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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in asking can she go elsewhere

161 replies

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:07

I feel bad in that I would like my friend to leave our house now. Few months ago she was admitted to mental health ward. Previous to this she would turn up at my house numerous times with the police bringing her here in a state. Issues with dp and their children,social services involvement. In short she has problems with alcohol and other addictions and has mental health issues. As do I and I'm on meds at the moment. Whilst going through my own personal issues.
We have been friends for years but lost touch I. The past 6/7 years only waving at each other in passing. She has now been released from hospital and asked me if she could stay here for a couple of days as she is homeless. That was fine with me as I wouldn't want to see anybody out on the street. We are now three weeks in and she is still here on the sofa. Arguing with her family,partner, shouting, crying on the phone and falling into a heap on the floor. This is a regular occurance morning and through the evening. Talking to other patients who tell her they are going to kill themselves, then going into hysterics at me telling me and what should she do.I have a ds who now stays up in his room to avoid this and it's not fair on him as he shouldn't have to see this. It is changing our relationship as I don't spend anytime with him because of supporting her. I must sound like a shallow friend but I am finding it draining,AIBU in asking her if she could find somewhere else to go. Please don't flame me just want some advice

OP posts:
MamaMumra · 29/04/2014 23:24

I agree with Denzel ^^

Tomorrow morning when she goes to her appointment text her and say she can't come back. It's shitty you are going through this after what has obviously been a difficult time for you and your DS. Thanks

MidniteScribbler · 29/04/2014 23:33

Tell her to leave and then change the locks. If she attempts to come back, do not answer the door, do not engage.

Morloth · 29/04/2014 23:46

You are a not an idiot, you are clearly a kind and giving person.

What you need to do is prioritize who gets that kindness and help.

In my head there is a circle around my boys. Nothing is more important to me than them. Their needs are paramount. If I can help other people out without it 'costing' them, then no worries, the minute that line is crossed they 'win'.

The only time there will be conflict for me is if I ever have to choose between them.

It will be hard, but you need to think like that.

You are in another abusive relationship right now. She knows that you are passive and shy away from confrontation, that is why she is on your couch and not someone else's.

Selks · 30/04/2014 00:12

Please, you need to tell her to go. You really do need to do this.

sykadelic · 30/04/2014 00:41

Agree with the others saying to send her a text telling her that she can't stay anymore and will need to find somewhere else to stay the rest of the time.

Preferably have someone there to hand her her possessions which you have already bagged up.

If she refuses to leave, call the police. You NEED to protect yourself and your son. She is an adult and does not need you. Your son does.

Also, I don't know how it is in the UK, but in most other places I know of, 30 days of living somewhere gives someone tenants rights (need to give them 30 days notice, can't just change the locks etc etc) so get her out asap!

kentishgirl · 30/04/2014 07:47

She has no tenants rights and will not get any, so don't worry about that.

AramintaDeWinter · 30/04/2014 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 30/04/2014 10:39

Another vote for tell her to go. If she is out of the house tell her she can't come back today, she needs to find somewhere else.

Addiction is like a new born baby, it has no consideration, it thinks about getting itself fed and that's it. She is an addict, she cannot think about you or care about you, she can only think about herself.

You have been a better friend than she knows, and locking her out is also part of being a good friend.

If she's homeless then she will be found a place in a hostel by the council. Ideally she should be in a hostel for alcoholics where she will not be able to drink, but, that is not your problem.

You have to throw her out, for you, for your ds and for her.

TheTertiumSquid · 30/04/2014 10:43

Give her a deadline to leave e.g. end of week. If she isn't gone by that day, get her to pack her things. Drive her to local council housing office, drop her outside, declare her homeless. (If you don't drive, send her in a taxi).
It will take balls on your part, OP, but she will be rehoused.
And you and your DS will be safe.

FrankelandFilly · 30/04/2014 10:43

Agree you need to lock her out. Pack her things in a bag and leave them outside then bolt the door. If you've given her a key contact your landlord and say you need the locks changed. Be strong.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/04/2014 10:54

I agree with the advice to lock her out if you can. I don't think you are up for a confrontation with her. You are a kind person and she has manipulated that kindness because addicts are basically selfish because the addiction is so overwhelming. Nothing matters more to her than her addiction right now, she's put it ahead of her own children so she clearly isn't going to consider your feelings.

Protect yourself and your DS - you are not in anyway responsible for the choices your adult friend makes nor the consequences of those choices.

aermingers · 30/04/2014 10:55

Social services will try and palm her off on you if they can. And if you say you will let her stay with you until something else is found it will take a long time for them to find anything (if ever).

Take her to social services office or the housing office, tell them she is homeless (give her a letter telling her she is to leave with immediate effect) and leave her there.

It's being cruel to be kind because she will not be rehoused and get the support she needs when they think they can dump her problems on you.

And you are not qualified or able to help her properly.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 30/04/2014 12:20

Have had a talk with her this morning and told her that she needs to be proactive in finding somewhere by Friday. I also told her that I'm no longer prepared to risk my ds safety or my tenancy being breached. She said the council won't help and if she can't find anywhere to go she will go on the street stressing her more. She left the house in a strop and haven't seen her since

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady13 · 30/04/2014 12:25

Just to repeat what others have said:

She is not your problem.

She is causing stress for you and your son.

You've done everything you can.

You sound absolutely lovely, but she needs to start looking after herself - she has lots of agencies she can approach for support and assistance, she just hasn't done so because it's easier to leach off you.

Pheonixisrising · 30/04/2014 12:27

I can't add anything to wonderful advice you have been given , however I have been in the same situation

when it started to affect my children I asked them to leave ( after they got so pissed they nearly set my house on fire ) they got really stroppy ( like I was solely to blame for all of their problems )

I had effectively put my life on hold to help them , as you do with friends , and got it thrown back in my face - never again

be prepared for this and for them to drop all contact as you will be no help to them ( their words ) i.e enable them to carry on as they please

deep breath and do it - and make sure they don't have a key

Fathertedfan · 30/04/2014 12:30

Well done. Have you given her a key? If you are in social housing the landlord won't pay to have the lock changed and I doubt a private landlord would at their expense. So if you have given her a key I'd get it back now before she gets another cut - or have a ring round before the weekend and get quotes for a locksmith to do the work in 'office hours' as an out of hours emergency lock change is pretty expensive.

MaryWestmacott · 30/04/2014 12:33

well done. Not easy, but she's wrong, if she really doesn't have anywhere else to go, the council will find her somewhere, it just won't be ideal.

You have to put your DS first.

Goldmandra · 30/04/2014 12:45

She's probably 'in a strop' as a way to get your to back down. She could now have all sorts of problems and crises to try to get you let her off and allow her to stay. Stand your ground.

You need to be calm and clear and perhaps offer to sit with her while she makes some calls to try to get accommodation. Tell her that if she finds nothing she can arrive at the council offices on Friday morning homeless and they will then be responsible for finding her an emergency hostel place.

Try hard not to lose your temper or fall out with her. None of you needs that sort of stress. Just make it clear that you are risking too much and it's time for her to move on.

If you start to feel guilty, remind yourself that while she is still drinking, her life isn't going to improve so nothing you can do now will make any positive difference to her. You're currently just enabling her liver damage.

Do you have any trusted friends in RL who can be around to support you and help you talk to her? Could someone be with you on Friday evening in case she doesn't like what's offered to her and decides to try to come back?

LineRunner · 30/04/2014 12:48

And that needs to be Friday morning that she arrives at the council offices with her bags. Don't let her wait till they are closing on Friday afternoon so she has another excuse.

Goldmandra · 30/04/2014 12:51

And that needs to be Friday morning that she arrives at the council offices with her bags.

Yes. Kick her out of bed in time to be on the bus that gets her there at 9.00am.

ChasedByBees · 30/04/2014 13:00

Yes, what everyone else says. She may try emotional manipulation but hold firm. You've done exactly the right thing.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 30/04/2014 14:43

I just wanted to correct the misconception that the council have an automatic duty to house her if she is officially homeless - as a single person with no dependents (her children are housed with her partner) this does not apply, unless she is additionally classed as vulnerable, which her health issues may qualify her as. At least that is my understanding from volunteering at homeless shelters. Alternatively, social services may have a duty to house her due to her mental health problems.

Aside from that I agree with everyone else - she is not your responsibility, you've gone above and beyond already, she needs to leave your house. If the council do not class her as priority need/vulnerable then they will offer her advice and contacts with local homelessness organisations/shelters etc where she would find a safe bed, and support to organise housing benefit, get herself into secure accommodation, and support to deal with her addiction if she wants it.

DenzelWashington · 30/04/2014 15:19

I hope you are alright OP, and not feeling too overwhelmed by all this.

MamaMumra · 30/04/2014 15:25

Pack her bags. Leave them outside. Lock up and head out for the night.
She's an alcoholic. Please get you and your som away from this woman.

BubbleRap · 30/04/2014 15:55

Your primary age son stays in his room to avoid her?

You wouldn't leave her alone with him??

FFS are you for real? Get her OUT of your house! Never mind pussyfooting around her feelings! What about your son? Why is he not coming first?!