AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

[TeaFor6]

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken . I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no )

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome

I don't like dogs and I feel sorry for the puppy!!! Poor wee thing. You'd only end up having to rehome it once your DH actually grew, you know, a BRAIN!

I will now use my favourite MNism I only wish I could remember who used it first so I could credit them. Tell him to fuck off to the far end of fuck, and then fuck off some more.

Idiot.

22 week old twins. And you can form a coherent sentence. You, OP, are a goddess. And don't you forget it

Does your husband like to go on holidays? Because that gets harder when you need to organise someone to care for the dog too.

With his work hours he isn't even caring for his kids much, why would he do much for a dog?

I think a weekend away for you is in order. Leave him no clothes or food so he has to wash and shop so he gets the full sahm experience. And volunteer him to mind someone else's dog if you can too.

There's no need to put it to him like anything.
OP doesn't want to have to look after a dog.
Therefore, no dog!

newsecretidentity Your ex was the total arse I thought OP's husband was. I would have done what I first suggested - and to hell with all the you-can't-do-that-to-a-dog artists out there. People come first, especially children.

I suppose I'd better wear my flame-proof pyjamas tonight . . .

YANBU. Is he always this thoughtless?

You'll need to be the bad guy and say not a chance and if he brings one home against your will then it won't be there by the time he gets home.

Stick to your guns.

8 pages in and I know most people have said this but he is a thoughtless idiot - yanbu.

And I have only 1 DC age 5 ... And I'd still be livid if my DH dared to do this.

YANBU. Tell him he can have the puppy, as long as his boss doesn't mind it sitting under his desk at work all day.

Yanbu. What is he thinking! He needs to explain to dc that he has made a mistake. I have much less on my plate and dc would love a dog. Not until they are old enough to walk it themselves and have some level of commitment. Age 13 I'm thinking. I'm angry on your behalf.

OP
Hope the talk goes well with 'D'H.

If I were you though I would ring the breeder as soon as possible and to tell her under no circumstances to sell your husband a puppy. No way would I risk not phoning her. If you tell her it would have to be rehomed immediately she should be responsible enough not to let one if them go.

I know this isn't the only point here but I would solve the practical, immediate problem first.

He needs to stop feeling gulty about not being around and buying them things and actually spend some time with them.

Spell it out to him if he brings the puppy home then both him and HIS puppy will be staying somewhere else.

Oh and make him tell them you can not have a dog at the moment as you can not look after the puppy properly.

And I second you going away for a couple of nights and leaving the children with him to cope with.

We have a much-adored dog, but we got him when the kids were 10 and 13, totally able to share the looking-after, and (mostly) understanding the responsibility. Loads of discussion, joint decision. There's plenty of time in the future. Terrible idea right now.

YANBU.

I've only read the first page, so apologies if things have moved on.

I'm a huge dog lover and wouldn't be without mine... But, there's no way I could have managed a puppy and small babies at the same time.

Tell them all you're not saying no... you're saying not yet.

I would love a dog, my children are 9 & 6, I am a sahm so would have time to look after one. DH is strongly against having one, I would never promise my children a dog against dh's wishes.

Your DH is a massive arse!

SHOW.HIM.THIS.THREAD

Oh my god!!!! You are so not being unreasonable!!!!!!!!! I feel for you OP, this is an awful situation now with the kids hopes being up. Which is all your husbands fault! Poor you what a nightmare. I think you (him) need to tell the kids asap and think of a treat for them to soften the blow.

Ok i got a dog , when DH said he didnt want one , i walk the dog , pick up its poo in the garden , out for walks and in the house which occasionally happens if he eats something he shouldnt whilst out and about , i pay for everything related to the dog . Even when i was poleaxed following the birth of DS2 after a crash section , every single thing dog related was down to me . If your DH wants a puppy , and by God they are the most scrumptious of beasts , will he be happy to leave work several times a day to clean up the puddles of piss that it will leave before it is fully housetrained ? will he be happy for all his possesions to take on a slighty chewed or even destroyed patina ? he wont be even the teensiest cross when he discovers the little poppet has chewed through yet another pair of shoelaces , making all his shoes unwearable until he can buy more ? He wont mind that your children will be a little bit afraid of the needle sharp teeth and claws of what is esentially still a baby and he will of course be willing to leave work early evey week for at least 6 months to attend a proper socialisation and training course ? He wont mind any family holiday costing you at least another £80-160 on top for kennelling ? Now is not the right time for you to get a dog , least of all a puppy , when you who will left with the lion's share of the work doesnt want one .

And i want to slap anyone who buys a puppy for any child pre secondary school age , a child is not responsible for a dog an adult is , if he wants it he has to be responsible for all of it . He does know that puppies need lots of little short walks to start off with doesnt he , so he will be coming back from work several times a day to walk it for 10 minutes ?

I'm concerned that he still thinks he can get his own way here. Have there been previous problems with his selfishness?

Having just looked after my mothers 5 month old puppy for 2 weeks, I can say its been the straw that broke the camels back. The puppy is a very nice character but still he pulls constantly, knocks the toddlers over, jumps up into people's faces, playfully nips people, randomly wees on my carpet at unsuspected moments, chews the kids teddies, has been attacked by other dogs whilst on walks (toddler holding my other hand), pops in the garden first thing (can't take 4 kids out for an early morning walk), has to be watched constantly when with the smaller children and is constantly in the wrong place and therefor a tripping hazard.

Get the kids a bunny or a gerbil instead. Promise them a dog once the twins are at school. I wouldn't consider a dog before then.

You'd have to be totally off your rocker to even consider it.
If he still thinks Yabu then leave him to it for a couple of days. Only feed the babies if bf and go on strike the rest of the time. Do not cave.
Pain and reality hurts, whereas words often have less effect.

YANBU --

I love my furry children and we have 2, we don't have kids yet. Based on my experiences with 2 puppies (one was 1 y/o when I got the other and thankfully toilet trained by then, 2 at once would have sucked!) I would never ever get a new puppy at the same time as a newborn. In fact, dealing with a puppy and the sleepless nights had me realising I wasn't ready for a baby! At least a baby poops in a nappy though and people are more than happy to babysit, less likely to dog sit.

House training was the worst. With the first dog I had to return to my home country and my husband (who worked) had to try and house train her (we had just bought a new house). Needless to say we needed new carpet in the living room from the accidents. She was a rescue and had terrible anxiety so couldn't be crated (not that I agree with it anyway but we tried it).

With the second one, she slept in a box next to our bed so I could hear her whine when she needed to go out. I'm willing to bet I was up at least 3 times a night taking her out. I didn't have a job yet and needed to keep an eagle eye on the time to let her out at specific times.

My laptop cable was chewed. So was my iPhone cable. I also lost a pair of my sketchers and my Calvin Klein glasses (I still have them, they're sticky taped :S) as well as a pair of flip flops, socks...

They're great now of course and I have no doubt they'll be fine when/if we have kids but good lord, no.

-

I agree with someone elses suggestion about you leaving him with the kids... except it's likely he'll just not do stuff "properly" and the kids will run havoc. It'd need to be a longer time, several weeks, until he fully understood.

Oh FFS - I can't believe he thinks it's negotiable...

I mentioned housetraining earlier, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. They will need out every 20 minutes, but even with that they still pee and poo everywhere, because they don't know they're not supposed to for what can be several months. They also need taking out in the middle of the night and if they don't wake up everyone in the house (and possibly your neighbours) because they need the toilet you will sometimes come down to a puppy that's been to the toilet, stepped and sat in it and then slept like that and had then stepped in it again because they've heard you getting up and got excited.

Puppies bite, some almost constantly - I looked like I'd been self harming, so the babies can't be within reach of the puppy while it is loose and it will chase and bite the older DC pretty much everytime they move... It's just a stage and how puppies play, but it can last until they're about 6 months old.

They chew everything, so the floor had to be clear of toys, shoes, clothes - always.

Dogs can have a bit of a thing about the contents of nappies, so you literally can't put a dirty nappy anywhere within reach even while you, for instance change the other baby's nappy or it will eat it.

Things like not stealing food from children, not jumping on people or running in to them all have to be taught and again take months.

Puppies can't be put on the ground anywhere another dog might have been (so anywhere outside your house or garden) until they've been fully inoculated - which is a minimum of four weeks depending on the course... But, if you don't socialise them properly there's a huge risk of behavioural issues, so they have to be carried out and about to see and experience things in that time - how on earth is that physically possible with a double buggy?

Then there's all the training, everything, coming when you call them, walking on a lead...it all has to be taught and is massively time consuming.

It's absolutely worth it if you have the time and energy to do all that, but it's just not compatible with two babies and two older children - how does he expect you to manage all that?

Show him this thread.

I second the "not no, just not now" approach to the kids. And use this as an opportunity to get them to take responsibility for the rabbit. They can't just have a dog, they have to earn it (and that goes for H too).