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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we're too hung up about adults still living with parents

164 replies

Vintagejazz · 28/04/2014 22:27

One of my friends is 38 and still lives in the family home with her parents. She's not a spoilt brat who still expects her washing done and her dinner ready when she gets home from work. She just gets on really well with her mum and dad and does not particularly want to move out to a flat on her own, and can't afford to buy a house in any kind of half decent area. She contributes to the household budget, helps her parents (who are getting on in years) a lot, and all three of them are happy with the arrangement.
But some people comment on it in a sad kind of way, shaking their heads and wondering when she's going to move out. My friend is aware of this and asked me recently if people think she's 'sad' to be still at home.

AIBU to think we've become very hung up about this sort of thing. Years ago it was quite common for several generations of one family to live in the same house. Now we have lots of lonely people of different generations reluctantly living on their own because there's a kind of taboo about adults not having moved out by the time they're about 25. Obviously there's lots of people who love living alone. But it's not every one's cup of tea so why can't people accept that and stop passing comments?

OP posts:
EurotrashGirl · 30/04/2014 05:23

I briefly dated a guy from Bangladesh who thought it was very strange that I lived in the same city as my parents and didn't live with them.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 30/04/2014 05:37

There are healthy and unhealthy ways to do this just live everything else. If her and her parents are happy that's all that matters. I think this is going to become more normal

Shockers · 30/04/2014 08:15

I left home at 18 because I found it extremely difficult to live my parents' strict rules as an adult. I envied my friends who had parents who allowed them to grow up whilst living in the same house; they had great relationships.

People are so different, you can't assume that everyone who lives with their parents is like Ronnie Corbett's 'Timothy' in 'Sorry'!

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 10:29

I have to say I find it sad when people adamantly insist that as soon as their children turn 18 they must move out - end of. It's as if they're running some kind of a boarding school with a defined and immovable end date.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 30/04/2014 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 30/04/2014 11:25

GoshAnneGorilla excluding a situation where they found themselves in financial difficulty or some other short term problem, yes I would indeed be devastated if my children ended up living with me in their forties. I would absolutely consider it a failing on my part. The job of the parent is to prepare your children for the world not cocoon them in the safety of the childhood home.

Other people can do as they please, it doesn't impact on me one bit but these are my feelings.

squoosh · 30/04/2014 11:27

'I have to say I find it sad when people adamantly insist that as soon as their children turn 18 they must move out - end of.'

Yes I don't understand that either, seems so harsh.

Romy75 · 30/04/2014 11:32

Like another poster stated, my dm was incapable of treating me like an adult in her home --desp

Romy75 · 30/04/2014 11:35

despite the fact that I gave her housekeeping and money whenever she was short. I was responsible but she treated me like a teenager. I could not wait to leave. Had I not attended university I would have left sooner.

Suzannewithaplan · 30/04/2014 11:49

Treating your grown up kids like children is a good way get them to move out and leave you in peaceful.
Worked for me :o

farnywarny1192 · 30/04/2014 12:10

yanbu. I am a single parent and the best thing I did was move bak in with my mum. My 25 yr old sister lives there too and we all look after one another, and I love the company.

Why be alone and depressed if you dont have to be?

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 12:15

If everyone is happy, why not...although the idea baffles me. I lived in a shared flat from the time I moved away to do my postgrad at university at 21. I loved my independence and freedom, and would like to think that our DCs will want to spread the wings in the same, rather than living with DH and I well into adulthood.

Suzannewithaplan · 30/04/2014 12:21

Suspect that's a key thing, living with parents says something about a person, ie that freedom and independence are not priorities.

Sleepingstarsmommy · 30/04/2014 12:38

DH and myself live with my mom. She's not in the best of health but doesn't want to leave her own home. We were previously used to having our own place (which are currently rented out) and it took some time for us all to adapt but none of us would have it any other way now. My DH (egyptian) would be horrified at the idea of us living separate from her in her condition for which I am extremely grateful. Being able to support my mom both physically and emotional is worth way more than the freedorm of our own place.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 12:41

Not necessarily Suzanne. A lot of people who live at home are financially independent and a huge support both practically and emotionally to elderly parents.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 12:48

But if you are supporting elderly parents practically and financially then you're not independent. The very last thing I want for my DCs is for them to be supporting DH and I in our old age - I want them out in the wide world, supporting their dreams and ambitions.

SleepNBooties · 30/04/2014 12:51

But does it say that? It would be more accurate to say that some people read that into it.

I've never lived back with my parents since leaving home either, by the way. I particularly liked it when I lived alone. I still think it's daft to say everyone has to do this and if you don't you're automatically failing to be independent. It's going to depend so much on the personalities involved, the size of the home, the reasons - all sorts of things.

grumblepuss · 30/04/2014 13:01

The problem is that if you live with your parents they still treat you like a child even if they don't mean to.

I work with someone who's never moved out. She really struggled when they went away for a couple of weeks - things like cooking dinner, making sure she had lunch for work, clothes washing etc.

Brabra · 30/04/2014 13:09

I think it does show a huge lack of adventure though. I would be quite disappointed if my children chose to stay at home. I want them to spread their wings and be independent.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 13:15

I agree it shows a lack of adventure. But so does getting married at 23 and taking out a mortgage on a 3 bed semi and staying there for the rest of your life. Not everyone wants to be adventurous, but it doesn't mean they're odd or immature.

Sirchenjin by 'support' I mean practical and emotional support not necessarily financial. I would find it sad if people who didn't put that on a level with career success etc were considered losers.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 30/04/2014 13:15

So Romy knows someone who lives at home because she

"is waiting for her Mr Right. She expects him to have a home, good job etc and she will just slot into his life."

and several posters have said they would find it hard to date / marry someone who still lived with his parents. Does this mean there is generally more of an expectation that men should move out and be independent than women? Because IME (i.e. comparing my sisters and myself to several male cousins) the opposite was most definitely the case.

But just coming back to that point about being unwilling to marry a guy who still lived at home has reminded me of a young man I know. (Well he is probably about 30 but at my age that is a young man!) Until a few years ago he rented a place by himself. He then decided to move in to a house share instead because he realised that while paying so much rent he would never save up enough for a deposit on his own house. Subsequently he got engaged and for the last couple of years has been back living at home with parents so that he could save up even more towards a house. I believe he has finally made it and he and his fiance have just moved in to their own place.

SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 13:28

That was my error vintage - I meant emotionally.

I wouldn't put looking after elderly parents on par with getting married and living with your husband (not sure what the size of the marital home has to do with it....) as an independent adult though.

Original poster
Vintagejazz · 30/04/2014 13:33

I have to say, I would. In fact, it's often a much tougher option.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 30/04/2014 13:37

Perhaps - but who wants an easy life living with and supporting ageing parents? No thanks

ChampionofWitterers · 30/04/2014 13:38

I think to get to late 30s and still be living with mummy and daddy and never having moved out IS weird, sorry.
You've never really grown up, have you? Never had a life of your own and become independent. As it's not independent to still be in your childhood home with your parents - you've never moved on or progressed in life at all.

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