To have said no?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

A 10 year old with no SNs can cut up chicken by themselves. I can't believe the way people are babying their children.

She is ten, she is a baby

no she isn't a bloody baby. She is 10 and more than capable of using cutlery.

OP, you were right.

I think you're on a bit of an uphill here if you're starting to make these changes with a ten yo who's experienced a different way of parenting up to this point.

Ok. You're doing great.
I'm sure there was absolutely no way that mealtime could have been handled any better resulting in less stress.

You are not being unreasonable OP, she is 10 years old, well old enough to know how to use a knife and fork. Shocked that any NT 10 year old child wouldn't be able to master the basics of cutlery.

In my teens, I went out with a boy who was never shown how to use cutlery properly. He never really needed to, his family always had burgers/pizza etc on their knees in front of the TV. At the age of 17, he had absolutely no idea how to hold his knife and fork properly. We went to a formal together, and my dad had to give him a run through of table manners. He would just stab big bits of food with a fork, too, put his head down to the plate, that sort of thing.It was unbelievable. Very clever, pleasant boy, completely normal in other ways, but this had just been totally neglected.

So I absolutely do think you should continue to expect table manners from your DSD- people think it's one of those things kids pick up when they are ready, but it really isn't. It needs taught

So many assumptions, we aren't just beginning to parent. I have been with Dh since dsd was a toddler. Dh and I try our hardest to be good role models to teach her basic skills. Her mum isn't really that fussed because of the tantrums she'd rather have an easy life.

Tantrums in this house get you nowhere.

Can't believe some of the flack you are getting over this Tiggy. Of course a 10 year old should be able to use cutlery and ask for help if needed. There may well be a reason why she's being so arsey but moving your boundaries won't help. Tell her you love her to bits and stay with it. Hope you have a good day all of you.

You said she sits about waiting for breakfast because that's how your DP has been doing things. And you've I'd her DM gives into the tantrums.
So I'm not making any assumptions in suggesting that trying to change this with a child of her age is going to be extraordinarily difficult.
She leaves her things laying around and throws a massive tantrum when she's denied ice cream because she doesn't eat in the way you would like.
So, good luck.

Off to clean kitchen floor (joy)

I don't think yabu OP. She said she was full because it was easier than trying to cut her chicken up, and then expected ice cream. Well...no.

my DD is 4 she is definitely not a baby in any way shape or form she is a little girl, she gets treated as a little girl and i expect her to behave as a little girl not a big girl or an adult but also not as a baby,

she does struggle with a knife but I do make her eat with fork/spoon not fingers,

I would be OK with her helping herself to a snack I would not be Ok with her helping herself when she had been specifically told no

I think OP is right and DSD is out of order, and misbehaving and needs to apologise and then move on

yanbu, if she were your dd I doubt you'd act any differently and helping herself this morning is simply defiance. You might cut up for a 7yo but not a 10yo, and no ice cream (ie treat pud) if "full"

I'm really surprised at some of the responses on this thread. No wonder some kids behave like they do if they are pandered to in the way the responses suggest they would be. She is 10, with no special needs. She was being lazy/pushing back to get a reaction. I think the way the OP and her husband handled it was right.

I suspect anyone criticising you Tiggy hasn't read through the thread. You are not doing anything wrong and must insist that she behaves properly.

Please for her sake teach her proper table manners. Someone mentioned a boyfriend who didn't know how to use cutlery. One of the most embarrassing things I've seen was at a black tie dinner in our department where one of the male trainees was exactly as that poster described. I felt so sorry for him but it looked awful.

You were not unreasonable and for her sake persevere.

She's not a baby she's almost a teenager ffs. Stick to your guns op and well handled wrt the anti stepmum shit earlier on. You're doing fine by the sounds of it. Good to see your dp is on the same page as you.

Bloody hell!

This is why teachers and mid-day staff are so shocked when they walk through the school dinner hall.

The child is 10!
My children had better table manners at 3! Holding and using a knife and fork is not complicated, she knows how to do it and chooses not to. She is in her home and her parents are quite right to enforce their rules within it.

I loathe seeing children holding food on their fork like a lollipop. It's not necessary - how can you take them out anywhere when they do that?

I'm astounded that so many people on this thread are giving you a hard time OP. If she can wipe her own bum she can cut up chicken.

I was the other day when my ds's 9 year old friend asked me to tie his shoe laces.

Ten isn't a baby! Good grief!
OP you did well. I can't abide lazy table manners/use of cutlery in children.

"A 10 year old with no SNs can cut up chicken by themselves. I can't believe the way people are babying their children.

She is ten, she is a baby

no she isn't a bloody baby. She is 10 and more than capable of using cutlery.

OP, you were right."

She refuses to use cutlery, slams doors, takes when she's been told she can't have something, leaves her clothes on the floor and her rubbish discarded and not in the bin. She's nearly 11, ffs, not a baby but a spoilt little madam!

Why are so many people on here insisting that she's some poor hard done by who needs not discipline but attention and someone to cut her food up for her? Why should so many say that the OP should teach her table manners and not the OP's Husband, the father of the child and the child's mother. This is not the OP's obligatory responsibility, she has her own I'm sure!

The OP is stuck in the middle of this, forced to put up with brattish behaviour from a lazy child, doorslamming and rudeness in her own home because the child's parents haven't dealt with and aren't effectively dealing with it.

I don't think anyone is disputing her ability to use a knife.

It's her reasons for not doing so and how you approach her about it that matters.

All this calling her a "brat" and "little madam" etc is thoroughly unpleasant, old-fashioned and punitive. It sounds like people enjoying the idea of punishing and squashing a child. Just horrible.

If she knows what she is doing and is doing it anyway, there is a bloody REASON. People of any age, child or adult, behave badly for a REASON and because they are unhappy. Happy content people do not behave badly.

Treat her with love and kindness and find out what is making her do this. It absolutely is not just sheer bloody mindedness, unless of course you are saying she is a sociopath.

If she knows what she is doing and is doing it anyway, there is a bloody REASON.

Because she wants to?
Because she can?

Because her first action was to go and ring her mother to back her up? (her mother phoned her Ex to see what was going on. She should have told her DD to do what she was told).

It absolutely is not just sheer bloody mindedness

Do you think children don't do things out of 'sheer bloody mindedness'?

They do...

I think this is a battle worth fighting because think about where it leads...
Many a time I have sat in restaurants and seen
young adults on other tables who clearly do not know how to hold or use a knife and fork.
How sad and embarrassing for the young person that their family did not equip children with this skill as they grow up.

Personally I like eating food with my fingers and am happy for my children to do it too (my husband hates this - he even uses a knife and fork to eat pizza!).

But they must use cutlery correctly at some meals.

Your methods are not working.
The insistence on the "won't tolerate that in my home" approach has raised a child who can "barely use a knife", "sits watching tv before school waiting for someone to get her breakfast", slams a door hard enough to break the glass panel and then in the morning reignites the ice cream argument.
I think these a perfect examples of the failure of a punitive approach and a refusal to see beyond the obvious.

I agree with hullygully

"there is a reason".
And there is the possibility the reason is that she wanted to wind tiggy up. Or that she wanted to behave like a pig at the table because she thinks it's amusing. Or because this is the latest fad among her pals. You cannot possibly know the "reason" for the bad behaviour, hullygully - you are only speculating.
But out of interest, what "reason" would you give for her taking ice cream at 7.30 in the morning after she'd been told "no"? Other than sheer bloody mindedness?

I think the "reason" being suggested refers to there being a reason (beyond being a brat or a little madam) for the stubborn defiance rather than for helping herself to ice cream
I think it was a battle that could have been avoided without sully ing the good name of ice cream.
Now nobody can have ice cream for a fortnight.