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AIBU?

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Original poster

To loathe inverted-martyrism

256 replies

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 30/04/2014 15:58

Just a lighthearted-ish rant

I'm sick of hearing /reading people putting others down because they don't want to play superwoman or be a martyr

For example when I gave birth to DD I rested up for weeks because of a difficult birth and all I heard and read on another baby site that rhymes with baby tenter was things like "really, you rested?! After I had DS I leapt up, packed my hospital things away, sprinted home whilst simultaneously Breastfeeding and threw a party for 70 guests that evening." Have read it on a thread today about someone wanting rest after an operation.

Fuck the fuck off!! It's ok to want to relax sometimes and not be a friggin martyr about it all!

OP posts:
weebairn · 30/04/2014 20:46

My DP is similar HearMyRoar, he is lush :)

hmc · 30/04/2014 20:55

Sorry IsChippy - didn't mean to make you blush

Atbeckandcall · 30/04/2014 20:56

Weebara, you can demand tea and cake and not even have to say please if the mood so takes you. Mil has a single mastectomy but they did some reconstruction with a muscle being used from her back. Anyway, she said it wasn't as awful as she thought it was going to be. Have these those Thanks

HaroldLloyd · 30/04/2014 20:57

YANBU I hate this with a passion.

My mother loves being a proper martyr and that's annoying

MIL is an anti martyr. That's VERY VERY annoying.

Should be banned.

Original poster
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 30/04/2014 21:28

weebara take these Thanks I hope all goes well!

parentalunit YY On the pain relief martyrs!
I only had gas and air but only because DD came within minutes of arriving at the hospital. If it had been longer I'd have bled them dry of every pain relief they had going! Some people (for some reason) feel the need to ask and when I told them "I had none, too quick" I get praised - WTF I'm not 'brilliant' I was just bloody unlucky and certainly no more deserving of praise than someone who'd has an epidural for example. I envy them buggers I felt EVERYTHING and the quickness meant the birth went tits up!

OP posts:
deakymom · 30/04/2014 22:28

ive had three children baby one i was 25 and i rested in hospital for a couple of days to be fair i had an operation so i was a bit tired when i got home i had to work my butt off because my ex was useless got drunk and painted my flat he got paint everywhere

baby two ended up in nicu i went home i had a lot of stuff to do because of my family messing my house up infact i didnt bond with my baby properly because of it

baby three husband left the house in a mess and let me clear it up while he bonded with the baby i had enough after a couple of days and asked for him back he even protested my exact words were look i gave birth and had surgery i need to rest you do something i bonded with him so much more than my first two but my house sure was messy Grin

phalanges · 30/04/2014 22:40

I breezed through my last pg and popped the baby out with minimal effort.

I then put my pyjamas on and for 2 weeks, sat on the sofa and did nothing apart from breast feed and eat and receive well wishers. I felt perfectly fine but made a conscious effort to be completely useless. It was bliss.

MummyBeerest · 30/04/2014 22:45

Yy to all this.

I'm not aspiring to "do it all." I'm here so other people can realise just how awesome they are.

Setting the bar and setting it low, I am!

TheJumped · 30/04/2014 22:52

This might be my favourite ever thread on MN

Morloth · 30/04/2014 23:21

I think I recovered so well from my births because I chilled out and rested and only did things I felt like. I had a lot of cups of tea and cake and snoozed and generally relaxed.

Was one of the many perks of being married to the most awesome husband ever. Wink

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 30/04/2014 23:23

I hear ya, OP.

nicenewdusters · 01/05/2014 00:00

A couple of years ago I encountered the "flu" martyr. My GP diagnosed "proper influenza", told me to go home and whatever it took, to stay in bed, rest etc. Just the memory of how awful I felt makes me shiver.

After several days of almost total immobility I crawled into my daughter's bedroom to peer out of the window at the street party (one of the royal events) taking place outside. I never thought that seeing my neighbours sitting at trestle tables, wearing Prince Philip masks and eating sausage rolls would make me feel weepy !

About a week later I was wobbling down the road when I encountered a lady I knew. She was aware I hadn't been around for a while and I told her why. "Oh, I've had that" she said. I asked how long she'd been out of action for. "Oh, just the weekend, I haven't got time to be ill, too much to do, just had to get on with it".

I asked if she was sure she'd had influenza, which of course she was. I couldn't have "just got on with it" if the prize at the finishing line was George Clooney in a thong holding the mother of all Thorntons Chocolate selection boxes. Aaaaah ! She wasn't the only one to come up with this sort of clap trap afterwards either.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2014 00:13

One of the problems on MN is if the first few responders on a thread are martyrs then the MNers who think "Well what is wrong with saying that I dont want my DH to go on a stag weekend when PFB is 3 weeks old and I am post CS?" dont want to post.

Threads tend to be led, not always but usually, by the first ten responses, especially on AIBU where there seems to be a playground gang pack response.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2014 00:15

And I have a theory that the martyrs are the ones who NC for a thread in relationships about unhappy they are and how their OH takes them for granted!

MummyBeerest · 01/05/2014 00:47

Bogey, I'm inclined to agree!

Appletini · 01/05/2014 01:14

I love this thread.

I wonder if the way to deal with these people is to pity them, which is what they're evidently trying to avoid.

You didn't rest after your c-section? Oh dear, what a shame, I feel so sorry for you...

Original poster
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 01/05/2014 01:19

nicenewdusters I had influenza once and I know what a true nightmare it is, it's a real bugbear of mine when people have a cold and tell you it's flu - if it was flu you wouldn't be on chuffing Facebook telling the world you were ill, and if you don't feel like you're gonna die it is not flu!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/05/2014 01:28

Early last week I had what I thought was the start of proper flu, I felt truly awful, couldnt move etc but then it turned out to be gastro. I had fever, sweats etc but it was over within a couple of days, thank heavens.

The kids had watch Yonderland so DD3 said "Mum, would you go in the garden for £50?" I said no I wouldnt so she said "Oh, you have flu" to which I replied "honey, I wouldnt go into the kitchen for 50 million quid at the moment" and she said "OMG, I think you are dying" :o

ZingWatermelon · 01/05/2014 01:29

is it weird that when it was discovered I had to have ELSC with DS4 (footling breech so absolutely no other choice) part of me was a bit pleased that at least that and my recovery won't be compared to and slagged off by various female members of family plus friends who never had one?

it was actually nice that I didn't have to listen to "well, when I had my C-section with my dectaplets I had no pain relief, the surgeon was blind and used a rusty spoon, yet two hours later I was back in shape performing the White Swan on stage"

ZingWatermelon · 01/05/2014 01:31

Bogey

Grin
Bogeyface · 01/05/2014 01:36

Oooh we are aren't we?! Wink

Original poster
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 01/05/2014 01:38

"well, when I had my C-section with my dectaplets I had no pain relief, the surgeon was blind and used a rusty spoon, yet two hours later I was back in shape performing the White Swan on stage"

Grin Grin Grin Grin

The reason I decided to leave the other baby website mentioned in my OP was because a woman posted in the AIBU asking if she WBU to refuse to bake a cake from scratch for her in laws party when she had just given birth 4 weeks ago. The replies were comical, lots of (and there's no exaggerating here) "the same day i gave birth I came home and whipped up a soufflé" and "I had my baby on the Saturday and still cooked Sunday lunch as usual, why wouldn't I, you lazy lazy bitch!". The poor OP got shot down in flames by about 200 posts.

I also remember a post about doing nothing on pre-baby maternity leave and the horror that some people showed because heavily pregnant women weren't up ladders spring cleaning or redecorating was ridiculous!

OP posts:
ZingWatermelon · 01/05/2014 01:48

Chippy

I'm Hungarian and in Hungary people don't dare to disturb the new mother and baby for the first 6 weeks - it's actually called the "babybed" period when a mother is expected to rest, recover from birth, bond with baby and she and dad (plus other kids) have a chance to get used to their new life.

yes, you can phone or offer to bring over food or help with housework or take other kids to park, but the mother's (and baby's) health are kept in mind, not the visitors wishes!
And if she is recovering quickly she will invite people over, go out, do things, but is not expected to jump for others!

when I explain this to people in the UK they look at me like I'm the blind surgeon with the rusty spoon!

Original poster
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 01/05/2014 01:52

Zing that sounds awesome! I may start a Hungary Movement to get the UK to adopt these martyr-free practices.

OP posts:
ZingWatermelon · 01/05/2014 01:55

and in all honesty after DD was born I felt really well and bounced back very quickly because I happened to have no stitches, therefore no residual pain to deal with.

I can't believe how well I was, especially compared to how long it took to recover from giving birth to DS1 (episiotomy+ forceps+PPH = traumatic birth & pain for months!)

so yes, the day after she was born I felt I was back to normal, but I still think I overdid it!

And there's no way I'd ever be that arrogant as to say that just because I felt ok others should to!
I just got very lucky with her!