To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

They ate not children. They just think they can ignore that you don't want him to touch you like that, and you will give in.

Men will only 'think differently' if women let them.
They aren't children, they are adult human beings who should know boundaries.
Most intelligent and considerate men wouldn't continue with behaviour that their partner didn't like.
But I do agree about the possession implications.

Hiya. I'm new here. I've joined because my gf is addicted. I believe the standard behaviour is to just chip in, so for what it's worth:

Many men I know are led by their instincts. If we like someone we want to touch them. That doesn't mean we should, even in a long term relationship, I'm just saying that most of us WANT to, most of the time, especially if we have real feelings for our partners.

I personally like to touch my girlfriend often, though it's never seemed inappropriate. It's important for us men to let our GFs know that we fancy them, and a gentle touch, squeeze of the hand, kiss on the cheek is enough to reinforce that sentiment. To quote Monty Python 'You don't have to leap straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate' though that is many men's basest impulse, and I think a gentle shoulder rub, or a waist-circling cuddle from behind can be universally appropriate (as long as you're not in trouble with her) and will also give the opportunity to find out how she's feeling at that particular moment.

If she were ill, for instance, I wouldn't, for the simple reason that if I were ill, I wouldn't be up for it either. Sex, and all the preamble that leads to it, is something you both have to want, and while I want to do it pretty much all the time (she's just delightful), I always try and be sensitive to what she wants. Ultimately I don't want anything that isn't offered freely and with enthusiasm (though it doesn't stop me broaching the subject verbally as often as I think i can get away with it - she's become a dab hand at gently swatting me down without me feeling rejected, hurt or neglected)

What this comes down to, if you ask me, is sensitivity. If you care about your partner, you'll be sensitive to her needs and feelings, you'll pay attention, and in doing so you'll get to a point where you just know whether or not the time is right. You definitely won't sulk about not getting sex, and you won't play a manipulation game to get your own way even if your partner is poorly.

That's just bad form I reckon.

I'm really shocked at this. My 6 year old knows that when he's hooning around in the playground playing chase he doesn't grab hold of people. If they are playing fighting/wrestling games (they do apparently) it's only cool as long as everyone is smiling. He can read non verbal cues. He knows what is appropriate and he knows that you can't touch people without their permission.

What's so hard about this concept for an adult to grasp if a 6 year old can manage it? Honestly, if my DH grabbed at me at the wrong moment I'd tell him to fuck off. But he never has. In fact he doesn't grope or lunge at all. He does read me to know if I fancy a cuddle or kiss which may or may not lead somewhere. If he lunged while I was ill I honestly don't know what I'd do. If be so sad and disappointed. If either of my sons behave in this manner when they're older it would would want to disown them.

I really don't believe this "men don't understand" stuff. Of course they fucking do. They don't need it spelling out and even if they do it should only ever happen once.

Thanks Pianist. Good to hear a male perspective and what you're saying certainly makes sense.

Always interesting to get a male perspective, lucky this was the first thread you noticed.

If I was feeling run down and a partner of mine responded by groping my nipples, I can assure you my foot would have made contact with his face. It's not exactly sentimental, is it? I mean, there's an ocean between honking my tits and stroking my hair affectionately to comfort me.

Tell him titties are for play time, OP. Also, tell him to stop sulking like a surly teen with a bruised ego. It's hardly an attractive quality.

Oh dear, better check DP doesn't mind me groping him. Never thought anything of it. I really enjoy it when he grabs me, and enjoy a good grope myself.

But you should always be able to say what you're comfortable with.

Its a massive shame for you both that its taken 18 years though :(

She has said she doesn't like it. Her DP just ignored her.

I would really hate that. The thought makes me really angry, although that could be my dislike of nipple touchind due to bf.

It sounds likr you have made it clear with your words and actions over the years, he just hasnt listened! Now you have been more forceful about it and he knows he can no longer get away with it hes not happy.

Its tough, hes juat going to have to get used to it. If as you say in every other way he is a nice guy he will be fine.

If he continues to sulk and carry on it then he's obviously not as nice as you think. You've been with him 18 years how do you think he will react once hes gotten over his initial sulk?

And did you say this hsppened saturday? And has he still got the hump?

Thats a long time to carry on sulking if uou ask me

Sorry about typos im on phone with a big crack down the screen and cant always see what im writing

The trouble I have with dh is:

If he's tired, sex helps
If he stressed, sex helps
Ifs he's worried, sex helps
If he's feeling under the weather, sex helps
If he's in a good mode, sex helps

You're getting the picture here, so if sex is a cure all for him, he doesn't (rather didn't, he does now!) understand why it wasn't the same for me. It's taken him a while to realise that what to him is a loving gesture is constant pressure for me and a total turn off.

Yanbu op to have had the discussion. With him, but I think for you to go back and make any kind of apology would give him the wrong message again. I find now that I have more opportunity to initiate sex and any loving gestures and feel a lot better about it all.

Pimf I think you've hit the nail on the head. He feels sex relaxes him when he's tired, stressed etc whereas for me these are the times I'm least likely to be wanting it. A loving, no strings attached cuddle would go down so much better. I have tried to communicate this over the years but have probably not been as blunt about it as I need to be. Have picked up some useful phrases on here though and in fact this thread has helped clarify in my mind a lot of stuff that's been bugging me.

Havana, he's not sulking any more. I don't think he was really sulking before, just quiet and kind of sad. (though some might call that sulking). nor has there been any further attempt at physical contact. Think I'm with going to have to make the 1st move there now though not till I'm good and ready

:) All going the right way then.

Yes just wait.

You don't have to make it up to him, he can think a bit about how to be with you.

Liked little piano player's post ( or a what was his name again?)

"Many men I know are led by their instincts. If we like someone we want to touch them."

What a ridiculous thing to say. Everyone is led by their instincts. Everyone gets those primitive urges to touch something/someone appealing, all day long.

I'm really not interested in another "But men have needs, dear" lecture. Even if it is followed by some self-congratulatory nonsense about you actually show normal social skills with your partner.

My instinct is to punch sexist idiotic men I meet. I manage to restrain myself.

Lol, Pimpf that is spot on.

Maybe he was playing back all the times he had grabbed you before, and cringing!!! I know I would be, if in his shoes!

Hope he gets his confidence back, be nice and don't worry, if the grabbing doesn't lead to sex, he'll soon realize and stop it.

Is there something you do like? Perhaps redirect him to that? "I like it when x, it really makes me feel y". Blokes are (generally) not great at reading minds (neither are women) so lead him gently to behavior you do appreciate.

and if that doesn't work, start grabbing his bollocks and see how he likes it

"Many men I know are led by their instincts. If we like someone we want to touch them."

^^if you (generic you) are touching someone with your pleasure in mind, rather than theirs... Why?

Personally I am really grateful that smallpianist has taken the time to mansplain at such great length

Yes, we really should be grateful to him, I suspect it's his bedtime now though.

matilda perhaps you could bother reading the rest of what he wrote? Your summary assumption of what came after was not accurate or fair.