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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what MIL has bough for us?

133 replies

MummySparkle · 27/04/2014 00:15

We are expecting DC2 in 2 months. Today OH informed me that my MIL has bought us a new Moses basket for DC2 and would like to come and set it all up for us whilst I'm in hospital in labour.

We've talked about lots of possible things to get for the new baby, and a Moses basket has never been one of them. We have a perfectly good one from last time, one that I spent a considerable amount of time and effort making extra bedding for from some old bedsheets. I haven't seen this one yet, but chances are it will be a different size and require us to buy more bedding so that we can have a couple of sets.

And the idea of her being in my bedroom in my house fiddling with my stuff whilst I am in labour is horrifying! There are so many things out of my control in labour as it is, why on earth would I want her here 'sorting things out' for the baby. Which. I doubt I'd have to redo anyway because she thinks completely differently to me so the way she would 'sort out' things would be totally illogical to me.

OH is annoyed at me for being put out by this. But surely it's like me saying 'oh, by the way, I bought you a new coffee table because I didn't like your old one. I put it together whilst you were out and got rid of your old one, isn't that lovely of me?' To MIL?

AIBU here? Or is this a thing that 'all normal people would be grateful for' as OH says?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
ZingWatermelon · 27/04/2014 01:23

oh and whilst I think I'm normal I'm definitely not average.
I prefer to be in control thank you very much

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 27/04/2014 01:25

I wouldn't like it either, my bedroom is my private space. I guess your Dh might not see it that way as she is his mother. Would he be happy with your mum in his private space?

I would use it for downstairs as others have suggested , it would be handy.

No way would mil be messing about in my bedroom whilst I was in labour though, with good intentions or not!

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 27/04/2014 01:28

For the record I wouldn't want my own mother messing about in my bedroom either while I was in labour, so it's not a mil issue .

spatchcock · 27/04/2014 01:32

Odd gift. Did she not see the first DC in the moses basket?

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 27/04/2014 01:33

If you don't want it even downstairs then don't be afraid to ring her, thank her for the lovely thought, but explain you already have one and you don't want her to waste her money. If she pushes it explain you want to use it for sentimental reasons. Also, set it up before you have baby, just for peace of mind and bolt and padlock your bedroom door

HeadfirstForTHiddy · 27/04/2014 01:36

It is an odd gift, I feel it's more for her own gratification than OPs. Nothing wrong with her being excited about the new baby but no need to tread on toes either!

ColdTeaAgain · 27/04/2014 01:44

YANBU and find it very weird that she wants to do it while you're actually in labour. Why not beforehand? Or when you get home with the baby? Not like it's something that takes long to do!

The suspicious side of me would be thinking she sees this as the perfect opportunity to have a good old snoop around!

Doing a bit of food shopping for you = helpful
Cooking a couple of meals = helpful
Holding newborn for an hour while you have a nap = helpful
Hanging around in your house while you're in labour = not helpful!

Tell her you'd already set your heart on using same basket as DC1 had but the new one would be perfect for daytime naps downstairs and that was such a lovely present as having two will be so handy et etc Wink

SE13Mummy · 27/04/2014 01:57

It sounds to me as though the moses basket is a way of being nearby when DC2 arrives; being in your home setting up a moses basket is the perfect excuse!

Thank her for the thought, let her know that you will be using the moses basket that DC1 used and perhaps think up a job/role that she can have when you are in labour (who will be looking after DC1?) that makes her feel involved, maybe something along the lines of making lots of nutritious meals to pop round in the coming days?

The moses basket is a generous gift whatever the reason behind it but if it's not something you need for DC2 then let your MiL know sooner rather than later. And check with DH that he didn't unwittingly ok her idea...

MiL: When MummySparkle is in labour I'd like to do something to help.
DH: Ok
MiL: I've seen a lovely moses basket that would be perfect for DC2 that I'd like to buy.
DH: Ok
Two weeks later...
MiL: So, that moses basket I was telling you about...I've bought it for DC2 and thought it would be nice if I brought it round whilst MummySparkle is in labour. I'll set it up in your room so she doesn't have to worry about getting anything ready and I won't get under her feet.
DH: Ok

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 02:05

I don't see it as an odd gift, just a strange way of doing it.

The current Moses basket will need a new mattress, it may not even be possible to find a mattress to fit.

HelenHen · 27/04/2014 03:06

Of course Yanbu and you don't have to accept. I'd simply say thank you for the lovely gesture but you already have one... And leave it at that! Having mil in your room when you're in Labour is not something you just have to accept... Are you happy for her to know you're in Labour anyway or will she be there for childcare?

eightandthreequarters · 27/04/2014 03:32

How long does it take to 'set up' a Moses basket? Could anyone spend longer than 5 minutes on this task? Why does she need access to your home and stuff while you are in labour?

Whether you want it or not, tell her to bring it on over now and you'll 'set it up'. Thank her.

Then use whichever basket you prefer.

Mutley77 · 27/04/2014 03:38

OMG is she my MIL? Exactly the kind of thing she would present as "helpful", but is actually totally controlling and unnecessary.

My MIL buys things for my children that they don't want/need and it drives me mad. It's all about control and thinking that they should have an input into the child's upbringing.

The whole bedroom thing is totally ridiculous as well. To be fair my MIL wouldn't dare go in my bedroom at home but if we are staying at hers she goes in, takes out the dirty washing (and does it!) and makes the bed, moves all our stuff around. OMG I can't stand it. To explain, she lives at a distance and we sometimes base ourselves there (not through my choice I must add) and go off visiting other friends/family or for a little mini break on our own. When we are away she sees "our bedroom" as fair game.

If I knew how to deal with it I would tell you but I haven't found the perfect way. My DH prefers to deal with my MIL as he is worried that I will offend her! That suits me as he offends her but I figure that's up to him. I usually end up being labelled the bad guy I'm sure but tbh I've gone past the point of caring - there are other issues with my MIL at all, too long to go into!

mathanxiety · 27/04/2014 04:11

YANBU for all the reasons everyone else has said.

Why does she want to go into yours and DH's bedroom, and more to the point, why does DH seem to be ok with her going in there? Was he never a normal teenage boy? And unsupervised? This is a turf thing, and a real intrusion, and your DH needs to tell her no way is this going to happen.

DD1 now has her own place about 12 hours drive away (so we are not exactly in and out of each other's homes on a daily basis) and I would never go into her bedroom without asking her. And maybe this is weird too, but I would not go into my mother's bedroom at home either, without asking. Nor would she go into mine when she visits. And for all her faults, my exMIL never ventured into exH's and my bedroom.

Let her set it up elsewhere well before you go into labour and stand firm on using your old one, in your bedroom, and nothing else.

DH needs to grow a backbone here.

Chottie · 27/04/2014 04:57

You are not being unreasonable. It seems such a waste of money, especially when you have a Moses basket already. Why would you need two?

I would hate, hate, hate MiL going into my bedroom too. This is not unreasonable.

Good luck and I hope you manage to sort this out, you don't want to be in labour and thinking of MiL snooping around your bedroom.

possiblyprecious · 27/04/2014 05:27

I don't think that you are being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about this. Suggesting some alternatives might be the easiest solution.

I wonder though whether there is some element of tradition in this scenario ie about the significance of making up beds? I recall my mother being thrilled at helping her DIL to make up the cot for her first grandchild. And wasn't there once a tradition about the mothers of a bride and groom making up the marital bed?!?!

sandgrown · 27/04/2014 07:12

Gosh what a lot of suspicious people! I think she just wants to buy something new for the new baby and some people are superstitious about having prams etc in the house before baby comes. This would explain why she wants to wait until you are in labour. Just tell her you would prefer it downstairs and do not alienate your baby's grandma for no good reason.

Floggingmolly · 27/04/2014 07:16

It's a bit of a waste if you already have a serviceable one; but it's unlikely to be a different size.

TheCrimsonQueen · 27/04/2014 07:18

YAB ungrateful. It's a present. She can buy what she likes and I feel for your husband who is probably stuck between you and her.

Floggingmolly · 27/04/2014 07:20

Btw, why does "set it all up" necessarily mean going into your bedroom???
Moses baskets are pretty portable; I'd imagine she means literally put the sheets on, place it on it's stand, etc. and have it standing there all ready and waiting to greet you when you come home.
I had mine downstairs at first for daytime naps, don't most people?

LouSend · 27/04/2014 07:22

I think it's weird.

Why would she buy a Moses basket when you already have one?

A Moses basket is a smallish, light basket which is designed to be carried from room to room. It doesn't need to be 'set up' anywhere. Unless she's also bought a stand for it, one that is in a flat box and will require some putting together?

Getting it to keep downstairs and before you go into labour is a possibility, as is asking for her to keep it at her house.

But, I just have to ask: is your Mil the type to buy new or is she a second-hand-bargin type of person? She hasn't bought it at the local bring and buy, or from Mrs-down-the-street (you know, the one whose got 7 dogs, 13 cats and a 60-a-day habit), has she?

ZenGardener · 27/04/2014 07:23

I also wondered about the setting up. I would just explain that you already have one and you don't like the idea of people being in your house while you aren't there.

Floggingmolly · 27/04/2014 07:32

Op has misunderstood the set it up comment. The poor woman has no intention of going into her bedroom, why on earth would she?

thegreylady · 27/04/2014 07:34

Moses baskets are lovely, not too dear and fun to buy as well as useful. Your mil has been carried away and I fear she will be hurt if you reject her gift. I'd get rid of the old one and let the baby have a brand new one. As for the bedroom thing just ask her to set it up in the living room and your dh can move it later. I don't make a point of going into dd's bedroom though she wouldn't mind if I did, same with my dil. When we stay with my stepsons we sleep in their bedrooms. We do not rummage for knickers, love letters or flavoured condoms to giggle about and the only messy room is mine.

Busymumto3dc · 27/04/2014 07:35

Yanbu

It annoys me enough if my mil buys dc clothes without bothering to check sizes

NearTheWindymill · 27/04/2014 07:36

Two things strike me OP.

Why does she have a key to your house in the first place?

If she's local and available, why on earth isn't she coming to look after DC1 when you're in labour. You'll need someone there, why not her? If arrangements are already in place for your mum to be there "thank you so much for the moses basket MIL; just drop it round to my mum who'll be there.