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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by what MIL has bough for us?

133 replies

MummySparkle · 27/04/2014 00:15

We are expecting DC2 in 2 months. Today OH informed me that my MIL has bought us a new Moses basket for DC2 and would like to come and set it all up for us whilst I'm in hospital in labour.

We've talked about lots of possible things to get for the new baby, and a Moses basket has never been one of them. We have a perfectly good one from last time, one that I spent a considerable amount of time and effort making extra bedding for from some old bedsheets. I haven't seen this one yet, but chances are it will be a different size and require us to buy more bedding so that we can have a couple of sets.

And the idea of her being in my bedroom in my house fiddling with my stuff whilst I am in labour is horrifying! There are so many things out of my control in labour as it is, why on earth would I want her here 'sorting things out' for the baby. Which. I doubt I'd have to redo anyway because she thinks completely differently to me so the way she would 'sort out' things would be totally illogical to me.

OH is annoyed at me for being put out by this. But surely it's like me saying 'oh, by the way, I bought you a new coffee table because I didn't like your old one. I put it together whilst you were out and got rid of your old one, isn't that lovely of me?' To MIL?

AIBU here? Or is this a thing that 'all normal people would be grateful for' as OH says?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/04/2014 08:22

I would be stressing that you'd like to use the one you have as it was used for your first and you'd like to carry on the tradition.

I too am surprised at the amount of oeopke who have MIL's that immediately make them assume that other MIL's are controlling and not simply trying to be nice. So sad and makes me dread becoming a MIL in the further myself

Fionalikespinklemonade · 27/04/2014 08:27

She wants to set it up? What's there to set up?

HaroldLloyd · 27/04/2014 08:28

OP after reading your update I resllt do think that you are being a bit unfair to the woman.

You mentioned needing a new stand (it'd normally cheaper to buy the whole lot anyway the stands are just as much)

She didn't even say she would go into your room

She has your other DC anyway so would be reasonable expected to be popping in and and of your house anyway?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/04/2014 08:31

Sounds from your updates, that she has misunderstood. When you see her, tell her it's a cot you want not Moses basket as you already have one and she will be wasting her money.

Flywheel · 27/04/2014 08:36

Exactly what turning said.
I imagine that the mil spotted a beatiful moses basket while out shopping and recalled dil saying the old one needed replacing. Some people are supersticious about buying for baby before it arrives, so she thought she'd drop it over, as obviously it would be needed straight away.
To me it seems like a thoughtful gift (granted, she misunderstood it was just a new stand required).

curiousuze · 27/04/2014 08:36

A second one might be lovely and useful to have in the living room though? Not sure if you're in a flat or house but could save the hassle of moving your existing one around. It's only for a few weeks.

Flywheel · 27/04/2014 08:41

You cannot dictate what some one buys for you. You can drop hints, or make suggestions if asked. To say "I don't want x, buy me (much mor expensive) y instead" would be incredibly rude.

RandomMess · 27/04/2014 08:41

I think as long you express your appreciation for the thought and deal with it very sensitively there is no problem explaining that you would much rather have x or y bought. Be gracious and invite her to go cot shopping with you and get her involved in setting it up? Use it as an olive branch type of thing?

qazxc · 27/04/2014 08:43

What's MIL like normally? Do you have a good relationship or is she a bit over the top?
I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe she misheard when you talked about the new stand?
or she didn't know what to get and thought "ooh Mummy sparkle will need somewhere for the baby to sleep, I'll set it all up and it will be a lovely thing for her to walk back in from hospital and have it all set up.". I drum into DP the stuff to ask for if MIL or SIL ask what we would like but still SIL asked me yesterday as she said "I've been asking him but he just shrugs and says "ask qazxc""
Or maybe she doesn't understand that you don't need to change the entire basket between DCs just the matress (for the risk of cot death)?

But I do get where you are coming from, if she hasn't already bought it, she would be better off spending her money on something that you need/ will use.
Also I'm quite a private person and would not like anybody (be my mother or DP's mother) sorting out or going through my house, let alone when i wasn't there. So I absolutely understand why you wouldn't like the thought of MIL doing that while you're giving birth. But then again maybe it wouldn't bother other people, and she thinks nothing of it. Just say that you're not comfortable with it.

tripecity · 27/04/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchWay · 27/04/2014 08:48

When my mum was pregnant with me she made a Moses basket from scratch by weaving it from willow wands, padded & lined it herself - the whole works.

When I was pregnant with DS she decided she wanted me to use the old basket so dragged it out of her loft & refurbished it. I was truly beautiful, but I just didn't think it was safe. It was enormous & over two feet deep, oval & a non-standard size so she made a mattress out of thick foam she bought in the market. There were no air-gaps at "baby face level". It looked like a cot death waiting to happen, & it rather freaked me out.

I had a very awkward conversation with her about it & she took it home.

She also made a beautiful hand-quilted multicoloured quilt which was supposed to be for the Moses basket, with a matching christening gown. She took those home as well. The gown would have fitted a dainty girl aged 3-4 months. Chunky DS was christened at 10 months in corduroy trousers with braces. Rather sadly she showed me some pictures of baby DS in the Moses basket while she looked after him for an afternoon at her house. He was awake thank goodness.

I do think your MIL is trying to be generous, but perhaps going about it the wrong way.

BoffinMum · 27/04/2014 08:50

She's probably only doing what she wished someone had done for her.

I would say that's a lovely thought, but actually I think I'd rather go shopping for baby stuff with you and choose another useful thing as an alternative, as I think my existing Moses basket will do the job fine. Then she can play having babies a bit, plus you will drawn a boundary.

That having been said, my DM bought me a White Company swinging crib for DC4 AND a new Moses basket and I used both. I kept the Moses basket downstairs and the crib by my bed. Lovely.

WitchWay · 27/04/2014 08:50

*It was truly beautiful not I

(I am gorgeous however)

Smile
candycoatedwaterdrops · 27/04/2014 08:51

It's hard to tell if you're BU or not as we don't know about your general history with MIL. If she has form for doing her own thing without consulting you and often appears like she's undermining you, then I'd understand why you don't want this moses basket. Without the information, to be honest, you sound like you're making a mountain of a molehill. Does it really matter? As a PP said, give it to the little one to play with.

ZenGardener · 27/04/2014 09:13

A friend of mine's mil bought her a pram. It was a nice though but she and her husband are both rather tall and this pram was too low for them. I think most parents like to choose big items by themselves.

ApocalypseThen · 27/04/2014 09:25

Well you never know where a blister might rise. How on earth can mothers in law get it right? Even trying to be kind is a hideous imposition, even when they're looking after your children! Why can't the mothers of your husbands/partners be cut a little slack?

BolshierAyraStark · 27/04/2014 09:28

It's just a gift.

Odd that from recent posts you say she's lovely yet you stated you don't want to see her when you go into labour & she comes to pick up DC1 to look after him for you? Hmm

soverylucky · 27/04/2014 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 09:41

Poor women, she buys a lovely gift after you mentioned it and is trying to keep it a surprise by setting it up with your older child whilst you are in hospital. She would be better off returning it and leaving you with no childcare as you sound rude and ungrateful.

Maybe she bought a new basket as well as stand as knew you werent supposed to use the same mattress twice and its usually just as cheap to buy a whole new one.

deakymom · 27/04/2014 09:46

been there got the pushchair! when i had my second my mil asked if she could buy a pushchair/pram for the baby we said fine but it cant be a travel system type as they do my back in (i have always suffered with back trouble so i know) they got upset saying they couldn't afford an expensive one i reassured them it would be fine let me know your budget i can google and give you a choice so they went to the market and bought a travel system one Hmm which of course i can't use as its too heavy at the front i did point out the problem with it but they said i had to try it and you never know! you might love it! tried it hated it bought a new one for less money they were then in charge of selling it on for us and could hardly get £20 for it they were bitterly disappointed and didn't offer a large gift again (ds3 got a very nice changing mat and a blanket)

bedrooms are off limits buy a lock!

SaucyJack · 27/04/2014 09:48

YANBU. It doesn't seem that contolling to me tho..... but then I've never met her.

Sometimes GPs just get a bit over-excited and forget that that they've had their "turn" at doing all this stuff and end up treading on the toes of the baby's real parents.

liquidstatehasrisenagain · 27/04/2014 09:52

YANBU

My MIL is lovely but a bit OTT for me and we have completely different tastes. I certainly wouldn't want her in the house while I was in labour.

Thetallesttower · 27/04/2014 09:52

I also thought you weren't supposed to use the same mattress twice, I bought a new mattress for my old moses basket second time around, plus it started to get quite worn on the handles and they eventually broke (!) luckily not when child was in it.

You can't dictate what people buy you if they've already bought it. If they haven't then do kindly say what you would prefer. I have had items of clothing over the years from my MIL that would make your hair curl, but I just smile and say thanks. People don't get it right every time and I think keeping things friendly is more important especially if she cares for your other child than getting a £60 dresser thingy.

ipswichwitch · 27/04/2014 09:53

I don't get the whole "setting it up" thing. It's a Moses basket not an ikea flat pack. Surely all it could need in putting on a stand, stick a sheet in and it's done. Something either you or your DH can do when you get back from the hospital. So there's no need for your MIL to be at your house while you're in labour since she's looking after your DC1 at hers.

Fwiw I don't like the idea of people buggering about in my house when I'm not there. My MIL likes to help but I have to stop her rummaging about the place looking for dirty laundry to wash. My DM would be rearranging cupboards.

Purpleroxy · 27/04/2014 09:56

It's odd/a bit silly/shortsighted/wasteful to buy something like this for a new baby without asking parents whether they already have one, particularly if baby is not the first.

It is intrusive to say to someone that you will set stuff up in their bedroom whilst they are not there. It is not intrusive to ask whether someone would like you to do this as some people would be pleased but others would feel their private bedroom had been invaded. I would absolutely hate it.

The best idea is to allow mil to set the Moses basket up somewhere downstairs for baby's naps in the day time.

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