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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what MIL has bough for us?

133 replies

MummySparkle · 27/04/2014 00:15

We are expecting DC2 in 2 months. Today OH informed me that my MIL has bought us a new Moses basket for DC2 and would like to come and set it all up for us whilst I'm in hospital in labour.

We've talked about lots of possible things to get for the new baby, and a Moses basket has never been one of them. We have a perfectly good one from last time, one that I spent a considerable amount of time and effort making extra bedding for from some old bedsheets. I haven't seen this one yet, but chances are it will be a different size and require us to buy more bedding so that we can have a couple of sets.

And the idea of her being in my bedroom in my house fiddling with my stuff whilst I am in labour is horrifying! There are so many things out of my control in labour as it is, why on earth would I want her here 'sorting things out' for the baby. Which. I doubt I'd have to redo anyway because she thinks completely differently to me so the way she would 'sort out' things would be totally illogical to me.

OH is annoyed at me for being put out by this. But surely it's like me saying 'oh, by the way, I bought you a new coffee table because I didn't like your old one. I put it together whilst you were out and got rid of your old one, isn't that lovely of me?' To MIL?

AIBU here? Or is this a thing that 'all normal people would be grateful for' as OH says?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Gennz · 27/04/2014 00:17

YANBU. I'd be v annoyed by this - it seems very "controlling by helping" which I hate. If someone wants to help out by getting you something for a baby, wouldn't you check? Esp given it's your second.

And NO WAY would my MIL be fiddling about in my bedroom without me there!

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 00:20

It does seem, at best, pointless if you already have one. Can you not just say (get your DH to) we already have one which is in good nick, but we'd really appreciate a car seat/pair of monolo blahniks.

Do you have the energy to bin their coffee table and replace with another? I would quite like you to do this, if only for my entertainment.

Custardo · 27/04/2014 00:20

i think you're being miserable

SavoyCabbage · 27/04/2014 00:20

Can you not steer her on to something that you do want for the baby? Does your dh not know about the sheets you made? Or did he mention it to his mother so she thought thst would be a good way of helping out.

I has my MIL living with us recently and when I was at work she came in my room and remade my bed every day. Dh didn't get it at all that I didn't like it. So I know where you are coming from. I wouldn't want anyone moving stuff around when I was having a baby. You need to know where everything is. It's hard enough getting to grips with a new baby without having to ask where things are.

Suefla62 · 27/04/2014 00:21

I guess I'm not a "normal person" either because I would hate it.

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2014 00:21

I would be upset because it seems such a waste of money if you already have one, they are only used for a few weeks. She could have got dc2 something lovely with that. Yanbu.

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 00:24

I hate people going into my bedroom, it such an invasion on my personal space.

Do you live in a house or flat could 1 Moses basket be used downstairs and 1 for upstairs.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2014 00:24

Yanbu regarding the Moses basket as you already have a perfectly good one, but the rest you are being ungrateful. mIL wants to do a nice thing for you and the baby and your turning it into a negative thing. Presumably your dh will be with her so not entirely on her own!

TheSpottedZebra · 27/04/2014 00:25

Maybe you can stress how much you wanted to have memories of your 2 Dc in the same Moses basket. As they're not in them for long, only in their tiniest first weeks/ months... So it's really lovely but we don;t want a new one, we want the one we have.
So thanks very much. (and have an idea for what else she could buy you if she offers that).

But er - no to her being in your bedroom. will things need setting up pre-baby? Are you superstitious or could you just do this yourself?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/04/2014 00:27

Maybe just say "how thoughtful! we actually have one already from last time, but why not set it up at your house so when we pop round to visit,dc can take their nap in it?"

Not everything MILs do comes from a nasty place. Sometimes they just offer something they think will be nice and helpful.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 27/04/2014 00:28

"Ah, thanks very much. You shouldn't have, we have one already. Just keep it in your house, and DC2 will use it when we visit"

Gennz · 27/04/2014 00:29

Is your MIL generally nice or annoying OP? I immediately thought she was being unreasonable because if it was my MIL it would be!

HaroldLloyd · 27/04/2014 00:31

Having two Moses baskets is very handy actually, I would make some excuse by saying I'd like it sooner than when I was in labour.

In the absence of any back story I would say she is just trying to do a nice thing.

HaroldLloyd · 27/04/2014 00:32

Also think Moses are a pretty standard size.

Clobbered · 27/04/2014 00:33

Set your original one up in your bedroom to your liking, so she has no reason to go in there, and make it clear to your DH that your bedroom is your personal space and off limits to anyone else "setting things up". If MIL wants to go in and set up the new Moses basket downstairs, why not let her, then she gets the fun of it without making you feel uncomfortable. If you don't actually want to use it, then you can just keep it handy and whip it out when she comes round, or suggest that she has it at her place after the first week or two.

(Just the sort of controlling nonsense my in-laws go in for, and I totally get your frustration/anger at the situation, but I think this is probably a battle that isn't worth fighting - save your energy for something more serious).

Good luck with DC2!

AvoidingEasterDIY · 27/04/2014 00:38

I agree with you too :) Who buys that kind of thing without asking if it's what the parents would like? It's controlling behaviour dressed up as 'a nice thing'. Tell your DH that he's wrong and tell him either he tells your MIL that you are happy with the one you have, thank you very much, or you will.

Nestabee · 27/04/2014 00:39

I would say no to her setting it up while you're in labour. That seems completely unnecessary Confused arrange an earlier time for her to come.

I would suggest setting your own one up as planned (in your bedroom) and then she can set up her one in a different part of the house so you can use it during the day to put baby down.

I don't think you can refuse it, she obviously didn't listen to any other suggestions and has her heart set on it for some reason. Accept it graciously and then either give it back to her when you've finished using it, pass it on to someone else or sell it.

Jemimapuddlemuck · 27/04/2014 00:41

Ask her to put it in the lounge so you will have somewhere to pop baby during the day, tell her that will be very handy as you won't have to carry basket downstairs - that way she keeps out of your bedroom but she won't be offended.

Nocomet · 27/04/2014 00:44

How old is DC1? They make great beads for dolls, teddies etc Wink

Nocomet · 27/04/2014 00:44

Beds

sooperdooper · 27/04/2014 00:54

I think it's unfair on her to assume she's being controlling, she's trying to do something nice but I understand not wanting something you already have

I'd just say thank you but we already have a Moses basket but X would be lovely if you'd like to get something for the baby

musicalendorphins2 · 27/04/2014 01:00

YANBU.
I would tell her you already have a Moses basket all ready, handmade sheets and all, but thank-you anyways.

Maybe83 · 27/04/2014 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveYouBaby · 27/04/2014 01:14

This reminds me of the time my SIL was around mine. She went to the loo, and then looked into our bedroom and commented how messy it was. My baby was 4 weeks old FFS, and why on earth was she snooping in my room!

Anyway, in your situation I'd politely thank her for the thought, but ask her to return it and suggest a different gift of something you actually need. I did this recently to the in laws and they were fine about it. She might then get the message that she needs to check with you first before investing in big purchase items.

ZingWatermelon · 27/04/2014 01:21

YANBU at all.

MIL or DM or anyone interfering like that would make me go apeshit.

it's not a lovely gesture, it's trying to be controlling and nosy and "the things I do for you" martyr crap.
I think.
Am I close?

My mother is like this. drives me nuts

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