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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in asking can she go elsewhere

161 replies

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:07

I feel bad in that I would like my friend to leave our house now. Few months ago she was admitted to mental health ward. Previous to this she would turn up at my house numerous times with the police bringing her here in a state. Issues with dp and their children,social services involvement. In short she has problems with alcohol and other addictions and has mental health issues. As do I and I'm on meds at the moment. Whilst going through my own personal issues.
We have been friends for years but lost touch I. The past 6/7 years only waving at each other in passing. She has now been released from hospital and asked me if she could stay here for a couple of days as she is homeless. That was fine with me as I wouldn't want to see anybody out on the street. We are now three weeks in and she is still here on the sofa. Arguing with her family,partner, shouting, crying on the phone and falling into a heap on the floor. This is a regular occurance morning and through the evening. Talking to other patients who tell her they are going to kill themselves, then going into hysterics at me telling me and what should she do.I have a ds who now stays up in his room to avoid this and it's not fair on him as he shouldn't have to see this. It is changing our relationship as I don't spend anytime with him because of supporting her. I must sound like a shallow friend but I am finding it draining,AIBU in asking her if she could find somewhere else to go. Please don't flame me just want some advice

OP posts:
OddFodd · 01/05/2014 11:23

Well done for getting her out. Can you block her number? If she comes back, don't open the door and tell her you'll call the police if she doesn't go away. And yes, take photos of the damage she did.

I'm really sorry it's come to this but I hope it gives you a bit more confidence in yourself. You've dealt with a really tough situation really well. :)

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 11:32

I can't understand why she felt the need to stand there and throw the wine up the walls. It's our home and she has shown disrespect to it and us. I wouldn't go into her home (when she had one) and do that. I really went off at her this morning and she stood there acting surprised and innocent saying it was an accident!! I was shaking and crying through anger. She tried to minimise the damage she has done.she knows better than to come back here again as she has never seen me in a rage before and I think it made her realise that she is a selfish piss taking user.
I can't and won't help her ever again.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2014 11:34

Well done for getting rid of her she isn't in the frame of mind to consider anyone but herself right now.

Could you paint over the wallpaper for now if you don't want to have to strip it?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/05/2014 11:37

She could well have been is a pissed rage with someone over a phone call or text and chucked the wine; luckily it was only at the wall not at you or your DS.

One positive thing is that it gave you the strength to get her out of the door now. You should be proud of yourself Thanks.

ShakkaKhan · 01/05/2014 11:37

Well done OP for showing her the door. You've been such a kind friend to her and she really threw it back in your face. Hope she manages to get some help with her addiction and other problems, you have actually helped her by making her leave.

Tip for the wall: vanish stain remover stick has removed red wine splashes from my white walls before, might be worth a try before resorting to repainting/wallpapering.

Stropzilla · 01/05/2014 11:39

You've done really well. I was in the same sort of situation where a friend stayed for a few days, and it ended up being 5 weeks. After no sign of finding a job, and every attempt ended up with him getting "lost" and finding a pub instead I had to make him homeless. It was awful. A few years later, he's still drifting but has realised his behaviour was not on and we are on speaking terms again.

I hope your friend gets the help she needs, and you can move on from this and you and your ds are ok! You are right you don't need this on top of what you are going through. Put yourself first, noone else will!

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 11:41

I have wallpapered the house myself so will be able to do it again at some point. Don't want to paint over it as it will look a bit dodgey.it was only decorated 3 months ago and is why I'm so angry it took me a whole day on my own to put the paper up on one wall and paint the others. I also laid the lino on my own and was pleased with myself when it was finished. Then she comes and ruins my hard work!
All of her bags and things have gone even though she whinged about where will she go with it all. I said I don't give a shit!

OP posts:
DenzelWashington · 01/05/2014 11:47

Hold you head up high, OP. You've been much kinder and braver in helping her than most people would have been. The fact that it has come to this is very much your 'friend's' fault, not yours. You gave her a chance to get herself together, she wasted it.

glasgowstevenagain · 01/05/2014 11:51

for the sake of a few rolls of wallpaper and some extra stress she is now out your life for ever.

Good result....

AMumInScotland · 01/05/2014 11:53

Wednesday morning you told her she had to go.

Wednesday evening she deliberately spoilt something nice of yours that you had taken time and trouble over.

It's just plain nastiness, I'm afraid. I very much doubt it was an accident, or that she was so drunk she wasn't thinking.

Well done for getting rid!

BathroomDrama · 01/05/2014 12:04

Well done love.

You sound angry enough not to be taken in by her when she calls/comes knocking, so that's a good start.

You have more than enough going on in your own life, without her crap too. You and DS both deserve peace & quiet in your own home.

She wont have to sleep rough, there are other options out there and she will get professional help if she isn't being bailed out by friends.

You tried to help her, she threw it in your face - do not feel bad & do not cave in!

MaryWestmacott · 01/05/2014 12:15

As to why she did it, drunken spite. She was thinking, she was thinking about hurting you, just not making the next logical step aboutwhat you'd do once she hurt you.

And of course you know she'll try to minimise this, when she tells people about this, you will have totally over-reacted to her "spilling a bit of wine" - rather like all the sob stories shes told you, why all the bad things have happened to her are not really her fault.

In my experience, sadly, alcohol doesn't change people, it just makes them act the way they'd like to when sober but social convention/fear of concequences stops them. People who are flirty and want to shag someone else do so when drunk; angry people putting on a smile to the world become shouty and/or aggressive drunks; and spiteful, selfish people (like your friend), who don't really care about others, do things like this - petty and nasty behaviour.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 12:17

AmuminScotland yes my thoughts exactly when I saw it and there was no way she tripped over as she said she did. I believe it was on purpose because of the way the wine stains have been thrown and splashed on separate parts of the wall. I can't see that any wine glass has been broken.its clear to me she has done it out of spite but claims it was an accident.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 01/05/2014 12:20

of course "it was an accident" - to say anything else would require her to take responsiblity for her own actions, and if she was capable of that, she wouldn't have run out of people to help her.

orangeone · 01/05/2014 14:25

Well done OP. I am sorry it had to happen like that, but the end result is positive. You seem like a lovely person. Take care of yourself and your DS now, that's what's important. Good luck. X

KitKat1985 · 01/05/2014 17:10

Sorry to hear about the damage OP although in a way I think her finally making you angry enough to find the courage to throw her out was probably the best thing that could have happened. And yes, I also sincerely doubt it was an 'accident'. Do not let her in the house again, no matter how sad the sob story she tries to tell you is.

teenybash7 · 01/05/2014 18:03

I'm so glad she has gone. You are such a kind person and I feel so sorry that your help has been abused. Well done for getting rid of her and I hope you and your DS have a lovely evening together.

Good luck with all your other problems. You are one strong woman!

sykadelic · 01/05/2014 18:32

Well done OP! I'm glad she's gone but sorry for your wall papering.

I also agree with taking photos of it just for your own piece of mind.

Maybe you could get your son involved in picking out the colour or something to help him "refresh" the house in his eyes as well? I don't recall reading how old he is (just primary school age) but maybe this would help him. Maybe even a fun night in watching a movie of his choice and popcorn or other favourite snack?

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 18:50

Ds was upset this morning saying why has she done that.
She has shown ds no respect either in damaging his home suppose she never stopped to think about that whilst throwing the wine. I keep looking at it and some wine goes to the left and some to the right.One stain is large with dotted wine stains. Some stains are over the skirting and some are on woodwork around the door.If she had tripped the stains would be concentrated on one area but they go from from corner to corner.
Her dp says I shouldn't be to hard on her as she's got problems! She hopes we can be friends again when I have calmed down!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/05/2014 19:01

I don't think she really was your friend, OP. She was just using you. How lovely for your ds though. You can now tell him she is gone and she is not coming back. He will be so happy.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 19:22

Thankyou all for your kind words of advice. I have had a few tears today mainly because I'm hurt that a so called friend has preyed on my kindness and use me for her own advantage in this way. I won't be first in the que to help again. A poster mentioned the freedom program and I will look into it tomorrow as I'm fed up of being taken the piss out of and me seeming like an easy touch. Lots of cuddles have been given to ds and an outing planned for us at the weekend.

OP posts:
Greypuddle · 01/05/2014 19:38

Well done. You're not an easy touch any more. You've found your rage! Keep it!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/05/2014 19:55

Freedom Project sounds like a good idea, might build your confidence. You've absolutely done the right thing. However guilty or sorry or sympathetic you might feel in the future, you have limited financial, time, energy and emotional resources. Your son needs most of them. You have a duty to try to keep yourself well for him. You cannot take on any more than you can cope with for fear of jeopardising your own health.

teenybash7 · 01/05/2014 19:56

You're only an easy touch because you have a kind heart. That's not a bad thing to be.

Blu · 01/05/2014 20:20

I am in awe of anyone who can wallpaper their room and lay lino - well done. I think the Freedom Programme would help you have the same confidence and strength in dealing with people like your friend. I think health Visitors, GPs, and Women's Aid can pint you to your nearest course. This for example is the N Kent contact, or the general website. The people I know who did it found it a really positive experience. You don't have to have endured physical domestic abuse - it caters for women who have experienced emotional or financial abuse too.

I fond it interesting that her DP is making excuses for her and looking to deny the impact of her behaviour - it seems she expects to go from one support to the next until they reach the end of their patience, and never has to take any responsibility.

Don't get into arguments with her or her DP about the details of whether it was an accident or not -the wine was a last straw in a range of her abuses against your home, peace and time. So what if it was an accident - what changes? Nothing! It wasn't an accident, of course, but whatever it was , she took the piss and you've had enough.

Well done!

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