To loathe inverted-martyrism

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Just a lighthearted-ish rant

I'm sick of hearing /reading people putting others down because they don't want to play superwoman or be a martyr

For example when I gave birth to DD I rested up for weeks because of a difficult birth and all I heard and read on another baby site that rhymes with baby tenter was things like "really, you rested?! After I had DS I leapt up, packed my hospital things away, sprinted home whilst simultaneously Breastfeeding and threw a party for 70 guests that evening." Have read it on a thread today about someone wanting rest after an operation.

Fuck the fuck off!! It's ok to want to relax sometimes and not be a friggin martyr about it all!

But you're not bitter are you sarinka?

I will not regale you with my life story, but yes I agree it would be nice to just receive a little sympathy rather than 'oh yes I had that only worse and I didn't moan about it'

It's a rare thing and really only available from professionals ime.

Chippy I was the same with dd. Feel a fraud getting praise when it was her coming fast and me just having to be a passenger.

Also I was in town shopping within 36 hours of giving birth - dd was tiny and had to buy premie clothes - but only because I felt fine, not to make a point.

I didn't sit in John Lewis eating cake at all

No one hates people who cope actually, we just hate people that imply one is a weak wallower for sitting still for a bit after a major trauma.

My personal bugbear is the competitive lack of pain relief post section. A few people I know have done the 'I managed with two asprin and a cup of fennel tea' and look disapproving when you ask for some co-codomol.

I luffs you lot!!!! (Well, most of you lot, goady ones can go jump - no luffs for you).

I was quite lucky with my DMIL and DM, both of them were really supportive of resting etc. DMIL came and stayed and helped by doing everything else and letting me get on with looking after the baby.

Maybe that's why I can't click with some of the mums at the school gate, can't be doing with all this competitive martyrism!!!

My response to those who try and get snarky because I was lucky enough to have good support (and acknowledged it constantly and was very appreciative and thankful) is that I also try and give it back. I helped out my SIL loads with her newborn after she had a really difficult birth and still had a catheter in at home, my baby was 7 weeks old at the time so I could do housework for her and entertain her toddler with my baby in a sling, I was feeling good by that point (probably because I'd had lots of help myself in the newborn stage?)

I make it a rule to pop round to anyone who's had a baby and do some housework for them (or take their older kids out for a runaround - I'm better at playing than housework :) )

I also try and gently hint to pregnant friends that any amount of support they can try and plan for will be really helpful cause I think some people are just a bit unrealistic about this. It's not possible for everyone, but if you earn ok money, your husband/partner having some time off is loads more valuable than them working extra hours for more money, as some seem to do the minute a baby arrives. I offer to go round myself, I kinda hint if they get on with their mum/siblings/friends after the birth is a good time to book them up!!

Obviously there are people without partners / family /friends / people who are on the breadline and can't take time off / etc, but I've also known a lot of husbands who are very decent earners suddenly turn into workaholics as if the money is what matters most.

I also exercised loads after birth (probably too soon) so I do get sakrina's point to an extent, I didn't want to stay in and I was too excited not to be pregnant again. I also had duvet days and loads of help which was lovely. No need to sneer. It's a shame you didn't have more people around, sakrina, sounds like you really could have done with it. My SIL "could have" struggled up the stairs several times a day with a potty training toddler with her catheter in, but I'm glad I was there so she didn't have to.

I was still in my cosy hospital bed, resting, 36 hours after giving birth, being waited on and treated like a princess.

Glad I did not give birth in the UK

My mum rested a week in hospital after each baby, it was the norm back then.

Now the NHS needs to save money (fair enough, I guess), so you get more "basic" care. Again, this is probably fair enough for a NHS. Still….

Agree with op. Some. People,are just bitter twist.ed old shits

It isn't a question of competence though sarinka, that is what you aren't getting. With my infected scar I was back in hospital on iv antibiotics. When I mean searing agony,I mean before I was readmitted, I tried to walk to the other end of the kitchen and fainted. And you're telling me you'd have been up pushing a pushchair 2 1\2 miles? No you wouldnt!!! You have been lucky, that is all. I have also had abdo surgery in the past where I was up and about swiftly.

Quite seriously, im justifying what i dont have to justify (and further derailing a hitherto v enjoyable thread) because actually it is such a fundamental arrogance to believe that there are no possible circumstances in which you would be forced to slow down. Bodies and minds fail through no moral weakness of their owners. It is sad that some people have so little empathy as to only realise this when it happens to them.

But sarinka no matter what you managed to do post birth someone could still have got all competitive - "Oh you're just breastfeeding, exercising and doing your exams. Must be nice to only have a few things to juggle. I'm doing all that with a newborn, three kids under three, a teenager, disabled mother and I run the local charity shop, write the village newsletter and on the PTA. That's normal for me though. You need your rest. I couldn't possibly be as relaxed as you."

It's not about what we do, how much support we have or why we do what we do. It's about people being competitve and trying to make themselves feel good by making others feel like crap. Like you did sarinka.

And as for the 'sometimes if you have no support you just have to get on with it' - actually no, sometimes you sink

Exactly.

I think a lot of competitive martyrdom is a hangover from when women had to do all the housework, childrearing and had much bigger families. Constant hard work was badge of pride and it was also in everyone's interest (the husband's, the families, society generally) to keep the mother in her special place - doing everything for them - so she was always praised for 'getting on with it'. That was the only source of recognition for what they did.

It takes a total shift in attitude to say 'NO, I deserve a rest and I deserve to be treated kindly and taken care of' and some women (especially older ones from a generation when housework and childrearing was the main part of their identity) get a mild shock when they see this attitude. To be honest, I think that if more women did this, we'd see a more equitable distribution of housework and childcare in our relationships.

(Wonders if I've taken this thread too seriously)

jesus wept I had a DRAIN in five days after my first c section. Wouldn't matter what culture I came from, I was still going no where.

After my second section I was fine, after the third I still had SPD that left me immobile for about ten days.

Actually it is quite funny how spectacularly sarinka has missed the point of this thread

I couldn't care less who wants to rush around doing it all whilst being supermum. Life's about more than that Im not in competition with anybody nor am I only defined by what work I do. I had a good, well paid full time job before having DCs, after having them I went part-time self employed; Im glad I did, as we got lots of time to spend together and now that they're both late teens I still look back and wonder where the time went. Id have worked full-time if I had to when they were younger though, but not in a high powered or high pressure job. No thanks.

Now that they're grown I still work part-time. Time to read, rest, exercise, appreciate nature all are important to me, always have been. When the DCs were younger we did so much together, but I always had 'me' time in between, even if snatched hours. This life is a real treadmill at times & whilst I like to have 'things' Im not going all out to get them. Life's too short.

Exactly Tondelayo! What's wrong with saying 'Oh, you've managed to spend a week in bed after giving birth? Good for you, that's brilliant! I'm so glad you were able to do that'. And STOP. Say NOTHING MORE. There is absolutely no need to bloody well ruin it by saying 'I couldn't do that', or 'I had no choice but to get on with it'. An 'I wish I could have done that' is the ONLY acceptable personalisation.

I was still in my cosy hospital bed, resting, 36 hours after giving birth, being waited on and treated like a princess.

Glad I did not give birth in the UK

Where did you give birth? It sounds lovely and yep, nothing like you get in the UK. I couldn't wait to get home from the hospital when i had dd1 as it was bloody awful. (Slightly better when i had dd2 as i changed hospital.)

Recovering from a birth isn't 'wallowing'

Looking after yourself so you don't get an infection / restitched / prolapse / bladder problems isn't 'wallowing'.

Looking after yourself isn't 'wallowing'. I have a newborn and a toddler, I am making sure I take care of myself (eating, drinking, resting, minimal housework) because they both need me to be in a good enough condition to take care of them. It doesn't benefit anyone to grind yourself down and not let your body heal and recover. I think being a good mother to your children includes a duty to be good to yourself as well - you're not much good to them if you are exhausted and I'll but 'struggling on' unnecessarily. We all have to 'get on withthings' to varying extents depending on our circumstances, but it's better for everyone if you ask for and accept help where you can.

*I was still in my cosy hospital bed, resting, 36 hours after giving birth, being waited on and treated like a princess.

Glad I did not give birth in the UK*

I gave birth in a busy inner city NHS hospital and it's their preference that you stay in until your milk comes in at Day 3. They positively discourage you from discharging yourself - I was in for a week after DS1. With DS2 I could have left within 24 hours but I couldn't be arsed to get dressed and packed - so I had another night of free drugs and food being brought to me.

Does anybody remember the MNer who gave her partner a blowjob about 5 seconds after her baby was out? Beat that, overachievers!

I don't remember that, but was she maybe worried he was going to stray if she didn't do that? Maybe he was giving her reason to be really insecure?

X-post with a pretty much identical opening sentence!

Going to make myself a cup of tea now and drink it on the sofa in my dressing gown, cuddling my boys in front of Toy Story 3 :)

When dd was newborn I did my utmost to rest while also keeping a very active 4 year old entertained. Dh seemed to think I was being lazy and kept trying to give me jobs to do. I to him to fuck off a lot the doc even put a note at my dds 8 week check about it cos I was moaning. He still tries to do it now and dd is 21 weeks, she has eczema from top to toe, a cough that will not get better and she wakes 4-5 times a night and I feed her back to sleep. I'm exhausted and I still have to entertain that pesky active 4 year old and quite frankly I'm this close >-< to leaving the lot of them sometimes. I have no time to myself, and maybe I am martyr ish about it but sometimes I struggle and dh told me this morning that I'm a parent and just have to get on with it. Yes thanks dear like I didn't already know that. We are going to pil for weekend and I'm planning on offloading kids as much as poss and just chilling.

Fuck that was long and I've done no paragraphs! I'm so sorry

I gave birth in a busy inner city NHS hospital and it's their preference that you stay in until your milk comes in at Day 3.
Was this along time ago?
When I had mine (now 6 & 3) the options to stay at my inner city NHS maternity unit were 6 hours or 24 hours. There was no concern whatsoever about my milk coming in.