To have said no?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

To be fair to Tiggy, she did get some pretty harsh responses that were disproportionate to the question asked. I disagree with her POV but there are ways of not being a total arsehole and criticising everything about her way of parenting.

I disagree candy. In reality, most of the harsh and generalising comments have been made towards posters who've expressed views at the "liberal" end of the scale.

OP received some quite scathing posts towards the top of the thread too.

Yes, acusations like the situation was not about a child refusing to eat properly but was "everything to do with ego and power and control".

That was a nasty jab at the OP, who merely wanted DSD to use her cutlery properly.

Tigggys AIBU was simply asking if she was wrong to say no to ice-cream. Most posters have said she wasn't.

It was Tiggys DH that told his DD to use her knife. It was Tiggys DH that told his DD she couldn't have ice cream after she said she was full. Tiggy says she would have been given ice cream later, if she hadn't then thrown a tantrum, broken a glass pane in her bedroom door. Tiggys DH then told his DD (in the morning) that there would be no ice cream at all after she took some anyway.

But despite this, Tiggy has been told she is 'horrible' 'uncaring', that she should be 'teaching' a 10 year old to use her knife properly (not the child's mum or dad, but the step mother), that the child is obviously uncared for, unhappy, neglected and so on.

No wonder OP has lost her rag. The thread is rude, insulting and unfair.

This is a classic "step-parent" thread. Tiggy was going to be in the wrong no matter what she said. One poster (that I am very confused by on this thread) even states that someone agreeing with the OP "must have stepchildren" - because of course, only another 'wicked stepmother' could be in agreement.

The classic Passive Agression, sarcasm and wide eyed innocence from some posters is taunting and goading the OP into a response. It works and is used all the time. Then those posters get to pat themselves on the back on a job well done...and move onto the next thread doing the same.

I'm astounded that so many other posters can't see it and instead jump in and join in with gusto.

This bit is really key, about DM:

"She's more interested in her new boyfriend and her nights out than her daughter."

DSD does not have a secure base at the moment, from which to face the world, if that's what's going on at her mum's house.

So it's not unreasonable to enforce boundaries (no pudding if you don't eat your dinner) but that needs to happen alongside some exploration of how this child (because she's still a child) can be better supported.

And this isn't step mum bashing - DH needs to step up. Has he talked to HIS daugter about how she's finding life at her mum's? How does he feel about his ex's new boyfriend? Is that getting in the way if him dealing?

oh dear, everlong - how many times does OP have to explain that the child deliberately choses not to use a knife and that is why she can barely use one? It doesn't take a genius to work out that everything needs practice to develop competence. Refusing to use a knife means that she never develops the necessary competence to eat normally. The child is old enough to work this out and so are you.

Yes hackney I agree.

And of course it was about ego and power and control. The whole thing was a stand off (IMO) because the 10yo was pissed off at being "corrected". It was not about chicken or knives.
Besides, the consequence didn't even work because the DSD helped herself to ice cream in the morning. It screams "bigger issue than food"

The child was BU. but when children are BU it's surely a good idea to look at the wider picture.

On an aside here, I am quite capable of having sufficed on a main course, and yet still have room for a pudding.

It's as if I have 2 stomachs, one for main course, one for puddings. There always seems to be room for pudding.

Tigggys AIBU was simply asking if she was wrong to say no to ice-cream. Most posters have said she wasn't.

Yes, but then she drip-fed about how DSD's home life can be hard for her and it cast a new light on her strop.

HOpe the fresh air with the dogs helps - because stubbornly refusing to use a knife for no good reason other than she cannot be bothered to is never going to benefit the child.

Of course kids are often unreasonable for no good reason at all. I can remember almost having to force an unwilling teen into the shower because she just "couldn't be bothered" to get washed for days on end. There was nothing else behind this - she just wanted to lie on the couch and watch TV. Likewise the times there were skid marks left in the toilet - because she couldn't be bothered cleaning after herself - and then stropped when she was asked to. Not because there was any underlying reason, but simply because she couldn't be bothered. Yes, there was a huge amount of ego and attempts at power and control from her. Was she allowed to get away with it? No - because it wasn't in her best interest. Did she need to be shown how to shower or how to clean the toilet? No, because it was flipping obvious.
BTW - she is 19 now, very clean and tidy and absolutely lovely. but for several years she certainly had her moments!

I am left wondering, in a situation like this, whose job it is to teach the life skills.
The birth mum, dad, or the step mum.

If I was the step mum I would want to get very much involved.

Anyone else sick of 'drip-feeding' allegations being bandied around so ludicrously frequently? Seriously, who can honestly anticipate every single angle and tangent at the start of a thread? I don't understand the absurd efforts people go to in order to attempt to justify or overcomplicate bad behaviour. Sure there are often big reasons, but 'I'm full' followed by 'well no pudding then' is what it is FFS.

Rabbit - just a heads up that lots of mumsnetters find the term 'birth mum' deeply offensive when used to differentiate from a stepmum. I've been caught out before, so just a friendly warning...

I'd be interested to know how differently this thread would have gone if there had been no stepmother situation at all, and this child was the child of the OP and her DP.

Thumbwitch - I can't link to threads, but I believe there have been examples of threads in the past where the same questions have been asked by a SM and a regular mum and the general response has been very different.

Mums are allowed to vent on here about their own kids acting up and/or how hard they are finding some aspect of being a parent, and people are generally ready with sympathy and advice. When stepmums vent about similar minor issues to do with their stepkids, unless it's on the stepparenting board the response is generally 'well you chose this situation' 'it's a child, what do you expect' etc etc...

Yes Thumbwitch .... having just trawled through almost 400 replies it read to me like a classic example of "Wicked stepmother bingo" !!!

YADNBU

& I agree it's very likely boundary pushing to check safety with you as she's feeling insecure about the situation at home with her DM & a new DP, but even so, laying down firm rules as you have done is exactly what she needs right now more than ever, though a little understanding & a chat later when she has calmed down wouldn't go amiss either.

My own DD at this age was a nightmare with exactly this sort of brattish behaviour at times, all down to her feeling very insecure & unsafe about situations at school - new school has meant I have my old DD back :)

Though loving the losing the bedroom door for slamming it idea - definitely keeping that one up my sleeve for future teen tantrums :)