To have said no?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

See, if the chicken on a fork thing had been ignored (she'll definitely eat "properly" in other company if/ when she wants/ needs to, so I don't thinks really matters- unless her role models eat "sloppily" then whatever you say will make no difference anyway) then the door would very likely be intact. IMHO.

Just laziness then I take back that you're horrible.

Also (on a roll, sorry)
If we approach children in a sympathetic manner I think the outcome is usually less painful on the ears.
She was embarrassed about being corrected at the table. So she refused to eat the chicken and had no choice then but to give an excuse. Saying she's full was obviously bollocks. As I'm sure everyone knows.
So if op had then maybe touched her arm and said "fancy some ice cream" all would be well in the house right now and the op would look like the fairy stepmother and the DSD would )0(IMHO) be likely to be more charming at their next encounter.

Bloody hell...I said no to ice cream because she said she was full, she was told she'd get some later but that wasn't good enough and so she threw a fit. She chose to say she was full because she couldn't be arsed to cut up the bloody chicken.

It wasn't on the bone,She's not left handed, she not got SN and she's been shown hundreds of times how to use a knife and fork and how to cut up food. Should I still now be cutting up her dinner, making smiley faces..feeding her even. Would this make me a good step parent?! No it wouldn't. I believe in boundaries and screaming in our house gets you nowhere.

I'm not mean, I'm not an awful SP I simply wanted to know if I was unreasonable.

Desperate for ice cream more like it. Kuds can be total shits on occasion. Nothing to do with step parents or a lack of love and attention. Just being kids.
Mners cant help overanalydung everything though.

Amanda that sounds like the op should arse lick her dsd to prevent bad behaviour, why would she offer ice cream if thats not the house rules? Wouldn't other dc expect the same?
OP doesn't need to keep the girl sweet for a nice encounter her dsd should respect her anyway.

Every word said makes my first comment even more correct.

If this was the OP's biological child, would this be such a big deal?

KatieKaye That's the point I was making! Left- or right-handed this child will have to learn to use her knife and fork and by 10, frankly, learning that should be long in the past.

It is obvious that MNers, of either gender, were all perfect children but I know that by seven if not sooner I had that under my belt, because I remember a rellie whom I first met at that age saying so!

Bollox. Wasn't embarrassed. Was boundary pushing. That's all.

Hold firm together. Whatever decision you make. She's checking her safety out. And cross coz no ice cream

I don't think any arse licking is required. That's not what I'm suggesting.

I've already admitted my approach to "eating rules" is a bit slutty. I just think that in table wars, There are no winners. And I believe that in teaching manners leading by example is very reliable.
DSD (and I would say the same without the "S" btw) was eating her food. She was pulled up on her table manners and, given the statement: "can barely use a knife" (implying a long term disapproval of the way she ats) I think it's reasonable to consider that the request to use her knife might have not been friendly. Of course I could be wrong. But it seems to me that this was an entirely avoidable conflict that had nothing to do with chicken and ice cream and everything to do with ego and power and control.
So, I think the op was bu. not because she's a SM, but because I believe in the healing powers of ice cream.

Erm what has being left handed got to do with it?

I'm left handed, could use a knife and fork when I was 4. My handwriting is alright as well.

Yes you are wrong dsd was asked by dh 'X please use your knife' that was all no drama no more attention to it was given, it was dsd who then took it to the nth degree leading to her not getting any ice cream.

If you're too full to eat dinner then surely you're too full to eat ice cream as soon as you've declared yourself stuffed? She would've got her sodding ice cream if she'd not started screaming the place down!!

The thing is, presumably DSD's own mother doesn't make an issue about using a knife, and you may well be right in thinking that it's because the mother is more interested in her new boyfriend. But that does have all sorts of complex ramifications - you're making her do something she does not have to do for most of the time, you're implicitly criticising her mother for letting her get away with it, and you're possibly reminding her that she's getting away with it because her mum is too unininterested to notice or be bothered. So I can sort of see where the tantrum is coming from.

Maybe it would be best for DH and his ex to have a chat about presenting a united front on this?

Well, you can't give it to her now or she'll learn tantrums will get her to have her way. Then the next one will be worse.

Also, I'd have her fix the door when she calms down. Or make her do chores to earn the money needed to fix it (even if it's just paying you or DH an fee for your time, like you would a real repair person).

Kids throw tantrums. It happens. I doubt it's anything you did. She's just testing the ropes to see how much she can get away with.

It is pretty normal for a 10 year old to be able to use a knife and fork. op's child or not, if manners matter to her then it's not unreasonable for her to expect a 10 year old to be able behave appropriately.

Well it all sounds like its going swimmingly.

Tiggy - you are not a bad parent/step-parent. You gave DSD the chance to eat properly and she refused and then first stropped and then slammed a door so hard she broke it. And yet some people are trying to turn this around and make out it's all your fault? Amazing.

Kids constantly push at boundaries. We all know that. Sometimes we realise they are ready for more responsibility and sometimes we realise they are being brats and have to tackle that behaviour.

Giving in to DSDs tantrums in this instance would not benefit anyone. You'd be pissed off that this was rewarding bad behaviour and she'd get the message that it's just fine to behave like this. One night without ice cream is not going to hurt her. It might help her realise that some things are not negotiable in your house. At 10 she is not a baby and as you have said is capable of eating properly and understanding that there are different rules for different places.

You took the time and trouble to cook a meal for the family so it wasn't too much to ask for her to also make a tiny effort and eat it properly.

Hope the rest of the weekend is more peaceful for you and that DSD gts over her strop. Just think: in a few short years you will have the delights of a teenager...

YANBU. Sometimes kids can be little buggers just for the sake of it. I don't see the need to psychoanalyse. You just have to stay firm and get on with it.

YaNBU. My son is 2.4 and can use a knife. I don't think this makes him a genius. Looks awful when kids put a whole sausage etc on a fork and bite it. As they say, 'that'll learn 'er'. Some odd posts on this thread!

7.30 this morning dsd came in and asked dh if she could have ice cream, naturally dh said no. So she went downstairs and helped herself anyway..it's not even 8am.

It might be a long day!