Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unreasonable?? IS IT?

151 replies

Scarletskies · 27/04/2014 21:20

Please wise mumsnetters, tell me straight.

DP and I are getting married in three weeks. So as not to drip feed, we have a err tenuous relationship with his DSIS who is very very highly strung and competitive.

DP's parents have a significant (but not massively significant) wedding anniversary a few days after the wedding- we'll actually be on our honeymoon. They haven't planned AFAIK to celebrate so STBH and his DSIS have been emailing about arranging low key family get together the weekend after we get back- great.

She's emailed this weekend and asked him to add a toast to their parents in his speech on our wedding day.

I think this is out of order and in fact it has angered me greatly.

AIBU??

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
brdgrl · 28/04/2014 11:07

I have to say I don't understand the roasting you are getting here. It's like people have read your OP and none if your other posts or have decided to ignore them.

I've read all the thread, but ScarletSkies own subsequent posts don't offer new information or evidence of how her SIL is such an unreasonable person, so I'm not sure why you think they'd change the conversation. She has said that she's maybe being touchy because of (unspecified) viciousness and attitude of SIL, and she's said several times that they had already planned out what they intended to say at the ceremony and they did intend to mention both sets of parents. But I don't see where you are finding something in subsequent posts that is being ignored. Other posters have chipped in with their own stories about their SILs, or with speculation about the OP's relationship with her SIL, but actually, input from the OP is pretty sparse and doesn't really change my view that she is being U to get upset with her SIL over this. Obviously just my opinion, but she asked for opinions. I've read the thread.

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:07

NotNewButNameChanged what you will find if you get married is that it is never a private affair! We would have liked to elope but you risk upsetting and offending too many people.

It is funny that on MN I have never seen anyone who has chosen to elope being flamed

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 28/04/2014 11:08

For a sense of satisfaction I'd recommend emailing her back saying 'Don't worry, of course we were intending to mention them!' or similar.

Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 11:08

"It is funny that on MN I have never seen anyone who has chosen to elope being flamed"

Maybe that is because MN is not family but strangers?

TinyTear · 28/04/2014 11:14

BTW, I think YANBU...

it's like when I call a cousin to wish happy birthday or an uncle and THEN get a text from my parents reminding me in case I forget... I am 40 years old, I don't need reminding... (birthday calls are important in my family)

WiiUnfit · 28/04/2014 11:16

YABU, our upcoming wedding (on the anniversary of our getting together) coincides with one guest's birthday and another pair of guests' anniversary, DH-to-be will be mentioning both in his speech, as well as thanks to our families and a special mention for PILs whose anniversary is about a week after. My SIL & I have had big rows in the past, I know how it feels & how upsetting it can be. Thanks But now we're great friends, it's a lot nicer if you can get on, believe me!

Birdsgottafly · 28/04/2014 11:19

I agree with all of the above around it being normal in close family's to make the thanking of the parents informal etc.

The OP says "we had it in hand". However, in some relationships, the OH's family Birthday cards etc, is left to them (I hadn't heard of this outside MN) but some are vehement about it.

So it would be natural for a sibling (especially female) to mention it to another (especially little bro) and ask outright so it isn't overlooked. These are forever memories that a family is making.

If a Wedding isn't a family and friends occassion, so a anniversary isn't private, when is?

Some people seem to have very superficial formal relationships with family/friends, it's a shame, really.

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:21

I didn't want to go into SIL situation because I thought it was a bit unfair on her. I've taken the flaming and accepted IABU.

Last year she called us and proceeded to tell us all of the things she felt we were doing wrong in life- things that went back years and years. How we spend our money, presents we have bought family members, how much time we spend with each respective family, how selfish we were to go to university. How I had 'robbed' her of a relationship with her brother, though they have never been close. Commented on my own family dynamics which have been rocked since my DDad became extremely ill a few years ago. I had never felt like she liked me, she'd been cold and ignored me over whole weekends, and made spiteful comments about my DP in front of me, which of course you feel you cannot question as they are siblings. However,what she said in the call made me feel as if she'd been looking through our letterbox for the past five years. She in the end became hysterical and crying on the phone, called several times over the same evening. I've found the whole incident it incredibly hard to get over. I avoid her now because I hate that kind of confrontation. I feel the constant pressure of her criticism and judgement.

As an aside this is the first time since I've known his family that an event has been about us , you know? We've helped celebrate birthdays, engagements, anniversaries, new babies- of course lovely. I've put a lot of thought into the wedding, a lot of consideration into making sure everyone has a good day and spent a lot of money. So yes, clearly IABU to resent her butting in, but that doesn't change how I feel.

Do appreciate your opinions and it has made me realise I cannot bottle up this resentment.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 28/04/2014 11:22

It is funny that on MN I have never seen anyone who has chosen to elope being flamed

I definitely have!

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:23

She is the younger sister btw, but does give the impression she feels she has to act like the older sibling and 'keep him in check'. He's an adult though and this irks me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:24

YABU, our upcoming wedding (on the anniversary of our getting together) coincides with one guest's birthday and another pair of guests' anniversary, DH-to-be will be mentioning both in his speech, as well as thanks to our families and a special mention for PILs whose anniversary is about a week after.

STBDH will be doing all of this.

OP posts:
WiiUnfit · 28/04/2014 11:25

Scarlet, be the bigger person then, let it wash over you & laugh about it with DH afterwards.

Ardiente · 28/04/2014 11:29

Lighten up. She probably thought you had a million things to think about and was being thoughtful. It would clearly mean a lot to her parents and she did what families do: Look out for each other.

Ardiente · 28/04/2014 11:31

Oops sorry just read the rest. Hhmm clearly a lot of history there. Accept her 'contribution' graciously as anything else would make you look bad.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 28/04/2014 11:32

Don't take it so personally - so she has these opinions? So what? If you are happy with your behaviour and gifts etc then it really shouldn't matter. Let your dp deal with her and complain about her if he wants but don't get involved. When things kick off with my in laws I go and make tea and leave them to it. They have their own family dynamic which I find baffling so just don't get involved. Life is too short to get involved in another family's politics!

I agree with someone upthread though. Your op and latest post do imply you are upset at having to mention the anniversary at all. That's why you've had the responses you've had b

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:43

No I am not upset about that. It felt like the decision to include it in the speech should be down to him, not DSIL. I haven't had any input into the speech, and I wouldn't have dreamed of giving my two penny's worth when my DB got married last year. I would have just considered it ill mannered and pushy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:46

They have their own family dynamic which I find baffling this is exactly it.

I need to tone down my anger to mere bafflement. It is hard to feel like you are being judged and watched though, that you have to be 'asked' to do things. DP loves and cares about his parents just the same amount, it is not up to her to remind him.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 28/04/2014 11:52

I think when people ask you about your SIL you need to say "oh yeah, she is a character" and smile.

HappyAgainOneDay · 28/04/2014 12:10

I think this is a lovely idea. During my wedding service, the minister mentioned that my father had died only a few weeks previously. Should he have not mentioned a sad event on a happy occasion?

EverybodysStressyEyed · 28/04/2014 12:11

My in laws find the way I parent weird. I'm just very firm about what I will and will not allow and remove the children from situations I'm not happy are safe. This is a lot easier now the children are old enough to stand up for themselves!

Life is too short to get angry about in laws. You are stuck with them now so take a step back. Practice a serene smile that all weird comments are met by. My stock reply has always been 'well the world would be a boring place if we all did the same thing'

OnlyLovers · 28/04/2014 12:12

Happy, the point is that the OP's partner WAS ALREADY going to mention the anniversary. What's got up the OP's nose is the SIL behaving as though no one else had been considerate enough to think about it, and she had to be the one to tell them to.

Granted, there is also a shedload of backstory behind it.

BUT I really don't think the OP doesn't believe it to be a lovely idea per se.

Fizzybangfanny · 28/04/2014 12:12

At least she asked!

My MIL would have said .. " you put that in won't you? You don't mind me askng do you ? I knew you wouldn't mind!"

With out waiting for a bloody reply!

DenzelWashington · 28/04/2014 12:13

Oh, I don't know about toning down the anger, myself. I've got an in-law like this. My deal with DH was, ok, you don't want or need me defending you and getting in the middle, fine. You deal with the stuff directed at you. But I'll deal with the stuff directed at me and my family. I won't be insulted or dictated to, I won't suffer in silence, I won't have this person organising me and telling me what to do or taking over my house.

So that was our deal. In the end, it never did come to any kind of confrontation. In-law has been firmly kept at a distance.

In your place, I would let go of anything your SIL says about DH, except possibly to tell her quietly you don't want to hear it. It is his sibling relationship and he has to decide how it goes and what he minds about. This is an area where letting it wash over you probably is your best bet.

But you really do not have to take overwrought calls about how terrible you are, or digs about how inadequate your family are etc. There, I think you can take your own counsel about whether you want to say or do anything.

Clearly, your SIL is not your friend, so from now on I would never initiate contact or have much to do with her. Let your DH do it if he wants to. And if she is coming over to see him, you don't have to be there.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 28/04/2014 12:18

Denzel - I agree but if she calls op to have a rant I would be more tempted to say 'I will pass you onto your brother/get him to call you back' or just not answer when she calls and let dp. If done to the face just a smile and a patronising 'well we are all entitled to an opinion' and walk off.

Nothing annoys someone like this more than indifference! They want confrontation.

DenzelWashington · 28/04/2014 12:20

I think that is probably the best strategy mosat of the time, Everybody. I'm not advocating angry shouting or anything like that, but sometimes people do just have to be bluntly told you are not putting up with their crap.

Swipe left for the next trending thread