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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in asking can she go elsewhere

161 replies

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:07

I feel bad in that I would like my friend to leave our house now. Few months ago she was admitted to mental health ward. Previous to this she would turn up at my house numerous times with the police bringing her here in a state. Issues with dp and their children,social services involvement. In short she has problems with alcohol and other addictions and has mental health issues. As do I and I'm on meds at the moment. Whilst going through my own personal issues.
We have been friends for years but lost touch I. The past 6/7 years only waving at each other in passing. She has now been released from hospital and asked me if she could stay here for a couple of days as she is homeless. That was fine with me as I wouldn't want to see anybody out on the street. We are now three weeks in and she is still here on the sofa. Arguing with her family,partner, shouting, crying on the phone and falling into a heap on the floor. This is a regular occurance morning and through the evening. Talking to other patients who tell her they are going to kill themselves, then going into hysterics at me telling me and what should she do.I have a ds who now stays up in his room to avoid this and it's not fair on him as he shouldn't have to see this. It is changing our relationship as I don't spend anytime with him because of supporting her. I must sound like a shallow friend but I am finding it draining,AIBU in asking her if she could find somewhere else to go. Please don't flame me just want some advice

OP posts:
Original poster
IscreamUscream · 30/04/2014 16:15

I'm attending citizens advice,my support worker,my gp appointments,police and housing meetings myself at the moment. I really don't have time or energy to sit with her and go through her accommodation. Other than that she has to leave my house.
Bubble I am under great strain at the moment trying to keep things together for ds and myself. I really can't deal with her shit ontop of my shit anymore. I do put my ds first, she said two days and is now taking the piss. She doesn't have a key to the house. If I'm out and she wants to get in I get a phone call saying how long are you going to be.
I'm grateful for all the advice given here. I'm truely drained and just want me and ds to have time together again in our home.

OP posts:
BubbleRap · 30/04/2014 16:43

You're under strain and can't cope with her shit. EXACTLY. So bag up her stuff, put it on the doorstep and don't let her back in. Then block her number. Problem solved.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2014 16:48

IScream - do you have any friends who could come round and support you whilst you do what BubbleRap and others have suggested, and pack her stuff up, lock the house up and refuse to let her back in? If you don't, I would suggest packing her stuff, leaving it for her, and going out for the evening. When she rings, tell her that's it, she can't come back in.

If she is homeless, the council will have to find her somewhere to stay, even if it is only a hostel, to start with.

Actually, if you kick her out now, it could make it easier for her to get accomodation than if she has somewhere safe to stay - I would assume that bumps her down the list behind people who are homeless.

Shewhowines · 30/04/2014 16:58

Well done for being so strong and to have the conversation with her this morning. A fantastic effort considering the strain you are under.

Others are right, she will ramp up the emotional manipulation now, but stay strong and keep repeating what you have said. Don't apologise, don't get into discussions, just keep saying what you have. Don't give into any guilty feelings. You have gone above and beyond already. Keep saying "I am doing this for my son" to yourself. That will keep you strong.

Friday morning - that's it. She's out. If she gives you grief before then, then she needs to go immediately. Say you are being more than fair and if she's going to be awkward then she has to go right now. And mean it.

Hope it goes well

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/04/2014 16:58

Glad to hear she doesn't have a key. Pack up her bag and put it outside then turn your phone off.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2014 17:03

Lock her out. Call the police.

NatashaBee · 30/04/2014 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangeone · 30/04/2014 19:01

Please pack her bags and leave them outside. Do NOT let her in. Reconnect with your DS tonight in your home. Your 'friend' is causing you untold grief and is potentially jepodising your situation. If she is a danger to her children, I can promise you that social services will not take kindly to her contact with your son. And it's your job as his mother, to keep him safe. If social services have any doubts that you are unable to do this, then they may intervene. Your 'friend' is not a friend. A true friend doesn't risk upsetting and putting strain on their friends. Your 'friend' needs professional help, which unfortunately she won't get all the time she is with you and you are picking up the pieces that services should be picking up. Don't feel guilty, take care of yours and your sons mental health before anyone else's....
PS: I say this as a mental health professional.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 10:24

Woke up this morning and went into my kitchen to be greeted with red wine spilt over kitchen floor,table broken and wine splashed over the wall. Needless to say I was absolutely fucking fuming. Got ds to school came back she was asleep on the sofa. Woke her and told her to get her stuff and get the fuck out of my house.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 01/05/2014 10:25

Well done Smile

Has she now gone?

FrankelandFilly · 01/05/2014 10:30

Well done you. If she doesn't shift don't be afraid to call the police to remove her.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 10:32

I gave her half an hour to pack and get out,she laid the tears on.i told her that she is not welcome to come back and how dare she treat our house like that after I have been very patient.she has gone and I really don't care where.

OP posts:
FrankelandFilly · 01/05/2014 10:34

That's great! Really well done to you. Sorry you've got the mess to clean up but at least she's gone for good.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 01/05/2014 10:37

It's obvious to me that she had stood in the kitchen and thrown the wine on the wall from the way of the stains. It was only put up 3 months ago and now I'm gonna have to strip the whole bloody wallpaper and replace it. She has really pissed me off made me so angry that I was shouting at her. I made sure that ds was dropped off at school first and not in the house. He was upset that she had done that the selfish fucking cow only thinks about herself.

OP posts:
DenzelWashington · 01/05/2014 10:52

Thank goodness for that. Well done, I hope you and your DS get some peace now. Don't have her back in, however much she pleads.

LineRunner · 01/05/2014 10:54

Well done. I'm so sorry it got as far as her damaging your home, though.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/05/2014 10:58

Well done you.

I was hoping you would be able to get her out under less stressfull conditions (for your sake) but in the end, the result is the same.

Think of the replacing of the wallpaper in a similar way to getting long hair cut short or a new hairstyle after a breakup with a bloke. All about new beginnings and new starts.

Would you consider stripping the wallpaper and getting some of the new Dulux wipe clean paint instead of more wallpaper?

PrimalLass · 01/05/2014 11:08

Take pictures of the damage she has done and if she comes back then call the police.

Blu · 01/05/2014 11:09

Good grief!

I am very pleased she has gone.

Good luck, OP - don't answer her calls, and if she comes to your door and won't leave call the police. She is not your responsibility, she has abused your home, hospitality and patience.

When you can, maybe get some help with assertiveness? Did you do the Freedom Programme as part of leaving your latest abusive relationship? You will feel SO less stressed if you avoid situations foisted on you by others. "But she has put me in a position..." Nope - you allowed her to put you in a position. With a little help you can find ways to easily and confidently not ever be 'put in a position' agaion.

I wish you luck - celebrate the freedom of your home when your DS comes home from school and don't stres too much about the wall. Sponge it down as best you can and relax.

superhands · 01/05/2014 11:13

If she does come back under no circumstances let her in. If she keeps banging on your door, call the police.

eddielizzard · 01/05/2014 11:14

well done. as awful as it was, you have to put your ds first. you tried, but you can't fix things for her. she has to take responsibility too.

AlpacaYourThings · 01/05/2014 11:20

Well done, OP.

MinesAPintOfTea · 01/05/2014 11:20

Well done. Stick to that and at least keep a photo of the damage to your wall so you don't weaken. Sorry it had to get so bad before she went.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 01/05/2014 11:20

Well done for getting her out. Sorry about the damage though. You and your son will be much happier with her out of the house.

LineRunner · 01/05/2014 11:22

Can you manage the redecorating, or will you need help?

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