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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 26/04/2014 16:22

Icimoi
yes i would. Not for ever but for the first 6 weeks until she stands on her feet so that then she can go with another solution.
Dont forget it is her first full time job.

My dn is 24. She just managed to find a full time job. On the first friday i went to pick her up and i demanded that she buys me a drink. Just for the fun, to mark the day.

My dad did the same when i got my first job. On the night shift he picked me up but he demanded ice cream.i still remember fondly those nights and the laugh we had.
For ever it would be tiring and boring. But for few weekS it could be fun imo. Come on her first full time job after months of trying to get a job. In a very tough job market. Cant they smile as a family and be proud?

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 16:24

I just don't agree that if there's only one driver in the house, the onus on ensuring everyone in the family can get everywhere they need should fall on that person, particularly in this case, it includes an adult DD who hasn't explored other options, she hasn't asked if she can get other shifts, OP hasn't answered if the DD is making more that shift than the cost of the taxi.

It's shit, but if you don't drive, it limits your options. Whenever there's a "not driving" thread on here, it's full of people saying "well there's lots of other options to driving" but when someone doesn't want to give a lift to another adult, the view is other other options aren't acceptable.

But the OP's depression and personal issues with her DH are a different set of issues and could do with a thread of their own, in this case her DH isn't BU to say no to a lift every week for the forseeable future. He might be U regarding other issues of his relationship with the OP, but she'd be better off focusing on those, not the case where actually, it's pretty reasonable to say no.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 16:24

I dont think he is being selfish he did go back on his word but he can if he wants too 4 miles is not a lot and the taxi fare wont be that bad, she is 19 she is at work she can get herself home imo although my dh did collect dd from her 10pm finish till she passed her test but he offered to do it when he could some weeks he didn't op why do you think she needs picked up all the time

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 16:31

I imagine the posters who are saying"but she's 19" have young children and are seeing an adult at 19. Come back in a few years and you will realize that they never stop being your kidsand you never stop caring(I would probably be of the same opinion years ago).
She has biked before on a different night when not been able to get a lift with a colleague
But as a pp said even in the summer it is dark at 11pm and you never know who is about.
I don't relax until I know she is home safely.
To the poster who hoped I wasn't too upset by peoples comments,I am very used to peoples attitude to mental health issues you get used to it.
I will definitely sort out going back on the meds,but even thinking about making the appointment is an effort.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 16:32

Laquitar to be fair to the OP's DH, the OP does state he said the picking her up arrangement would end "soon" not "now" - so I guess he's giving her a couple of week's grace to try to swap shifts or find another solution. Which is fair enough, particularly as the OP said when her DD first took the job, it didn't specify it would be every Friday night shift, but it's just turned out that way, so the OP's DH didn't agree to do every friday night pick up, it just turned out that will be the expectation.

Making it clear you aren't prepared to do that forever is fair enough. There comes a point when teenage DCs do need to realise that they have to arrange stuff themselves, not rely on their parents enabling stuff to happen for them indefinately.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 16:33

well yes I have had a 19 yr old and of course you dont stop caring but a taxi isnt going to cost her an awful lot is it did her dad say why he didnt want to do it

Retropear · 26/04/2014 16:39

Mrs you don't know the journey length or cost.Said dd may well be on minimum wage.

Round here taxis can visit as much as £10 for short journeys towards the nearest town.Monthly that adds up and could go towards saving for a future course or deposit.

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 16:39

exbrummie - it's not just about having young DCs, but people being aware that at 19, most of us ourselves where expected to sort out our own transport - personally I was at uni in a different city at 19, if I wanted to go somewhere, I had to arrange it myself - if I was offered a job that I couldn't get myself to/from I'd have had to turn it down or get a taxi. A lot of parents of 19 year olds on here don't live in the same city as their DCs for similar reasons and so would assume their DCs are able to sort their own transportation.

I think though, if you should start a thread about your own issues, I know when I had depression, I could focus a lot of energy and upset on what were really none-issues, because it was easier to do that than deal with what was going on in my head. Get yourself to the GP next week - start focus on yourself. don't take this the wrong way, but the best thing you can do to improve the quality of life for all your family, would be to get help for yourself.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/04/2014 16:40

Part of working is paying your own transport costs. Presumably she pays something to the person she cadges a lift with every other night.

If you choose to live in an area with poor public transport you need to invest money to ensure that everyone in the family can drive. Being dependent on another person is not good for either party.

Having an 18 year old and a 20 year old who are out clubbing till stupid o clock most weekends, I am quite astonished that anyone would stress about a 19 year old getting themselves home at 11. You are teaching your daughter your own habits of dependency OP, and that is not a good thing.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 16:42

Because he works all week and is tired. So why agree to do it previously then? He is saying now that he didn't say it would be OK on a Friday as no work the next day but he did and dd heard him too.
Also he works from home on Fridays so although he is still working there is no travel etc involved.

OP posts:
Retropear · 26/04/2014 16:43

Oh give over re habits of dependency.

What a dreadful thing to say.Shock

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 16:44

it is 4 miles the OP said how far it was the girl is working her dad said he would do it in the meantime that is how i read it but he doesnt need to be obligated to every single weekend night if he doesn't want to, people are talking about this girl like she is 12 she isn't she has a job she doesn't need lifted and laid . if she worked in say a night club and finish at 4 am would she be entitled to a lift

AmberLeaf · 26/04/2014 16:44

Ive probably missed it, but did your DH give a reason as to why he doesn't want to do it anymore? or did he just announce he wouldn't?

However, how long has this man been doing all the financial support and all the driving? 20 years? Maybe he thinks it's time he relaxed a little

I am getting the impression that this man is more than happy with the way things are 'balanced'

Usually I would say a 19 yr old should be getting themselves home, but it sounds like they live rurally? [going by mention of crap bus service] so walking or even biking home is quite probably not practical, safe or possible. If the rds are the kind with no pavements, then I wouldn't be happy walking along one in the dark.

I am not minimising or doubting your depression at all exbrummie, but I am now thinking of that saying;

before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem first make sure in fact you are not surrounded by assholes

Retropear · 26/04/2014 16:45

Oh and a Tinkly lots of us in rural areas live with crap public transport and low car usage.We tend to work together to accommodate it.Hmm

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 16:45

maybe he just cant be bothered going out the house at 11pm on a friday night what time does he go to bed does he have a drink on a friday ?

Oldraver · 26/04/2014 16:48

OP..Is there any chance he is a tightwad due to there being only one wage coming in ? It sounds like he has carried you financially for a long time.

ilovesooty · 26/04/2014 16:49

I think he's perfectly reasonable able not to give a lift every Friday on an indefinite basis. I'm with the posters who suggest that she needs to get a taxi and factor in the cost. Plenty of late teens are out at that time and living in different cities from their parents and have to find their own transport solutions.

Oldraver · 26/04/2014 16:51

Oh and he is allowed to change his mind..maybe when he first said he would give your DD a lift he thought it would be ok. Now he has done it a few times he realises it is tiring or he just wants to relax after a full week of working

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/04/2014 16:51

The OP lives in an area of poor public transport, doesn't work, doesn't drive, doesn't feel she has any right to the money her husband earns. Habits of dependency? Hell yes!

Similarly her 19 year old daughter is relying on colleagues and Daddy to get her home from work.

Really?

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 16:51

Yes he just announced he wouldn't do it any more
It,s not a rural area,it's an average sized town but just an awful bus service.
I didn't choose to live here we moved when dh's job relocated here.(he has since been made redundant from that job and commutes.

OP posts:
mandi73 · 26/04/2014 16:51

My DS is 19 and works a 3-11 shift, he was very lucky to be offered this job so took it staright away.
He can't drive yet, is learning, so I collect him every night unless he can get a lift from a collegue.......it was this or risking not finding a good a job that had a better shift.
It's no big deal up and back in 15 mins, he works about 10 miles away.

Really would it kill him to do it once a week??????

Custardo · 26/04/2014 16:52

dd is 21, works shifts, gets late train home, DH always -ALWAYS goes to get her from the dark train station at 11.30 at night - and he will go after work to get her from the train station if he is home and its not even dark.

I can drive - and i constantly offer, but he doesn't like the idea of me siting in the car on my own waiting for dd either.

dh does this primarily for safety reasons, however we realise in this economy where we live she is so damned lucky to have a job - that actually demanding that she have certain shifts to suit her rather than her employer wouldn't go down well.

when you are on minimum wage you are rarely in a position to state that you want anything from your employer - she has a job and that is to be commended whatever the hours of work.

there are lots of variables to consider that we do not know i.e.

does the dd have form for taking the piss
is the dh just a prick who likes to use every situation to exert his control?

i suspect the latter.

I have had serious depression, but i had to work to pay the bills. you need to sort yourself out - get back on the pills or whatever it is that works for you, because staying in your current relationship is probably the cause of your depression in the first place

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 16:52

exbrummie, perhaps your DH didn't expect it would be every friday night? You did say it wasn't clear at first she'd get that shift every week. He might not be travelling on Friday if he's working from home, but he's working, and that is exhausting, I wouldn't want to have to stay up until after 11:30 every week on a Friday after working all week to do a favour for someone else who has other options.

Are you charging her market rates for rent? If not, she's already saving money living at home,she can suck up the cost of the taxi, I can't imagine 4 miles in rural areas would be that expensive, how much would it be in your area? It would be less than £10 here.

Or she could ask for other shifts. But again, this is her problem as an adult to sort out, not yours.

And actually, as harshly as it's been put, by Tinkly, you and your DH do need to teach your DD to be independent. (and if she's not now, you should suggest she offers petrol money to the person giving her the lift the other days, it's expensive and I'd get pissed off if I had to give someone else a lift every day and they didn't offer, a lot of non-drivers - especially if they are used to being run around by parents/partners - don't think about the costs of driving or that they are putting someone else out, get her to offer - they will appriciate the offer even if they turn her down.)

ilovesooty · 26/04/2014 16:53

Does she contribute to the costs of the lifts she gets the rest of the week with colleagues?

ilovesooty · 26/04/2014 16:55

Sorry, x post.

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