really want a best man checking his phone every five minutes in case labour has started? Running out of the church to his car throwing the ring at the usher?

At work, in the few weeks beforehand, everyone knows the DH may have to leave at short notice. As far as possible they avoid scheduling things that would fall apart if he wasn't there in that five week period.

Jesus wept! Do people really make so much drama out of an over-blown party?

'Be my best man.' 'Okay.' 'Oops! My wife is due our first baby that day, I'm going to have to bow out, mate'

No! Let's play verbal ping pong and This is MY Day! Speeches and mediocre food and wine and Me, Me, Me! Look at Me!

"and for the record I actually would like to go to the wedding, I love weddings and I love the couple in question, but there is a very high chance I may not be able to. Same goes for DP."

Ops latest post. This changes things a bit from them not wanting to do as previously stated.

All people are saying is that there is a good chance that at least DP can go, and giving examples based on their experience of how it's possible.

Presumably the bride and groom have decided it's worth the potential upheaval to the day to try and have DP there, and that's up to them.

And this is AIBU after all, it was hardly going to be all agreement and understanding.

Good post jeggings

expat do you not like weddings much?
OP has said she would like to go which does change things slightly.

Surely it's a good thing to know that she likely won't go into labour, and it likely won't last 45 mins, and all will probably be well, and that a compromise can be reached? That seems to be the direction OP is heading in.

Am I the only one who would find giving best mans speech way way way more stressful than my day to day job then?!

I used to regularly give speeches in a previous life and I'd still rather do my day job. I believe that public speaking ranked in the top 5 of peoples fears back in the day when I used to do it.

Anyway thats by the by.

I do agree expat, for some reason people are placing a ridiculous amount of importance on the whole Best Man thing. It is only a wedding. The invitation to be Best Man is only that, an invitation. It isnt a declaration of undying friendship which the DP will be throwing back in the Groom's face by declining it.

bowlers arm I disagree people can think what they like.

I think if someone finds speeches stressful then that is probably the case regardless of it being a due date.

but then give me a mic and ill never shut up so I have no comprehension of this

Only you can decide how you feel op.

You might feel great, you might not. There is nothing wrong with wanting the last weeks of your pregnancy to revolve around you and your DH. The birth of a baby is a far bigger deal than a wedding.

Your friends are being very ungracious. There is nothing I hate more than being coerced into something I have specifically said I don't want do.

I suspect if your baby comes early they will expect your DH to go regardless.

Op we would have done the same in those circumstances. I think your dh sounds lovely for putting you first.

I can see why the DH doesnt want to be somewhere different around the time of the birth. All very well saying he can just keep his mobile phone with him and not drink but a couple of things spring to mind and may well have occurred to OP's DP:

• what if mobile phone reception isnt that great?
• If OP were to go in to labour then the law of sod is that it will be during the ceremony. How easy will it be for the DH to answer the phone and chat with OP to see if he needs to come home?
• will the B&G be understanding if DP has to hurry home or will they be putting pressure on DP to stay for this or that?
• if it turns out to be a false alarm will the B&G be a pain about it?

Work is a different matter. DP will already know what phone reception is like. It is often easier to cope if DP has to rush off from work and then come back if it is a false alarm.

• he could check reception before hand by ringing or visiting
• he could also have venue reception aware of the situation and OP having the number to contact directly

• I would imagine OP wouldn't contact him during the ceremony unless he did need to come home - I didn't tell DH about my first few hours of contractions and he was right there.

• the last two are the big one - if DP went, it would have to be on the understanding that if he needed to go, regardless of when, then that is that. No compromise there. So this could be a sticking point if B&G are a bit entitled. And false alarms can't be helped. They all end up with a baby in the end

I realise that phone reception is something which can be checked out a bit but if the reception was less than perfect I would be concerned. Personally I wouldnt trust the venue reception to pass on messages promptly. All too easy for the message to get lost in the general confusion of the wedding.

Yeah, I wouldn't do a message.

I would say to reception "if my wife calls you come and get me she is having a baby" with the pre agreement of the groom. If groom doesn't agree of course it's a no go.

There are ways to make this work if they want. If not, no bother.

Not at all, it's more that I find quite a few of these shindigs that pass for a weddings over-blown, adolescent demonstrations of self-absorption. It's a party with a short service attached.

If she really wanted to go, there would be none of this carry on.

That there is indicates, neither one of them really wants to go. Hardly the crime of the century, missing a wedding. They tried to say no, but were not clear enough. So be so now.

Loving the idea that hubby needs to be called at sign of first twinge during the ceremony. Clearly some people spend too much time watching soaps and must be very disappointed when it'll probably be a good few hours before she wants be anywhere near a hospital..

Thats a bit condescending Janey. I wouldn't be so cool for school that I could hang around at a wedding making small talk (or speeches) when my wife was at home on her own probably slightly nervous/scared/apprehensive in the early stages of labour. I would want to be with her, whether she was anywhere near a hospital or not. Is that not normal?

I'm clearly way out of step with what marriage is like these days.

That's an awful thing to say janey68. When it is your first child you don't know how things are going to progress. I have only one child and it was a quick labour. Besides, it must be very scary to be on your own.

Everyone is different, and the OP is not you.