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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we're too hung up about adults still living with parents

164 replies

Vintagejazz · 28/04/2014 22:27

One of my friends is 38 and still lives in the family home with her parents. She's not a spoilt brat who still expects her washing done and her dinner ready when she gets home from work. She just gets on really well with her mum and dad and does not particularly want to move out to a flat on her own, and can't afford to buy a house in any kind of half decent area. She contributes to the household budget, helps her parents (who are getting on in years) a lot, and all three of them are happy with the arrangement.
But some people comment on it in a sad kind of way, shaking their heads and wondering when she's going to move out. My friend is aware of this and asked me recently if people think she's 'sad' to be still at home.

AIBU to think we've become very hung up about this sort of thing. Years ago it was quite common for several generations of one family to live in the same house. Now we have lots of lonely people of different generations reluctantly living on their own because there's a kind of taboo about adults not having moved out by the time they're about 25. Obviously there's lots of people who love living alone. But it's not every one's cup of tea so why can't people accept that and stop passing comments?

OP posts:
SlimJiminy · 29/04/2014 13:29

It would have taken a LOT for me to have considered dating a man who still lived with his parents. What if you want to shag on the couch? As others have said, I'm not sure why I feel like this. I just do. It's nice to have some privacy away from pubs, bars, public, etc when you're getting to know someone. I'd feel different about someone living with friends or even siblings somehow. That wouldn't bother me. Silly really.

Suzannewithaplan · 29/04/2014 13:39

In order to get on in life we need to develop the ability to form alliances with people, relying on the unconditional support of parents reduces the pressure to develop those skills.

greenwinter · 29/04/2014 13:43

Suzanne - Economic insecurity is not a reason not to move out. Part of being an adult is dealing with the fact that all of us, except the wealthy, live month to month with economic insecurity. That is life for most people.

Romy75 · 29/04/2014 13:46

I know of several women who live at home.

They are not willing to struggle and are used to having a high disposable income - meals out at expensive restaurants, constant shopping sprees, hair and nails done regularly, weekend breaks and holidays.

One is waiting for her Mr Right. She expects him to have a home, good job etc and she will just slot into his life.

I left home in my early twenties. I did not have q good relationship with my dm. I struggled but loved having my own place and my independence.

Suzannewithaplan · 29/04/2014 13:51

I'm not saying it IS a good reason and I'm not condoning that justification, but it is the reason most commonly cited,

FanFuckingTastic · 29/04/2014 13:51

I think it's odd being so against it. Where I grew up in Germany the houses were shared between Grand Parents, Parents and Children as they grew older. I visited my friend at his home several times and never met his parents or grand parents because each lived on their own floor, and unless they came together to eat their lives were pretty much their own.

skaen · 29/04/2014 13:56

DH, I and our DCs live with my parents. I left home to go to university, met DH after university while living in shared houses/ rented flats and then we bought our own place.

DH changed jobs while I was on maternity leave with DD and his new job was barely commutable from our flat in north London so we stayed with my parents and paid rent to them while we moved and got settled. DH works ft, I work nearly ft, mum is retired and dad spends all day digging his beloved garden. We pay for childcare.

We found that actually we got on quite well, the house divides neatly so the only shared rooms are the kitchen and utility rooms, and my parents couldn't afford to pay the mortgage after retirement. We sold our flat in London and bought my parents house. They'll stay until either us or my parents choose to move, or if mums mobility issues get worse.

Do we live with my parents of do they live with us? Does it matter? We lived separately for 12 years, we subsidise them, they occasionally babysit but no more than many other grandparents - every few weeks not every day... Do we need to give the government a huge wodge of stamp duty to stop being so sad?

SleepNBooties · 29/04/2014 14:00

Yes the assumption that adult children sharing a house with their parents automatically means they are infantilised seems very narrow minded. Obviously that can be the case, but it's an odd thing to assume is always true given how more often than not in history different generations have shared houses, and it's really mad if that assumption is forcing people to stay in accommodation they don't like and where they can't save money (if that's what they want to do).

Fasttouch · 29/04/2014 14:04

I think there is nothing wrong with it as long as everyone is happy with the situation. Those saying it's sad and unnatural are talking nonsense in most parts of the world it is quite common. Even historically (and you don't have to go far back) it was common in the UK.

Obviously reasons differ by youngest brother is 24 went back to live at home with our dad as he got a job in London and with rent prices down there is just makes sense to do so. They get on well, he helps around the house and pays rent and is normally so busy he is hardly there. Plus he is able to save large amounts of money which he plans to use as a deposit. Money used wisely rather than spent on stupid rents for a box.

SlimJiminy · 29/04/2014 14:11

I know what you mean Romy - lots of my friends 'can't afford' to move out, but they have beauty treatments, gym membership, take-aways, lots of holidays/weekend breaks, festivals, shopping, etc. I try not to think about the differences in our disposable incomes, but wouldn't swap my home + crap social life + rubbish wardrobe for any of that. I suppose they think I'm strange for paying my mortgage every month when my parents are now living alone in the house we grew up in...

Creamycoolerwithcream · 29/04/2014 14:17

DS1 is 25 and moved out last year and that was about right for all of us. He had been working for years and earns around 22k. I worried if he stayed at home to long he would get used to spending a massive amount of money on, well nothing really. We are very close, see each other every week and message each other numerous times a day.

wannabestressfree · 29/04/2014 15:04

I think people are reluctant to struggle full stop as people would have done to move out. I know a man with four daughters who boomerang back and forth when they start to struggle financially. One has a child. As soon as my sons feel the need to pro-create and have a family then will they need to find a family home- and it won't be mine! They can live as long as they like when they study etc, uni.....save money etc

chrome100 · 29/04/2014 15:54

I'm sorry but I have to disagree. I am 32 and single and cannot imagine anything worse than living with my parents who are both retired.

I get up at 6am for work - my mother hates any noise before at least 8am. I like to have friends over, stay up late at the weekends, play loud music if I am in the mood, lounge around in my PJs etc etc, all things that would be anathema to my parents.

I get on well with them on weekly visits but living together? no thanks.

chrome100 · 29/04/2014 15:56

And yes, I live in a shared house which is a bit manky as it's all I can afford but that's life! I am an adult.

MigGril · 29/04/2014 17:18

I do think it depends completely on the situation. Op friend seems quit sensible and the situation seems to work for her family.

It doesn't however work well for my IL's and my SIL who has moved back in several time's because she is unable to manage her own fiances. She's 36 has a good job but has always overspent, but her parents have also always bailed her out of deate, either with money her allowing her to move home to pay of bills. As a single person she has way more disposable income then we do as a family and if she can't afford anything she just asks her dad for it who'll pay for anything she want's.
When she lives at home she does nothing round the house and they cook all her meal's, she even goes home for lunch, which is ready for her when she get's in. Really I find talking to her like talking to a teenager not an adult. And her parent's moan about it but never do anything to change the situation, which is really their own fault.

daughteritsmeagain · 29/04/2014 17:21

I think we should be grown up enough to tolerate variety in living arrangements.

SleepNBooties · 29/04/2014 17:32

But chrome100, everything you're talking about is what you want (and what your mum will tolerate). That's fine for you. But you can't extrapolate from that and judge other people badly just because they're doing something you wouldn't personally want to do.

Oblomov · 29/04/2014 17:50

I don't think its OK.
I appreciate that other countries do it.
but it is the norm in the UK. the cycle of bringing up children. them leaving home. then you have the space you never had.
some people return to their parents, whilst saving for a deposit. fine.
some return because their patents are unwell/ need caring for. but that is not what we ate talking about here.
if she is 38. why did she not plan? to save for a deposit?
and most people had to start their property life in a small flat, in a not so good area.
why is she so entitled, to think she can't get a place in a lovely area.
most of us couldn't either and had to work our way up.

Jinsei · 29/04/2014 18:05

But oblomov, so what if it's the norm to move out? Why isn't it ok for adults to live with their parents if that arrangement suits both parties and nobody is taking the piss.

I have no personal axe to grind. Both DH and I lived away from home while at university and left properly straight afterwards. I don't even know any adults who still live with their parents. I just can't understand why people get judgey about something like this! Confused

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 29/04/2014 21:53

Not many people have £200 per week to live on their own to prove to the judgers that they are not sad and unnatural.

Vinagejazz · 29/04/2014 22:06

I think it's one of those situations that. like everything else in life, has advantages and disadvantages. But there's no right and wrong. It depends on all kinds of things as to whether it's a workable, sensible and healthy arrangement. But there seems to a lot of generalisation and stereotyping of people who choose to remain in the family home. Sure, some of them are immature and lazy. But so are a lot of people who move out of home. I just think people should stop being so judgmental, tarring everyone with the same brush and effectively pressurising people to move out of homes where everyone is perfectly happy, or to not consider moving back to a family home when it would be the happiest and most sensible arrangement. Live and let live (in the family home or otherwise).

Mintyy · 29/04/2014 22:16

"Not many people have £200 per week to live on their own to prove to the judgers that they are not sad and unnatural."

Its not a question of judging. I certainly don't judge adults who still live with their parents in the same way I would judge anyone for criminal, immoral or unpleasant behaviour.

I can't help feeling it is not ideal, though.

I never went home after University. My first job paid £90 per week take home, out of which I had to find £35 rent and bills. I shared with other young people my own age and we learned to fend for ourselves.

x2boys · 30/04/2014 01:45

My auntie never moved out of dgp house she looked after them until dgd died about 20 yes ago and dgm went into a nursing home my auntie is the oldest of six siblings and she has lived on her own since my grandad died I don't think she has ever missed out she is very close to all her neices and nephews apart from me and dsis and that is only because of distance!

Gennz · 30/04/2014 02:18

I totally judge people who live with their parents, especially if they haven't moved out of home. I mean it's their problem but I would never go out with a guy that still lived with his parents - it screams a sort of baby-ish complacency if you ask me. (luckily purely academic as have been married for 5 years).

I moved out at 19 and saw myself through university, have always paid my own rent, moved to London in my early 20s, as did most people I know, found a flat share, sorted myself out, scrimped and saved for a deposit ... it can be done, if you are lucky enough to be reasonably intelligent & reliably hard-working. I accept I had advantages being generally middle class and educated, but it didn't extend to any financial support from my family. My brother is turning 30 soon and lives with our parents but to be fair to him he has suffered from MH issues in the past few years, and he hasn't always lived with them.

My DC will be out the door at 18 and hopefully never coming back to live permanently!

GoshAnneGorilla · 30/04/2014 03:11

YANBU.

The things MNers get het up about astound me. A consensual living arrangement that suits all parties, yet we hear it's:

"Sad and unnatural".

Someone up thread would be "devastated" if their child did this

I'm thinking you must have very sheltered lives if people in mutually beneficial living arrangements creates such a strong reaction.

No one gives you a medal for degree of independence or whatever, you can only live your own life and if living with their parents suits some people, good for them.

OP, YANBU.