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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unreasonable?? IS IT?

151 replies

Scarletskies · 27/04/2014 21:20

Please wise mumsnetters, tell me straight.

DP and I are getting married in three weeks. So as not to drip feed, we have a err tenuous relationship with his DSIS who is very very highly strung and competitive.

DP's parents have a significant (but not massively significant) wedding anniversary a few days after the wedding- we'll actually be on our honeymoon. They haven't planned AFAIK to celebrate so STBH and his DSIS have been emailing about arranging low key family get together the weekend after we get back- great.

She's emailed this weekend and asked him to add a toast to their parents in his speech on our wedding day.

I think this is out of order and in fact it has angered me greatly.

AIBU??

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/04/2014 07:30

And, if you are / become a parent, watch out for becoming this annoying person in thirty years.

I know so many parents of adult children for whom putting down, demonstrating no confidence in their offspring, referring to some incident that happened when the person was 15, now that they're 30, is completely ingrained and habitual. They probably think they're being affectionate , or helpful, or funny.

I find that people who need to out others down to feel good about themselves are usually insecure about themselves, sometimes very ambitious, ruthless and manipulative.

londonrach · 28/04/2014 08:04

Sounds like a lovely idea. Do it. Yabu to mind. Stop being a brideizzer (no idea how it's spelt so apologies)

londonrach · 28/04/2014 08:09

I hope you have a lovely wedding by the way. Enjoy each moment as it goes very quickly. Don't get stressed by events as something's will go wrong but just go with the flow..... My sister had gate crashers at hers but they kept the guests entertained as they were so funny. The guests thought they'd been paid to come. So just enjoy everything. Only thing I would add....you can't take enough photos. For some reason there's not one photo of my mother in law which is awful but she was running around helping as my mother had cancer at the time.

Pinkje · 28/04/2014 08:27

Sounds like typical (older ?) Sister behaviour. I haven't met many big sisters who aren't bossy!

Helpys · 28/04/2014 08:28

Poor OP Flowers
Take it as a warning shot how very much dsil pushes your buttons and take a big breath when you engage with her.
Have a lovely day!

Helpys · 28/04/2014 08:29

And to be fair, how many of us who are big sisters would even consider advising younger siblings as to what to mention in their speech!

tak1ngchances · 28/04/2014 08:31

Hmmm I'm not so sure that was the issue scarlet. I think you're backtracking now because you realise YABU.
Re-read your OP.

SugarcoatedPoisonApple · 28/04/2014 09:36

If I was your STBH, I'd be annoyed that my sibling didn't trust me to think of it myself, especially as you say your DP had indeed already thought of it.

So I think your DP is the one who should be put out, as it's his sister, but you don't have any reason to be.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier · 28/04/2014 09:40

I love a Bridezilla thread Grin

brdgrl · 28/04/2014 09:52

It wasn't even as though this was unsolicited advice out of the blue. OP says that her DP and the sister were emailing back and forth about how to recognise their parents' anniversary, and making plans* about it - seems perfectly natural to me that in that context, the sister would make the suggestion. It also seems a tiny bit odd that in those conversations, the DP never said "ok, so we're doing xyz, and we'll be mentioning the anniversary in our speech...", because they were talking about what they would do to acknowledge the aniversary. If he had truly already made plans to do so, and didn't mention it in the conversations about the anniversary, then it's hardly surprising that sis might have felt she needed to remind him.

*(plans, by the way, which are being to an extent dictated by the couple's own honeymoon plans, and yet OP hasn't said that the sister has been difficult or made an issue over that)

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 09:57

No I completley accept I was being unreasonable to be annoyed. I told DP about this thread and said I need to cut SIL some slack.

This has made me see that had anyone else made the suggestion, it would have been fine. It was that it was from her, and that it wasn't phrased as a suggestion or a 'have you remembered...' but 'will you'. I wanted to reply on his behalf and say look, you're always 'reminding' us about things like this and we've always got it in hand. For once back off! Confused

I'm going to have a Brew and try to chill out. I'm not bridezilla, honestly, but I take the majority of your views on board and accept I'm out of order.

OP posts:
Cakecrumbsinmybra · 28/04/2014 09:58

FWIW OP, I don't think you are being a bridezilla. Your SIL sounds annoying - I wouldn't suggest what a groom what he should say in his speech, unless he asked me of course, regardless of whether it was my brother or not.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 28/04/2014 09:59

Sorry, my post sounds like it has been written by a 4 year old, but I think you probably get the gist.

BuzzardBird · 28/04/2014 10:02

Don't sweat the small stuff OP, you have a whole day to worry about. Just

leave it to STBH to decide what he wants to say in his speech and concentrate on the rest of the details. Let it wash over you. I suspect you have years of butting in off DSIS to look forward to, you need to adopt a coping mechanism.

Have a lovely day OP, you only get the one chance to enjoy it, don't let anyone spoil it for you. Thanks

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 10:03

Oh sorry, yes I should have arranged the honeymoon around at that time non-existent plans to celebrate their anniversary Hmm

FWIW, my PIL are going on a cruise straight after the wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 10:03

Thanks Buzzard

OP posts:
pictish · 28/04/2014 10:09

Good for you OP. I was going to say that this wouldn't perturb me at all, and that to include both sets of parents in his speech would actually be lovely. I couldn't see why you have such beef with her bringing it to the table.

However, I now see that your sil is one of those annoying busybody here's-what-I-want-you-to-do types, and I do sympathise. Dh's aunt tries on similar with us/me and although I try to quell it and keep perspective, there is no getting away from the fact that she aggravates me.

However, this one is not the one to take a stand or say your piece over. You'll end up looking unreasonable.
Save it for another day.

BuzzardBird · 28/04/2014 10:21

I also believe that most PIL's would be a little embarrassed at being made the centre of attention at someone else's wedding. I am sure that they are well aware that it is not about them. Anniversaries are IMO private occasions.

brdgrl · 28/04/2014 10:34

Now you say they are going on a cruise, but in your OP you said as far as you knew they had no plans to celebrate, which seemed to be part of your argument for why it was such an offense for your SIL to make a suggestion. OK, fine, so you have just learned about this, apparently.

No, I didn't say that you had to plan your wedding or honeymoon around their anniversary - only that DP's sis apparently hasn't even mentioned the issue, which someone as unreasonable as you suggest she is, might well have done. Because, while you don't have to plan your occasion around their anniversary, it isn't completely out of the bounds of reason to take one's parents 'significant but not massively so' occasion into consideration when choosing a date, and since YOU have said that a get-together event is being planned, and now that they are going on a cruise, it is obviously an event that DOES mean something to them and one that IS going to be recognized in the family.

brdgrl · 28/04/2014 10:36

Anniversaries are IMO private occasions.
But not in OP's husbands' family - they're already planning an event to celebrate, after the honeymoon.

And it is generally considered appropriate for a couple's children to publicly acknowledge their parents' milestone anniversaries.

weneedtotalkaboutshriver · 28/04/2014 10:44

And it is generally considered appropriate for a couple's children to publicly acknowledge their parents' milestone anniversaries

Absolutely. Why wouldn't it be?

ThisIsLID · 28/04/2014 10:56

I have to say I don't understand the roasting you are getting here. It's like people have read your OP and none if your other posts or have decided to ignore them.

As other have said it is quite normal to acknowledge the parents in the speech so I am at loss as to why someone would feel they need to remind you. Unless they don't trust you as a couple to do so which I would highly annoying coming from dsis or dsil.

It's nice to see that you have been able to step back a bit. I guessing that you will have a few of these moments in the next few weeks Grin

Enjoy your wedding!

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/04/2014 10:58

If I have learned just one thing from my time on MN it is this: if I ever get married I am SO eloping and doing it in private.

Original poster
Scarletskies · 28/04/2014 11:03

They aren't going on the cruise to celebrate. They go away a lot. And no, I haven't 'just learned about this'?

When we chose the date they said how lovely it was that it would be near when their wedding was.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 11:06

I think you should think carefully where to put that bridezilla hat, or weil, as it may be, so you can look at life witch clarity.