To have said no?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

I think what some are referring to when they think you may come across as condescending and a bit rude/goady, is when you do this.

"Ah, consequences."

It's just seems a bit judgey. And you've based your judgement on one rather shoddy experience of how they should be used.

Anyway, consequences aren't just about removing nice things from the child. How about "Well dd, if you do put sand in your shoes, they won't be comfortable and then you'll be upset. But it's up to you." Five minutes later "Mummy!!!!! My shoes have sand in!!!! Get it all out!!!!"

"Did you poor sand in them?"
"Yes."
"Well next time you should maybe listen to Mummy when I say don't put sand in your shoes. You'll have to wait until we're the car so I can sort you out."

Or, when she is just being mardy and not talking but screaming (this happens not even once a month now and she's 3.5 years old. As a 2 year old it was 5-6 times a day). I explain that I will not be screamed at, if she is sad/angry/upset etc she needs to calm down and talk nicely. If she chooses not to I will choose to revoke tv time. Regardless as what has caused her upset it believe she needs to learn that she will not be listened to and I/people will not tolerate being screamed at.

I'm not ever going to suggest what you do isn't suitable. I think it all very much depends on the type of personality everyone involved has so you find solutions that suit your own situations. My own dm parented very differently to me. But I was a complete different child to my dd. And as it so happens my dm completely agrees that what I do is what my dd needs. Not the softly softly catch a monkey approach my dm used. It wasn't wrong. Just not right for that particular child.

I don't think any of us are really saying anything that different in the end...

But the point I was trying to make Hully, is that it didn't actually NEED saying on this thread!

The reasons for bad behaviour were irrelevant to the situation that this thread was originally about, so asking about them was pointless. Because they were pointless, the OP probably felt quite ganged up on and judged. Why ask about something that is irrelevant?

Yes, but I think the reasons are always the most important thing and the most relevant.

For the sake of our respective sanities, I suggest we agree to differ...

Because (IMO) we can't know if the OP was being U or not unless we know why the child did as it did.

As I said ages ago, no one would say Yes, that behaviour is perfectly lovely, so why ask then?

I think we do have to agree to differ - because I believe that barring an additional need that meant there was a reason she couldn't cut up the chicken (and that was ruled out early on), then NO reason for the behaviour would have made the op Unreasonable.

But surely not over and over and over and over though, surely?! (says she of the bloody long posts )

Nah, feeling quite settled here now!

It is strangely fascinating...

And everlong is right too btw

Ah, but I haven't gone through all of Everlong's posts one by one.... yet....

Actually you weren't the "only one" to acknowledge that the OP mentioned her dsd's mother was showing more interest in her boyfriend. It is highly likely the dsd was feeling sensitive for that very reason. However, the point lots of people are trying to make is that, even if dsd was cross with her birth mum, the OP and her DH have absolute rights as to what behaviour is deemed acceptable in their own home. Regardless as to what has caused the child's upset.

What if we had this approach with law breakers?

There must be some reason why Mr Smith stabbed you in the face? Oh, it's because you told him that he can't come in to a bar with a baseball cap on. But surely there must be some deep seated reason why? It can't be his fault. I'll go and have a chat with him and buy him and ice cream.

I know that's extreme and it's not this black and white with everyone AND it sounds like I'm extracting the urine. But I'm not sure if what some people are saying on here is quite being grasped.

I think it's interesting to do sometimes, Everlong, not in a 'picking on a person' type of way. I do it more to myself, actually. I know I'm writing in response to all of the posts, but if for some reason one of my posts stands out, then they will probably be looked at individually, in relation to the OP's post rather than all of the others.

It's helpful to see if I've gone on about something a bit much.

That's how I noticed that Hully asked the same question lots of times. In the flow of the conversation, she probably did it in response to other posts rather than just the Ops. But looking at just her posts they really stood out.

Meh, Just me being me.

Fuck you OP, now I want KFC.
I'll use my best manners with their 'spork'

at how long it took me to work out what a "spark" was specialagentfreypie

Bugger. spork