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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we're too hung up about adults still living with parents

164 replies

Vintagejazz · 28/04/2014 22:27

One of my friends is 38 and still lives in the family home with her parents. She's not a spoilt brat who still expects her washing done and her dinner ready when she gets home from work. She just gets on really well with her mum and dad and does not particularly want to move out to a flat on her own, and can't afford to buy a house in any kind of half decent area. She contributes to the household budget, helps her parents (who are getting on in years) a lot, and all three of them are happy with the arrangement.
But some people comment on it in a sad kind of way, shaking their heads and wondering when she's going to move out. My friend is aware of this and asked me recently if people think she's 'sad' to be still at home.

AIBU to think we've become very hung up about this sort of thing. Years ago it was quite common for several generations of one family to live in the same house. Now we have lots of lonely people of different generations reluctantly living on their own because there's a kind of taboo about adults not having moved out by the time they're about 25. Obviously there's lots of people who love living alone. But it's not every one's cup of tea so why can't people accept that and stop passing comments?

OP posts:
squoosh · 30/04/2014 13:40

Yes, there's a huge difference between people who move back in with their parents for whatever reason and people who have never moved out in the first place.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 13:42

SirChenjin

You think that's an easy life? I have a couple of friends in that situation and I don't envy them at all.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 13:43

No, I wouldn't envy anyone living at home with their parents either.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 13:45

Yes, but that's not the point I was making (as I suspect you know).

OP posts:
TheCuriousOwl · 30/04/2014 13:45

When I lived with my parents (seemed silly to pay rent elsewhere when I was round there all the time anyway, I like their company) we got on fine and I wasn't 'not allowed' to do things, we live fairly similarly anyway.

I moved out and bought a flat just up the road. I'm round there a reasonable amount still, to see my parents and siblings who still live at home, we borrow things from each other and talk all the time anyway. I love my family. I wouldn't rule out living with them again in the future if circumstances were right.

DaisyMasie · 30/04/2014 13:48

I actually think it's quite immature to think anyone who still lives at home after a certain age is 'weird'. Surely maturity involves accepting that your way isn't necessarily the only way.

drspouse · 30/04/2014 13:53

DH lived with his parents in their rented social housing house until he was about 30, when he bought his own 1 bed flat (in the days when it wasn't too expensive to do so, in an area which was also v cheap).

He still lived very close and supported them through some periods of ill health (he's an only child and they were by this time not very well 60-somethings who had worked physically hard all their lives). But I can't really see that I would have had he confidence to marry him if he'd lived all his life with them. It's not that it's weird - I like that he was close to his parents - but that I would have worried he would expect me to be his Mum.

When I met him he was temporarily without a washing machine and taking his clothes home to be washed. This worried me! However he soon started spending alternate weekends at my house and it became inconvenient to do this so he bought a new machine very quickly.

He had also done a lot of travelling including driving a van of charity supplies to Eastern Europe which again gave me confidence that he was flexible and independent.

My DB (40s) lives overseas and still stores some of his personal stuff at my parents' (two) places and he also still has a credit card on my mum's account. This makes him less independent than me even though I live a lot closer, I feel.

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 13:57

Regardless of the point you were making, my point stands.

DaisyMasie · 30/04/2014 14:11

It doesn't always make sense for someone to be struggling financially in a grotty place where they don't want to live; while at the same time an elderly parent is rattling around a lonely house in a nice area. If it suits both parties to join forces and put their money into one household, why not? People really shouldn't be so judgmental - or, as in some cases on this thread, smug about themselves.
I actually feel a bit sorry for the children of some of the posters on here. I envisage them being shooed out the door with a sweeping brush as soon as they've finished school

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 14:30

Interesting....which posters on here make you envisage them shooing their children out of the door at 16/17/18? (presumably you're talking about children who don't want to go, as opposed to the many thousands up and down the country who skip off happily to university?)

halfdrunktea · 30/04/2014 16:18

As long as they're all happy with the arrangement and she isn't financially dependent on them then I don't see what the problem is. If more people lived with their parents the housing shortage and environmental damage might be lessened.

DaisyMasie · 30/04/2014 16:21

Well, most specifically one who actually said her children would be made to leave once they were 18.

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 18:24

OK - so one poster, rather than numerous posters all waiting to shoo their children out?

DaisyMasie · 30/04/2014 22:11

Yep SirChenjin, just the one. Award yourself with a nice medal.

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 22:14

No need for medals - just sticking to the facts of the thread is sufficient.

Notcontent · 30/04/2014 22:18

I am thinking of doing this in the future - ie moving in with my parents.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 22:19

Actually quite a few posters on this thread have given the impression that they would be horrified if their kids didn't move out pretty sharpish once they entered adulthood. They mightn't have specified an actual age (are you always so pedantic SirChenjin?) but I get the distinct impression some teens/early twenties will be getting heavy hints if they haven't slung their hooks by then. I too feel sorry for those kids.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 22:34

Only one has said that their child would be moving out when they were 18 though, didn't they. You can choose to take whatever impression you want from this thread, it doesn't mean you're actually correct. Equally it's pedantic v. getting your facts straight.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 22:36

Yes, only one actually mentioned the actual, specific, precise age 18. You win the prize for complete and total accuracy [yawn].

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 22:38

[yaw] right back at you

FreudiansSlipper · 30/04/2014 22:42

ds will always have a home

just after uni and maybe a year or two of saving he would want to take on his own responsibilities

if he was not wanting to do this I would feel I have failed as a parent why would I not want to be able to take on responsibility for himself

Daisymasie · 30/04/2014 22:42

And [Yawn] to you too SirChen.

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 22:44

And [yawn] back to you too Daisie Smile

Such a lot of yawns. How [yawn]

Daisymasie · 30/04/2014 22:45

Oh you can never have too many yawns when people are being pedantic.

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 22:48

Or pitying the poor children being shooed out of the family home by their wicked parents.

[yawn]

[yawn]

[yawn]