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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people are so often against co sleeping?

303 replies

pigluscious · 27/04/2014 19:07

Maybe I'm a silly lentil weaving hippy, but I really don't understand why people are so obsessed with getting little babies to sleep on their own, and to settle themselves. What on earth is wrong with rocking/feeding to sleep and then tucking your child in (following all the safety advice) next to you?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
pigluscious · 27/04/2014 20:37

theputsuitofhappiness that Bmj study referred to is a but dubious. Something like 3/4's of the people involved weren't asked about drug/alcohol use. There was nothing in it to suggest that the deaths were anything to do with cosleeping. It's impossible to test, but the babies may have passed regardless of where they were sleeping.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 27/04/2014 20:37

"What on earth is wrong with rocking/feeding to sleep and then tucking your child in (following all the safety advice) next to you?"

I tried it and couldn't sleep. Simple really. I get cold at night, the covers would have been too warm for DD. I was afraid of rolling on to her. I was very sleep deprived and was desperate for sleep and not next to my baby. At 9 weeks she had a trachesotomy so co-sleeping was very definitely out anyway.

Mintyy · 27/04/2014 20:39

How old is your baby pigluscious?

I co-slept with my dc when they were tiny infants, but moved them in to their own cots by the time they were 2/3 months.

I could find you 500 Mumsnet threads started by desperate sleep-deprived parents who regretted going down the co-sleeping route.

Original poster
pigluscious · 27/04/2014 20:41

She's only 4 months! I know I'm approaching this as a novice, I'm mostly just interested in how other people feel as I find people I know in RL (ie my MIL and M) to be pretty judgemental about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Meglet · 27/04/2014 20:42

Because I couldn't relax to sleep with a baby in bed with me. I was terrified I would squash them. Even when I had them in a moses basket they kept me awake snuffling.

The midwife got newborn DD to sleep with me in the hospital and while I lasted 3 nights there was no way on earth I was doing it again. I literally didn't move all night, I was too tense to shift position.

From about 12 months they would sleep with me if poorly / high temp (not vomiting obviously).

zzzzz · 27/04/2014 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrushingCandies · 27/04/2014 20:43

I co slept with dd and now with ds.
Dd went into her own room when ds was born and didn't like hearing him cry, so she asked to go and has been no problem. She was nearly 4.
Ds is now nearly 1.

I'm a very light sleeper, always have been and also come from Asian culture where cosleeping is the norm. So it was natural for me to cosleep.
Dh is a very heavy sleeper and has a manual job so needs his sleep so he sleeps in the spare room. It works for us.

AmberLeaf · 27/04/2014 20:44

I loved co sleeping.

Two of my children did too, the youngest not so much.n But he was a massive figget.

I didn't have any problems with moving them into their 'big boys beds' at around 18 months-2 years old. Maybe I was just lucky on that.

'Intimacy' opportunities were not an issue either, bed is not the only place to have sex! and cuddling up can be done even when co sleeping.

AmberLeaf · 27/04/2014 20:45

Having a king size or super king size bed helps.

CPtart · 27/04/2014 20:46

Because psychologically I needed the space (as well as physically). No-one ever came and took DC off out for an hour or so to give me a rest, those 12 hours at night were the only time I got to myself and regained a bit of normality.
I also need my sleep, and was afraid that co sleeping would hinder DC sleeping in their own room after being in our bed. Luckily, folllowing a routine of minimal contact after tucking in at bedtime and barring illness, both DC slept through consistently from 4 or 5 months.

RiverTam · 27/04/2014 20:47

you're being just as anti not co-sleeping as you are accusing others of being anti co-sleeping - refusing to believe there could possibly be any good reason why people should not co-sleep (not that it's any of your business).

We didn't for a number of reasons. DD was born in the depths of winter and me and DH both feel the cold and sleep under a 13 tog duvet plus at least 2 layers of blankets - wasn't about to put teeny tiny DD under that lot. One of our cats sleeps on our bed, and she was there first! I have a bad back and have to sleep on my side with my knees curled up - even when DD was tiny there wasn't enough room for us all.

She's now 4 and has for a very long time sleep very well and happily in her own bed in her own room. She does come into our bed every so often where she lies at an angle, kicks us in the back and is generally a deterrent to getting any sleep at all. Thanks but no thanks.

Thepursuitofhappiness · 27/04/2014 20:49

If you can genuinely look at the statistics and decide there is no risk, go for it. I don't think you'd find many professionals who would share your opinion, but we've all got to make our own choices. It clearly does raise SIDS risk (bbc reported the study says by a 5 fold risk, okay of you think alcohol stats weren't correctly reported, let's say for arguments sake it only raises it two fold, I'd say that's still an unacceptable risk.

katese11 · 27/04/2014 20:51

Someone upthread mentioned having nightmares about losing their baby in the bed and waking up anxiously looking for them...well I was like that with dc1 and convinced I could never Co sleep because of it. With dc2 they said at the hospital I could sleep with her (on big firm low sofa bed not hospital bed) so I did it and slept so well. I woke up frequently to latch her on but was never anxious as I always knew where she was. Pillows were away from her and duvet just covered my ankles. It was way safer than the times I accidentally fell asleep with dc1 through sheer exhaustion (we had been warned not to co sleep so had 6 months of sleepless hell)

Just to say really that my anxiety was actually helped by Co sleeping. weaning her off it has not been fun but we're almost there (at 2yo)

MagicMojito · 27/04/2014 20:56

Dd (2.5) is still breast fed, still co sleeps and it has been a massive struggle for us me to get back any sort of independence. im a sahm, and even though I absolutely adore Dd with all my heart, I do resent that she is constantly attached to just me 24/7 pretty much. Dd2 is due in a matter of weeks and I have no idea how well cope. Sigh :( I'm defenetly not against co sleeping, but I can absolutely see how its beneficial to be able to self soothe.

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 27/04/2014 20:57

I liked cosleeping, DH isn't comfortable doing it so I do it for the first few months and then they go in their cots next to the bed and I get DH back in bed. DS1 (2) is ill atm and having him thrash about coughing in the bed next to me last night was the worst night of sleep I've had this year (and we've got a teething baby).

It's personal choice and I don't care what other people do. Like breastfeeding, going out when they're young vs not or blw/purees and then everything that comes after it's up to you to do what suits your family best.

OP, your family are probably judgemental about it as they're the 'older' generation, and grew up/parented when cot death was more common; Ann Diamond & the back to sleep campaign, Sally Clark etc.

Foodylicious · 27/04/2014 20:57

Its the difference between bed sharing and co sleeping thats important to me. We have a bedside cot, so will be co slerping not bed sharing,.
current advice from mw was all about them being in your room to reduce risk of sids, being close enough so they can hear you breathe as it apparently triggers them to keep breathing.
get fed up with hearing people talk about having to get baby into a routine/ independant etc. Just why does a few month old baby need to be independant?

read something a little while ago about the first few months being considered a 4th trimester. Basically they need your for everything they did in the womb, jydt would be too big to get our of your womb if they stsyed in any longer than 9 months.
was on the Pregnant Chicken blog.
I an 33 weeks now and aware thats all of what we actually do will most likely be determinef by the temperament of baby when he/she arrivesGrin

bellybuttonfairy · 27/04/2014 20:58

I remember my first night home from hospital with dd1. She was in the moses basket next to the bed and I just couldnt sleep as I was worried if she was breathing/too hot/too cold/been stolen. There is no way I could leave a vulnerable baby in a room at the opposite end of the house.

Dd1 didnt sleep well either and after a few nights I put her in bed with me. My nose would be practically touching hers and I could relax feeling her breathe on my face and my arm around her.

Ive had another 2 children (very quickly) after her and all have slept in my bed.

It works well for us - I bf and am very aware of babies in bed so I feel very safe in doing it.

Dh and I have a very strong solid relationship. We still have loads of sex. I was never the go to bed with the lights out kind of girl. Sorry if its too much info but someone did ask.... There are loads of rooms in the house to have sex!

Dd1 is now 7 and decided to become a big girl and have her own special bed when shd was about 3. When dd2 came along (2 years between). dh slept with dd1 and I slept with the baby. Now dd1 and dd2 share a room and ds1 sleeps with us.

It has worked brilliantly for us. I love sleeping babies and young children. I love it when they wake up, open their eyes and are immediately happy to see me. I love their warm little bodies to snuggle into at night.

Dh is as soft and soppy with the children as I am so there is no conflict in parenting.

MistressDeeCee · 27/04/2014 20:58

Im not against co-sleeping but I will admit, the term makes me roll eyes a bit, and I find people can be very 'worthy' when talking about it. Each to their own I suppose. I wasn't in a hurry to get DCs to sleep alone/in another room when they were babies, they slept in same room as me until aged around 3. In a cot next to bed. Now Im recalling convos with other mums back then and it seemed to be a 'boast' if their DCs were able to sleep alone in next room from an early age. I wasn't interested in that for my DCs at all.

Original poster
pigluscious · 27/04/2014 21:04

That's mainly what confuses me foody, why would a young baby need to be independent? Can anybody tell me what specific risks are involved with a co sleeping cot?

OP posts:
Flexiblefriend · 27/04/2014 21:05

YANBU to decide co sleeping is what works for you, but YABU to think because it suits you and your baby everyone should do it. I never seriously considered it for two main reasons.

I've heard several horror stories about co sleeping parents accidentally smothering their babies. I know they were likely situations where co sleeping was not done safely, or it would have happened wherever the baby was sleeping, but they stuck in my head, and who is entirely rational where their new babies safety is concerned.

I was also lucky enough to have a baby who self settled right from the start with no issues, so I never had any reason to re think how we did things. I did what worked for me, and my baby. She is now a happy well adjusted 6 year old and I am very happy with my choices.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 27/04/2014 21:06

I think safe co-sleeping actually lowers the risk of SIDS compared to babies sleeping in a different room to the mother, as having another being breathing near them makes a difference. In a crib in the parents room is said to be best for that.......

Co-sleeping is discouraged as it needs to be done safely to not risk the child......
I always wondered that seeing a as breastfeeding lowers the risk of SIDS then if the risk of co-sleeping is off set by the benefits and lower rates of breastfed babies being victims of SIDS...... Ie is a breastfed co-sleeping baby actually at the same technical risk of SIDS as a formula fed baby in a separate room?

pebblyshit · 27/04/2014 21:06

Shagging all over the house is all very well if you share your house with one small baby. It comes slightly more problematic with older children and other adults.

HavannaSlife · 27/04/2014 21:07

I find it uncomfortable.

Everything I've read about safe for sleeping always states at the bottom ' the safest place for your baby to sleep is a cot in your room ' that's enough to put me off for sleeping.

All mine have been in my room till between 14-18 months though

Lesleythegiraffe · 27/04/2014 21:07

Mine slept in a cot in our room until I felt they were old enough to be put in their own room.

It never entered my head to have them in the same bed as me and still don't know why people feel the need to do it.

RabbitSaysWoof · 27/04/2014 21:09

I don't feel judgemental about co sleepers, but I get the impression you feel slightly superior to people who put their babies in cots.
I allowed mine to learn to self settle, he was sleeping through 12 hours by 12 weeks and always has. We both sleep every night safely and wake up happy and rested I would do the same with my next dc.
The day time is for bonding in my house, my ds is not missing out.

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