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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what MIL has bough for us?

133 replies

MummySparkle · 27/04/2014 00:15

We are expecting DC2 in 2 months. Today OH informed me that my MIL has bought us a new Moses basket for DC2 and would like to come and set it all up for us whilst I'm in hospital in labour.

We've talked about lots of possible things to get for the new baby, and a Moses basket has never been one of them. We have a perfectly good one from last time, one that I spent a considerable amount of time and effort making extra bedding for from some old bedsheets. I haven't seen this one yet, but chances are it will be a different size and require us to buy more bedding so that we can have a couple of sets.

And the idea of her being in my bedroom in my house fiddling with my stuff whilst I am in labour is horrifying! There are so many things out of my control in labour as it is, why on earth would I want her here 'sorting things out' for the baby. Which. I doubt I'd have to redo anyway because she thinks completely differently to me so the way she would 'sort out' things would be totally illogical to me.

OH is annoyed at me for being put out by this. But surely it's like me saying 'oh, by the way, I bought you a new coffee table because I didn't like your old one. I put it together whilst you were out and got rid of your old one, isn't that lovely of me?' To MIL?

AIBU here? Or is this a thing that 'all normal people would be grateful for' as OH says?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 27/04/2014 10:02

Bugger- took me that long to type a post I missed your update. Seems she's trying to be nice rather than interfering and taking over. Maybe the conversation along the lines of how lovely an thoughtful her gift is but you already have a basket and it will only last 6mo tops whereas the drawers will be used for years to come. Maybe take her shopping with you so she feels included an less inclined to go buying other less suitable/necessary stuff.

HaroldLloyd · 27/04/2014 10:03

It's not all that odd seeing as the OP mentioned needing a stand - when I was buying one the baskets are so cheap there were many cheaper as a complete set than just a stand.

And she didn't specify in the bedroom.

It sounds like just a case of poor communication & misunderstanding to me.

Again dreading MILing in the future.

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 10:16

I hope from threads on MN I will be a great mil.

I will not offer childcare, not buy anything, get every thing in written agreement, not give sweets, not even breathe to close.

My Mil is fantastic and she can do or buy what ever she wants, she is the women responsible for the upbringing of DH the man who I fell in love with and married so must have done something right.

ApocalypseThen · 27/04/2014 10:19

You don't want to invade their space by visiting either, or cramp their style in a controlling way by inviting them over.

Also, don't be distant or like the grandchild you can see sometimes without such a fraught and delicate negotiation more.

MumsyFoxy · 27/04/2014 10:23

UANBU

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2014 10:34

Who buys someone a piece of furniture without checking that it's wanted first?

Barmy!

GnomeDePlume · 27/04/2014 10:35

WitchWay - your DM sounds a bit like mine who couldnt get why DSiL wanted to do her own thing with moses basket etc. DM also couldnt get why DB & DSiL didnt want their DC sleeping in the ancient, rusty, lead painted, evil smelling cot DM had skip dipped for 'found'.

She got very huffy and upset at what she perceived as the waste of wanting to buy new.

As other PPs have said, Parents/Parents in Law have had their turn. They should stand back a bit.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/04/2014 10:45

YABU.

TBH I can see the problem if MIL was a controlling woman or if you had "history" but there appears to be none. Like a few other posters it's miscommunication.

You mentioned you wanted a new stand for the Moses basket, she's gone and got the whole kit and caboodle. As long as it's not been used and is still in its wrapping surely she can take it back for a refund and then you can get what you want which is what it seems you want anyway.

Your MIL for what it's worth sounds kind and is only being helpful and thoughtful offering to set it up. I think she sees it as a nice way of helping you, your DH and her new GC.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/04/2014 10:46

So ask for the drawers….

usualsuspectt · 27/04/2014 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DownstairsMixUp · 27/04/2014 10:56

She should of really asked what you needed? So I don't think YABU. When I told my MIL I was pg that was the first thing she did, ask what we needed as we already had a DS so she knew we'd already have a few bits from him left over. I tend to do this with friends to if they are having kids. I don't want to buy something they already have that they then feel obliged to accept!

winkywinkola · 27/04/2014 10:59

She's obviously not thought long and hard about her choice of gift. No great crime.

It could be good to have a basket downstairs as well as upstairs.

Get her to set it up now. Then she won't need to be at your house whilst you are out having the baby.

Don't make this into a big deal. It's not.

I know if someone like a mil is generally a pita, little things like this become a big deal because they are indicative of how annoying that person can be.

But honestly, the damage you can do by being ungracious and rude is extensive and not worth it. Seriously. I speak from bull in china shop (me) experience.

winkywinkola · 27/04/2014 11:00

And it sounds like an amazing gift.

dottytablecloth · 27/04/2014 11:37

Just count yourself lucky you don't have my MIL; she was looking after my ds (14 months) for the first time overnight and despite me cleaning and making up the guest bedroom- she decided to sleep in our dirty bed and incredibly messy room! Angry

She will NOT be asked to come again!

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 27/04/2014 12:00

How is it an "amazing" gift? It's a piece of furniture that they already have, it's not the crime of the century to have bought it but at best it's thoughtless.

I have no worries about being a mil, but then I wouldn't buy my dil big things like that without checking first. just like OP wouldn't buy her mil a coffe table, sneak it into house and assemble it.

It is possible to tell mil that it's not needed in a polite way, no need to be rude about it, but it's not unreasonable to not want an unnecessary large baby item knocking about the house.

Maybe mil would like it at her house for daytime naps when you visit.

curiousuze · 27/04/2014 12:24

Grin at icansee and apocalypse - it's an absolute minefield, isn't it!

ZenGardener · 27/04/2014 12:56

I think when you are pregnant you are instinctively territorial about your home. My MIL came to my home to look after my son while I had to stay away overnight. She rearranged the cupboards and moved some furniture around. I was so upset! It's the pregnancy hormones. I wouldn't really want to see my MIL while I was in labour either.

ladymariner · 27/04/2014 13:16

Well said icansee

Op YABU, it's a gift, and as far as I can see, she thought it was something you wanted. You have massively over thought this. And what's with not wanting to see her when she comes to collect your ds and look after him for you....that's not being unreasonable, that's being downright rude and doesn't put you in a good light at all.

And whilst im at it, how controlling is the pp who said she ges angry if her mil buys clothes for her children without checking sizes with her first? Utterly ridiculous Shock

BeyondRepair · 27/04/2014 13:21

And the idea of her being in my bedroom in my house fiddling with my stuff whilst I am in labour is horrifying!

I had this and it was horrifying and stepped over a million boundaries and we have not spoken for 7 years since.

Take control.

Yes two moses are handy, one up stairs one down. Bedding you can buy 20p from millions of second hand places, I got finest Italian hand embroidered sheets for our cot for 50p each from baby sale, looked on line they were £30 EACH Shock.

So none of that is really issues, its the not asking what you need. And as others have said the intusion.

You need to say to your OH that your not happy about it and ask him to speak to her or, speak to her yourself.

There does not need to be any un pleasant ness..

" Thank you so much for your kind offer, its very very sweet of you, however we dont actually need the moses basket and I feel really really bad that you have wasted your money on one.
I also dont need you to set one up for us as I already have one and I am being silly and sentimental and feel very attached to the old one, blame pregnany hormones....I have gone mad, but thank you sooo much anyway it was so sweet of you, perhaps we can all lock heads and come up with something else..."

If she spits feathers over that, leave her to it. But at least you wont have extra moses or house intrusion.

Maybe like my IN laws they will see it as perfect time to go through your personal papers and files...

BeyondRepair · 27/04/2014 13:22

dottytablecloth

I think thats quite sweet in a way, that she doesnt mind your mess, I wish mine was more like this!

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2014 13:53

I really do wish people who can't be arsed to RTFT would at least read the OP's posts.

For a start, she lives in a flat...

Itsfab · 27/04/2014 14:11

I hope you are having a nice time and MIL and the talk goes well.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/04/2014 15:57

I don't think not wanting to see someone when she's in labour paints her in a bad light,

I don't want to see anybody other than a HCP at times like that

LittleBairn · 27/04/2014 15:59

beyondrepair the OP has already said she has a bouncer for own stairs that lies flat. While some might think its great to have two others will just see it as uneccesary clutter.

Original poster
MummySparkle · 27/04/2014 17:53

Had a lovely chat with MIL today and everything is sorted now.

She has always said she'd get the cot, but she didn't realise that we wanted it set up beforehand. We're going to put the cot up as soon as we get it, but she is going to come in whilst I'm in the hospital and put some pretty pink bedding on it ready for daytime naps.

She was a bit disappointed, but we both agreed that there was no point spending money on the extra basket. She also thought that I'd said our old basket had broken, so it was all a miscommunication and it's all sorted now Smile

With regards to not wanting to see her when in labour, I am a very private person. I do not want to see anyone when I'm in labour, and I'd rather nobody knew that I was in labour either (as with DS) However as we now have DS obviously he has to go somewhere and he loves it at MIL's. But yeah, if I'm having contractions I don't want to see anyone, or anyone to see me apart from my OH and medical staff, just because it's a bit weird TBH!

Thanks for the replies - all sorted now and I feel much better about it all :)

OP posts: