Imp of the peverse - WARNING some might be odd/distressing to people who don't get this.

[elfycat]

On another thread I mentioned an act that I sort of daydream of. It's not a daydream but rather a little naughty voice/image that will never be acted on. The imp is cousin to the imp of mischief, only a bit more, well, peverse.

For me these include, but are not limited to:

Wondering what it's like to jump of something high

When reaching for a knife and DH is washing up, so I reach around him, I wonder what it would feel like to stab him (he knows this)

How it would feel to punch my 3 year old when she is being a threenager

What it would feel like to cut off your own arm (following on from the film where the rock climber had to) in particular the feeling of going through the elbow joint.

Obviously I am not going to harm myself or anyone in my family. I haven't name changed as I know it not to be a problem and SS do not be called as I am not a danger to anyone.

So anyone else understand why I am not a total nutter? And how are you other imp-sufferers getting on with the naughty one whispering in your ear.

I have had a strong urge to say something in work meetings like - "Okay I have had enough of this bullshit, I quit." But that is more of a fantasy/

It is a form of OCD AFAIK

If it becomes extreme

Yes! I do this! I never knew it was so common!

I refer to it (affectionately - not accurately, I'd imagine) as 'Thought Tourettes'.

You just can't help but sub-consciously toy with the fact that you could indeed, literally speaking, do something catastrophic in an instant, even though you never would.

I toy with the logic too, because literally speaking, there is always a 50% chance of jumping, stabbing, swerving...in the sense that I either a) Do it or b) Don't do it. (Even though in real world maths, there is 0% chance I will do it.)

I was talking to a friend just recently and my head 'went there', imagining punching her in the face. And yes, using knives or scissors, I think, 'What if I stabbed someone?!'.

In a very literal outside-the-box sense we all choose, everyday, not to do these extreme things. It's just some of us accidentally remember that we're choosing not to - I guess!

Scissors bother me. I can't hold onto a pair for too long without thinking about cutting the tip of my nose or earlobe off, I have often put scissors on my nose tip but never actually snipped.

I have been quite ashamed for years that I've had these thoughts, it never occurred to me that they can be common.

Yes to that greenwinter, so many times I have been tempted to yell 'Oh FFS none of this matters!' in meetings.

I think humans have a self destruct mode, probably helps to keep numbers down.

I quite often think about this when I'm waiting for my train
(dont worry she was completely unscathed)

I agree with MurkyMinator it's 'the fact that you could indeed, literally speaking, do something catastrophic in an instant' it has a kind of lure, similar perhaps to L'appel du vide/the call of the void as mentioned upthread?

I remember being quite surprised when I read the Sex and the City book and Carrie was walking home and fantacised about biting a woman in front of her. I didn't realise it was a common fantasy!

I used to get a horrible problem in lectures at uni where I sometimes had urges to stand up and shout. Luckily I never did, that would have been embarrassing.

I get this. Often it's a thought along the lines of what would be the worst/most inappropriate thing I could do now. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Thank you for starting this thread OP

I think it's a natural part of your subconscious rationalising the world around you and the power you have over it

I get this all the time. I used to live on the 3rd floor of an old building. The urge to jump out one of the (many) huge windows was unreal. I used to avoid the windows late at night.

I have always had the urge to leap off bridges.

Eflycat, I always note the fire escapes (I have a serious fear of fire), especially in cinemas. I've had panic attacks just sitting in cinemas, worrying about how I'd get out.

When I'm in London, on the Underground, and I feel the rush of hot air that comes before a tube, I always imagine jumping in front of the train.

When I'm on a flight, I always picture myself opening the aircraft door and depressurizing the cabin. I'd obviously never do it, and having been a hostie, know that it's near impossible mid-flight anyway. But it always creeps in to my head (worried that I'll be noted as a terrorist now).

Oh, and if I have a pair of scissors in my hand, I always think of cutting my tongue, so it's snake-like. I definitely have intrusive thoughts.

Normal is way to defined in western culture.

Sillylass79 I agree with you

Morloth, I agree with you completely. What is 'normal'?

SillyLass, I really do understand where you are coming from. We had the air raid sirens going off around here, too. In the 90's. However, just because you did yoga, had 'mindfulness', etc, doesn't mean that you understand what it is to have these thoughts. I can't 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. That terrifies me.

sillylass (who is definitely not silly) :) yours is a great post and I agree with your sentiments, particularly about the shades of normal. I wonder if those of us who get these thoughts have an inclination to OCD that may or may not be triggered in our lifetimes.

I thought everyone had intrusive thoughts. My DH and I laugh about them as he gets them. We once mentioned it to his dad and he looked at us as if we were seriously disturbed!! So we realised that lots of normal people get them - but the ones that don't think we are crackers.

My DH is the sanest man I know, I should add.

My own intrusive thoughts started during a period of extreme anxiety in my life - at a time when I probably could have done with some help for my anxiety. But I was alone in a foreign country and very young. There was no Internet etc and sadly I walked around thinking these thoughts were a sign that I was mad/bad and I feel very sorry for my younger self, looking back now. The Internet alone is amazing for these kind of discussions.

Well once home the anxiety dissipated, as did the thoughts. But I still have them from time to time and it amuses me. Mine usually occur during meetings when I want to use horrendous choice language. But even the thought of it can make me laugh, which has got me through the boredom of many a meeting . I also have them about newborns (dropping), during weddings, funerals, holding hot drinks, even trampling beautiful flowers. But it's only occasional now and a fleeting thought, like noticing a nice flower. I would never act on these thoughts and the fact I know it is why they amuse me.

In my case I have a very active mind and see these thoughts as my brain just working through scenarios. Almost as if it understands the power it has and likes to exercise it occasionally!

Thanks for the thought provoking thread,OP.

sillylass are you saying then that the mindfulness technique of calming the mind and normalising these thoughts was the way you moved out of the realm of OCD to normal intrusive thoughts?

I get the impression that you feel the mainstream diagnosis and treatment of OCD de-normalised it and therefore exacerbated it for you? If so, I can understand that.

I wish we had met when we were both similarly terrified about our thoughts. I remember feeling so alone and scared. You can't really say to a friend "I thought about throwing myself under a train today but I'm not remotely suicidal"

I am so grateful for the Internet in case my DCs ever go through it and I'm not around to reassure them.

Ah I have just read the rest of the thread.... I'm sorry to those upset by it. But everything I have read tells me that those if us who have these thoughts are actually less likely to act out these things or become violent, precisely because our brains know they are wrong.

So you are safe around us (as long as you don't know what we are thinking )

OP completely normal. We humans have the ability to use our brains to consider a wide variety of scenarios, some may be inappropriate.

I still remember the day with fondness when I discover my sister also fantasised about being a sniper on a roof and just shooting people that had annoyed us. We are both educated professionals with no violent background!

My teenage DS recent confessed to having thoughts about stabbing his step-father in the kitchen. He reassured me "I won't mum, I promise, it just keeps coming in to my head". I don't think he was expecting me to say that "I also want to stab your step-father in the kitchen, so might beat you to it". He cried he was so relieved that these occasional inappropriate and intrusive thoughts can be completely normal. He laughed when I told him about mine and his aunties sniper fantasies.

Yes, I get this from ime to time. Apparently the jumping off tall buildings thoughts (notable when I am at the top of castles with history mad DS) is a form of vertigo.

I had severe PND which meant my thoughts about driving into big trees at high speed became never ending. Not the best point in my life, but as the PND receded so did the thoughts. I just accept the occasional intrusive thought as part of my normal thought pattern.

Fear of irrational impulse

I get it sometimes - when high up or on train platforms.

I'm not depressed (that I'm aware of - ha!) - I just get this occasional flash of worry that my body might decide to do something like step off the edge - and I wouldn't be able to stop it. It's weird!

Sillylass another one who thinks your post was not silly at all I've done mindfulness in the past and it has helped with times when I've been over irritated with everything. I decided not to be any more. I paid attention to my thoughts then dismissed them, paying attention to more positive and less spiky ones. It took a while to get the hang of it but you have to forgive yourself if you slip up.

Thoughts are not actions.

I had one when I had newborn, prem DD1 home. My cat would come for attention, but after a day of co-sleeping and BF I was all touched out. I'd think of throwing him across the room at the wall. That was 5 years ago. He's purring on my lap and has never been thrown. Probably the only time I've ever been worried about actually doing something. Sleep deprivation and postnatal hormones (I didn't have PND, this was the 4-5 day thing) I told DH about it and he took the cat off to give me a break and told me I sounded like my normal self.

Sillylass - I totally agree about the danger of attributing importance to the thoughts.
When I was diagnosed with PND I was terrified by the thoughts. I didn't know of anyone else who had them and concluded (at the time) that it was part of the illness. I didn't tell anyone about them for fear that my children would be taken away. I ended up attributing a massive amount of importance to them and decided that they must surely mean I was evil. This then perpetuated the idea that I really should go and jump offa bridge as the world would be a safer place without me in it. All this because Ididn't realise the thoughts were actually normal.
The turning point came when a good friend of mine also had violent thoughts but she found them quite "amusing" in a way.
Like I said before, I now see these thoughts as actually quite a good thing. The very fact I have them means I'm less likely to carry them out. I think the real danger are people whoact upon "blind rage" and commit an act before they've thought about It.

Sorry for all the typos, my stupid tablet won't let me do spaces on some words!