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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people are so often against co sleeping?

303 replies

pigluscious · 27/04/2014 19:07

Maybe I'm a silly lentil weaving hippy, but I really don't understand why people are so obsessed with getting little babies to sleep on their own, and to settle themselves. What on earth is wrong with rocking/feeding to sleep and then tucking your child in (following all the safety advice) next to you?
AIBU?

OP posts:
thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 23:35

sabrina massive back to the future. Although not sure about the crying bit. Grin mum to dss now grown up.

For future reference just beware before you pick uo the random socks in the bed!

brdgrl · 27/04/2014 23:36

I think most of my friends co-slept or still co-sleep, and personally I am a bit tired of hearing/reading about how great co-sleeping is. But then, I also seem to be surrounded by people who are outspoken breastfeeders as well. So I am always a bit 'meh' when people complain about the amount of criticism they feel over co-sleeping or breastfeeding, because in my experience (and yes, that's all!), it has been much more the other way around!

I breastfed but I didn't co-sleep. Totally happy with that decision. DD a good sleeper, a healthy child, and a happy little girl now who couldn't be any more "attached" to me. Don't see why anyone else should care, frankly.

CrystalSkulls · 27/04/2014 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks365 · 27/04/2014 23:37

I couldn't have co slept with dd now 2 for various reasons but she was right next to the bed in a moses basket then cot, she was close enough for me to stroke her face without moving. I like my quilt too much and my pillows but also I simply do not sleep when she's in the bed with me but she doesn't sleep as well either. She didn't move into her own room till after she turned 1 but it was necessary then as she sleeps much better alone. If she wakes in the night and there is someone there she'll wake them up to play if alone she goes back to sleep

thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 23:38

phalanges when I had ds1 ( 24 years ago) it was considered good practise, As was putting your baby to sleep on their back and cot bumpers ruled.

thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 23:40

Do what suits you and your family and fuck anyone else.

Body's new parenting book.

pebblyshit · 27/04/2014 23:41

hahahahaha! I just snorted at that and disturbed my daughter!

That's one of the things that puts me off tbh. I like to snort with impunity.

Isabeller · 27/04/2014 23:42

Grin Sabrina

I'm glad you posted this topic OP though I differ from you in seeing how different arrangements can make sense too.

I am keen to bedshare as safely as possible with baby DS. We (DS & I) are doing this of necessity while away from home. I am following the guidelines I have discovered but not really had as much chance as I'd like to find out about solid research. There do seem to be some strong suggestions based on poor evidence.

I'd be really grateful for any pointers to good, recent research.

Not really a very nice question but does anyone know if babies die of SIDS in baby units or is all the observation and monitoring enough to prevent it?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 27/04/2014 23:53

I'm happy to be corrected by people more knowledgeable, but I believe the main risk with co-sleeping is smothering rather than SIDS. I think the guidelines changed around the time my ds was a baby, when a newborn in a maternity ward died as a result of co-sleeping - but it wasn't SIDS - he was suffocated, the mother was excessively over-tired.

Falling asleep with your baby on a sofa is, I think, a big risk of smothering - and I think the highest risk of SIDS is still a baby alone in it's own room.

Personally, I feel that co-sleeping is very natural - but obviously needs to be done with caution because pillows, duvets, overtired parents etc cause a risk.

Isabeller · 27/04/2014 23:59

Yes Sabrina this is rather the impression I got. Various things put a baby at risk of suffocation but that is not an unexplained cause of death.

SIDS is still unexplained so as far as I can see no one actually knows why sleeping on their backs reduces SIDS risk, it has just been observed that less babies who were back sleepers died of SIDS than front sleepers (in some enormous cohort).

Jinsei · 28/04/2014 00:02

My only regret about co-sleeping with dd is that I didn't do it earlier. Ironically, the midwife advised me to co-sleep right from the start, but I had read all the scare stories and I was too frightened to try it. It was only later that I started to research it properly - mainly because it was abundantly clear that dd didn't want to sleep separately - and realised that it was safe if you took proper precautions.

I lost count of how many times I was told that I was making a rod for my own back. That wasn't my experience - dd just moved into her own room when she was ready. I miss that snuggling now, it was lovely while it lasted.

thebodydoestricks · 28/04/2014 00:04

isabella I have worked in special care and babies died/survived.

I put all of mine in their Moses baskets to sleep and they all found their way into our bed.

My bf did lost her dd2 during labour,she was a midwife.

My own dd aged 12 was badly injured on a school trip.

look you can never say dreadful things will/not happen.

Trust me in my 24 years as a parents advice changed and parenting fashions change.

Do what feels good for you and cross your fingers.

That's parenthood.

Tweasels · 28/04/2014 00:07

I'm with thebodydoestricks "Do what you have to do to survive and fuck what anyone else does."

DS has slept alone from 7 till 7 from 7 weeks old. Apart from when poorly has never slept with me. He also never wakes in the night.

DD is still co-sleeping at 2.8. Sleeps in her own bed sometimes but generally hates being on her own, never sleeps a full night without waking/shouting/being a general pest so it makes my life easier. I don't have a parenting style, I just get by with as much sleep as I can.

Each to their own I say.

thebodydoestricks · 28/04/2014 00:08

Good grief meant to say on their fronts wine away. Grin

Isabeller · 28/04/2014 01:08

sorry body I'm being slightly dim. (BTW I have an adult DD but, as you say, advice is very different now. Baby DS was quite early, but very well. We spent several weeks in a baby unit and most of the time his breathing etc was monitored).

Did you mean some babies in baby units died of SIDS? Or died and were revived? I know many babies die of known causes in these circumstances but wondered if SIDS still occurred.

Second each to their own

harryhausen · 28/04/2014 08:20

I tried to co-sleep with both my dcs to be honest but they weren't having it. Even from a very early age my eldest slept better in her own space.

Now at 9 yrs old she still loves her own bed and is barely out of it.

Looking back, I'm glad me and dh kept our bed to ourselves. When marriage problems with utter relentless day-to-day grind and exhaustion, a bit of boredom came to roost about 10 years in, we were glad we had no child in the middle to get back on track!Smile

claraschu · 28/04/2014 08:37

My friend's daughter died of SIDS on the first night she slept in her own room after co-sleeping for 7 months. There's a lot of conflicting medical evidence if you start looking carefully.

All mammals except Western humans sleep with their tiny babies, and it felt right to us.

I don't have an opinion about what other people should do. Sometimes, if friends complain endlessly about how it takes 2 hours to do their children's bedtime routine, and then their kids wake up anxious and need more attention in the night I find myself thinking that there is an obvious easier way.

Romy75 · 28/04/2014 08:38

I have never co slept. I feed my dc and place them back in their cot.

With my first dc we rocked/patted/rubbed her to sleep for the first two three years of her life. It was exhausting, especially as I returned to work. We ended up eating late - basically having no evening to ourselves.

With dc2 we have allowed him to settle himself to sleep. He is now in a routine. The first two nights it was challenging but he now plays and then dozes off.

Returning to work will be easier this time round.

dexter73 · 28/04/2014 08:57

Some mammals eat their babies. Doesn't mean we have to.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2014 09:01

Because little babies can suffocate and overheat and some just don't want to take that risk obviously.,

sarahquilt · 28/04/2014 09:03

Lol dexter! People should do what suits them but I won't be putting my husband out of bed to sleep with my child. I think it's fine for the baby to go into the cot.

BertieBotts · 28/04/2014 09:05

The chance of SIDS is very very tiny and is now thought to be related to some kind of gene, anyway, meaning what you do is irrelevant. Smothering of course is a totally different risk but in the past SIDS and smothering have been counted as the same thing because it's impossible to tell.

Of course there is necessarily a higher risk of suffocation in an adult bed than in a cot, because a cot is an environment designed for the minimum risk of suffocation. An adult bed is not, but by being aware of the risks it can be made very safe indeed.

pianodoodle · 28/04/2014 09:07

I just went with the advice about keeping them in the basket beside our own bed with both of ours.

They were both breast fed but I would be too nervous to sleep with a baby for fear of smothering etc...

It's easy enough to pick them up to feed and put them back in the basket.

DD is 2 and DS is 4 months so still in our room. Both sleep from 8pm to 6.45am. DD never wakes in the night, DS has a sleepy feed about 10.30pm and that's usually him 'til the morning.

Couldn't really ask for more Grin

pianodoodle · 28/04/2014 09:20

"I feel sorry for those who miss out on moments we have enjoyed."

I feel sorry for children who are abused and unloved.

I don't feel sorry for children who haven't been raised exactly the way mine have...how ridiculous Grin

drspouse · 28/04/2014 09:21

We didn't with a prem and FF baby, the risks just weren't worth it. He did fall asleep in a sling/my arms on the sofa/once on the dining table while we were putting his coat on. So we didn't have problems with sleeping. He also took to a dummy quite well. I knew the possibilities of switching to blankets/losing he pillows etc. but the risks still didn't seem worth it. Being an adoptive parent, we had heard of newborns going through horrendous drug withdrawal and unable to sleep and the usual advice there is a swing for safety and comfort.

I thought of a co-sleeper but a cot adjusted to the "right" height probably wouldn't be safe either and a proper co-sleeper is horrendously expensive for the 4 or so months they fit in it.

When he was a bit older and waking regularly at 5am we tried it again as it wouldn't have been unsafe then but for him co-sleeping was co-TIME TO PLAY WITH MUMMY AND DADDY YAY!

Cave/developing country families have/had horrendous rates of infant death. No way to know what part of that is related to infectious disease, malnutrition, or co-sleeping, but very much a bad example. I do wish people wouldn't use that type of example as "safe"/"natural".