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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unreasonable?? IS IT?

151 replies

Scarletskies · 27/04/2014 21:20

Please wise mumsnetters, tell me straight.

DP and I are getting married in three weeks. So as not to drip feed, we have a err tenuous relationship with his DSIS who is very very highly strung and competitive.

DP's parents have a significant (but not massively significant) wedding anniversary a few days after the wedding- we'll actually be on our honeymoon. They haven't planned AFAIK to celebrate so STBH and his DSIS have been emailing about arranging low key family get together the weekend after we get back- great.

She's emailed this weekend and asked him to add a toast to their parents in his speech on our wedding day.

I think this is out of order and in fact it has angered me greatly.

AIBU??

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
AlpacaPicnic · 27/04/2014 22:12

Actually I am going to say YANBU - because I've taken on board your posts and repeated references that your DP was already planning to do this.
Its the fact that she is interfering with his speech, isn't it? Not that she thinks it would be nice, but that she is pushing unsolicited opinions on what he should say.

Does she try and 'take over' other things, like family gatherings?

Greensleeves · 27/04/2014 22:12

I think you're getting an undeserved kicking from people who haven't understood what you're piqued about.

If she's usually a self-righteous PITA then the little reminder would piss me off as well. Don't let it spoil the lead-up to the wedding though. It's about you and DF, not her. Good luck to you both Thanks

AlpacaPicnic · 27/04/2014 22:14

Actually Scarlet, why don't you suggest to your SIL that she make a speech on the day then she can say whatever she sees is fitting?

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2014 22:15

You clearly dislike your SIL so let's face it, whatever she does or doesn't do or say, it's going to get right up your nose.

If it wasn't this it'd have been something else.

You perhaps need to figure out why you allow her to push your buttons and work out a way of dealing with that which involves you being at most, vaguely irritated, rather than "angered greatly". You can't change her behaviour but you can change how you react to it.

Fwiw I think a toast to your in-laws and their special anniversary is a lovely idea.

monicalewinski · 27/04/2014 22:21

Lol.

I thought your thread title sounded like that Nicki one from big brother a few years ago (the one who used to throw her arms around dramatically and over enunciate).

"Who IS she, WHO IS she".

I'm sure you'll have a lovely day, remember to relax and enjoy Thanks

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 22:24

DP replies 'yep, was already going to mention it' and you get on with your day would be the appropriate response.

I get that she's a pain and so everything she does and how she does it will annoy you. That's fairly normal/common but you're only tormenting yourself getting so annoyed about it.

Longdistance · 27/04/2014 22:30

YABU.

At our wedding, friends of ours had a 25th Wedding Anniversary. We got them a gift, card and balloon, and they got a mention. We even announced an engagement.

Fakemoustache · 27/04/2014 22:32

I have one who has to organise everyone and everything.

She phones DH when we're on the way to family things - not to her home or anything she's arranged - to find out where he is because 'you're not here yet' 30 minutes before we're due to be there. That includes funerals.

She calls to 'remind us' of ILs birthdays. Usually on the day so it would be too late to send a card. Which is fine because we've always already sent them but she won't stop doing it. She won't call for 5 months then, ring-ring, birthday call.

She turned up to a major birthday party (numbers on balloons, adult family kind) with a supermarket bought child's birthday cake and candles and proceeded to hand it to the kitchen and tell them to bring it out lit. Obviously no one else could possibly have arranged a cake at that kind of do. Anyone would be embarrassed when they saw the specially made cake that had been arranged, right? She tried to do it again at the next family do.

She tells people where they should sit around the table when we have a family meal. In a pub.

She is also a total asshat which makes me less tolerant of the above.

Gurnie · 27/04/2014 22:39

I hear you OP. Of course it isn't unreasonable to mention the parents in his speech but it's her assuming that you wont have thought of that....I know what you mean. I have a colleague who does that to me at work all time time...."reminds" me of things that I have already considered/done as though I am some sort of idiot. It is hugely difficult not to snap "YES, I KNOW!"

AlpacaPicnic · 27/04/2014 22:52

fakemoustache I love you a little bit for using my favourite not-quite-a-swearword...

More people will be called Asshat tomorrow.

brokenhearted55a · 27/04/2014 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaPicnic · 27/04/2014 23:01

And of course, when your DP makes his speech, and toasts his and your parents, she will be telling people that it was her idea to do so. Claiming the credit when it was a done deal anyways.

Just out of curiosity op - had your dp asked for advice on what to say, or did she email this out of the blue...?
I'm willing to bet on the outcome...

PorkPieandPickle · 27/04/2014 23:01

As a couple of other people have said, most posters have misinterpreted your OP and think you meant you don't want PIL's anniversary mentioned at your wedding, which obviously would BU.

YANBU to be annoyed with SIL, but that is obviously her nature. I would be tempted to reply 'do you actually think I'm stupid or something?!'

heraldgerald · 27/04/2014 23:30

Lots of projecting from people on here who are sils them selves perhaps?!

She sounds like shes really got to you o p. In my experience of similar you have to find a way of not letting that happen. For me, control and distance have worked wonders. Not worth fighting with stbdh, he will be conflicted by family loyalty to his sibling.

Have a wonderful day ??

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 27/04/2014 23:32

I get you OP and you are so not being unreasonable. But I say that from the experience of having a sister who does the same.

You know the without her pointing out/ reminding etc we would all fail miserably.

So as you taking the food out of the oven with oven gloves on she exclaim loudly ' oh be careful that's hot'
I fucking know it's hot, I cooked it, set the temp on the oven etc and I'm wearing oven gloves.

She'll then tell everyone with a knowing smirk about how I nearly burned myself but it was ok cause she was there.

So very not unreasonable…

Nocomet · 27/04/2014 23:46

Why not. I gave a toast to wish my DDad happy birthday before DH did his speech.

Irritatingly, I still forget his birthday!

TillyTellTale · 28/04/2014 02:01

Okay, have I got this right?

So, basically, your hackles are raised because you're concerned that someone you don't like is going to be taking credit for a gesture you had already planned? Under the assumption you and your fiancé couldn't manage to say something nice about his parents without being reminded?

YANBU because that would feel annoying. But unless you're going to snub his parents just to show soon-to-be SIL that you will organise your wedding speeches without her advice, you're going to have to be all dignified about it!

Option 1) send back a breezy email saying you'd already written that bit in, and saying that you're glad to see that you're "on the same page"/or that you're glad she "agrees with it".

Option 2) say to yourself that you don't care about SIL's attempts to patronise you.

brdgrl · 28/04/2014 02:10

Yes, YABVU and not very nice.
She's not only right to suggest it (obviously), but completely within her rights to mention it to her brother. Her parents. Her brother. Why shouldn't she?

Shaking my head over this one. Did you really have to ask....

Monty27 · 28/04/2014 02:16

Aw do it, I think it's a lovely idea tbh, but say something special about yours too :)

congratulations and I hope it goes well, for ALL of you.

sykadelic · 28/04/2014 02:35

OP - I completely understand why you're annoyed by this.

When we were planning our wedding my husband and I got "helpful suggestions" out the wazoo... you know the kind where if you didn't agree you got looked down your nose at.

I liken it to becoming a parent and everyone giving unsolicited advice... people rant on here about it all the time. Wedding's are similar because more that one person has thrown one and has an idea of what you should do.

It would have been much more reasonable for her to ASK if he had planned on mentioning them at some point rather than telling him he should. I think maybe you're a little concerned about her influence on your fiance, or the influence she THINKS she has.

I know you're stressed out with the planning so just have your fiance respond back with something like "I'll be mentioning both sets of parents actually, OP's parents celebrated the same anniversary earlier in the year as well :) Already have that part of the speech sorted. Thanks though!"

EllaFitzgerald · 28/04/2014 02:48

I totally understand how this would annoy you. It's the fact that she thinks it wouldn't have occurred to either of you to mention the anniversary unless she'd ridden to the rescue and 'helped' you.

Having said that, she's clearly not going to change and you hopefully have a very long and happy marriage ahead of you. Do you really want to be spending the next 40 years grinding your teeth every time she does something annoying? If you can't cut contact with her and don't want to upset your PILs, I think accepting that she's a bit of a arse and rising above it is the only other option. Take a deep breath, laugh, roll your eyes and say 'thank you SIL, what on earth would we do without you to remind us of these massively important things'

musicalendorphins2 · 28/04/2014 04:15

You are the one highly strung from the sounds of it.

Your brothers sister was not unreasonable to make the request. Now if she suggested your in laws to be pop up to the front and renew their vows, now that would be unreasonable.

musicalendorphins2 · 28/04/2014 07:08

PS. Weddings are nerve wracking and make people stressed, try really hard to relax and not take offense where none is meant. Maybe get away for a day walking/driving in the country and relax.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/04/2014 07:24

Are you cross your fiancé didn't put her down immediately with a suitable bon mot?

You need to place your anger / irritation with her, not let it fester in you (at the risk of sounding very psychobabbly but it's true). She is an annoying person who often behaves in silly and unreasonable ways. No doubt she is and other people can see it too. Let her behaviour speak for itself.

If you react, or argue, or put her down publicly, you stoop to her level and people will see a clash between two nightmare people, rather than behaviour by one, who others are sensible enough to rise above, nicely.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 28/04/2014 07:30

We mentioned my parents anniversary in DH's speech as they also hit a significant one. It was in a "we hope we last as long as you" manner

But as your DSIL specifically asked for it to be mentioned if be inclined to leave it out