AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

[TeaFor6]

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken . I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no )

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome

I would suggest the things he will need to do if you have a puppy in the house. you will no longer ave time for his washing or to cook hiim anything, you will not be buying puppy food or other things dog related. he will need to organise puppy care and take 100% responsibility for it at the weekends. he will have to take time off to go to the vet. he will have to walk it before and after work everyday come rain, or shine. he will be responsible for picking up shit and replacing any damaged items. he will be responsible for dog proofing the garden...

he will have to book the puppy into a kennel when he is away at work as you will not have time to look after said dog. all this because your extra time will be taken up cleaning up puppy shit and wee while it is training. you have to make the house safe for your children.

if you need to sell it to the girls, sell it to them in a way that means that they understand that not having a dog is a good thing: eg they get more money for... toys/cafe/macdonalds/holidays etc (whatever it is that they like) they do not get their toys chewed or weed on, mummy gets more time to play with them and do things with them. really sell not having a dog to them.

What a complete and utter arse the man is. I'm furious on your behalf and would have his balls on a plate for this!

Typical of someone who isn't going to have to pick up the pieces or in fact do any of the work to just nod and agree to the demands of the children who equally aren't going to do any of the work! Good ol' mum, she'll do it all of course!

DEFINITELY say no, keep saying no until you are blue in the face, tell him if the dog comes he can bloody well leave and take it with him.

I agree with telling the children that as they have signally failed to take care of the rabbit then a dog is completely out of the question until they learn how to take care of a pet properly (i.e. NOT offload all care and responsibility onto Mum)

Good luck with getting through to him - his emotional blackmail is utterly despicable, by the way and would be making me even MORE furious!

Good point from Clobbered about getting them (all, including H) to understand the responsibility around pets by getting them more involved in the rabbit's care.

H will have to explain to your girls that he made a big fat oopsie by agreeing to this puppy without thinking through the realities - I wonder if it would help them understand if you related it not only to the looking after, but the possible risk to their twin brothers.

As many pps have said, you (jointly, I mean) are saying "not now" rather than "not ever", so I don't think you even need to expect too much "mummy is the bad guy" here from your DDs, but it is essential that your H is clear and honest with them that it is a joint decision and his mistake.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't tell them that they can't have a puppy because they haven't looked after the rabbit as I think to children that could become, look after the rabbit now and we'll get the puppy.

To be honest I'd be tempted to tell them that you haven't got time or enough spare arms to look after a puppy as well as two babies and them, but if daddy wants to get them a puppy and take it to work with him that'll be brilliant and leave it for him to let them down.

Mmm, just read this thread, and I think you and your husband should at some point sort out the good cop/bad cop situation before it is too late.

A friend of mine was forced into always being the disciplinarian because her husband refused to be anything other than the nice guy and it was horrible for my friend and very bad for their children.

YANBU! What the hell is he thinking? I hope you show him this thread.

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Your going away for a weekend would solve nothing - you would doubtless come back to complete chaos even without a puppy in the house - piles of washing and dirty dishes for a start.

Your H is being completely unreasonable (understatement of the year). It is he who will cause the huge disappointment the children will feel. Just keep up the broken record technique with him.

You do not have four children, you have five, who are thinking of themselves and not of you or the puppy. The "real" children can be forgiven for that but must be told nevertheless that there will not be a puppy in the house now or perhaps ever, depending on the family situation. Your man child is utterly irresponsible, selfish and can clearly not appreciate the needs of others.

Tell your friend that he/she is on no account to let your DH have one of the puppies, and explain the reasons in detail. Say that if he/she does, you will bring the dog right back, no matter the reaction of the children.

Your H will be the source of the disappointment, not you.

WIBU to suggest that maybe a kitten could save the day, much, much less work and great fun.

Bit late to the party, but OMG NO to a puppy with baby twins. I am a dog person, and had a well trained dog in situ when my 2 children arrived, but I have waited until they are 17 and 13 to get a puppy to replace the dog. It was a massive amount of work (as already detailed by other posters) but the girls were old enough to pitch in with the night stuff and clearing up the accidents. Just no. Arrgghh I want to meet him and shake him until he stops being so stupid.

I am raging on your behalf. We have a dog, from a puppy and it was bloody hard work. It wouldn't be fair for you or the dog. Out of interest what breed is it?

I am worried that your husband seems to have no respect for your feelings on this. It seems that he thinks he can convince you. I hope the chat went well op.

IMO it's fair enough to tell the dc that the fact they don't look after the rabbit they already have is reason enough not to have any more animals. Children need to learn from an early age that animals take responsible looking after.

And I wouldn't be saying "not now," either, because you will continually be pestered. No means no, and if you ever change your mind you can talk about it then.

And nooo way to a kitten..... Scratched furniture/curtains/the stench of cat wee/pooh which is far worse than dog, and almost impossible to get rid of, partially dismembered birds/mice brought into the house... not a chance.

I agree with a pp that it might be best to avoid the good cop - bad cop scenario. And that there's limited value in encouraging them with the rabbit. They are bored of the rabbit. A puppy is much more exciting (I can think of nothing worse tbh)
I think, if it were my dh, I would kill him with a shovel put my efforts into explaining to him the potential risks to the DTs. Toxicara poisoning (dog poo in the garden, which there will be, around babies who are still at the "put everything in their mouth" stage). Puppies bite and gnaw and jump up. Their claws are not retractable. Small children cen very easily be injured/ scarred for life by a dog biting them or jumping up. I would be laying it on quite thick tbh.
I would also highlight the risks to his personal possessions as puppies are notorious for chewing.
I think the kitten idea might have some mileage. Although cats are a bit of a pita too IMHO.

Everyone has said everything I want to say.

YADNBU

YANBU. I'd have told your DDs off as well as soon as it was announced. You'd told them no yet then went behind your back to play off your DH to get what they wanted. Tough if they're heartbroken. Your immediate response should have been I've told you we're not getting a dog girls. You need to do this ASAP.

Haven't read whole post-but YANBU! Your kids are far too young to be responsible for a dog whatever they say! We have a pack of dogs and also breed puppies. My DS1 was desperate to keep a pup we bred-he would train it, walk it, etc etc. He is 14 and does SFA with "his" dog-so much so we are threatening to re home her with friends who want one! I had 3 preschoolers and was walking 2 dogs twice daily (dogs from pre-marriage and kid days) and it was a ball ache! OH worked long and often un-sociable hours and when he got in didn't want to be going out again-so it was always left to me! Now our home situation is different and my kids are older so managing the pack is easier-but it still is always down to me! We also sold a pup to a mother of 3-all kids junior school age. The husband was the driving force behind the dog but he worked long hours. Puppy was returned to us within a fortnight as the woman couldn't cope with the puppy training and time needed. If you don't think you can cope and don't want the dog then it will be a disaster because without a doubt it will be your responsibility. Your OH is a git to have done this and given your DCs this false hope. (Will continue with reading post to see the current situation!)

So annoyed on your behalf.
How did the chat go?

You really dont have to do all this explaining, you have said no and normally I would say its not fair for one person to make this decision but you are the one who would be looking after it 100%. You have tiny baby twins. Just say no and contact the 'breeder' to tell them the puppy is not wanted. If its a proper breeder theyd never let you have it then

Agree with everything that has been said , we waited to get our puppy until our children were 15,12 and 8 and it was still a struggle.It was literally like having a newborn and the biting was still difficult with an 8 and 12 year old .He is fabulous now but it was not without a great deal of effort and I'm told he was 'easy'

Does the breeder know that you have baby twins, no responsible breeder would home a puppy into such a household in my experience .

I got a puppy when we had just one baby. Big mistake. HUGE. The poor puppy came last to the baby every time. I was inconsistent with training. We were too tired to be properly patient about toileting accidents. He still turned into a nice dog, but my husband actively disliked him and showed it. Poor dog Dog now lives with my FIL who loves dogs and was kind enough to give him a home. I still feel very bad about my bad choice. Don't do it.

Yanbu... BUT....

We have DSD (8), DS(2) and I'm a SAHM pregnant with 3rd when Dh ARRIVED HOME with a puppy in arms in December for my "Christmas present".
Some days I felt like I either wanted to rehome the puppy or rehome DH. It was an utterly daft thing to do. Especially as we'd agreed to try potty train toddler in the new year before baby arrived.
But DSD had been asking for a dog for years, I had always wanted one (though not at 5 months pregnant with a toddler). So he brought home the little fluff ball and promptly absconded all responsibility in terms of walking, cleaning up mess, bathing, etc.

So it was hard, trying to house train a toddler and a puppy at the same time is not easy. And like I said some days weeks I felt like booking DH into a bloody kennel.
But we did get through it, puppy and toddler are both house trained now, she's part of the family and I am so glad we didn't get rid of her. DSD adores her, DS prefers her to any other member of the family and despite not doing any of the chores DH is very good at playing with her and tiring her out. As long as I can keep her off the newborn when it arrives next week we'll be all good.

I do sympathise with your position, it's totally unfair to be the one who says "no" and I wouldn't think you were being at all unreasonable to tell him to backtrack with the DDs. But if you decide to compromise then try do it on your terms. I don't know what breed these puppies are (sorry haven't read whole thread) but get something small that doesn't malt much. We have a cavachon (cavalier spaniel cross bichon frise), she's hypo allergenic and quite a small dog. But white. Don't get white. She needs lots of baths. Also maybe wait a few months, perhaps get one in summer when they're at home from school and you don't have to manage school runs straight away.

So basically yanbu to say no, (or he should), but if you decide to do it then at the very least manage it on your terms. You say what dog, when, DDs must help with rabbits more etc etc. I'm very, very glad we have/kept our puppy but it is hard work - especially to begin with.

I actually feel sick at the idea of this. I agree with calling the breeder friend to make sure that they know you aren't on board.

The thing is, there is no way you could leave any of the work for your DH. You can't ignore puppy shit on your floor for him to deal with when he gets home if you have babies. I would never have a dog and if my DP went against my wishes, knowing that I don't want a dog, it would be a very very long sulk I went into.

Yanbu

Dots babies, a 7yo, and 5yo and your h who is never there.

I'd be banging my fists about this one. Hugely irresponsible of your h.

Firstly, your h needs to break the bad news to your dd, and then tell the friend that you won't be having a puppy.