To think we're too hung up about adults still living with parents

[Vintagejazz]

One of my friends is 38 and still lives in the family home with her parents. She's not a spoilt brat who still expects her washing done and her dinner ready when she gets home from work. She just gets on really well with her mum and dad and does not particularly want to move out to a flat on her own, and can't afford to buy a house in any kind of half decent area. She contributes to the household budget, helps her parents (who are getting on in years) a lot, and all three of them are happy with the arrangement.
But some people comment on it in a sad kind of way, shaking their heads and wondering when she's going to move out. My friend is aware of this and asked me recently if people think she's 'sad' to be still at home.

AIBU to think we've become very hung up about this sort of thing. Years ago it was quite common for several generations of one family to live in the same house. Now we have lots of lonely people of different generations reluctantly living on their own because there's a kind of taboo about adults not having moved out by the time they're about 25. Obviously there's lots of people who love living alone. But it's not every one's cup of tea so why can't people accept that and stop passing comments?

Yanbu at all.

I can't see either why it's so preferable to live in a rubbish area in a rubbish place. Friends are allowed to share, couples are - so why on earth not people who are family?

I think its a good idea for unmarried adult children to live with their parents. Its much better than having one or two people rattling about in a half empty house. Its good for the enviroment having fewer households. Under occupancy of property increases house prices and makes it harder for those who need to live in their own accomodiation.

It sounds like your friend and her parents have an arrangement that suits everyone.

If everyone is happy with the arrangement, what's the big deal?

Yanbu at all. It can be mutually beneficial if they can live together as friends, as adults, rather than parents and child.

Not quite the same thing but I go on holiday with my brother!

I disagree

someone at 38 and has never left home

unless there are very good reasons, health, needing support I do not think it is particularly healthy who really wants to get involved with someone who has no desire to be independent from their parents

I suppose people feel sad that your friend has not formed a significant loving relationship with someone.

YANBU. One of my brothers lives with my parents, he's 34. He works, pays rent and is one of the most considerate housemates you could imagine. They live in SE and private rental round there would take most of his salary.

I don't think so Minty. Lots of them have bought properties on their own. I think the days when people felt sorry for women who hadn't met Mr Right are gone.

YANBU.

Common sense tells me that it shouldn't be a problem, but I know when I was single I found men who still lived with their parents a very unattractive prospect. I have one friend who is nearly forty and has lived with her parents her whole life, and I can't help but think that she is missing a vital life experience. Why I feel that it's vital I'm not sure, but independence and self sufficiency is a very positive thing in my mind.

I think it's very pragmatic. DH and I would have loved to live with my parents, and they would much prefer that we lived with them. Unfortunately, career opportunities meant that we had to move, and for various reasons they're tied to my home town for the foreseeable future.

FreudiansSlipper - why do you think that you need to live away from your parents in order to stop depending on them? DH and I lived with my folks for a few months in between courses and jobs, and we just treated "our space" in the same way as we'd previously treated our own flat. We paid for all our stuff, did all our own cleaning, etc, and had a reciprocal "helping out" sort of arrangement with my parents. Living happily in that situation required everybody to show more maturity, mindfulness and consideration than when we lived separately - all very "healthy" qualities, and excellent qualifications for entering a relationship, surely?

Adults who pay their parents rent are a solution to povety in all age. Having an adult child means that medical care can be sort if the elderly parent has a crisis. They can also help with the house work and gardening.

My uncle has a lodger to help him afford the costs of living in retirement who isnt related to him. What is the difference between my uncle taking in a lodger and someone having their son living with them.

Kidults who don't pull their weight or pay their share of the bills are completely different. There is a difference between a paracitic relationship and a symbiotic relationship.

YANBU, I'm 28 and still at home (albeit I did leave briefly before being made redundant) but it's enabled me to save up a good 10% deposit and hopefully will get a mortgage... if they'll lend to me in this economy of course.

Freudian how is she not independent if she pays her way and supports her older parents? She is obviously earning. Living in the same house as someone doesn't mean you are dependent on them.

OP YANBU. When DPs divorced, my mum came to live in the area I was living in and we ended up sharing a house. I paid rent which helped her with the mortgage as before the divorce came through she was in an ambiguous financial situation, and we helped each other by cooking, cleaning, etc together. I left when I was 30 to live with DH.

Nothing wrong with it if everyone is happy!

My DBro has just moved out of our mum's house aged 45 . He's bought a house with his girlfriend (similar age to him) and off he went. He initially was at home for a long time due to not really being in a good place on a personal level, leading to him not knowing what to do with his life, then he went back to college then uni and stayed at home for financial reasons. Once he qualified and began working, my parents had an acrimonious divorce which left mum with nothing and so he stayed on and paid the mortgage and supported her financially. I'm happy for him that he has now moved on to the next stage of his life and I don't think he deserves any criticism for having stayed there for so long. YANBU.

I think there's nothing wrong with it at all op.

There's a lot of fractured broken families out there so it's nice to hear if ones that arnt.

Added to that it's no one else's business is it really.

It's totally normal to stay at home in every country apart from the one.

you had left home

going back home due to circumstances until you can move on again is different

what is going to happen when her parents are die, what life has she lead of her own how will she cope on her own

if she meets a partner how is the relationship going to be equal, she has never had independence

My husband lived with his parents during his 20s. The results of that decision is that we own our own home. He wasn't caught in the dreaded rent trap and could save up a desposit for a mortgage.

One of my siblings still lives at home, aged 34, and I think it is just plain wrong! Sorry, but there you go.

A third of his life is over and he hasn't had a home of his own yet! Its sad and unnatural, imo.

I agree. Give the high cost of housing, many people cannot afford to rent even a modest bedsit on a single wage.

It should be ok, but I wouldn't have found a man in his thirties still living at home, very attractive unless he had lived alone previously and there were extenuating circumstances. It's just wrong on an emotional level, if sensible on a practical one.

YANBU. A friend of mine lives in a cramped flat a long commute from work and in an area where there's not much community feel and it's hard to get to know the neighbours. She really hates the place but she can't afford anything better.
Meanwhile her widowed mother, who she gets on with really well, is rattling around a big house that she can't afford to heat properly and is quite lonely.
It would make so much sense for my friend to move in with her mum and contribute to the household budget. Her mother would have company and a bit more money for things like heating. My friend would live in a lovely house in a really nice friendly village, instead of in the middle of a bleak unfriendly estate.
But pride won't let her. She just hates the thought of what people would say if she moved back home. It's really sad.

"A third of his life is over and he hasn't had a home of his own yet! Its sad and unnatural, imo."

Perfectly natural in many cultures. If we stressed less about people living with their parents then we would not need so many houses.