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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

268 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 20:17

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. Angry Angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2014 14:37

"It's a man thing"Hmm

I suppose it'll continue for as long as there are women willing to put up with it though.

CorporateRockWhore · 01/05/2014 14:39

bronya No it isn't. It's a disrespectful, unpleasant, pervy wanker thing. Don't dare lump my husband in with people who act in that way.

And Mandarin I can't believe you had to wait until your husband left the house to have a shower? That is not normal behaviour. In fact it's disgusting that you ever had to live like that.

WTF. This thread! Angry

Jayne35 · 01/05/2014 14:48

DH and I are a very touchy feely couple, neither of us mind the playful touching, and would certainly say if we did as very communicative with each other. The only time I'm not keen is when he does it in his sleep and wakes me up....I have to wake him and point out what he is doing! But, we can laugh about it together the next day. I can see that not everyone is happy with it though, as we are all different. Though if I was ill, DH would like to cuddle (in a non sexual way).

TillyTellTale · 01/05/2014 14:56

It's not Asperger's Syndrome. I have Asperger's Syndrome. Many of my friends have Asperger's Syndrome. We comprehend "stop touching me, I don't like it" fine.

I once had a conversation very similar to the OP, with an Aspie boyfriend who was groping me too much. You know what? He stopped it. He was upset he'd upset me.

lollerskates · 01/05/2014 15:13

Is there ANY OTHER CONTEXT in which men cannot understand the meaning of the word "no," or is it ONLY when women use the word with reference to access to their vaginas that it becomes utterly opaque?

DoctorTwo · 01/05/2014 15:18

It's a man thing

As others have pointed out, it really isn't. It's a lack of respect thing.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/05/2014 15:24

Is there ANY OTHER CONTEXT in which men cannot understand the meaning of the word "no," or is it ONLY when women use the word with reference to access to their vaginas that it becomes utterly opaque?

I would say definitely the latter.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that none of these 'playful' husbands and partners are grabbing their friends' penises without their permission. Angry

SixImpossible · 01/05/2014 15:27

*It's not Asperger's Syndrome. I have Asperger's Syndrome. Many of my friends have Asperger's Syndrome. We comprehend "
That's exactly what I'm trying to say!

For 18 y she didn't say "stop touching me, I don't like it" - she implied it. And he did not understand. That's why he's got the huff. Of course he has to change his behaviour now that he has finally heard what she wants. To do otherwise would be nasty and entitled.

TillyTellTale · 01/05/2014 15:35

Well, so far, he's taking the nasty and entitled route, to the point his poor wife is second-guessing herself and making a thread on mumsnet about whether she was wrong to ask him to stop it.

SlimJiminy · 01/05/2014 15:54

An ex of mine was being a prick once after a few too many beers. He groped me as we were walking down the street. I punched him in the face. We split up not long after.

You are absolutely right to tell him how it makes you feel and if he whinges about being treated as a sex offender than tell him not to behave like one.

GarlicMaybeNot · 01/05/2014 15:58

Hope brotherhood comes back to her thread :)

AskBasil · 01/05/2014 16:04

Am I missing something?

Has the OP said her ex has aspergers syndrome?

Original poster
brotherhoodofspam · 01/05/2014 16:23

Yes, I'm still here. Lots of really helpful suggestions for how to phrase things, thanks everyone. particularly liked "Don't touch my sexual parts, touch me" . and DH doesn't have Asbergers or other communication problems. Actually has a job which requires a great deal of sensitivity and communication skills which by lots of different accounts he's very good at. I think it's really this one area where he's stuck in adolescence. Well hopefully not any more.Smile

OP posts:
TillyTellTale · 01/05/2014 16:26

Other people have implied or outright said it could be the issue.

turgiday · 01/05/2014 16:27

Tilly - There are always women on here making excuses for men whose behaviour is shit.

IrianofWay · 01/05/2014 16:35

I am guessing he is upset because after 18 years you told him, forcibly, that you didn't like something he had always done without knowing you didn't like it. That would make me feel fairly crap too.

However he clearly needed to be told. And I can understand how belittled you felt when you were telling him something important that you wanted taking seriously and he groped you.

AskBasil · 01/05/2014 16:35

LOL just noticed my Freudian slip

Original poster
brotherhoodofspam · 01/05/2014 16:43

Irian - I know what you mean but as other posters have said I have made it pretty clear that I don't like over the years, just perhaps not as forcefully as I did on Saturday.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/05/2014 16:58

The stories of women having their breasts/nipples/bums groped day after day in their own homes make my SKIN CRAWL. It's not about being sexy, it's about entitlement.

^^
This.

And to do it when she's poorly is beyond a joke.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/05/2014 17:00

Seriously though, people here don't find it absolutely bizarre that you could say to someone "I feel really shivery and unwell," and their response is: - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceed to grab them? I mean, some people see that as just 'being a man'?

He's not a doctor, is he? Can you imagine!?

Op, you don't genuinely believe he is scared too touch you now, do you? It sounds like he is fucked off that he has been told he doesn't have free reign of your body.

weatherall · 01/05/2014 17:00

He sounds very immature.

Does he treat you with respect in other ways?

CruCru · 01/05/2014 17:11

I used to have a boyfriend (when I was 17) who would wake up with a hard on and jam it into my back (at 6am). He was a bit surprised when I said I didn't like it. Tosser.

Itsfab · 01/05/2014 17:12

Recently I saw a sign for sale on a stall it said

"Sometimes no means maybe"

I can't remember the other two lines but it made me pissed off to see such nonsense and yes, I get that it was probably meant to be funny Hmm.

PrincessBabyCat · 01/05/2014 17:17

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that none of these 'playful' husbands and partners are grabbing their friends' penises without their permission.

Uhm... They're probably not grabbing other women either. Or kissing them, giving them long hugs, sharing intimate secrets... I'm not saying groping is the way to go, but generally most people treat their DP's differently than their friends.

Also, my husband is playful, but I'm fine with it. But he also knows when it's ok to do it. Like when we're playfully flirting or being coy with each other. He certainly doesn't do it when I'm sick or in a cranky mood. He knows when to give me hugs and cuddles. Honestly his first course of action when I've had a bad day is a feet massage. He just shows love through touching, and he knows how to touch appropriately. Men are perfectly capable of showing love through appropriate touching that their wives are ok with.

The difference between these guys being "playful" and my husband doing it is that their wives are NOT ok with it, and that makes it not ok. There's no respect. If someone doesn't like you doing something, it doesn't matter if it's groping or just tugging on their hair. I hate it when people touch my hair, my husband loves touching my hair. But you know what? He doesn't do it to me, because he knows I hate it. You don't purposely do something to the other person that you know they don't like. It's not that hard to get.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 01/05/2014 17:22

Mine does that. Drives me bats. Used to try to fondle a breast as we watched tv. First I was polite. Then implied I wasn't, moved, etc to make the hand drop. Later I swatted it. After a year I jumped off the sofa screaming DO THAT AGAIN and I WILL CHOP IT OFF

Took nobody tells you how to handle sexual etiquette. So your polite til the point you Bobbit him. For me it's the 'possession' implied. Like it's not my boob but his.

Thing is if I did that to his penis he would think Xmas had come. Not to excuse them but I really do think men think differently. If you ain't blunt they just don't get it. Children!