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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in asking can she go elsewhere

161 replies

IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 13:07

I feel bad in that I would like my friend to leave our house now. Few months ago she was admitted to mental health ward. Previous to this she would turn up at my house numerous times with the police bringing her here in a state. Issues with dp and their children,social services involvement. In short she has problems with alcohol and other addictions and has mental health issues. As do I and I'm on meds at the moment. Whilst going through my own personal issues.
We have been friends for years but lost touch I. The past 6/7 years only waving at each other in passing. She has now been released from hospital and asked me if she could stay here for a couple of days as she is homeless. That was fine with me as I wouldn't want to see anybody out on the street. We are now three weeks in and she is still here on the sofa. Arguing with her family,partner, shouting, crying on the phone and falling into a heap on the floor. This is a regular occurance morning and through the evening. Talking to other patients who tell her they are going to kill themselves, then going into hysterics at me telling me and what should she do.I have a ds who now stays up in his room to avoid this and it's not fair on him as he shouldn't have to see this. It is changing our relationship as I don't spend anytime with him because of supporting her. I must sound like a shallow friend but I am finding it draining,AIBU in asking her if she could find somewhere else to go. Please don't flame me just want some advice

OP posts:
nowahousewife · 29/04/2014 14:02

OP, your desire to be a supportive friend and 'not to offend' her is actually enabling her addiction problems. She is not in recovery as she is still drinking and an alcoholic will out their need to feed their addiction before anything in this case before her own children let alone you or your son. She has to hit rock bottom before she can choose to help herself, you providing her with a safe haven is not actually helping her.

You do not say how old your son is but he should not have to stay in his room because he does not feel comfortable in his own house. Your priority is your son and family.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and I know you are really trying to help your friend but you are only prolonging her illness.

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 14:03

She isn't allowed to see her children unsupervised. My ds is primary school age and I never leave them alone together at anytime. SS have classed her as a danger to her children and are involved. She does go out in the day to meetings and comes back here in the evenings agitated, crying with erratic behaviour talking at hundred miles an hour and I have to tell her to please calm down.
Ds asks when is she going to go and goes off to his room.
I feel that it's having an effect on him and we as a single patent family are normally so close spending time together in our house.

OP posts:
nowahousewife · 29/04/2014 14:04

X post with linerunner

RobotLover68 · 29/04/2014 14:09

your primary duty is to your son - YANBU - get her out

24again · 29/04/2014 14:10

Just tell her to leave. Give her a deadline and stick to it. If the council class her as homeless then they have to provide her with accomodation even if it's a B and b or a hostel. She will not get better if she is still drinking. You have to put your children first.

lapetitesiren · 29/04/2014 14:12

I'"m sorry, I havent read the whole thread but if she is not allowed to see her own children without supervision your own child may be at risk. You could help her to ask for housing/ hostel as she will be homeless. You have a duty to care for your child first- you' ve been a lovely friend so don' t feel bad or pressured to do more but you must put your own child first or you could be accused of failing to protect him- you don' t know for sure what has happened with her children. There are other ways you can support her without actually having her in your home. Good luck and I hope you find a solution.

ChasedByBees · 29/04/2014 14:13

She has to go - you're in danger of SS wondering about the safety of your son and he already finds her a disturbing presence in your home. You have been more than fair and kind but she's going to drag you down too.

basgetti · 29/04/2014 14:14

Your son doesn't deserve to be exposed to this in his own home where he should feel happy and safe. Tell her to go.

LineRunner · 29/04/2014 14:15

I suspect she is entitled to emergency accommodation but she thinks that it might involve not being able to drink (ie a hostel) so she is choosing to stay with you where she can drink and behave appallingly.

Morloth · 29/04/2014 14:16

You are putting her before your son.

Are SS really OK with this person in the same house as your child?

You have a choice, he doesn't.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/04/2014 14:17

If she is not allowed to be around her own children, why the heck are you allowing her to be around yours?!

This really has to end today.

mumofthemonsters808 · 29/04/2014 14:17

I don't envy you OP what an awful situation you are in, but you have to put your son first. You need to have a frank discussion with her about what behaviour is acceptable in your house. I'd then give her a deadline for when she has to leave. The odds are that come that date there will be a million and one reasons, for why she can not leave, but you will have to be very firm. Please don't feel guilty because you have been a very good friend but will all have our own responsibilities and your son has to be your priority.

Morloth · 29/04/2014 14:18

Where does your DS sleep, same room as you? If she is too dangerous to be near her children why is she safe to have around yours?

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2014 14:19

Hi Iscream

There isn't a nice way to persuade your friend to go if she doesn't feel like it, but she absolutely must leave, she's already done mental damage to your little boy and every evening she's there will increase it.

I know you're coming from a position of wanting to help a friend, but you are (in the nicest possible way) actually making her situation worse. Your sofa is enabling her to carry on drinking.

The hardest lesson I have ever learned is that no-one can make an addict sort her or his life out except the addict.

Wantsunshine · 29/04/2014 14:20

Why are you putting your son through this. If you do not want to tell her straight to get out say you have had a call from SS and they now want to check on your son as she is present and this is why she must leave.

crabwoman · 29/04/2014 14:22

You have been very kind and understanding, and you should be proud of that. Smile

You are worried about offending her, but surely she's being offensive herself.
Losing that last anchor may be the final push she needs. I would speak to adult social services and your local authority emergency housing team. I would also let her support team know she is still drinking.

You mention she is not allowed to live with her children. You don't really say why, but presumably it's for the disruption caused and their safety? Yet you allow her to live with your son, who is now feeling the effects oh her behaviour.
That is not acceptable, and if she fails to understand that, then that speaks volumes.

Give her a week to get out, give her as much support to do this as possible- but get her out.

Good luck OP Thanks

MaryWestmacott · 29/04/2014 14:25

OK, so you need to pick who you will put first, because her being in your home is having a negative effect on your DS. Who's more important?

She has to leave. She will be found somewhere in a hostel, but not if she's got you giving her free accomodation. If she's not allowed to see her own DCs then she shouldn't be given access to yours. It's not fair on him. Time she went. You've tried, you've not helped her, just made your own life worse.

Bithurt · 29/04/2014 14:27

If she's not allowed near her kids due to her drinking etc could you say this to her?

Original poster
IscreamUscream · 29/04/2014 14:54

She was in private house with her dp paying full rent and they are both on the tenancy. She says that she is classed as homeless because she is not allowed back home. She says she is not entitled to council housing and will have to rent privately again so is looking into housing benefit which can take a while.
I said a couple of days would be fine as that's what I thought it would be.I now how it feels to be vulnerable as at the moment we are being protected by agencies in DV. She has not told SS the address or whom she is staying with just that she is in between friends houses sleeping the night.
I think I have been rather stupid as I don't need any SS involvement on my part re ds.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 29/04/2014 14:56

This just gets worse.

She isn't a friend if she knows your situation. She is a user. An addict user.

Sorry, I know this is probably hard to hear, after all you have been through. Tell her to get herself down to the LA and declare herself as homeless. Don't listen to her twaddle. If she has income she can cope.

Wantsunshine · 29/04/2014 15:00

She has her children safeguarded you do not.
Tell her to go and declare herself homeless now. They will find her temp accommodation. She is using you. Her DP has clearly seen that her being with him will not help. You should not put your son through this.

DotToDott · 29/04/2014 15:08

She is not allowed to live with her own children and is a danger to them, so there is no way you are being unreasonable to want her out of your home and away from your son, especially as it is clear he is unhappy.

give her a firm deadline, stick to it and make it clear you will call the police on the day of she has not left.

maybe make arrangements for your son to be elsewhere at the time incase she gets nasty or out of control.

take care and look after your own health too

Morloth · 29/04/2014 15:11

She has to go ASAP or SO involvement will be exactly what you get.

I am assuming from your post about DV that you have left an abuser? Well from here it looks like you have just moved another one in.

starfishmummy · 29/04/2014 15:11

Please put your son first and ask her to leave. Ring her SW.

KitKat1985 · 29/04/2014 15:22

I'm firmly of the opinion that you can't help someone who isn't willing to help herself. If she was staying at yours and not drinking and making an effort to sort herself, then I could understand why you would feel bad asking her to leave. However, she's clearly still drinking and instead of trying to sort herself out, getting involved on a daily basis in other people's crises, and getting herself into more of a mess. I am clearly of the opinion that she's taking advantage of your good nature here, and I don't actually think she's in any rush to sort herself out, or probably making much effort to find alternative accommodation. Plus it's definitely not fair for your son to have to live with a messed up alcoholic. Ultimately, unless you want her on your sofa for the next few months you need to tell her that she needs to be out by the weekend, and don't back down on this. If she really needs to she can stay in a homeless hostel or similar. I'm not just saying this to be hard, but I don't think you're doing her any long-term favours actually by encouraging her to continue her maladaptive lifestyle from your sofa. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Also, frankly, you need to put yourself and your son first here.