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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

320 replies

TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:45

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg Hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased Shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves Angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken Sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no Sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome Smile

OP posts:
sykadelic · 22/04/2014 19:08

Update? I really hope he's come to his senses!

RigglinJigglin · 22/04/2014 19:48

EasterBunnyFuntStoleAllTheEggs · 22/04/2014 19:56

Just seen this thread. Good god what the FUCK is he THINKING!?! I know someone who has a puppy. She lives alone. She looks as tired and stressed as though she has a houseful of babies. When in reality it is just one puppy and her.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/04/2014 19:57

op

Yanbu.

Don't let him turn it into a guilt tripping argument. It's a no.

I love my dog (no children yet). She isn't very old, I remember her being a puppy. It ain't all fun stuff. The thought of dealing with that and not one but two young babies brings me out in a cold sweat.

He's deluded. Possibly well intentioned but deluded nonetheless.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 22/04/2014 20:00

Has he seen any sense yet, OP?

Original poster
TeaFor6 · 22/04/2014 21:25

Hi all,

Sorry for the late update. Just sat down!

H and I had a long,long talk last night and I think he has seen the error of his ways. He admitted he had no idea the kind of work a puppy would take and the risk to the DT's. I think he was shocked when he (finally) realised just how upset I was. I know he seems like a complete dickehead, but I know he would never deliberately upset me. He just does not think of the consequences.

As some of you have said, this is definitley a sympton of a wider problem. I feel he doesn't have enough respect for me, and I'm sick of him acting like some sort of 'disney dad.' He said that he does appreciate everything I do and he feels that he sees so little of the kids that he just wants them to have a nice time when they are together. Does he not think I feel like that too? We talked a lot and I think I did get through to him. He was apologetic and agreed we need to make some changes.

I made him stay to tell the DDs this morning (his problem if he was later for work!). He explained that it would be impossible and he was wrong to say yes. DD2 was disappointed but seemed to get over it pretty qucikly! DD1 has been upset on and off all day but seemed a bit happier after I told her the dog would go to a good home (think she was worried what would happen to it if we didn't take it).

I've told DH things have to start changing, starting with this wkend. I'm going to take the girls for a nice day out and stay somewhere over night. He can stay and look after twins. I feel like i've not spent much time with DDs since twins were born and it will be nice for them to have some fun time with just me, and gives H some bonding time with the babies (first time i've left them. Arghhh!). I've told him he needs to stop with the presents every time he's away for the night (comes home loaded with gifts every. single. time). The DDs have come to expect it and its not good for them. Plus they should be looking forward to seeing him, not presents. And , most importantly he needs to start backing me up and not making any major decisions without discussing it with me first.

I think he is generally contrite that he upset me so much. He's still in the doghouse in my bad books, but at least the DDs seem ok (and we are not getting a dog!) We'll see how things go, but hopefully things will improve now he understands just how serious his behaviour is for our relationship. Maybe this will be the kick up the ass we need to improve things

Thank you everybody for all your posts Thanks They made me feel a lot more confident about what I needed to say and even managed to make me smile. You are great Smile

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/04/2014 21:27

Good stuff, OP.

Make him stick to supporting you.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 22/04/2014 21:30

Well done
Hope he sticks to it for you

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/04/2014 21:32

Yay. Good for you.
And good on him for apologising.

ExcuseTypos · 22/04/2014 21:32

Oh well done! Have a fantastic weekend with your girls.

girliefriend · 22/04/2014 21:32

Well done op

I think leaving him with twins for the weekend is a genius idea Wink

Enjoy the time with yours dds Smile

ForgiveMeFather · 22/04/2014 21:35

So pleased for you OP and thanks for the update. I did try to post earlier but it didn't work.

It wasn't going to be very complimentary of your DH unfortunately - I found his actions to be quite chilling - but your update is very positive.

It sounds as if your DH might be feeling a bit on the 'periphery' so to speak (with working long hours) - it took my DH a bit longer to grow up catch up to the changing needs of our growing family. Maybe the dog suggestion was his way of trying to 'contribute' in some way.

I'm bring very charitable as it was a shit and ludicrous idea.

Anyway, well done you on managing to stay firm and make him see sense Grin

Dubjackeen · 22/04/2014 21:37

Well done OP. Enjoy your weekend.

Andrewofgg · 22/04/2014 21:39

Well, sorry isn't the answer but it's the first step on the road to the answer. If this brings him to his senses - and it might - you may yet be glad about the puppy you never had.

Very best of luck to all of you and that includes him. He does not deserve you. And in the opposite sense you don't deserve him IYSWIM!

Original poster
TeaFor6 · 22/04/2014 21:48

Thankyou all Smile

I am hopeful. He does want to be a good Husband and Dad but just doesn't always go the right way about it. Hopefully he will start growing up a bit and making more of an effort to see things from my point of view.

I am looking forward to this weekend and so are DDs. It's given them something to be excited about after todays disappointment.

OP posts:
SunshineBossaNova · 22/04/2014 21:50

Great news OP. I hope you have a fabulous weekend with your DDs. :)

beginnings · 22/04/2014 21:52

Great news and well done Teafor6DH. You no longer have the Mumsnet collective gunning for you so long as you keep your nose clean. Enjoy your weekend.

wolfofwestfieled · 22/04/2014 22:02

Ok. Well done.

Enjoy your weekend away.

Um - there's no chance he'll have the puppy waiting for your DDs as a surprise when you get back is there?

Thumbwitch · 22/04/2014 22:06

Hurrah! Hope his weekend really wakes him up to the realities of parenting and you and your DDs have a lovely time away xx

Eliza22 · 22/04/2014 22:13

Good for you! Your DH can only learn through experience..... He will be sooooo glad, this weekend, that he doesn't have a dog to look after too!

SolidGoldBrass · 22/04/2014 22:30

That's good. Really hope your H gets a grip. To be fair, there was always the possibility of him simply being thoughtless and immature but abel to listen and learn. I don't care for pets and don't want one, but reading some people's posts about exactly how much work is involved in rearing either puppies or kittens was a bit eye-opening and I appreciate that people who have not done it before might simply not realise quite how time-consuming it is (if you have no direct experience of puppies you might be thinking, well, it's just about putting down a bowl of food once a day and letting it out in the garden in the afternoon).

KayVerinder · 22/04/2014 22:39

YANBU

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

You KNOW you will end up doing all the dog work, he will never walk it EVER and it will be your responsibility to clean up all the mess.
Also, you will resent the dog and it will realise that and be depressed and/or not like you.
DP did this to me. It has backfired a little because Verindog is now my sharply trained partner in crime.
I still have to keep him separate from the kids whilst unsupervised and that is a job in itself.

Get that foot and put it down. Tell the kids they just can't have one.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2014 22:44

KayVerinder

You might want to read the OP's latest posts...

Fairenuff · 22/04/2014 22:45
Grin
KayVerinder · 22/04/2014 22:48

Well, Nanny, I was a bit slow off the mark there! Had to get my two pence worth in Smile (can you tell it upset me?!)

Note to self RTWFT...