AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

[TeaFor6]

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken . I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no )

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome

Not that you need another voice, but just to say, I cannot think on which planet this would be reasonable!

I mean, really, I am almost speechless.

It's very very unfair of him to play Fun Dad with your older girls and leave you with the Strict Mum role.

I think maybe your older daughter might understand though? Surely she can see how busy you are through the day - particularly as it's just been the holidays?

Sheesh, I am cross on your behalf.

YADNBU. Having a puppy is completely out of the question and you are right to be furious with your husband.

As others have said, Lancelottie's post:-

"He and the children need to understand that it would be cruel to the puppy to do this.

The (printable) answer to his cutesy photo is to say 'Yes, it's lovely, and it deserves a home with time for it. It's not a toy.'"

• is spot on. Your husband really doesn't have a clue does he? It's a shame your children will be disappointed, but they'll have to cope.

I was going to say that when all this is resolved you need to chat about never making unilateral decisions again. But then I read BrunoBrookesDinedAlone's post. And she put it so much better:

After that we'll discuss where we go from here. Staying as we are is not an option: no way am I continuing to put myself in the position where I compromise my own work security and future for a man who thinks I have no input into decision making in the home that wouldn't bloody be here if it weren't for me. There will be discussions on a lot of things - maybe we will start looking at us both working part-time, for example. Anyway, bottom line is that there won't be a dog, but there bloody well will be a fuck load of other changes.'

A puppy is a newborn who's also teething rapidly, incontinent, tantrummy, doesn't understand body language or English. They're hell. I adore dogs! which is why I would recommend that 95%of the population do not get a puppy.
The bigger issue is the fact that your husband sounds like a complete waste of space apart from providing money and ejaculate. Your life would be easier without him, at least then he would have to actually parent his children 50% of the time.

Everyone has already said what I'd want say but I I feel SO MUCH RAGE for you, poor OP. Hope it's all going well today.

What BrunoBrookesDinedAlone said.

I would copy and paste it word for word and send it to your DH.

It shows that not only does he have no idea what it is you do for the family or how much work it takes, but that he doesn't value your input or how you feel.

The dog breeder we got our (now old so less energy) retriever from said NEVER to have a puppy and baby at the same time and checked I wasn't planning on it before agreeing to give us a puppy. Agree no proper breeder would approve this. Just NOT AT ALL responsible. A dog and babies who can't control themselves such a bad idea. I rl really struggled to get my baby dd and dog out every day, he pulls everywhere and nearly had the buggy over a few times. Your DH is an imbecile.

Right time to do mum's on strike for a few days, tell him your giving him notice now that you are going away for three days and that you are handing over control of the day to day running of the house and taking care of the childrens needs, believe me he will soon change his mind, I know mine did!

Also, my retriever has cost us at least £8000 so far in vet bills due to cancer, I joke he's worth his own weight in gold. He's also had pneumonia, and has to be checked out every 3 months now. Sure one can just put him down, except when it's your young dog you love, it's so hard to do that.

What Bruno said.

my BIL brought home a puppy when his dd was six months old. He did feck all with it and it neqrly drove them apart.

no puppy. But as Bruno says a fuck load of other changes!

No, no, no.

I've not read all of this thread, but I'd echo the point that presumably these pups are the result of a "love match". You've no idea what they will grow into and whether their size, nature etc will suit your family.

Second, you'd just started back at work and were enjoying it when you found out about your pgy. Perhaps you'll want to go back when the twins are a bit older. What happens to the dog then. Most dogs hate being on their own for long periods of time. It's simply not fair to have a dog unless someone can be with them most of the time.

We love dogs and our DDs would have adored having one. But I've always worked full time. Getting a dog is very high on our retirement wish list.

How did the discussion go, OP?

I can't believe people are suggesting a kitten.

Twins coming up for crawling...an un-house-trained kitten / cat litter tray?

No thank you.

Plus kittens bite and scratch in play.

The post by newsecretidentity at 21.12 last night is key.

Life was impossible for her, the puppy bit the baby, the impact and misjudgment in taking on the puppy preciptated the decline of the marriage.

And to add to your worries, OP, rabbits really shouldn't be kept as lone pets, but in pairs or groups

I love dogs but YANBU. At all.

We have DSs, 9 and 7. We work full time and there would be no time to walk dog or give it attention.

My DB has a lovely well behaved lab who I look after very occasionally. The costs are HUGE. On top of food and vet bills, they pay a dog walker about £3000. Per year. Yes that is the right amount, gobsmacking though it is. To walk dog when wife is at work. She used to be SAHM, but no longer. I don't think they considered that cost when they got the cute puppy.

Just say no.

I'm worried about what some of the later posters said too, that the puppy is the result of said friend's dog getting pregnant...and the friend just now wants shot of them. I would still call her though and say that the puppy will be returned to her house if it comes home with her DH.

I'm horrified at what OP's husband has done - how bloody DARE he promise the kids a dog, when his wife is up to her eyes in coping with children and new babies ... he sounds a first class unthinking prat.

OP, it has to be 'NO NO NO' and HE has to tell the kids, since it was his stupid decision to announce the new puppy in the first place. As for the suggestion of a compromise - a kitten, also NO, and I speak as a Crazy Cat Lady who adores the things. Kittens are hard work too - destructive, unpredictable, and scratchy, especially with young kids who are apt to treat cats and kittens as a wonderful toy. The poor, frightened animals react in only way they can, blood is spilled, and kids are upset.

Sure, the kids will be upset for a bit about not getting the puppy but they'll get over it.

Oh and btw OP, you don't seriously think that YABatallU, do you?

Any update OP?

I think this must be the most unanimous aibu, ever.

Your DH is an unthinking idiot. What upsets me most about this is that he is going to push into being the bad guy to your DD's and they are too young to understand the full implications for you :(

My dog was 1 when my twins came home.

I would rather have a ménage a trios with john Prescott and Boris Johnson than repeat that winter.

Puppy pooing everywhere and two crawling babies. No no no!!!

I'm so glad BrunoBrookesDinedAlone said what I was struggling to find the words to say. I am absolutely LIVID at his attitude towards you op. I really hope you can turn this into an opportunity to open his eyes to everything you do.

OP please come back!!

Any news op? Agree with everyone. ThiS is a stupid idea. My dh bangs on about a puppy. I agree that unless everu

Oops, unless everyone is happy, the answer has to be no. Hope you're ok x x

I have been open mouthed reading this op!

bruno has given you everything you need to say.