AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

[TeaFor6]

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken . I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no )

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome

YANBU. You've written eloquently about your feelings. Show it to your DH. Tell your DC's that now is not the time for another "new baby" and that when your twins are older, you and their dad will think again. It'll reiterate to them that you are a family and big decisions, like getting a dog, must be something you all agree upon. And that's it, in a nutshell.

Your DH needs to have "the kids" for an overnight, alone, with you not there for 24 hours. Then see how he feels about a dog. . I have NO idea how you do it with four children under 8!! Well done OP!

Jeez no op I would be fuming too but I already have 2 dogs and got one when he was a puppy and it was horrendous. I hate the puppy stage. My poor carpets. I had to buy a carpet cleaner in the end.
So much hard work and you've got baby twins too.
I love my dogs but the added expense is a nightmare sometimes. Getting them flea'd and wormed every month as well as all their shots and insurance plus food, no wonder my dh would like to give them away.
I would never make a decision to take on pets without my dh support same as having dc, I wouldn't get myself pregnant without making sure my dh wanted a baby first so why take on a huge commitment such as a dog without making sure everyone is agreed. You know you'll have to do everything yourself too because your dh isn't even home much and the dc will lose interest after 5 minutes. Just say no!

Gosh OP what a nightmare for you. Your DH is being completely irresponsible and unfair to you.

Along with the many good points made on this thread about joint decision making and the difficulties of bringing up a puppy, yet another consideration is that the choice of the dog is very very important. If you did decide you wanted one you'd need to research the breed, find the right breeder, check the health screenings had been done, assure yourselves the bitch and dog are the kind of dogs you would want to have puppies from, etc. Otherwise you risk getting a puppy that's shy or stressed or too energetic for your lifestyle or even aggressive and making your lives hell.

YANBU

DHhas to tell the DDs he made a terrible mistake saying they could have a puppy, and in no way blaming you for the situation.

On the side is it possible for you to get childcare to go back to work after mat leave? It sounds like you're going to be unhappy for the next 4 years otherwise.

What Clobbered said.
Your DH sounds oblivious to your workload!

Do you know head,

E

Try again!

OP, even if you were married, no kids, he worked at home and was going to do all the puppy stuff himself, you would STILL have the 100% right to say "no, I don't want a puppy at the moment". If you were married, no kids and he worked away so you would have to do all the puppy stuff, you would have the 200% right to do so. If...

You see where I'm going with this?

There is no scenario in which it's ok for one of two adults in a life partnership to make a unilateral decision about getting a demanding creature to share their lives. Particularly when it's so spectacularly badly thought out as "aww, cute puppy."

Very late to this thread but my jaw hit the floor when I read your OP! I have two DCs (9 and 7) and DH works away a lot, I work PT term time so we were in the perfect position to get a dog. We have a lab pup (almost a year now) and I adore him and he's a really easy dog but bloody hell I could NEVER have coped with him with 4 children, especially two babies. I think he must have taken leave of his senses! Hope you get it sorted.

He and the children need to understand that it would be cruel to the puppy to do this.

The (printable) answer to his cutesy photo is to say 'Yes, it's lovely, and it deserves a home with time for it. It's not a toy.'

YANBU

My children are older. We would quite like a pet (DDs would prefer a Dog, but it could be a Cat). One of the reasons we don't have one, is because DH wasn't keen - even though I would be the one doing the extra "looking after". And my DC are older (a lot).

You have an extra child - no wonder you are tired.

Did I say: YANBU!

I never understand people getting a dog without knowing what they are getting into, training, how to mind it etc, but in a a situation like yours...

OP I want to write this in letters a foot high YANBU

Lancelottie:

*He and the children need to understand that it would be cruel to the puppy to do this.

The (printable) answer to his cutesy photo is to say 'Yes, it's lovely, and it deserves a home with time for it. It's not a toy.'*

Excellent post.

OP, in a massively optimistic frame of mind, and giving your DH the benefit of the doubt which he might not deserve, I hope that if you can get through to him just how out of order this whole episode has been, it might just be the kick up the arse he needs to realise that he is way out of touch with how the family operates.

Or, if not as immediate as that, then at least dog-gate has shown you just how unrealistic he is in terms of the requirements of family life, so you can start to assert yourself in getting him to do more.

He did WHAT? Fucking hell OP, I would go absoloutly crazy if DH did this. It is actually hard to fathom that a grown up can be this stupid. What is wrong with him? I cant believe he thought you would be happy about this and even when the error of his ways is pointed out he didnt realise immediatly what an awful mistake he had made.

Honestly I would find it very hard to get over this level of insensitivity from my husband. He obviously doesn't give you a second thought. That he thinks you will just pick up the slack from his stupid immature decisions and his dreadful parenting. I wouldnt be able to be in the same room as him. God I'm fuming for you. A fucking puppy? Idiot

How are things this morning, OP?

Still wondering if there is any more behind this than just the man's thoughlessness. I remember another thread a couple of years ago where the H wanted a fifth child and the OP didn't, and what slowly emerged was a frightening catalogue of abuse from a man who was utterly fixated on crushing the OP and reducing her to nothing but an obedient slave. He had been prepared to harm the children to enforce her compliance.

The two things that stood out in this post were that the pregnancy occurred just when the OP had got a new job, and that the man's reaction to being told that she doesn't want a puppy and the excellent reasons for not wanting a puppy is 'this discussion isn't over' ie You WIll Obey Me IN The End.

The friend obviously isn't a proper, responsible breeder either if they are willing to send a puppy into this situation. They are some muppet who has let their dog have puppies and is handing them out to friends. Quite apart from the generally agreed unreasonableness of the situation, taking a dog from a breeder like that is an irresponsible thing to do because it will only encourage them.

If you actually wanted a puppy, you would research breeds and breeders to find the right match. Your DH obviously doesn't give a shit about the welfare of the dog or he would have done that, but then that's not particularly surprising seeing as he doesn't seem to care very much about his wife's welfare.

OP, you are absolutely and uttetly not being unreasonable at all. Your husband on the other hand......

*Thing is - setting aside the very VERY valid issues regarding your own workload - it's not fair on the puppy. It's really, really not fair on the puppy. Your family set up, the number and ages of your children, etc etc. Not suitable for a puppy.

It's this kind of scenario, played out over and over by parents with not enough common sense, that see so many dogs shoved into rescues by families who thought it would be nice to get a puppy, who thought the puppy was cute, but who ultimately cannot cope with the realities of said puppy.

You have the foresight and common sense to stop this little dog being another one of those sad statistics, OP, don't let DH wear you down.

You are right. He is wrong. He needs to admit it, sooner rather than later.*

Dietcokeandwine sums it up perfectly. It's immature selfish cocks like your husband that have thousands of animals in rescue centres up and down the country because they can't grasp that an animal is a living breathing being with needs and wants, and not a fucking toy. You NEED to tell this manflesh that you are not having the puppy and that's that.

And I would also add that your eldest two are more than old enough to understand why, and to start thinking about the work that having animals involves. If they're not interacting with their current pet then that chances are that they will quickly get bored of their new toy one.

I want to add that one of our three dogs is a wee lab that we got at 5.5 months old when her previous owners were in a situation much like yours. Hadn't at all thought through the implications of having a dog in a houseful of very young kids. Once she grew out of the Andrex puppy stage they weren't interested and didn't have time for her. I don't know what they did to her but 4 years on and she can still be really quite nervous and anxious sometimes, I put that down to her having had 3 homes in the space of her first few months as a pup This can affect dogs for their whole lives. Please, PLEASE don't allow your family to steamroller over you in this. It's completely unfair to you and the potential pup.

The twins are 22 weeks, not almost 2.

X

'The main thing this little episode has shown me, H, is that you actually have NO idea how your own family works, what running it entails, how much work looking after the children, home etc. actually is.

'I'm also concerned that your actual lack of real input into parenting and home life is beginning to have a negative impact on all of our relationships with you. You think it's great that the children see you as Mr. Fun and respond as such: you even encourage it and seem to get off on the fact that I'm the joyless one. But I see two children treating their own dad less like a dad and more like a slightly removed fun uncle on Christmas Day. It's actually doing you no favours, but as you're not currently really parenting them, you wouldn't know that.

'So what I'm going to do, first, is go away for a couple of days. There's a course xx I'm going to do. No, love, we do have the money - you thought we could afford a dog, remember - and I've calculated that this costs only the equivalent of 6 month's dogfood plus pet insurance, so it's a bargain. I'll be out of the house from 8 am to 7pm for three days. You will be here with the children alone. I fully expect you to do everything I do in that time - cooking, cleaning, organising - NOT just literally being there with the children. You need to EXPERIENCE just what looking after your own family actually entails.

After that we'll discuss where we go from here. Staying as we are is not an option: no way am I continuing to put myself in the position where I compromise my own work security and future for a man who thinks I have no input into decision making in the home that wouldn't bloody be here if it weren't for me. There will be discussions on a lot of things - maybe we will start looking at us both working part-time, for example. Anyway, bottom line is that there won't be a dog, but there bloody well will be a fuck load of other changes.'