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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we're too hung up about adults still living with parents

164 replies

Vintagejazz · 28/04/2014 22:27

One of my friends is 38 and still lives in the family home with her parents. She's not a spoilt brat who still expects her washing done and her dinner ready when she gets home from work. She just gets on really well with her mum and dad and does not particularly want to move out to a flat on her own, and can't afford to buy a house in any kind of half decent area. She contributes to the household budget, helps her parents (who are getting on in years) a lot, and all three of them are happy with the arrangement.
But some people comment on it in a sad kind of way, shaking their heads and wondering when she's going to move out. My friend is aware of this and asked me recently if people think she's 'sad' to be still at home.

AIBU to think we've become very hung up about this sort of thing. Years ago it was quite common for several generations of one family to live in the same house. Now we have lots of lonely people of different generations reluctantly living on their own because there's a kind of taboo about adults not having moved out by the time they're about 25. Obviously there's lots of people who love living alone. But it's not every one's cup of tea so why can't people accept that and stop passing comments?

OP posts:
Dragonlette · 28/04/2014 23:04

YANBU My brother lives at home. He's 37. He's never left home, never had a long term relationship, never wanted to.

My parents and brother are all perfectly happy to stick with this arrangement until dbro can afford somewhere nicer on his own, or he meets someone who wants to spend their life with him. He pays for his own outgoings and if he wasn't contributing towards the upkeep of the house, driving mum to various activities, etc then they would have to leave the house they bought as newlyweds 40 years ago as they wouldn't be able to afford it on their pensions.

squoosh · 28/04/2014 23:06

Her business if she wants to live with her parents but I find it odd for an adult to want to do this unless they're currently undergoing some economic/health/emotional difficulties which mean it's in their interest to return to the family home for a while.

But I really don't understand why a 38 year old who can afford to move out wouldn't move out. You say it was very common years ago, but only because people's option were so much more limited then.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of a of relationship with a man who lived with his Mum and Dad. It really is the unsexiest thing ever.

Summerbreezing · 28/04/2014 23:07

I know people who moved out of home as soon as they could and later on in life were happy to sit back and leave the care of elderly and ill parents to a sibling who remained at home. Some of them were quite selfish and presumptuous about it. So I don't think living at home means you don't grow up and learn to take on responsibility; any more than moving out of home necessarily makes you a mature and responsible person.

uselessidiot · 28/04/2014 23:20

YANBU as long as everyone is happy with the situation. Personally I found living with my mum detrimental to my mental health.

Nocomet · 28/04/2014 23:36

YANBU
DSIS lives with our parents, she did move out, flat mate got married and she was lonely and broke, so fetched up back home.

She pays her way, has a full time reasonable (but not house buying job).

Sadly she has never met Mr Right and is now trapped as my parent´s carer. Fortunately both my parents are mentally really with it, but DM has awful arthritis and DDad a heart condition. So DSIS gradually finds h
Herself doing everything.

I'm to far away and, if I'm honest I am glad, I'm not houseproud enough for my mother.

thebodydoestricks · 28/04/2014 23:39

That's sad summer

Louise1956 · 28/04/2014 23:40

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. The lady we lived next door to until recently had her son, daughter in law and three grandchildren living with her, i thought she was really lucky, I would love that.

And in some countries, like italy, it is considered perfectly normal for people to live at home until they marry.

dustarr73 · 28/04/2014 23:44

I think you have to experience living away from home.Unless you lived in a massive mansion where it didnt matter if you lived at home you do need some independence living away from home.

Ludways · 28/04/2014 23:48

If all parties are happy then I have no problem with it. Not for me though, shudders!

AhoyMcCoy · 28/04/2014 23:48

I moved out of home when I came back from uni, met DH and we lived together the two of us for four years, then we got married and moved in with my Dad.

Best decision ever and it works for all of us - Dad wasn't very good at looking after himself, and got behind on finances, and he likes company - me and DH get on with him fantastically and get to live in a nice area in a nice house we could never afford on our own. We are selling Dads house at the moment to free up some cash for him in retirement and me and DH are looking to buy a place of our own as we are expecting DC1, and it was DH that said we should look for a house with enough room so Dad can live with us. We don't "need" to live with Dad now, we live with him because we choose to, because we like it.

Jinsei · 28/04/2014 23:51

Yanbu at all. I find it sad and unnatural that some people are so judgemental. What on earth is the problem if the arrangement suits all concerned? Confused

RyvitaSesame · 28/04/2014 23:57

I think she sounds sensible. It is her choice. If she wanted to move out then she could. God i lived in some shit places. How nice for me......

Op is right, the "stigma" is ridiculous.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 28/04/2014 23:57

I think there is a difference between living with parents as a couple (with or without children) and never having "left home". I work with a couple of people who have never left home, and they are both really quite odd. One has the mentality of a much younger person (he is 45 and acts like a 20 year old), and the other one is like an overgrown child, in that she rushes home because her dinner is on the table at six every night. She never goes out, seems to have no friends, and goes on holiday with her parents every year.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 28/04/2014 23:59

And in the cultures where you live at home until you get married, usually marriage happens at a younger age - early to mid 20s. My mother and all of her siblings lived at home until they got married, but they had all gone by the age of 25.

RyvitaSesame · 29/04/2014 00:05

It is mostly boomerang children that live with parents. I was one for a while, and while people head tilted and worried about my stagnation, i actually knew id progressed to not caring what people tjought anymore.

AveryJessup · 29/04/2014 00:37

There is a large emphasis on being 'independent' in British culture but I think that's a good thing. Living with your parents as an adult is one option if you are all agreed on it, you all get along well and it's an alternative to living a grim life alone in a tiny flat or to elderly parents being left vulnerable.

Where I do think it is wrong is when it is about the infantilization of adult children, when either the child or parent or both are struggling to let go of the parent-child relationship. Then you end up with codependent situations where the child never grows up and the parent never detaches. That kind of situation is creepy and I think it's right to be 'hung-up' about avoiding that.

I say this because my brother still lives at home at 45 and only ever lived away from home for about 8 years in total. He has never married, never had a girlfriend and lives just as he did when he was a teenager, more or less. Part of that might be some form of mental illness on his part (depression, anxiety - he's never been to a doctor as he thinks everyone else is the one with a problem...) but part of it is also my mother's inability to detach. He could do no wrong in her eyes. The result is that both are stuck in a kind of weird time warp and this has affected my mother's relationship with me too, as she treats all of us grown offspring as children. My brother staying in the house has allowed her to keep up her delusion that she is still the mummy and we're still all the children.

That kind of dynamic is unhealthy so I think there is a good reason why people are hung up on moving out of home and being independent. It's much better than the alternative. For all this romanticizing about extended families living under one roof in the olden days, I think it was never easy for everyone to get along and be treated with respect. It was quite a common thing in the country where I'm from for an unmarried sister to be kept at home with the parents into old age so she could look after them. Women like that were looked down on and pitied. It was not some ideal world of happy families, even if this is a situation that works for your friend.

Sorry for the essay!

Morloth · 29/04/2014 00:45

I think it makes sense and I don't understand why people don't pool their resources more.

My younger brother and his partner live with my mum. Works for everyone.

lessonsintightropes · 29/04/2014 00:46

I don't really think it's anyone else's business at all, therefore neither you nor your friend are BU.

However, I do think it's pretty unusual for most people to be in this situation. My parents took the view that whatever situation we were in at 18, we would be out on our ear (self and three siblings) and for better or worse, we were. All of us swam not sank, but if we'd gone home we would have been paying bed and board; I don't have children yet but DSis has two and thinks in hindsight that DParent's perspective on this is rubbish - she's happy for her kids to stay at home til they are able/ready to leave.

I'm a bit more ambivalent - I think that everyone should learn to live on their own two feet without parental help. However it's very common elsewhere in Europe and as living conditions are worsening daily it looks like an eminently sensible economic decision, if somewhat infantilising to still live with parents without a radical renegotiation of the relationship. Good luck to your friend OP, hope it works out for her.

AmberLeaf · 29/04/2014 01:24

YANBU.

I think if all parties are happy then why not.

I can't see myself doing it, but I know someone in this situation and it works for them.

puckish · 29/04/2014 01:34

Interestingly enough, I know people who live away, but are just TOO close to their parents?

You don't have to share a space to have interference.

Someone who has a bedroom BUT whose parents respect privacy and have boundaries is probably better than someone who lives away, but whose parents insist on being privy to all the intimate details of their child's life.

Suzannewithaplan · 29/04/2014 01:40

I think it's no one else's business and can see that it makes sense from a practical point of view, but I feel there is something too traditional, bordering on anachronistic about it.
A kind of failure to launch as a fully fledged adult.

I feel that in order to properly flourish in a modern culture we need to transcend our parents, move away from and beyond them

MyrtleDove · 29/04/2014 01:44

I don't see an issue if it suits everyone involved. However, I couldn't do it for the sake of my sanity! I am happiest living alone, and would prefer a tiny place of my own to a bigger shared place.

Ploppy16 · 29/04/2014 07:49

I lived at home until 24, DH until 25, then we moved in together. It enabled us to save a deposit and we own our own home so it worked for us despite the Hmm faces I certainly got for being a woman in my mid '20's still living with my parents!Grin
I paid a decent rent, worked full time and treated the home and my parents with respect, did my share etc. it doesn't seem to have harmed either my relationship with my parents and I am actually very independant. YANBU.

MillyStar · 29/04/2014 08:01

I'm 29 and I've never left home, me and my 2 year old daughter live at my parents. They've got a big house so we aren't on top of each other - for me it's about keeping my daughter in the nicest area and near the best schools possible, if we moved out we'd be somewhere nowhere near as nice

devoniandarling · 29/04/2014 08:04

In our house live:

Mum and her husband.

Dh and myself and our four children.

For the most part it works really well. Dh works full time, dm works part time and her dh works full time. I am "in charge" of the house which is why it isn't a show home.

Bills are shared out fairly so we pay the mortgage, sky bill, phone bill, electric. Mum pays loans, council tax, water etc. I do most of the food shopping and 90% of the cooking.

It means we have a secure home and so do the children. My mum is never lonely and we can afford more treats and activities. People think we have babysitters on tap, that's not true. People can think what they want. It works for us.

It means everyone has to have more consideration for everyone else and no one wants an atmosphere. I find there are less rows as a result.

We did live seperately for a few years and it just seemed like a waste of money. Mum and I were always together and this just made more sense!