To have said no?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

Thanks riverboat1

Not necessarily. Children follow different rules at school, at home, at clubs, at friends houses...

While step situations CAN be more complicated, that doesn't mean they necessarily are.

As people on this thread have attested, there are plenty of children who act like this who aren't part of step families.

I understand why the OP got frustrated, though fair point she asked a question on AIBU. Personally I would never ever post a question about my DSS on this forum. I don't think I'd get helpful, unbiased answers.

Delurking. Everlong, you seem articulate. Why do you find it hard to read between the lines that the child CAN use a knife and fork, but doesn't like to put EFFORT into it? Why do you find it hard to ascertain that the child may well use the knife and fork appropriately enough times so that when she does become "slack" , the concerned adults in her presence would be able to discern that she is being lazy when she doesn't use them properly?
It's been stated enough times that the child isn't special needs, being left handed does not equate to eating like a caveman?
The wide eyed innocence akin to being a Southern Belle doesn't suit somebody presumably as intelligent as you. You have had loads of opportunities to follow your own standards (promoting peace within families?), but instead have chosen to be obtuse and blind to information that isn't written down literally, but can be ascertained if logic was your forte.
You've hidden a cuntish attitude behind your "liberalism". And that you haven't found a way to advise the OP (assuming that your intention really is the child instead of a need to display your superior parenting credentials) is weird.
They say that "Those who know better, do better". But as we are on here, why don't you go a step further and "resolve" this for the OP? Share your advice in non contentious manner (what with your superior concern for this child). Assuming you think that the OP is ignorant (Your posts betray you), you do know that it is nigh on impossible to to curry favour by not offering even a semblance of neutral ground in order for somebody "go your way", don't you?

I wouldn't take kindly to your assumptions about the OP (especially as they are prejudiced to suit your way of living) and I'd probably stop seeing comments from a person who continuously tries to change the narrative from "child can use knife and fork, chooses to eat like a neanderthal, jumps salty when asked to fix up" to " child can't use knife and fork, so why , at the age of ten does it matter, now?".

I rarely (or not as much as I want to) comment on "cheating" threads, because I came out of a rough situation and can still get furious, if triggered. My advice (most of the time) would be too hysterical, even if I was "right".
If you are really concerned about the OP stepchild, maybe you should ask yourself if the way you are having up the OP is "constructive" or is it just virtual, self absorbed masturbation? I mean, don't you get tired of repeating a point in the same way, repetitively, with the same result yet you expect OP to pay you any kind of mind? Change tactic, (as your concern for this child may have induced Charles Dickens stories levels of child neglect in the more feeble minded amongst us) if your aim is not solely to see words that you have typed shown on the internet (I remember how excited I was the first time I saw words of mine in an internet forum)!

Great post, stooshe!

For some strange reason everlong still refuses to accept that DSD can use a knife and keeps saying that he/she did not read the situation that way. That's fine first time around, but when the actual situation has been carefully explained several times, the continued and blatant wilful misinterpretation seems somewhat disingenuous at best.

Thanks DIY I'll try a variation of your tactic.

Hully DD3 is 7 and an example of what happens might be that she insists on wearing a pair of tights for school that annoy her even though she has more acceptable tights This then esculates into a full tantrum. The next morning when everything is fine I'll praise her for getting ready nicely and comment in what a pleasant morning we've had. Then I'll say how mad yesterday was and how upset she was at which point she'll start shouting me down or put her fingers in her ears. If I launched straight into what happened yesterday she gets defensive immediately and it can start another tantrum so I don't do that.

stooshie that is pretty much the definition of a strange and unmeasured post.

everlong - we went over this on Saturday. Sigh.
read the thread and all will be revealed.
You keep saying "she can't use a knife" repeatedly even though that is not the case.

By the way, the phrase "can barely use" does not mean "cannot use at all" which is the tenet you are basing your argument on.

I'm quite well aware of how AIBU works, but wonder why you are so surprised when people don't agree with you, especially when you base your posts on a wilful misunderstanding of the situation when the facts have been pointed out to you many times.

Sorry Everlong, but OPs second post:

"No special needs she just doesn't like using it at 10 I'm not cutting up her food because she's too lazy! She's been shown many times"

and third post:

If she had difficulties I would most certainly have helped as would dh. She has been shown lots of times but just chooses to cut with her fork or pick it up and eat it as is"

Like I said, my DD once had her dinner removed for stabbing a whole sausage with her fork and bringing it up to her mouth to chew on it whole, instead of cutting it up. If DD tried to do the same with a chicken breast she'd get the same treatment. It is pretty poor manners to do that. I'd cringe if I saw a child getting away with something like that, and I'm almost horizontally non-judgemental about other parenting choices.

I commented early on in this thread as I assumed the statement can "barely use a knife" was to be taken at face value. I was in support of the OP because I assumed that for whatever reason the child had not been taught to. I mentioned I had seen the spectacularly embarrassing end results of that and encouraged the OP to help in acquiring these skills.

As far as I can make out OP then revealed it's not "cannot" but "won't" and that the child's real mother has little time for her. That is quite different.

If it is indeed the former I would continue to advise OP to assist the child in developing social skills.

If it is the latter I would continue as above and add that OP and the child's father try to work out what is causing this behaviour; particularly if it is the case the girl is being passed between a real mother who doesn't have time for her and a stepmother who seems more concerned about enforcing rules and a father who seems to be mostly absent from this discussion.

Who knew a turn of phrase about a knife could cause so much angst?!

Caitlin, OP says she loves DSD very much, that she is trying to teach her basic life skills and that she is going to take the opportunity to get DSD involved in cooking to try to help her with knife skills.

I think saying she is a stepmother who is mostly concerned with enforcing rules is very unfair.

Also the father has been referenced as being united with OP in ice cream refusal, but also as having tried to placate and calm his daughter when she was really upset.

OP and her DH seem to me to be trying to give the child consistent, basic rules and structure. They can't change the mother's behaviour, they can only try to make things clear and fair in their own home. We are reading on this thread about ONE isolated incident with some very sketchy background information. I cant believe the amount of judgements being made about OP based on that.

That may be the case. It doesn't mean OP was being unreasonable in refusing ice cream, which was the AIBU. It's a separate issue. If DSD consistently has disproportionately reactions to fairly minor discipline/rule issues, then that is something different. We have no idea if OP and her DH do feel DSD has emotional/anger issues that need addressing, or indeed if they are already being addressed.

riverboat why use the expression" barely use a knife " In the context of some of OP's later posts I found that a very odd thing to say. It cones out far more judgemental than I took it to be at initial face value.

There seems to be a lot of fixation on that wording. Really, a 10 year old must be physically and mentally capable of using a knife. I would take that expression to mean she has had so little practice in doing so, because she preferred the quicker no-knife method, that she wasn't very good at it and it was a bit laborious. But really come on, there isn't much to learning to use a knife except practising using one, which is what OP is trying to get DSD to do,

Semantics are very important.
I think the phrase "can barely use a knife" was loaded. It sounds derisory and judgemental.
And following posts didn't really deviate from that tone.